IN HEAT (Chapter 28)
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet
"Charles Luvet was found floating in a Miami marina last night." I filled the team in on our next case. I didn't know why I chose it, the face seemed familiar, so did the name, yet I couldn't put the pieces together to figure out how I knew him. He was a cop, we'd probably worked together somewhere. I didn't have time to check his history but always sympathized when we had policemen-victims. They put themselves in such risks everyday to protect their people and then something like this happens to them. It's horrible.
"Wheels up in thirty" Hotch announced and we all got up to get our Go-Bags.
A flash of hot moist air was blown into our faces when we exited the plane in Miami.
"We're headed directly to the police department where we're meeting up with the detective on this case, detective Lopez." Hotch said, getting into an SUV.
The boys being boys enjoyed the sight of short skirts and tan legs, confusing little Reid.
A young Latina in a tight, red shirt and white pants greeted us friendly, immediately flirting with Morgan.
I introduced the other members of the team.
"Isn't that?-" Emily pointed behind me. I turned around. No. Will. What on earth was he doing there?
"Detective Lamontagne just arrived from New Orleans to identify the cop they pulled from the bay last night." The detective, Tina, explained.
That's why Charlie sounded so familiar! He was Will's partner. Damn. Why hadn't he texted me that he was going? I suddenly remembered that he hadn't texted me at all since the previous evening, he must have been in shock and a hurry to get there.
Will smiled at me the way he always smiled when he saw me but this time, I blushed and looked around insecurely, hoping nobody had noticed.
"Detective, it's good to see you." I stuttered, shaking his hand, trying to look professional. Why did we always meet when someone of his 'family' died. I wanted my team to meet him for the second time when he was happy, the way he usually was, the way I knew him, and not when his partner had just been murdered.
"How are you?" He asked confused.
Emily looked at us conspicuously and I had my fingers crossed she didn't know anything.
"Yeah, Charlie Luvet and I worked together for 7 years. We haven't formally ID'd him yet, but we believe it's him." He told us.
I felt a sudden pain in my chest and stomach. Like a hundred knives were stabbing me simultaneously. He must have been devastated, I knew best how close you get to the people you work with every day. I wanted to kiss and embrace him, tell him that everything would be ok. But we were in my world now, the world in which I was a lonely workaholic who took a week off to see her mother. He was the other world, in which I was in a relationship with a man that treated me like a princess, for whom I took a week off, so he could take me to Paris. This was the moment I had feared for almost a year now, the moment those two worlds would collide.
"Sorry for your loss, man." Morgan said, pulling me back from the trance I had been in during Will was talking. His sweet voice like music in my ears.
"So, you all know each other?" Tina asked confused.
"Professionally." I quickly added, looking over at Emily, then at Will and back at Tina again.
"Yeah, the BAU helped me out on a case about a year ago." 10 months and 17 days. I corrected him in my head, relieved he played a long.
"But just for the sake of clarity, I'm not here to investigate. Charlie was supposed to be married this august, except the guy that floated up last night was him. I guess I have the honor of notifying his fiancée." He swallowed. "So she's going to need some answers, closure, and I'm just here to get that for her."
I had met her once, Angela. She was really sweet and like all of our victims, didn't deserve this.
"Do you know why he was here?" Rossi interrupted the silence of the team.
"Well, he was meeting up with some college buddies to compete in a regatta. He was a big boat guy."
"So he wasn't traveling alone?" Hotch wanted to know.
"Well, he came alone! He was meeting them here." Will told him.
"We should track these friends down, see if they saw anything." Rossi proposed. "And the other victims? Any potential witnesses?"
"No, Paul Hayes was here alone on business, Daniel Brown came down to windsurf by himself." Tina answered.
"So they were all essentially alone." Reid concluded.
"The UnSub watched them long enough to know that." Emily said, totally in profiling mode again.
"Yeah, he's probably already scooping out his next victim and I don't have a damn thing to warn people with." Tina swore. "So come on inside, I've got everything all set up." She led the way to her office.
Morgan greeted Will again as we walked behind her, putting his hand on his shoulder.
It got hard for me to walk straight. The problem wasn't Will's grief or his friend or his fiancée. It was me. I was there and I still couldn't comfort him. Morgan comforted him more than I did, for crying out loud. How many nights have I fallen asleep next to him, crying my eyes out, knowing I was in the right company? He even flew in and took time off to be there for me after Garcia was shot. I hadn't even asked him to. And now it was the easiest thing in the world, we were standing right next to each other. All I had to do was spread out my arms and throw them around him but I couldn't even take his hand. Or wouldn't, anyway.
"Hey, wait up!" Will pulled at my sleeve to stop me as we walked up the stairs to Tina's office and I instinctively checked if everyone was out of hearing distance.
I looked at him, holding on to my bag tightly. His face was so familiar, I knew every line of it, yet we stood on that staircase like two complete strangers.
"What was that?"
"What was what?" I checked on them again. Nobody was there.
"Professionally?" We got to know each other during work. That's almost the same. Before I could answer he asked "Hey? You still haven't told them about us?" His voice was calm, not angry, rather disappointed. Why? I wanted to yell. Why was it so important to him? But I understood him, I'd be pissed if he'd never told anyone about me, so why couldn't I do it?
"It's none of their business."
"Where do you tell them you go every weekend?" He asked.
"I don't." That wasn't entirely true, they asked almost every weekend I was gone and I usually told them I was with my other friends (ha as if I had any other friends) or chilling on the couch, or working.
"Wait a sec, are you ashamed or something?"
"What? No." I smiled, meaning it. They'd kill for someone like Will. I know Emily would. There was no reason to be ashamed
"No, it's just in this team, everyone knows everything about everyone. There's no privacy. My personal life is one less thing they can profile."
He nodded understandingly. I kept on looking if they were already looking for us.
"All right, we should get up there."
"Yeah, we wouldn't want your team to think something's up, would we?" He turned to go but I grabbed him.
"Please don't do that, okay?" Don't turn your back on me.
"You realize that this is going to happen every now and then when our career paths cross, right?" He asked, now he was the one holding on to my shirt.
No, I wanted to say. This was a weird coincidence, our paths wouldn't cross again. Our career paths wouldn't, anyway. Instead, I said "Doesn't make it any less awkward." Not the right choice of words.
"Wow, I never realized how much 'awkward' could sound like ashamed." He walked ahead. Great, I was further away from comforting him in this rough time than ever.
It had taken me 8 months to tell my mother about him and I had told her about my first boyfriend like 15 minutes after our first kiss. This wasn't just some crush and that's why I didn't think it was necessary to let anyone know. Wasn't it enough that we loved each other? I didn't want to show off with him or answer questions about his abs. I wanted it to be the two of us again, like it was on our vacation.
Tina showed us more pictures of the crime scenes. Morgan and Reid went to the first scene, Emily and Rossi looked at the stuff of the victims and, how else could it be, Hotch assigned me to identify the body with him and Will.
The sheet wasn't really pulled away when Will already confirmed that it was Charlie.
"You're not family but I can cut through the red tape." The doctor said, covering Charlie's face again. Not family. I wonder how I would feel if someone said that about my team. We were family. Emily and I were definitely closer than she and her mother.
"Thank you" Will murmured.
"If you need help making arrangements, liaising with families is part of what I do." I offered him my services, all professional in front of Hotch.
"I might just take you up on that. Excuse me, I'll be outside." He shook his head and stormed out the door. When I was sure, the medical examiner stayed in the room talking to Hotch, I followed him out, through two double doors until we stood in the sunshine again. "What?" I asked, knowing the answer.
"I'm about to call Charlie's fiancée, Angela, you might remember her, a woman I have known for many years, and tell her that her fiancé died and I don't know why. You think I need some FBI media liaison? I need you, JJ." He was angrier than I had ever seen him. I couldn't blame him. This was the usual way people reacted, they went all quiet or started screaming but Will was the one shouting at me and I could see the pain in his eyes as his words bored into my heart.
"I'm here for you."
"Yes." He nodded, staring right into my eyes. "As long as no one sees us, right?"
"You know it's not that."
"I don't know what to believe anymore."
"Will." I begged, my voice broke, but he didn't turn around.
Hotch's voice came closer until he stood next to me.
"Where'd he go?" He asked.
Away from me because I'm a shitty girlfriend. "Umm, he's calling Ang- the victim's fiancée. He'll take a cab back to the station." I had no idea where he was really going but this seemed realistic.
"Fine" Hotch pressed a button on the key and opened the car.
"Tell him to meet us at Charlie Luvet's hotel room."
How did he know I had his number? Did he know? I'd had it last year, to contact him about our arrival in New Orleans, so it wasn't too deceptive that I still had it. That must be it, I calmed myself. He had no clue. I hoped if I just repeated it often enough, I'd believe it.
I pulled out my phone, typing the words, not looking up at Hotch as he drove through the streets. 'Going to Charlie's room now. Are you coming, too?' I made it sound like a question but it was a quiet beg. He didn't reply.
The room was clean, for a man. Will was rather messy. His apartment was always cleaned up when I came but he once told me that he never cleaned up in between my visits. His honesty was just another thing I loved about him.
He was looking for Charlie's gun and shield, unsuccessfully. When he tried to get past me, he slightly touched my shoulder but I backed away. "Don't."
"I'm standing in my dead partner's apartment and you think I'm in the mood for grab ass, huh?" He started rummaging through Charlie's suitcase, finding a plastic band. He gave it to me, taking off his gloves and placing them in my hand as well, stalking out the front door.
"Hey, I'm sorry." I said, but he couldn't hear me anymore.
"Where's detective Lamontagne?" Hotch asked when we were done examining the room.
"I don't know." I stuttered when Will came in sight around the corner. I simply pointed in his direction.
"Detective, we're headed to the club where the regatta takes place. Would you like to join us?"
Will nodded and got in the back door of the car.
The club owner told us that there was no regatta during that time and they had different bands as well. Will was angry, annoyed, embarrassed that he had believed it all those years.
Morgan called to tell us the band belonged to a gay bar and Will was even more upset.
We left shortly after that, going back to the station, still not speaking a word, not even looking at each other. At least Hotch wasn't like Emily and didn't mind driving in silence.
Emily had her back turned to Will, who was signing some paperwork in the corner. I handed her a bottle of water. It was hot but humid, still, I was completely dry inside.
"At least we have something fun to look at. Keeps us on our toes." She said.
"What do you mean?" I honestly had no idea, but when she said his name I flinched a bit, taking a quick look at Will. "You think so?" I asked her.
"Don't you?" She laughed. I did. But I was biased. My opinion didn't count. Didn't matter.
"Yeah, I guess he has a thing." I admitted, turning around to look at him, quickly turning back when he met my gaze.
"Definitely a thing" Emily took another zip of the water.
"Excuse me, Agents." Will called.
We turned around.
"Can one of you please sign this? I'm not officially working the case so-"
"Yes." We said simultaneously but for some miraculous reason, her phone went off and she waved to signalize me to go ahead and do it. She left the room.
"Where do you need me to sign?" I sighed and walked over to the little table he was leaning at.
"Right here."
I don't know what I'd expected but it was a real file that required an agent's signature. I scribbled my name on it and looked up at him. Only one other officer was present but he seemed very distracted by his computer. I looked into Will's eyes for a long moment. I have no idea what drove me to do it but I pressed my lips to his. I didn't smile, I didn't move, I didn't breathe, neither did he. Our lips just touched as if I was politely greeting someone. We stayed like this for 2 seconds until I left without another word.
After delivering the profile, Hotch left and Emily followed him, Reid and Morgan were nowhere in sight. I had stood across the room from Will, we had both deliberately stared at the floor, not really paying attention to what they were saying. But I'd peeked up at him from time to time, afraid I might meet his gaze but needing to check how he reacted to what we said about the man that had killed Charlie.
When I was sure nobody I knew could hear us, I ran after Will who was about to exit the room.
"I'm sorry about Charlie." I finally said, nervously chewing on my lip. There was a distance between us. Not only physically but mentally as well.
He didn't answer, just looked at me.
"JJ-" I hate it when people start a sentence with my name. I always immediately know that it isn't going to be a nice talk. "-Are you seriously going to keep this a secret? I wouldn't even be surprised if they already knew with the thousands of hints they've given you. I'm not deaf."
"I'm waiting for the right time." I tried to talk myself out of this.
"There is no right time." He grabbed my shoulders and shook me softly.
Footsteps signalized me that the team was back.
"I gotta go" I turned to leave but he took my hand, squeezed it. I had no choice but to stay.
"I love you." He said honestly, so quietly, it was almost a whisper and no one could have possibly heard it, but for some reason I couldn't say it. The words I had said to him so many times. I searched for them but they were erased from my vocabulary.
"Tell Angela that I'm really sorry." I responded and moved away from his touch to catch up with the rest of the team.
"You wanna grab something to eat?" Emily asked that evening, when we were allowed to leave.
"No, thanks, I'm just really tired. You guys go without me." I waved her goodnight and was about go back to the hotel when I spotted Will on the porch.
"All you need to know is that he loved you very much." I heard, knowing he was comforting Angela.
I was playing with my earlobe, something I always did when I was nervous.
"Hey." I called out when he hung up.
"Man, it sure is warm in the bayou, but at least it cools down some at night." He said. Small talk, really? There was something between us that I'd never experienced before. Awkwardness. We'd had a certain connection from the very beginning and it was still there when I had seen him two weeks ago, how did it leave us so quickly? Where had it gone?
I didn't answer, just looked around me, waiting for him to say something.
"What, are you leaving?" He asked, pointing at my coat. The absolutely useless coat, even at night.
"Yeah, I'm beat." I thought of the comfy bed that was waiting for me at the hotel and thought about how much more comfortable it would be with Will in it.
"Without saying goodbye?"
"I didn't know where you were." That was a lie, I'd known where he was all day, always keeping an eye on him.
"Did you look?" Here we were, at the highest point of awkwardness we could have reached.
Again, I kept my lips shut and just stared at his shirt.
"Should I be worried?"
No, I wanted to say but my mouth wouldn't form the words.
"I mean, it doesn't take a profiler to see that you got one foot out the door in this relationship." With Will stressing the word relationship, I suddenly felt like everybody was staring at us, although I knew they had already left.
"Could you just keep your voice down?" I begged.
"I don't care if they hear us. Hey, yo-" He nodded towards some random guy in the office. "I'm crazy about her." He nodded in my direction. "You know, I don't have a problem with people knowing about it." Obviously.
"Well, I do" I said in a bitchy tone. Was he trying to provoke me?
"Why?"
"Just because..." Everybody's favorite answer, because. It wasn't a yes or a no and definitely no argument. It was just a because. The emptiest word of all.
"It's my business" I put extra stress on the 'my' until I realized it was kind of his as well. He nervously wiped his chin, something I'd noticed him doing before when he was stressed.
"Are you ashamed of this?"
"No." I said calmly.
"Did I offend you?"
"No." Not a single time.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No." Never
"Are you seeing another guy?"
"No." His words were like punches in my chest. How could he think I would ever cheat on him? Ever? Besides, I barely had time for this relationship, let alone another secret boyfriend.
"Do you want to see another guy?"
"No." As if I could ever find a better guy.
"What? You want to break up?"
No. But what I stuttered was a silent yes.
"You do?" He asked again, not having expected this, and I repeated the words clearly.
"Yeah."
"Ok." His mouth twitched.
"We're supposed to hop on a plane every weekend forever? And neither one of us is willing to relocate so-" I was agitated. For no reason. I had no right to be agitated.
"When did we have that discussion?" Was he just considering it?
"Well, do you?" I almost screamed.
"Maybe." That already made him more open than me.
"You would give up your career in New Orleans so you can live in Quantico, Virginia?" It didn't cross my mind for a second that I could move. Because I couldn't.
"Well, I'd at least like to have that option! You know, look JJ, all I'm looking for here is an acknowledgment to your friends that you care about me."
"Why? Why is that so important to you?" I barked.
"Why?" He repeated. "Have a good night, JJ"
I watched him turn around, walk away, further and further with each step. My heart beat heavily in my chest, appearing totally calm on the outside, I was screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside. I was screaming for him to come back but he didn't. After all, I had been the one who just broke up with him. Sort of. Had I?
"Will!" I called after him but he didn't look back.
Where were we now?
I wondered whether it was for the best if we split up. He would find another woman, one that appreciated what he did for her and one that didn't hide him, one that was good enough for him. Every woman was lucky to have a guy like him. I could find a way to legally marry my job and it would all be like it was. Like it never happened. Only it did. Was I really ready to let go of this? Was I strong enough to go on with my life on my own? I had managed before, sure, but Will had changed everything. I had gotten so used to calling him when I was sad or happy or lonely or just thought of him because I missed him. What would I do with all my free time?
The thunder rumbled in the background, tiny raindrops fell from the sky. I watched passengers walk by for a minute and decided to go inside again to check if Hotch was still there. Which he was, of course.
"What if the unsub sees a freedom in his victims that he wishes he had himself?" I just blurted out. Hotch didn't answer, he looked at me and knew something was up. I regretted saying it the second I did, Hotch already knew that and I had just turned it into a personal drama.
Embarrassed for letting him see me so vulnerable, I just nodded and left, making my way to the hotel. All alone. The heavy rain drops falling on my head until you couldn't differ them from my tears anymore.
The last thing I wanted after an evening like that was to get up and pretend that nothing happened. But I had to. And I did.
A boy had seen the UnSub and I took in his information but he couldn't tell me much. I was so angry at him. Couldn't he have paid more attention?
Almost bored and desperate for work, I begged Hotch to give me something to do but he took Emily and Rossi and Morgan, leaving me alone with the detective. And Will...
I managed to more or less hide from him, at least I could avoid all sorts of conversations by calling Garcia whenever he entered the office or just by pretending to be on the phone. How pathetic. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. When I passed by a mirror, the face that was supposed to be my reflection, was a stranger's.
Who had I become? Hiding because of some guy. Not any guy, it was Will, but after all, just a guy. Perhaps he was the one and only, but I supposed I'd never find out and just had to get over it like I always used to when things got serious with men and then broke apart again.
I choked, ran and hid until the coast was clear and I could sneak out in the fog so I'd never have to face them again. Not literally spoken, of course.
When Morgan came back, he took detective Lopez and left me again.
Garcia was happy to babble in Italian and tell me all about her super awesome boyfriend. If she knew.
It was only an hour later that they all came back, relaxed, announcing that they had caught him and we could go back home.
"Detective Lopez signed this into your custody." I handed Will Charlie's gun and shield, it was the first words I spoke to him that day, I made sure not to touch him.
"Thank you." Not looking up, he said "I still can't believe it."
"That Charlie was gay?" I asked. He had seemed so happy when I'd met him a couple of months back. Will and I had only been dating for like 3 months, it was before Paris, and I had wished to become as familiar with him as Charlie and Angela seemed. We did. And I blew it.
"No, that he thought he couldn't tell me. That he thought he had to hide it. I mean, I can't think of anything I'd have cared less about than him being gay, you know?" I knew. He was tolerant and accepted people for what they were, including me. I wanted to embrace him, tell him everything was going to be alright but he caught his voice again and spoke first. "Well, he was my friend and I loved him. And all I would have ever wanted was for him to be happy, you know?" Again, I knew. Was he telling me that the same applied fore me, too? Or did I interpret too much in it?
The silence grew, until he took a breath and grabbed the bag behind him. I couldn't speak.
"Take care of yourself, JJ" And then he left.
I forced myself to keep the tears away. There he went. Away from me.
"You should go for him." Emily suddenly said over my shoulder. Where had she come from?
I felt sick, put my hand on my stomach. I watched him go, the one thing I once had been sure I could never stand loosing just left and I did nothing to stop him.
"What?"
"You'd make a cute couple" We wouldn't. We did. I corrected her in my head. Emily followed my gaze in Will's direction.
"You know what?" I gave in. I had been an idiot and it was time to face my fears. My ridiculous fears. It was time to stop running away from whatever I was running away from. I ran towards Will, who turned around when he heard me calling out his name.
"It's not that I didn't want them to know, ok? Look, I don't care about that." I admitted. "It's not about the relocating, it's not about traveling on the weekends or some guy. I didn't want to tell anyone because the minute I do, it becomes... It becomes real and when it becomes real people get hurt. And I've always run from getting hurt. Always... And I don't want to run away any more. Not from you and..."
He waited patiently until I had confessed everything, until he couldn't take it any more.
"JJ. Just shut up!" I looked up at him as he got closer, shutting my mouth with his lips, reminding me why breaking up with him was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. Suddenly there it was again; the magic, the electricity, the fireworks. I was aware of my team's eyes on my back. But I didn't pull away when I heard their footsteps. Not this time.
We silently sat on a bench outside of the department, my head leaning on his shoulder, when Hotch peeked around the corner.
"Here you are. We're leaving at 6 tomorrow morning, they won't let us fly this late so we have to wait until dawn." He informed me.
"Ok, see ya then." I waved goodbye.
For once in my life, I was glad we didn't leave immediately. Still, this didn't make a lot of sense, I get it that people don't want the noise in the middle of the night but why did we have to fly at 6am? Wouldn't it be easier to sleep until like 7, leave at 8 and then go home? We would probably get the rest of the day off anyway so why did we have to spend the time off in boring DC, rather than exciting Miami? I'm sure all of us went home to their beds anyway. Ok, fine, it happened so rarely and I could understand that people might want to get home to their families. Which neither of us really had, not in DC, anyway.
"Did you hear that, we have until 5, which means like 6 hours" I checked my watch.
"We better make the best out of that." Will kissed me and took my hand as we got up to walk to the hotel.
"We gotta get up in 4 hours and 45 minutes" I threw my jacket and bag on the floor.
"I don't think I wanna sleep" Will's hands touched my hips from behind.
"Well, that makes two of us!"
And so we made up for everything. For doubting each other, for running away, for making a mistake. But also celebrated, that we fixed the fault and I finally got over my fear of getting hurt. Or so I thought. Because Will would't hurt me.
The stubbles of his beard were rough on my chin, the smell of his shampoo was like a flower meadow, only to me, to other people it smelled more manly, of course, and his touch reminded me, that I was home. I was at home in this cheap hotel in Miami that the bureau paid for, I was at home in his beautiful little house in New Orleans, I was at home in his arms.
"How could you believe, even for a second, that there could ever be another guy?" I pulled up, lay my hands on his naked chest and rested my chin on top of them, looking in his eyes, watching his eyelashes move with every blink.
"Why wouldn't there be? Look at you." He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "I'm not the only one noticing your beauty. And do you know how many applications the BAU gets every year? -I have no idea, but I'm sure many- they didn't choose you for no reason. You're the best! At everything you do." What a suck up he was. Yet, I couldn't deny how nice his words sounded.
"Well, then you don't realize how perfect you are! There's no man in who's embrace I would rather like to fall asleep, no voice I would rather like to hear saying those three magical words and no lips I would rather like to wake me up on a rainy work day than yours."
"I love you."
"I love you." I hadn't lost the words, after all. I had just forgotten them in a moment of weakness. But they were still there, stored for the only man who deserved them...
