SPOOF TREK: FROGGER

"Walmart"

(Spoofing "Workforce," Season 7)

Summary: A sinister company brainwashes the Frogger crew into being their mind-slaves! It's up to Commander Studmuffin and the Hedgehog to retrieve the crew and restore their memories.


SCENE 1: Alien Planet

[We open to a city that bears a striking resemblance to Couresant of "Star Wars," except the aliens suck. We zoom in on a massive, futuristic Walmart, with a red neon "HELP WANTED" sign glowing above it. Various Frogger crewmembers are seen, wearing colorful, shinny Disco outfits, all with the smiley Walmart logo on the chest.]

Kathryn Myway: Woa-god, this crate's heavy… [Trying to lift a crate labeled "Spice Energy Drink: Blueberry Dune."] I don't think I can…waaa!

[Myway falls, spilling blue fizzy stuff all over the floor, and spraining her wrist. Telephone Line clops over on pinchy high heels, and snooty librarian glasses.]

Telephone Line: YOU swab! We cannot tolerate inefficiency here at Wally-World! Mop this up instantly, or you will find yourself UNEMPLOYED!

Kathryn Myway: All-RIGHT Mrs. Efficiency Monitor, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!

Telephone Line: I'm afraid that I do. When I first got this job I was kind to everyone, and my male superiors warned me that my feminine weakness would get me the sack. Of course, now they're accusing me of being too bitchy and butch, so it's a bit of a lose-lose situation. [Walks off, and begins shouting at other employees.]

Myway: Sheeesh! At least this is better than my last job.

[A gray-haired man approaches Myway. Like most aliens on this planet, he's identical to a human, except for some ridges on his forehead that look like the letter "A", for "alien."]

Alien Man: What was that?

Myway: My last job? Middle school teacher.

Alien Man: [Shudders.] Well, welcome to the Wally-team. I'm Jakauf. And…I'm partial to women with large hair. [Blushes]

Myway: Well…I'm Kathryn Myway. And I'm partial to gray-haired men who are humble and simple, not burdened with silly things like personalities. [Blushes and giggles.]


SPACE!

[The spiffed-up shuttlecraft Delta Lightning zips by, the lightning bolt on its hull freshly repainted. The license plate reads "QKNOWS." Above the helm, under the viewscreen, dangles several key chains; a Star Freak com. Badge, a tiny dream catcher, and a "Captain Proton!" bouncy ball.]

Chevrolet: First Officer's log, stardate 24601: The boys and I have completed another away mission. This week, we ventured to the planet of the Iguana People, where we traded several crates of leola root for bags of coffee and Pepsi pro—

Cakemix: Hey careful there Keanu Reeves, yousa almost showin' some emotion!

Fairly Dim: Commander what is it with you? It's like five days out of the week you act like a normal person, but then every once in a while you get this attack of "monotone syndrome" or something.

Chevrolet: [Sigh.] I suppose I may as well tell you guys. Years ago, when I was a cadet, I had a vision quest go horribly wrong. Now, about once every two or three weeks, I get possessed by the ghost of Nicolas Cage. Some Catholic priests once offered to exercise me, but they seemed more interested in tying me up and using the whip than expelling the demon, and their "holy water" bore a striking resemblance to vegetable oil. Then I noticed that these "priests" were my young female classmates. Man, I miss those Academy nights sometimes…!

Fairly Dim: Uuuugh I'm gonna be sick!

Cakemix: What yousa so green in the face for, Fairly? Mesa been here the whole time to keep y'all company! Come, hugs, hugs around!

Fairly Dim: [Muffled by Cakemix's crushing hug] Thank god this mission's finally over!

Chevrolet: Maybe not. I can't find Frogger!

Fairly Dim: WHAT?!

Cakemix: That's okay! Wesa can pass the time by singing the Muffin Man song! Ooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea…!

Dim: Chevrolet, orders?

Chevrolet: [monotone] We're gonna steal it.

Dim: Huh?

Chevrolet: We're gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.

[Dim stares; then slaps Chevrolet hard across the face. Chevrolet shakes his head, and sits up, suddenly himself again.]

Chevrolet: Search for a warp signature and follow it! Lock n' load phasers! We'll find our people!


FROGGER'S BRIDGE:

[Smoke is everywhere. Chevrolet, Dim and Cakemix enter, wearing spacesuits. They look around curiously. The Doctor suddenly pounces from behind the captain's chair, and knocks Dim to the ground with a karate kick.]

Chevrolet: Cool it The Doctor, it's us.

The Doctor: Commander! My apologies! I'm a bit paranoid. The moment you four left for your mission, things went horribly wrong! ….Where's that flashback button…ah!

[The Doc presses a button on Myway's chair, and we see everything go squiggly, fading into a flashback. We see Captain Myway, Tuvacca, The Doctor, Tim Parsnip, B'Zooka Tourguide, Telephone Line, Ensign Spam Wildthing, Naomi Wildthing, the Bored children, and several others gathered on the bridge, with chips and popcorn. Many are wearing princess hats, pirate hats, paper crowns, or feathered Shakespeare hats.]

The Doctor [V.O.]: We were all on the bridge. Since you manly-men were away for the weekend, the rest of us decided to have a "Once Upon a Time" marathon. (Mr. Parsnip wasn't enthusiastic, but he went along with it.) Well, we'd just gotten to the episode where Prince Charming made a deal with Rumpelstiltskin to find the Secret of the Beans, but he didn't realize that Rumple was secretly still working with the Evil Queen, who was also working with Captain Hook, except Hook was really working for Pinocchio—

Chevrolet [V.O.]: The Doctor, spare us. Please.

The Doctor [V.O.]: Sorry. Anyway…

[On the view screen, we see various fairy tale characters in modern clothing, talking dramatically about "saving the beans," "stopping the Evil Queen from finding out about the beans," and "power of the beans." Then, suddenly, green smoke erupts all over the bridge!]

Naomi Wildthing: [Cough] Smells like someone was eating magic beans!

B'Zooka: According to my scans, this gas is toxic!

Captain Myway: Looks like we'll have to abandon ship. Again. [Sigh.] Escape pods everyone. Not you, The Doctor. Computer, activate Emergency Command Character! You've waited a long time for this chance; the ship and the TV are both yours. Good luck!

[Insert clips from "Star Wars" of escape pods blasting off.]


END FLASHBACK

The Doctor: I was anticipating my very own episode, where I track down the crew and protect the ship singlehandedly! …and then twelve and a half minutes later, you three showed up. Guess it's Commander Stud Muffin to the rescue, like usual.

Chevrolet: Yep. Fairly, hail the ship guarding that planet over there. The escape pods' warp signatures all trace over in that direction…or something.

[They hail the alien ship. On the view screen appears a rubber-forehead douche. It's a teenager, clearly working his first job, munching on Cheetos and texting.]

Rubber Forehead Douche: What.

Chevrolet: I'm Commander Chevrolet of the starship Frogger. Have you seen about 150 humanoids in uniforms like mine, in escape pods, recently?

Rubber Forehead Douche: Yes, yes I have and…[Squints, thinking hard]…and they…stopped by for coffee and then vanished without a…? No no, they…showed up and we captured and brainwashed…wait no…. [whimper] Can we start over?

Chevrolet: [Smiles gently] Perfectly alright kid. Have a nice day, Chevrolet out. [Kills the transmission, and sighs.] God DAMMIT. Another alien brainwashing plot…and this time on the whole damn crew! We need to go back down to that planet. I'll need a disguise, since they've already seen me and know my name.

Fairly Dim: Maybe you and me could disguise in our "Year of Doodoo" looks. You know, with the messy bangs, and the mustache,

Chevrolet: Fairly, this is no time for fan service. And it's no time for you to get killed again either. You're staying up here on Frogger, out of danger. And the Doctor will stay with you, just in case something on board tries to kill you. Cakemix and I will go to the planet.

The Doctor: I'll get some disguises prepared for you two at once…!

[One scene later, Chevrolet is wearing a fake glasses-nose-and-mustache disguise. Cakemix walks out, in a rubber Richard Nixon mask.]

Cakemix: Wesa gonna be invisible!

Chevrolet: ….


ALIEN DINER:

[Chevrolet and Cakemix go to a pub located inside the Walmart. Here, they find several Frogger shipmates as workers and customers, all wearing those weird Disco work suits.]

Tuvacca: …and then the captain says, "that's no Ferangi, that's my wife!"

[Tuvacca laughs, and swigs alien brandy. His crowd of friends laugh at his joke. Not far away, little Naomi Wildthing is sweeping the floor, wearing rags and a French barrette.]

Naomi Wildthing: There is a castle on a cloud…I like to go there in my sleep…

[Cakemix and Chevrolet go to talk to Tim Parsnip, who is bartending.]

Tim Parsnip: …Parsnip, Tim Parsnip. I love bartending! And I hate space travel.

Cakemix: [Whispers] They-sa brainwashed these people with the same names?

Chevrolet: [Whispers] What kind of tribble-brained imbeciles would try to hide someone's identity without even changing the name?

[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker pass by. Obi-Wan freezes when he hears this conversation, and looks at Luke, wide-eyed.]

Brian Griffin: Hey! Waiter! Whose leg to I have ta' hump ta' get a dry martini around here?!

Tim Parsnip: Sorry! Geeze. [Fills Brian's glass.]

[B'Zooka Tourguide walks in.]

Tim Parsnip: Hey, hot stuff! What kind of drink can I fix up for y—oh, wow, you're pregnant! Never mind.

B'Zooka: Yep. I'd say I've done enough drinking in my life. [Sigh.] If I could only find the father and slap him with a paternity suit. And my fists!

Tim Parsnip: Haha, man, I sure don't envy that jerk! Here's a kiddy cocktail, on the house….

[Meanwhile, Chevrolet has found Captain Myway and her alien boyfriend Jerkoff ]

Myway: Nice to meet you, Mr. Volkswagen Beatle. I'm Kathryn Myway. And this is my new boyfriend, Jerkoff . We met yesterday and now we're moving in together! It was love at first sight!

Jerkoff : Did you know that Walmart has the highest recorded rates for "love at first sight"?

Chevrolet: I'm shocked.

[Myway and Jerkoff begin smooching, and soon vanish under the table. Chevrolet stares behind his nose-and-'stache disguise, unmoved. Cakemix taps his shoulder, making him jump and yelp.]

Chevrolet: AAAH! Oh, it's you.

Cakemix: [lifts his Nixon mask] Commander, how wesa gonna get all 200 shipmates back to Frogger, and restore their memories?

Chevrolet: I'm not sure. Who knows if there's anything left of the real Kathryn Myway, or B'Zooka Tourguide, or Tuvacca—

[Suddenly, a commotion is heard. Two men in white coats are trying to restrain Tuvacca, who is shouting madly.]

Tuvacca: WE DO NOT BELONG HERE! SOMETHING! IS NOT RIGHT! IT'S A CONSPIIIIRACY!

Chevrolet: [Smiles] Hey, Tuvacca's going crazy again! I guess they are still themselves, somewhere deep down.

[In his madness, Tuvacca grabs B'Zooka's Kiddie Cock-tail and attempts a mind-meld.]

Tuvacca: My mind…to your mind…your bubbly suds…to my mouth! I CAN HELP YOU CONTROL THE MADNESS, MR. SCOOTER!

B'Zooka: I'm done. [Gets up and leaves.]

Cakemix: B'Zooka!

Chevrolet: We have to get her back! She's the coolest person on our show! Without her our series is doomed! Come on.

[Neelix and Chevrolet run out of the café after B'Zooka. No one notices, because Tim Parsnip is now dancing drunkenly on a table, while leading the entire bar in a reenactment of "Master of the House" from "Le Mis."]


STREET:

Cakemix: Psst, B'Zooka, it's us! [Removes Richard Nixon mask]

Chevrolet: B'Zooka, come with me, we're here to rescue—

B'Zooka: YA!

[She smacks Chevrolet with her hand, and knocks him to the ground with her Clingon strength! Oddly enough though, Cakemix is able to overpower her. This is because she's so baffled by how freaky looking he is, that he's able to get the upper hand. Cakemix and B'Zooka are beamed back to Frogger, but Chevrolet is not.]

Chevrolet: Chevrolet to Frogger! Hey, aren't you forgetting someone?!

Fairly Dim: Sorry, transporters conveniently went offline. I guess I could take a shuttle down and pick you up, but I'm afraid I'll crash or get shot down and die again.

[Chevrolet groans, dropping into a face-palm. An alien guard comes up behind him with a laser gun.]

Guard: Hey! You! You're up to something! Move and you're dead!

[Without breaking his face-palm, Chevrolet punches the guard with his free hand, knocking him out cold. The laser gun goes off when it hits the ground however, hitting him in the shoulder.]

Chevrolet: OW!


SICKBAY:

[The Doctor and Cakemix stand over B'Zooka, who is asleep.]

The Doctor: …you're saying the fiends made Mr. Parsnip's wife believe she was an unwedded whore?

Cakemix: Yep. Can yousa fix her?

The Doctor: I could try rearranging her cranial molecules. [Picks up his trusted coconut.]

Cakemix: Um, actually Doc, mesa got a better idea. Why don't my give B'Zooka a tour of her own life!

The Doctor: Well I suppose that works too.


ALIEN BAR:

[Chevrolet has stumbled back to the bar, to hide in the crowd. He sits at a table in the corner, holding his wounded arm. The alien band from "Star Wars" plays, helped by Scorpius and the crab-like Pilot from "Farscape," who play the drums. Myway suddenly stops by Chevrolet's table.]

Myway: Mr. Chevrolet! You don't look so good.

Chevrolet: [Holding his arm, which is squirting blood like the Black Knight from "Monty Python"] I'm, uh, just tired.

Myway: All-righty then. I gotta get going. I'm brining my junk over to Jerkoff 's padd, and I need to finish up before any cat-burglars sneak into my place to hide from the law or something! [Leaves]


FROGGER: TIM AND B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS:

B'Zooka: You're saying I used to live here?

Cakemix: Yes! You and your husband!

B'Zooka: Husband? You mean I'm not an unmarried Wisconsinite who got knocked up at a Drunken Barn festival?

Cakemix: Er…no. Yousa a badass Chief Engineer aboard a starship, who married the flyboy pilot! Look around!

B'Zooka: This is the TV…Tim watches "Spongebob" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" on it…and this is the Pi'Za Slicer, that the Clingon Captain gave my unborn daughter…and here's Midol's crib!

[B'Zooka leans over the baby-crib. Above it is a mobile, dangling miniatures of the U.S.S. Frogger, Captain Flirt's Freedomfries, Captain Pick-a-card's Freedomfries, a Clingon war-bird, the Millennium Falcon, Moya, the Battlestar Galactica, the Lexx, and Lonestar's Winnebego.]

B'Zooka: …And I know you too Hedgehog! You once said, that if I ever needed to unleash my anger…

Cakemix: Yes? You're remembering more? [Wags his tail hopefully]

B'Zooka: I'm not sure why, but I have the urge to do this.

[B'Zooka begins kicking Cakemix around like a soccer ball.]

Cakemix: My knew yousa would remember!


ALIEN APARTMENT COMPLEX:

[Myway is in Jerkoff 's apartment, unpacking her seven boxes of coffee mugs and coffee pots.]

Jerkoff : My god Kathy, I've never seen so many coffee mugs in my life! Hey, where are you going?

Myway: To get my bags of coffee!

[Myway goes across the hall to her own apartment. She leaves the lights off, for some reason. She picks up a blanket, and finds it's wet.]

Myway: Hmm. Is it that time of the month already?

[She claps on the lights. Chevrolet is in the corner! He's holding his bleeding arm, panting, his bangs falling over his face.]

Chevrolet: Don't tell anyone I'm here! My bangs are messy, I'm injured and sweaty, if my fangirls know I'm here….an hour ago some of them caught me in that restaurant and I was almost hickey-ed to death, I just barely escaped with my life—

Myway: Why would a dope like you have fan-girls?

Chevrolet: [Removes his mustache-and-glasses disguise] Because I'm the sidekick on a sci-fi series. And…you're the star.

Myway: Wat.

Chevrolet: It's the truth! You're Captin Kathryn Myway, of the Federation Starship Frogger! You've been lost in space for almost seven years! You integrated rebels, aliens, a hologram, a Bored drone, and a dweeb into your senior staff! You've saved the galaxy uncounted times!

Myway: Pfft. You should've told me I'm the leader of a lesbian prison gang, or a CSI team leader with an eye-patch. I might've believed that!

[Chevrolet looks at her solemnly. Then he drags himself to her computer and You-Tubes "Spoof Trek: Frogger." Myway's eyes widen, as she watches a montage video of her adventures on Frogger.]

Myway: I've blown up my own ship? Twice? Three times? Fou—I liked to blow up my own ship a lot? …That crazy Vulcan guy, he's my friend!...and…he goes crazy a LOT….and…I'm a mother? Of…three orange lizard-things?

Chevrolet: [Hastily closes the video] The details aren't important. What matters is…I'm about to pass out from blood loss.

Myway: Wait here! I'll get help.


JACKAUFF'S APARTMENT:

Jackauff: Kathy let me get this straight; you're helping this clown?

[Some security guards suddenly enter the apartment.]

Head Guard: I'm Inspector Urine. Not a pretty name, I know. But that is my name in the real. Actual. Episode. Seriously. The real episode "Workforce" has an alien. Named. Urine.

Myway: Yuck.

Urine: Have you seen this idiot?

[He shows her a wanted poster of Chevrolet, in his disguise. The award is a $5.00 Walmart gift card.]

Myway: I've never seen that freak in my life.

Jackauff: He's in the apartment across the hall.

Myway: Jackafuff! You're such a…jackoff.

[The guards head for Myway's pad.]

Urine: Listen, squad. We want this guy alive. So no shooting in the head or chest. Aim for his tummy.

Guards: Right-o.

[They burst in, but as expected, the new guy aims way too low. Chevrolet collapses, clutching his fried Borg Spheres and Warp Core.]


HOSPITAL:

[Chevrolet is strapped to a bed, being interrogated by Urine and some other guards.]

Chevrolet: Why am I in a hospital? Shouldn't we be having this conversation at a desk in a police station, or something? And why the straps? You could just point a gun at me and tell me not to move.

Urine: Ho-ho! You must be new around here. The punishment for revealing the truth of our sinister plan is, we force you to provide fan service! Of course, you already had the sexy hair, and your actor won't take his clothes off, so the bondage was about all we could do.

Chevrolet: These straps look like Velcro.

Urine: No! They are an alien material far stronger than your human mind can fathom. Don't bother struggling, you'll only chafe your beautiful biceps. Let's get down to beeswax. Um…where were you on the night of the crime?!

Chevrolet: [Rolls eyes] On my cousin's nerf farm making love to a bantha.

Urine: Crimey, that's disguising! This guy's out of his tree. Take him to the Ward for Lunatics and fry his brain.

Chevrolet: If you think these pathetic Velcro straps will hold me…

[Three young nurses in miniskirts suddenly show up, and start wheeling him out of the room.]

Chevrolet: …You're right! [Goes limp, very happily.]


WALLMART CAFÉ:

[Telephone Line, Tim Parsnip, Myway, and Jackafuff are at a table, discussing a plan over coffee.]

Telephone Line: I began to suspect the life I'm living was a lie, when I realized that this work uniform feels far too loose, and breathing seems far too easy.

Myway: So where are Tuvacca and Chevrolet now?

Telephone Line: Both have been captured and bondage-fied.

Myway: Damn. That leaves us four to figure out how to restore everyone's memories, and free everybody!

Jerkoff : Well that's easy, you just have to hit the Reset Button.

Myway: The what?

Jerkoff : The Reset Button. The thing every evil mastermind of every sci-fi series or film has, located somewhere on his doomsday device. Hit the big red button, and that makes everything get better.

Tim Parship: How about this! Telephone Line sneaks into the hospital, works her huge tracks of land on the guards, and gets in and frees Tuvacca and Chevrolet. Myway and Jerkoff, you find the big red button. And I'll…eh…do something forgettable.


HOSPITAL:

[To Chevrolet's disappointment, the nurses do not want to play doctor with him. Instead, they simply bring him to a dark room, where victims strapped to beds are hooked up to tinfoil-head-devices, being manned by scientists and hunchbacks.]

Chevrolet: Am I doing anything here, besides fulfilling teenage she-Trekkies' kinky fantasies?

Doc Brown: Yes! You're helping us lure your friends into a trap! [Applying a tin-foil cap to Chevrolet's head]

FROGGER:

[While Cakemix helps B'Zooka regain her memories, the Doctor has been watching Fairly Dim, to fix any damage done by the ensign's usual random bad luck.]

Fairly Dim: Seriously, WHO left a Cluster Lizard in the men's bathroom?

The Doctor: Hold still, Ensign. [Fusing Dim's severed arm back on.] The creature probably found its way onboard when the gas from that nebula in my flashback leaked in.

Dim: [Looking at his consol] Hey, Chevrolet's contacting us!

Chevrolet: [V.O.] Hey ma peeps! There's, like, a really bumpin' nebula over at yey coordinates. You should, like, fly there. Or something.

[Dim and the Doc exchange a glance.]

Fairly Dim: I have an idea…

[They fly into the trap, and as they expected, are fired on by Walmart ships (which look like giant smiley-faces, shooting lasers from their eyes). Dim masks all the life-signs on the ship, then ejects escape pods filled with bombs. The attacking ships are blown up, in an exploding moment of awesome.]

Fairly Dim: Commanding night shifts, changing history to save Frogger, saving baby Naomi Wildthing from an exploding ship, doing a Bored vessel in with a torpedo-bomb, and now kamikaze escape pods! Think I'm due for a promotion, Doc?

Doctor: I'm sure the Captain will remember to promote you, right after she finishes finding me a fulltime nurse, and remembers to tell her best friend Chevrolet how sorry she is that all his Mosquito friends were killed.

Fairly Dim: Man…her attention span's as bad as mine. [Points to an alien creature hiding behind the consol] Hey look Doc, a Cluster Lizard! Isn't it cute…?


EVIL HOSPITAL:

[Telephone Line marches in, dressed in a very provocative business suit, with a tiny skirt and a low top. When a shirtless man with a pyramid-shaped cadge over his head tries to cut her with a sword, she shoves him away with her Bored strength, not even looking at him. She goes to the desk, where sits the same dopey teenager who we saw Chevrolet confront at the beginning.]

Telephone Line: Oh doctor. My implants hurt. Will you please examine them for me. Massage therapy may be in order.

Intern: I'm—I'm not technically a doctooOOOOOH!

[Telephone is flashing him, her face totally unmoved.]

Intern: I'll just, uh, find someplace private…


WALLY-WORLD:

[The sneaky part of the "James Bond" theme plays, as Myway and Jerkoff sneak around, searching for the Big Red Button. Something dramatic happens, probably involving firefights and confrontations with bad guys, but it's SPOOF TREK "action" so no one cares. After the audience has returned from their potty break with fresh popcorn, they see that Myway and Jerkoff have succeeded in shutting off the Big Red Button, defeating the villains.]


BRAINWASHING WARD:

[Chevrolet and Tuvacca are still strapped to beds. Tuvacca is crazily singing The Cake Song to himself. Chevrolet sighs with agitation, as his gorgeous nurse sits nearby reading a "Lesbian Life" magazine. Suddenly, voices are heard outside the door.]

Telephone Line [V.O.]: …allow me to enter this room, and I will reward you with a kiss.

Intern [V.O.]: Cool! Then I, like, won't be a virgin anymore!

[The door opens, and they enter. The intern snorts and giggles and blushes, until Telephone punches him unconscious.]

Telephone Line: Commander Chevrolet. Commander Tuvacca. You realize those straps are Velcro.

Chevrolet: Oh. Yeah.

[Tuvacca and Chevrolet sit up, breaking free of their flimsy restraints, and hurry up the stairs with Telephone. The lesbian nurse shows mild interest in Telephone's butt, but returns her attention to the green Orion slave girl in her magazine.]


FROGGER'S BRIDGE:

[Myway and Chevrolet sit in their chairs. On the view screen is the President of the Rubber Douche Planet, wearing a formal business top. As he paces around the screen, his "Spoof Trek: The Original Series" boxers make it clear that he has forgotten to wear pants again.]

President: Captain Myway, I apologize for the inconvenience our shady hiring managers caused you, with their illegal brainwashing techniques.

Myway: Don't worry, it happens all the time for us, hehe...no, seriously. It happens. All. The time.

Chevrolet: I'm glad the Doc and Cakemix were able to restore B'Zooka's memories. I hope the rest of the crew gets theirs back just as quickly.


ENGINEERING:

[The Doc and Cakemix are leading the entire crew in a tour of the ship.]

Doctor: And here is the spot where Mr. Cakemix once annoyed someone. And over here is where Lt. Tourguide broke Lt. Carrey's nose.

Lt. Jim Carrey: Hey, riddle me this! Why can I remember getting punched by a lady with a weird forehead, who I don't even know? Wait…Lt. Tourgide! Engineering! It's coming back!

[The Doc and Cakemix beam.]


THE READY FOR A HEARTBREAK ROOM:

Jerkoff : Well, I went to find out if I'd been brainwashed too, and I guess I wasn't. They told me you need a brain to get brainwashed.

Myway: [Puppy eyes] That's wonderful, Jerkoff!

Jerkoff : So, can I join your crew?

Myway: [Sadly] I wish I could allow that…but as the star of a "Trek" series…I can only take on crewmembers with the potential to become interesting. [Gulp.] We have to say goodbye, Jerkoff.


TIM AND B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS:

TV: "Say Terrance! What did the Vulcan logician say to the Bajerkan monk?" "I don't know Phillip! What?" "FRAAAAAAAP!" "AHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

Tim Parsnip: how did I ever live without cartoons!

B'Zooka: [Punches his arm.] That's for flirting with other women! But this is for making great martinis. [Smooches him.]

THE END