Hi guys! Again, if you don't mind _

Piggy- I put you first because I felt bad that you get all the hate. But I respect you cuz we both have glasses! Respect to the glasses!

Simon- you are like an innocent teddy bear. Don't ever change. Ever. It's adorable.

Sam & Eric- you guys are hilarious. But be nice to the lamp. His names Bill.

Maurice- I LUVZ urz random comments! I think we'd be good friends. Don't change either.

Jack- I don't support Jalph or Rock so you can breathe easy. I was in chorus too! But idk if I can sing C sharp. I've never tried. I still like Ralph better though, sorry _

Boulder- you sound chill. Like Bill. But still roger like. It's nice. It's like "yeah, I'm gonna kill you but everything's cool"

Roger- I do agree your sexy. (Not as much as Ralph) but sexy. I'm also a masochist so we'd probably get along if we ever met. Okay, question. If you HAD to be with any of them who would it be? I'm curious.

And Ralph- Omg your still smexy! No matter what they say, your still awesome. And not ginger. And Simon doesn't think your slut so hug him if you get upset about. And good for you, the only guy I could see you with is Roger if you were with a guy so good choice. But who would top in Rolph, do you think? Love you!

-Em13Em

Maurice: whatsup ketchup

Roger: *face palms* stop. saying. that.

Maurice: don't be a negative nelly Roger geez.

Sam: *confused* But Roger's name isn't Nelly—

Eric: —it's Roger.

Sam: ...

Eric: ...

Sam: I think.

Eric: What is your name, Roger?

Roger: *seething* What do you fucking think my name is, twin?

Sam: *thinks* I don't know, you have creepy eyes, so you could be a Dominic.

Eric: But you also have gentle features, so you could pass for a Matthew.

Roger: *slaps head on table* My. fucking. name. is. not. MATTHEW.

Maurice: *whispers to Samneric* Hint: his name is Roger.

Sam: Oh! That makes sense—

Eric: —I guess!

Piggy: *cleaning specs* Can we please answer the questions now.

Ralph: You're up first today, buddy boy.

Piggy: WHAT.

Jack: WHAT.

Roger: WHAT.

Bill: Yah bro, she respects your glasses.

Piggy: REALLY? SOMEONE ACTUALLY LIKES MY SPECS?

Bill: Bro specs are in. *Has hipster glasses* Yah bruh bruh.

Piggy: ...those aren't specs, Bill. Those are hipster frames.

Roger: There aren't even lenses.

Jack: No use for fire, then.

Ralph: *alert like a squirrel* Fire? FIRE!

Roger: Calm down slut, false fucking alarm

Ralph: Oh. *pauses* And I'm not a—

Jack: Just. Just shut up, Ralph. Just shut up.

Piggy: How can you pitiful mongrels be quarreling about something so pathetically trivial when SOMEBODY respects my SPECS?

Roger: It's easier than it sounds.

Jack: You'd be surprised at the things we find more entertaining than your specs, Fatty.

Piggy: *seething* Oh yeah? Like what?

Jack: I don't know, like eating my own arm, or pulling my teeth out, or eating my own arm while pulling Ralph's teeth out.

Roger: And being shit on by a dragon.

Jack: Oh yeah! And being shit on by a dragon.

Ralph: *is slow to realize Jack's insult* HEY. NOT NICE JACK. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR MY PEARLY WHITES. MY DAD PAID FOR FOUR YEARS OF BRACES TO GET THESE BABES STRAIGHT.

Maurice: Your teeth are babes? Can I date one?

Ralph: ...what.

Maurice: I AM COURTING YOUR FRONT TOOTH, RALPH. I FEEL THE TOOTH FAIRY'S MAGIC UPON ME.

Sam: *gasps* one cannot ignore...

Eric: ...a sign from the Tooth Fairy.

Piggy: *shaking head* Whatever, it doesn't matter. You're all incompetent. My specs are obviously superior to all your square little minds.

Maurice: MY MIND IS A TRIANGLE.

Roger: Yes Maurice. Yes it is.

Simon: Aw, she called me an innocent little teddy bear!

Jack: Here we go again.

Simon: Huh?

Jack: We're all gonna agree on how cute and innocent you are, then we're all gonna feel bad for killing you and you're gonna make us feel worse by telling us not to feel bad, and then I'm gonna go home and cry to Air Supply while drinking my mum's vodka and dancing with a broom because my dignity has been shattered.

Roger: ...what was that about dancing with a broom?

Jack: *sighs* Oh. Nothing.

Maurice: Jack should date one of Ralph's teeth too. He'd be less lonely.

Ralph: NO. WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD MAURICE.

Bill: Dating teeth is too mainstream. It's toenails where the real babes are.

Sam: Lamp, I think you need your bulb changed.

Eric: You're talking all weird.

Roger: I think everyone here needs their bulbs changed.

Maurice: MY BULB IS A TRIANGLE.

Roger: ...I'm not going to comment on how wrong that sounded.

Jack: Let's hope for his sake that his bulbs aren't triangles, or Ralph's tooth is gonna be having a real bad time.

Bill: Aw bro, that's just nasty. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TO HAVE THAT IMAGE IN THEIR MIND.

Ralph: I am leaving. My teeth feel violated and I am pressing charges. *leaves*

Piggy: Well he FINALLY got the courage to do SOMETHING productive...

Roger: I don't think teeth molestation charges count as productive.

Piggy: *grimaces* Well, he's getting there...

Jack: Whatever. Less venereal diseases to be transferred through teeth-Maurice sex. Beats me. Samneric, you're up.

Sam: OH BOY!

Eric: WE'RE UP!

Sam: SHE SAYS WE'RE HILARIOUS. *looks at Eric* ARE WE?

Eric: I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Sam: *gasps* SHE SAYS THE LAMP HAS A NAME!

Eric: WHAT? HOW COULD SHE KNOW OUR LAMP'S NAME?

Sam: APPARENTLY IT'S...BILL.

Bill: oh my god. could it be...could it be that they'll accept me—

Sam: *bursts out laughing* Silly person!

Eric: Lamp doesn't have a name.

Sam: And even if he did...

Eric: It wouldn't be something as awful as...

Samneric: *cringe* Bill.

Maurice: HOW RUDE.

Bill: Ah. You know what. Never mind.

Jack: Welp. You were close, Bill.

Sam: WHO'S BILL

Jack: ...maybe not that close, but close.

Bill: One day.

Maurice: MAURICE IS NEXTTTTTTTTTT

Roger: Don't you have teeth to fuck?

Maurice: LATER.

Roger: Oh. Okay.

Maurice: I LOVE MY RANDOM COMMENTS TOO. WAIT. THEY'RE RANDOM?

Roger: Sporadically handicapped, actually.

Maurice: OH WELL. WHATEVS. I THINK WE'D BE GOOD FRIENDS TOO!

Jack: Oh no, here it goes—

Maurice: OMG WE COULD DEFEND THE REALM OF WAL-MART TOGETHER IN ORDER TO SAVE MY LADY ROGER FROM BEING IMPREGNATED BY THE SIR JACK AND WE COULD CATCH BUTTERFLIES AND CAUSE PLAGUES AND PILLAGE TOWNS AND MAKE COOKIES AND SLAUGHTER THOUSANDS AND HAVE A LEMONADE STAND AND RAISE TAXES AND GO SWIMMING AND CAUSE MASS INFLATION—

Roger: Shh. Shh. Leave the mass destruction to me.

Maurice: LADY ROGER—

Roger: I AM NOT A LADY.

Maurice: *to BIll and Jack* I knew he was adventurous but I didn't think he'd name himself as a whore.

Jack: *face plants*

Bill: Well, he is Ralph's favorite, so it's no surprise...

Maurice: True. Sluttiness is infectious.

Roger: WHAT

Maurice: Nothing...MistressRoger.

Roger: ...Why aren't you calling me Lady?

Bill: Because you're not a lady.

Roger: SO WHY AM I A MISTRESS

Maurice: Because you're not a lady.

Roger: *rips out hair and screams into desk*

Maurice: I think this one's a shrew.

Bill: No use courting him.

Maurice: Nope.

Sam: Uh. Hey Jack.

Eric: Jack. Jack attack. Your question is back.

Sam: So here's a smack. *smacks Jack's head*

Jack: I hope this lifts my mood.

Maurice: *says as Bill plays lute in the background* SIR JACK, I HAVE COME TO INFORM THEE THAT I NO LONGER HAVE THE INTENTION OF COURTING AND WINNING THY LADY—ER, MISTRESS ROGER FROM THEE.

Jack: uh

Maurice: INSTEAD I AM NOW COURTING LADY RALPH'S FRONT TOOTH.

Sam: OOH, SHE'S A BABE.

Eric: REAL SHINY.

Sam: RALPH FLOSSES.

Maurice: *sighs* ALAS, I AM IN LOVE.

Jack: I'm going to answer my question now.

Simon: Please do.

Jack: THANKS FOR NOT SUPPORTING JALPH OR ROCK.

Roger: *still stuck on being a mistress* Wait—are you calling me a whore?

Jack: ...what.

Maurice: WELL. YOU'RE NO LADY. YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.

Roger: I AM NOT A WHORE.

Bill: Don't be ashamed, bruh.

Roger: I AM NOT A WHORE.

Piggy: *dying of laughter* *well not really dying bc already dead* *you get what I mean*

Jack: YOU CAN ARGUE OVER ROGER'S WHOREDOM LATER. NOW IT IS JACK TIME AND NOBODY INTERRUPTS JACK TIME EXCEPT JACK. *takes deep breath and looks at question* Ah ha! Another chorister, I can smell a good person when I see it.

Simon: ...smell a good person when you see it?

Bill: He's got mad skill.

Simon: Oh. I see.

Jack: *smirks* Yes, singing C Sharp is a gift.

Roger: *snorts* Yeah, a pretty lame gift...

Jack: I do so enjoy it.

Roger: So does Ralph.

Jack: SHUT UP. NO JALPH WHERE IT IS NOT SUPPORTED.

Roger: Sure.

Maurice: MISTRESS ROGER—

Roger: OH MY GOD.

Jack: SHUT UP SHUT UP. *Looks at question once more* BUT WAIT. YOU—YOU LIKE RALPH MORE. WHAT. WHY?

Bill: Uh. Well. For starters he's blonde.

Sam: And athletic.

Eric: And the star of our rugby team *according to 100reasonswhy's headcanon*

Maurice: AND HAS WONDERFUL TEETH.

Roger: And doesn't sing like a girl.

Piggy: AND IS GOOD AND KIND AND CARING.

Simon: And he is a great friend! :D

Jack: WHAT. HE KILLED YOU.

Maurice: Yes, but you killed Simon more.

Jack: THAT'S NOT FAIR.

Maurice: THAT IS HOW THIS GAME OF SCONES MUST BE.

Roger: Game of Scones?

Maurice: In the Realm of Wal-Mart, there is a battle for a basket of scones, a basket from the gods.

Simon: You mean the scones Ms. Anderson makes every Saturday?

Maurice: SHUSH. NO. I MEAN THE SCONES PROCURED FROM THE FINGERTIPS OF THE GODS. AND WE ALL BATTLE FOR THESE SCONES.

Roger: Please. Stop. Stop before someone sues you.

Maurice: MISTRESS ROGER, PLEASE. LEAVE THE BAKING FOR THE MEN.

Roger: *tries to contain murder*

Piggy: Can we move on?

Bill: Next question is Boulder.

Roger: Ooooooooh. Awk.

Maurice: GOOD THING HE FAXED ME HIS REPLY.

Roger: ...what.

Maurice: *clears throat to read letter* EH HEM. DEAR PEOPLE, THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME CHILL AND ROGER LIKE EVEN THOUGH ROGER IS A DOUCHE AND WE SHOULD BOYCOTT HIS FANDOM.

Roger: HEY.

Maurice: I MYSELF HAVE TRIED TO MODEL MYSELF AFTER THE LAMP (BILL) AS I THINK THAT HE IS THE ROCKIEST DUDE IVE EVER MET.

Bill: Heh. Cool.

Maurice: I NOW END THIS LETTER WITH A CURSE TO ROGER WHO NEEDS TO DIE AND A KISS FOR MY NEW BELOVED, SAM.

Sam: *blushing* Uh, what?

Maurice: WITH LOVE, BOULDER. XOXO.

Jack: oooooooookkkkay. Now that that's out of the way, let's move on. Roger, you're up.

Roger: *leans back in chair* Finally. Another fangirl.

Piggy: Barely.

Roger: She called me sexy. That's something.

Maurice: It's because you're a whore and everybody wants a piece of ya.

Jack: ...CREEPY MUCH?

Roger: IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A MASOCHIST AND I'M AND SADIST AND WE TEND TO GET ALONG.

Piggy: Have you ever contemplated getting a psychiatrist?

Roger: Been there, done that. Did no good.

Jack: *heavy sigh* Apparently your lack of sanity is rather attractive.

Maurice: THY INSANITY BEQUEATHS A TREMULOUS CRY FROM ALL WHO LAY BURNING GAZE UPON IT.

Bill: Yo, Whore Roger, you got a question.

Roger: I'm not a—

Ralph: *bursts through door* HA HA! NOW WHO'S THE SLUT OF THE GROUP?

Maurice: AHH MY LOVE...or at least her owner...AHHH *faints*

Ralph: *struts in* HOW DOES IT FEEL, MISTRESS ROGER?

Roger: I really don't give a fuck—

Ralph: NOW YOU SHALL BE TAUNTED AS I WAS, MADE TO FEEL LIKE THE DIRT OF THE BROTHEL. YOU SHALL BE CALLED DISEASED AND FILTH-RIDDEN, LOOSE AND SKANKY, AND BE ASKED TO PROM BY DESPERATE PEOPLE HOPING TO SCORE AND LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

Jack: Uh...what was that about prom?

Bill: Is that why you went solo this year? Were you feeling used up?

Ralph: THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

Roger: Okay. Number 1) There's no such thing as dirt of the brothel because all people who work at them are equally as slutty. Number 2) I am mentally diseased and spiritually filth ridden already. Number 3) Nobody would ask me to prom anyway because I'm scary. Number 4) I have no idea what I'm doing. Your points are invalid. Can we move on?

Ralph: BUT-BUT—

Bill: She wants to know who you would choose to be with out of us.

Roger: Already answered this and I chose Jack.

Maurice: Pfft. He deserves you, Mistress Roger. You nasty.

Jack: Maurice—

Maurice: I just want Ralph's tooth. I shall conquer lands for his tooth.

Ralph: Uh.

Simon: Ralph! You're just in time! You're up next!

Ralph: O-okay. *sits down* Uh.

Maurice: *faints again* MY LOVE.

Percival: *slithers out from under Maurice* HE'S MINE. STAY AWAY, BITCH.

Roger: Why the FUCK is that kid still here?

Percival: Because you're a fucking slut, that's why. *slithers away while hissing*

Roger: ...I don't even care. I do not even care.

Maurice: Those are the words of a whore once a lady.

Sam: Tragic.

Bill: RALPH! NO LONGER SLUT, BRUH BRUH. SHE THINKS YOU'RE STILL SEXY.

Sam: And not ginger!

Eric: HOW EXCITING!

Jack: HEY. WHAT THE HELL.

Ralph: Well, I do have dashing blonde hair, don't I?

Sam: IT'S TRULY BEAUTIFUL.

Maurice: STUNNING REALLY, NOT-SLUT-RALPH.

Bill: YEAH. YOU'RE NOT A SLUT ANYMORE SO NOW SIMON ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO BELIEVES IN YOUR DIGNITY.

Ralph: *flips hair* Well, I knew it was only a matter of time—

Maurice: *gasps*

Jack: *pouting* What?

Maurice: SHE SAYS THE ONLY PERSON SHE COULD SEE RALPH WITH IS ROGER.

Roger: Ugh. No. No that's not how it's supposed to be.

Maurice: RALPH CAN'T BE WITH MISTRESS ROGER. HE MIGHT CATCH SOMETHING.

Ralph: Oh no, we wouldn't want that, right Roger?

Piggy: Or should we say, Slut?

Roger: I am a SADIST. Not a SLUT.

Bill: Spears aren't the only things he sharpens.

Maurice: OR PENETRATES.

Jack: Don't say that again, Maurice.

Roger: Maurice, so help me, I will MURDER you—

Ralph: Uh. I still have a question.

Jack: Well EXCUSE me.

Ralph: She uh. She wants to know who would be on top in...uh...Rolph.

Roger: Farewell. I'm leaving. *leaves*

Maurice: Phew. Now we can talk about him freely!

Jack: Roger just doesn't care like he used to.

Everyone: Roger cared?

Ralph: I uh. I guess. I think I'd be on top.

Jack: HAHAHHHAHAHHAHHAA no. No way. Roger would dominate you like the little bitch you are.

Maurice: But Roger's a slut.

Jack: No. Guys. That's Ralph.

Bill: No. Roger said that he himself is not a lady, which makes him...you know.

Jack: ROGER ON TOP.

Maurice: RALPH.

Jack: ROGER.

Maurice: RALPH.

Jack: ROGER.

Bill: WE COULD PUT THEM TOGETHER AND FIND OUT?!

Room: *silence*

Ralph: what the FUCK Bill.

Jack: I think it's an excellent idea. Ralph would die.

Maurice: A DUEL! A JOUST! EXCEPT INSTEAD OF SWORDS THEY WOULD USE THEIR—

Piggy: OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH GAME OF SCONES, MAURICE.

Maurice: There's never enough Game of Scones.

Simon: Uh. I think that's it.

Ralph: I think I'm enlisting for therapy today.

Bill: That's too mainstream.

Piggy: Oh god.

A/N: Crumble to Infinity update in the next few days. If you haven't checked it out, please do so. It's rated M so you'll have to fix the filters.