Mrs. Robinson Strikes Again

All the room's lights went on so bright that the Ponds had to squint. The Praei began to shriek, covering their eyes. The Doctor ran over to his family and handed them all sunglasses, which they put on.

"All right, now is the time to run."

Grabbing his wife's hand and nodding at Rory, they ran from the room, following the Doctor back through the corridors, not sure where they were going but sure that there was a plan. Amy adjusted her sunglasses as they ran through the halls, now brightly illuminated.

"You gave me palm tree-shaped sunglasses?"

"Pond, now really isn't the time."

"I've got ones shaped like teddy bears?" Rory complained, "Really, Doctor?"

"Can we please focus here?" the Doctor asked, "The shapes of your sunglasses really isn't high on the list."

Rory looked over at River and scowled at the Doctor,

"Doctor, you're really pushing it."

"What?" River asked, and pulled her sunglasses off a little so she could see the shapes of the frames. "Oh I'm going to kill you."

"Later, honey," the Doctor said distractedly, "We're in a bit of a rush right now."

"Doctor," Amy called, "You've got a plan, right?"

"Of course I have a plan!" the Doctor objected. "I've always got a plan!"

"You have not always got a plan," Amy argued, and the Doctor shot her a cross look.

"Well this time I do."

"Where are we going?" Rory called.

"The Tardis," the Doctor shouted. "It's parked in the lab."

"The lab?" Amy asked.

"You wouldn't need to ask all these questions if you'd just stayed put."

"And you'd probably be dead by now," River growled, "So shut it."

"I'd be fine," the Doctor insisted. "I've got all of this planned out and under control."

"Which is why we're running for our lives," River deadpanned.

"You know, I didn't ask you to come."

"No, you didn't give me a choice in the matter."

"For good reason!"

"Hate to be the voice of reason here," Rory interjected, "But can we focus?"

"Thank you, Rory!" the Doctor agreed, glaring at his wife, whom glared back. Rory didn't mention that he'd been referring to the Doctor when he'd made the comment, figuring that the information wouldn't help the conversation. They had to prioritize.

Dashing into the lab, the Doctor rounded the corner, running for the Tardis. He had a hand on it when simultaneous mechanical whines began. River's grip tightened on his hand as she recognized the powering-up sound of a plasma blaster. The Doctor shoved her behind him and handed her the key to the Tardis.

"Get inside."

"Doctor—"

"Rassilon, River, just get into the Tardis. We can argue in there."

She obeyed, ushering Amy and Rory into the blue box before turning to walk into it herself. There was a pale, white form standing beside her, grinning widely, rushing towards the open door. River tossed the key into the Tardis and pulled the door shut, calling,

"Lock it, my lovely!"

The Tardis door clicked and River pressed her back against one door, pulling the Doctor next to her.

"We're inside her shields," she muttered.

"Why didn't you go inside?"

There's one right next to us. He was trying to get in. I couldn't let him get into the Tardis.

"You're the most frustrating woman I know," the Doctor growled.

"You think it's unbearably sexy."

"Well, a bit," the Doctor purred, running his hand over the warm curve of her hip.

(Inside the Tardis, Rory bellowed,

"We can see you!")

River patted her husband's shoulder.

"I can almost guarantee that we're making Daddy cross."

The Doctor withdrew his hand and turned to the roomful of Praei, all in white hazmat-style suits with tinted goggles.

"Well that explains why they weren't bothered by the light."

"You've got a plan, haven't you?"

"Well, I didn't really think that this would happen."

"So…no then."

"Not exactly…I'm working on it."

"I assumed as much. Well I'm not going to be much help with firepower; they made me drop all my weapons earlier."

"How come I can't get you to do that?"

"You weren't threatening my mother."

"I have sex with you!"

"Well I don't wear them then, do I?"

"Not most of the time."

"You like it."

"More than is probably good for me," he agreed.

(Still inside the Tardis, Rory bellowed,

"We call still hear you in here!")

"You realize that my father is going to strangle you once this is over, right?"

"Yeah, but it was kind of worth it."

"I love it when you get all reckless."

("Really?" Rory bellowed from within the blue box. "Are the two of you kidding me?"

Amy patted his shoulder.

"She's my daughter, Rory." He scowled and muttered something threatening about the Time Lord who 'corrupted his baby girl'. Amy responded to this with a snort, knowing full well that it had happened exactly the opposite of the way that Rory claimed.)

"The Time Lord and his mate will be silent," one of the Krillitanes intoned.

"Oy!" River protested, "I've got a name!"

"Priorities, love."

"Right, sorry."

"Silence!" the Krillitane thundered.

Both of them fell silent, looking expectantly at the group. The Krillitane whom had shouted at them pointed at River.

"Bring me the female."

The Doctor stepped forward an inch and slid River's body behind him.

"I don't think so."

"I ordered you to be silent!" the Krillitane thundered again.

"He's rubbish at taking orders," River piped up from behind her husband.

"She's right," he agreed. "I really am. I don't even follow the instructions for that tasteful Swedish furniture from the blue-and-yellow store."

"Ikea, sweetie. And you don't read the instructions."

"Well there you have it."

"Would the two of you shut up?" Bellowed the Krillitane.

"Sister Jarraa, is that you?" the Doctor asked brightly, "I'd recognize your dulcet tones anywhere."

"Yes, Time Lord, you are correct. Now give us your mate."

"I really don't have any incentive here. I mean, you can't shoot us because of the Tardis shields, you can't get into the Tardis, and you're not getting through me…so really I can't think of a single reason to listen to you."

"We can kill your child."

"Not likely."

"Time Lord children maintain a telepathic connection with their mothers. If we project a completely harmless telepathic distortion field towards you, it will cut off your child's connection to its mother. It will be born insane and die as its brain slowly disintegrates."

"They're bluffing," muttered the Doctor, "There's no such thing as a telepathic distortion field."

But River was no longer behind him.

"Funny, Doctor, how you never noticed that the perception filter had no effect on us. You just assumed that you'd made an error. Which you did, but not the one you thought. Before we were locked here, we absorbed the Shy, a race which has a built-in perception filter. And you never noticed the one we used to cloak the Brother that we had following you."

The Doctor blinked and suddenly River was before him, clutched tightly to a Praei with dark goggles on. She struggled, kicked and writhed in his grip, but the Krillitane would not be bent or pried or broken. The Doctor lurched forward, but she hissed at him in Gallifreyan,

"Stay back!"

"Amy and Rory are in the Tardis," the Doctor told the Krillitane.

"An unfortunate mishap, but we will not require them. We only require the child."

River was lifted and bodily forced down onto a shining table, pristine and medical. Her arms were strapped down with careful precision and her mouth was no longer covered so she shouted obscenities. The Doctor watched, trying to work out what to do, trying to focus, trying to keep calm. They were pulling up her shirt, pulling her trousers down, leaving her belly uncovered. She struggled, screaming and swearing, tears beginning to run down her cheeks.

"Sweetie, don't you leave that shield," River shouted, in between curses. "They'll shoot you too!"

"I'm rubbish at taking orders," he called back in Gallifreyan and her face paled as he dashed from behind the shield and was immediately caught between two of the Krillitanes. He struggled, but their grips were like iron. Sister Jarraa was clearly in charge and the Doctor wondered how it was that she had escorted him to his cell as well...maybe she was a favorite? One of the Krillitanes selected a scalpel from the tray of medical tools.

After examining the scalpel, he carefully set it against River's skin, slitting her open, starting at the solar plexus. She screamed, arching her back, pulling at the restraints, trying to fight. He could feel her inside his head, feel the pain, feel her fear, like bitter poison on his tongue. It was killing him; he felt like throwing up as they cut through her soft skin, as blood began to pool in the wound before trickling eagerly down her sides. The scalpel moved slowly; it wasn't even at her navel yet. Keeping his voice calm and a little sarcastic, he called,

"So…Jarraa. Chancellor's favorite, are you? I mean first you get to capture me and put me in a cell, which you failed to keep me in, may I add. And now you're in charge of this project? I don't know about you, but that seems a little bit unfair to me."

River struggled on the table but as the Krillitane with the scalpel turned to listen to the Doctor, she kept very very still. He had a plan, that brilliant man. She could hardly think through the agony. She knew she was bleeding.

The baby, please, the baby, she thought through the white-hot pain.

"I mean I'm not saying that giving you all the honorable jobs and letting all the others do the actual work is your choice, I'm sure you're very gracious about it. I'm sure you let others share in the glorious positions, am I right?"

He looked at either of his captors, both of whom had slightly relaxed their grip on him. One of the Krillitanes was muttering and Jarraa looked around,

"Why are you all just standing there? Proceed with extracting the child!"

"Well clearly you weren't selected for your leadership capabilities," the Doctor remarked. "Quite a temper you've got there, Jarraa. Bet you hold it well though, right? Never take out your frustration on your colleagues?"

There was another pause and a few of the Krillitanes had started muttering.

"Quiet!" Jarraa hissed, "Get on with your duty, fools!"

"Insulting too," the Doctor remarked and Jarraa rounded on his captors,

"Shut him up."

"Well why should they?" the Doctor asked. "Why can't one of them be in charge? I mean, they grabbed me pretty efficiently. No unnecessary jib-jab, they're doing their jobs well enough. How come one of them isn't in charge? And you over there, with the scalpel, yes you. How come he (or she, beg your pardon if you're female) can't lead around here. I mean, if he (or she, sorry) is qualified enough to do the fetal extraction, why isn't he (or she…again, really sorry if you're female) in charge of the science team? Clearly the most qualified individual in the room, am I right?"

"Shut him up now, Ruudef, Ottaal."

"He's got a point though," the Krillitane with the scalpel pointed out. "You're only really in charge because you're the Grand Chancellor's offspring, aren't you? You're not more qualified than us. Actually, Ottaal did better than you on the final tests. Beat you by a half hour and eight points."

"Nine actually," Ruufer or Ottaal corrected. (The Doctor wasn't sure which.)

"See? And let's be honest, there's really no reason that you should be running the science lab. You were absolutely awful at science."

"Silence Looru," Jarraa snarled, but the Krillitane with the scalpel (whom the Doctor assumed was Looru) shook his (or her) head. "I'm not saying you're not qualified for any joy, I'm just saying that there's no reason for you to be head of the guard and supervising the lab work."

"He's trying to distract you!" Jarraa hissed, "Fools, do your jobs! I am in charge here!"

"Ruudef and Ottaal have got him," Looru said calmly. "But if we're about to go out and conquer all of time and space, you're hardly going to step down then. Better to sort it out now."

The Krillitanes around them began to mutter and nod. The Doctor reached into his pocket and fiddled with the settings of his sonic screwdriver as the Krillitanes discussed who ought to be in charge of what.

"The Grand Chancellor will hear about this!"

"Come to think of it, who elected the Chancellor into power?" One of the Krillitane asked and the others paused, realizing that no one had.

"So…we've been living in a dictatorship?" Ottaal (or Ruufer) asked. "I still want to rise to elite status and get our freedom back, but what's the Chancellor gonna have us do next?" There were murmurs of assent and River had to clench her teeth to prevent herself from screaming with pain.

Hold on, my love, he whispered, brushing the whisper into her mind. Her agony still burnt inside of him, still hurt him, but he had to be strong just then. He had to make everything better. Fiddling with his sonic, he pressed it, releasing River's bonds.

Stay put, River.

He fiddled with the screwdriver again and as one of the Krillitanes paused to ask,

"What's that sound?" he pressed the button again and all the lights went out.

Wrenching his arms free, he pressed the tip of his screwdriver to his sunglasses and put them back on, changing them to night-vision. Weaving through the Praei, he ran to River and picked her up, bridal-style, and made for the Tardis. He clicked his fingers and the doors opened, allowing him to dash inside. He shut the doors behind him and locked them before setting River down on the floor. She was pale now, biting her lip, her face tight with pain. He smoothed her hair back, his hand brushing where her sunglasses were perched on her hair.

"Rory, sickbay, little gold jar. Hurry."

Rory ran and the Doctor grabbed his wife's hand.

"Don't you worry, River Song. Everything's going to be okay."

The slit ran from her solar plexus to just above her navel, and it was deep. He knew that if he cared to stick his fingers into the wound, he could touch at least one of her vital organs. Where was Rory?

"What's 'Mrs. Robinson'?" Amy asked.

"Computer virus to override the Praei systems; where is Rory?" He practically shouted.

River's father ran back into the console room and handed the jar to the Doctor.

"What's in there?"

"Not now, Rory!"
He opened the jar and ran a hand over her hair again.

"This is going to hurt, love. Just hold Rory's hand."

River grabbed the hem of his jacket and clutched at it, holding it in her fist.

"Ready?"

She nodded stiffly and he carefully smoothed ointment over the insides of the incision. She tightened up her entire body, clenching her eyes shut as tears leaked out. Her lower lip began to bleed as she bit it but she did not scream. Even as he pressed his hands over the cut, allowing it to stay shut, she did not cry out. After about two minutes, the skin was smooth and whole again. Panting, River swallowed and relaxed.

"Does it hurt anymore?"

She shook her head and he helped her to her feet; her clothes and his hands stained with her blood.

"We ought to go wash up."

He didn't see her hand until it hit his cheek with a sharp thwack, causing the sound to ring through the console room. He held his hand up to it, ears still ringing from the weight of her blow. His bloody fingers stained his face, but he was too busy staring at her in open-mouthed shock.

"That," she said, "Was for abandoning me on a planet and going off by yourself."

"I wanted to keep you and our baby safe."

She slapped him again and he staggered back with the shock of the second, even more unexpected blow.

"That," she told him, "Was for not asking me before you abandoned me on an uninhabited planet."

He put his bloody hand back on his cheek and she wiped the blood on her hand on her trousers, already bloody and rumpled, before smacking him a third and final time.

"And that was for naming the virus Mrs. Robinson."

Grabbing his shirt-front, she pulled him to her, giving him a slow, deep kiss.

"Thank you for rescuing me. I love you."

"You're mad, you know that?" he asked her hoarsely, still holding his cheek.

She smirked.

"I love you too, River." After a moment, he looked around. "Excellent, we've got exactly nine-and-a-half minutes to save the babies and get off this planet."

"Oh good," River grinned as she slid her sunglasses over her eyes. Each lens was surrounded by a plastic frame that looked like a leg, sexily extended and covered in fishnet stockings, reminiscent of the cover of 'The Graduate.'

"I love a ticking clock."

After much procrastination, it's DONE! Now…to work out how to save the universe in nine-and-a-half minutes….I need another ice cream. Also, those of you who don't know, Mrs. Robinson refers to the movie 'The Graduate' when an older woman seduces the younger man. You see the parallels?