27
Can't Lose, What You Don't Have
Buffy pulled the blanket further over her knees and curled up into the crevice of the couch, with her head rested on a pillow. The room was dark except for the glow of hundreds of twinkling white lights coming from the Christmas tree.
Even after dragging herself down the stairs (if only for Dawn's benefit), she couldn't help but feel uplifted by the sight of the Christmas tree. She watched her friends stand around the tree—decorations hanging from their hands as they searched for an open space. Each of them had a smile on their face as they burst into spontaneous Christmas carols, which were sung loudly, and somewhat off key.
Spike—for reasons Buffy could only conclude had something to do with her—had stayed away from the festivities. When she'd come downstairs she had heard Willow tell Dawn that Spike had gone out for a walk.
Still, Buffy felt somewhat peaceful. She watched her friends through heavy lidded eyes, as she balanced her mug of hot chocolate on her knee.
"Hey, stop bogarting the tree, Will!" Xander exclaimed, as he tried to squeeze himself closer to the tree.
Willow laughed as she elbowed him back as they wrestled for the same spot. "I have Santa! We all know Santa should be above the reindeer," she giggled.
"There are no rules when it comes to the decorating Christmas trees!!! It's every man for himself."
"Or women," Willow added, with an indignant look on her face.
"Yeah. A JEWISH women," Xander said, stressing the word 'Jewish'. " You can't have Hanukkah and Christmas!"
"I don't want to be all left out!" Willow said.
"Then start playing nicely with the Christians," Xander said.
"That's not very P.C. of you," Willow pointed out, as she hung her decoration when Xander was distracted.
"Ah, go play with your dredel," Xander said under his breath.
"That is the last…." Willow began, muttering under her breath.
"Would the two of you cut it out?" Dawn asked, though she smiled as she said it, secretly loving the mock fight going on between them.
Xander reached out to hang the decoration, but drew his hand back almost immediately. " Ah Will…."
"Yes?" Willow said lightly, as she bent to pick up another decoration.
"Would you mind telling me what's going on here?" Xander asked, as he held out his hand.
Dawn paused in her decorating to look over. " It appears to be a decoration in your hand," Willow answered easily.
"No. No. " Xander said. " No. It's not in my hand. It's ATTACHED to my hand!" And he demonstrated this, by shaking his hand vigorously as the decoration bobbed up and down on his hand.
Dawn covered her mouth as a laugh escaped. Willow beamed. " Well, next time you won't make fun of my religion."
"I am very, very sorry," Xander said, " Now get it off."
Willow shrugged as she waved her hand over Xander's. There was a ripping sound and a grunt of pain as the decoration fell to the floor. Even Willow winced. " Oops, sorry."
"Damn it. That's my tree decorating hand, Will!" Xander said, as he hugged his hand to his chest. "You put it on there magically, why not remove it magically?"
"Because it doesn't give me that deep seated gratification feeling I love….that, and the ripping sound was kinda nifty," Willow added, a guilty smile on her face.
Xander muttered something under his breath, and then quickly headed to the kitchen before something else magically appeared glued to his body.
Buffy stared at the lights on the tree, until they started to blur and streak her sight with colors of white and gold. She used to stare at the past Christmas trees the same way, allowing her eyes to become lazy, creating a beautiful blur of colors.
"What do you think?" Dawn asked her sister. She peeked up at Buffy, worried that her sister hadn't enjoyed their time together as much as she had.
Buffy gave her sister's shoulder a squeeze and smiled. " I had a great time, Dawnie."
Later that night, after everyone went to bed, Buffy lay on the couch in the living room. She was curled up on the sofa with her favorite blanket pulled up to her chin as she stared at the Christmas tree. After a late dinner, Buffy had fallen asleep on the sofa. She didn't remember being, or feeling tired…and yet, it was as though sleep had claimed her without her permission. Dawn had shaken her awake an hour later, so that they could play the traditional game of charades.
Dawn couldn't believe the change in her sister. Buffy was just as goofy as the rest of them. She laughed loudly at Xander's wild interpretation and sometimes-crude mime of Gone with the Wind. It was like having the sister she did in Rome.
And after the night she had, Buffy lay there, feeling pleasantly blissful as she stared at the creation in front of her. She felt like there was warmth radiating out of her and she wanted to hold this moment tight and never let it go. The sound of the clock ticking by the minutes, made her start to lull off to sleep. And then she heard a noise outside the house.
Buffy sat upright, alert to her surroundings. She concentrated, as the sound seemed to move towards the front door. Buffy leant over and reached under the couch, never taking her eyes from the door. Her fingers traced the soft fabric of the carpet, until her fingers brushed something hard. Wrapping her fingers around it, she pulled a stake up into her lap.
Slowly she swung her legs onto the ground, holding the stake to the side of her. Creeping, silently, she moved towards the door. She heard a deep voice outside, and a scratching sound on the door. Positioning herself between the hallway and the living room, she hid.
Finally the front door swung open, and without hesitation, Buffy threw herself at the figure. Both of them fell against the opposite wall. She held her forearm against their throat and positioned her stake over the heart.
"Bloody hell!" came a reply.
The light flooded in from the porch light, over the startled vampire's face.
"Mind letting me go luv, I'm already going to have a headache tomorrow," he groaned.
Buffy could smell the alcohol wafting off him in waves. She wrinkled her nose in disgust, but didn't let up her grip on him.
Spike reached out," What's with the stake? What if it was some Stepford town person coming to borrow a cup of sugar?" He joked, trying to push the stake away from its position over his dead heart.
Buffy remained still. Spike's brow furrowed in a mix of confusion and annoyance. In the small amount of light allotted, Spike realized something he didn't notice before. The petite vampire slayer showed absolutely no sign of recognition.
"Buffy, are you alright?"
"How do you know my name?" She asked, between clenched teeth. " How do you have a key to my house?"
"You ….er…gave it to me," he said, his eyes darting from the stake to her, to the stake, to her. " Would you mind moving that away?"
Buffy applied a little pressure to the stake, pushing its tip into the muscle beneath. Spike grunted in pain. "Go wake up Red or the nibblet or the poofter, and they will tell you. You must be under a spell or something?"
"Red, nibblet and poofter?" Buffy said, her voice oozing sarcasm. " Who are they? A demented version of the seven dwarfs for vampires.?"
"Go get Willow," Spike said, keeping his voice calm. He could most likely get away from her. But in the second it took him to make a move, that stake would be embedded in his heart. For now, she was interested in him coming into her house. She might have a spell on her, but she seemed to hesitate enough, that he might be able to talk her around. Now, if only I was good at the talking thing, he thought.
The mention of Willow's name caused a reaction. " How do you know Willow?"
"Buffy, someone has put a spell on you or something. I live here. Just go get Willow and she will tell you the truth."
" I think I know the truth when I see it," Buffy said.
Spike rolled his eyes. " Well, you'd think…"
Buffy tightened her grip once more, but then took a step back. " Fine, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and get Willow."
Spike rubbed his raw throat. " Great…."
"Good," Buffy added. "But first…" She pulled back her hand and punched him hard enough to knock him unconscious.
Moments later Willow, Dawn and Xander stumbled sleepily down the stairs. Buffy waited in the entranceway with her arms folded over her chest.
"What is going on?" Dawn yawned, her eyes barely open.
"Yeah, did Santa come already?" Xander muttered.
Willow entered the living room first, and stopped immediately. " What the hell?"
Xander and Dawn joined her in looking confused and shocked. "Is this like some new Christmas game?" Xander asked, unable to take his eyes off the unconscious form of Spike tied to a chair in the middle of the living room.
Xander began to walk slowly around the chair, his finger pressed against his mouth, looking deep in thought. " It's a little crude, a tad confusing….but it has potential."
Dawn walked up to Spike, placed her fingers along his jaw line and gently turned his head to the side. Blood had already dried on the side of his head from the long cut along his temple. She turned to Buffy, her eyes narrowed in accusation. " Did you beat him up?"
Buffy straightened. She looked between her sister and Spike. " Do you know him? He is a vampire Dawn."
"Yes," Dawn began slowly. Now it was her turn to look confused. " Has been for over a hundred years now. What is going on?"
"I know you're upset Buffy, but beating the guy into unconsciousness is a little much," Willow added.
"And not nearly as funny as I thought it would be," Xander answered.
"I don't understand you guys! He is a vampire and you are acting like we're friends or something."
"That's too far," Xander said.
"Well how do you expect me to react?" Buffy said, the anger growing.
"No, I meant the friends part," Xander corrected.
Dawn nudged Xander with her elbow. "It's Spike. The same Spike that has lived here for a couple of weeks. The same Spike that was with us in Sunnydale….what are you doing?"
" I think you are the ones that are doing something," Buffy said lamely. " He got into our house! In the middle of the night."
"With his key!" Dawn retorted. " He lives here!"
Everyone went quiet as they heard a whisper in the center of the room. Spike's head jerked up, pain etched on his face.
Dawn returned to his side. "Spike? Are you ok?"
"Dawn, get away from him," Buffy shouted, as she pulled Dawn away.
Dawn shook her off. " What is your deal?"
"She's…..u…under a spell," Spike muttered, between swollen lips.
Everyone turned to look at Buffy, as if they might be able to see the spell on her somehow. Buffy put her hands on her hips and attempted to look as confident as possible. But it was started to disappear quickly. She looked between her friends and Spike. If they all seemed to know who he was, and he knew who she was…it was a sure bet, that she was the one under a spell after all.
The vampire in question could probably have attacked her if he wanted too. " A spell? But how? You guys were with me all night."
Dawn looked at Willow. Willow frowned. " Hey! It's not always me you know. If I remember right you cast a spell gone wrong a couple of times yourself their miss."
Xander chuckled.
Dawn looked at Xander, " So have you!"
"Hey!" Xander exclaimed. " Once! Or….well, twice. And no one here is homicidally attracted to me or serenading me, so it's safe to say, it ain't me!"
"Do you remember anything?" Dawn said. " I mean you remember us. And Rome….and Sunnydale right?"
Now Buffy looked frustrated. " Yes, Dawn, I remember all that. I just don't know who this is."
"Have you gone to see anyone lately?' Willow asked.
"Or made a wish?" Xander said.
"Vengeance demon?" Dawn suggested.
"No, no." Buffy said, shaking her head. " I…. it's a little blurry. "
"Where were you today?" Willow asked. " Or earlier this morning when you left the house?"
"Ummmm…I remember walking. I…I went to see Lorelai and slept there."
"Anywhere in between?" Willow asked.
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to retrace her steps. Then her eyes snapped open. " Ashley," she said suddenly. " I went to see Ashley."
Willow frowned, clearly upset about hearing the name. " What did you guys talk about?"
Buffy shook her head. " I don't remember."
" Well, I guess we need to call Ashley," Willow said.
"I'm making coffee," Xander said, heading towards the kitchen. " Looks like another long night."
Less than an hour later, there was a knock on the door. Willow was relieved for the interruption, which gave her some time away from the tension in the room. Spike, now untied, was sitting the armchair still angry from the beating. Dawn held a bag of frozen peas to the bump on his head, even though he protested.
Buffy sat curled in the armchair, with a fleece blanket pulled over her lap. She was beginning to look a little mollified in having beat up a potential friend. Every once in awhile, she would glance over at him, as if each time she saw his face would bring some semblance of a memory back to her.
Willow pulled her robe tighter around herself, as she pulled open the front door. Ashley stood on the porch, her face looking flushed from the cold. She was breathtaking. Willow took a quick intake of breath, despite the fact she tried to remain cool. Would she always have this reaction around Ashley, despite everything?
Ashley's face broke into a nervous smile. "Willow. Hey, I'm so glad that you called."
Willow's brow furrowed. " I really wanted to talk to you about everything," Ashley continued.
Willow shook her head, and Ashley's sentence faded to a stop. " I…I didn't call you here to talk about us Ashley. I am not ready to talk about that now. I called you here because of Buffy."
Ashley's smile faltered. " Buffy?"
Willow rolled her eyes. " She's been affected by magic, Ashley. And yes, I know there is a big bad out there, but Buffy had an upsetting night and remembers going to your place during that time. Now, why would she go to a witch she barely knows when she's in turmoil, considering she has a witch right here….unless, of course, it's something she wants to keep hidden."
"I guess you got me," Ashley said, smiling coyly. " Can I come in? Or would you rather I become a frozen fixture on your porch?"
Willow stood back to allow her entry, and gestured for her to step inside the room. Ashley stepped inside, bringing with her the sweet smell of her sweet perfume. Willow shut the door behind her and followed her into the living room.
"Hey everyone," Ashley said cheerfully as she slipped out of her coat.
"Hey Ash," Dawn said, trying to sound just as cheerful. Only the presence of Ashley back in their living room just brought back the fact that they had all been kept in the dark for so long. Especially from Giles, who was supposed to be their go to guy. And he was supposed to be keeping them safe, not Brooke and Ashley.
Ashley took a seat next to Buffy. " Hey Buffy," Ashley said.
"What did you do to me?" Buffy asked.
" Nothing you didn't ask for chicky," Ashley said.
"She doesn't remember Spike," Dawn said.
Ashley looked a little sheepish. " Doesn't remember him at all?"
"Not a lick. And I have the bruises to prove it," Spike said.
"Oh…" Ashley trailed off, glancing down at her hands. " It was just supposed to be a masking spell. It was a little more proof than that, I guess."
"You guess?!?!?!? You just erased a person from her memory!" Willow said, raising her voice to an almost uncomfortable level.
Ashley winced, but threw her hands up in the air in defeat. " My emotions were all out of wack Will! I probably shouldn't have, but…"
"But what?" Buffy asked quietly.
"But you were in so much pain Buffy. You begged me, and I knew I probably shouldn't have done it with the way I was feeling. And my emotions mixed with it and it went too far. I'm sorry."
"What was the masking spell?" Dawn asked.
"Used to mask the pain associated with someone, make it bearable to function I guess. Buffy has an important job to do. She can't be nursing a heartache with what's coming."
"Her emotions have always been assets," Willow said. " Buffy has admitted this in the past."
"Probably still are," Ashley answered. " But….not that much pain. That much pain clouds the mind Willow. Surely you know that feeling?"
Willow felt her blood boil in her veins. Using her past pain back on herself was a low blow, no matter how true the sentiment was.
Ashley looked away quickly and turned back to Buffy. " I am really sorry for this Buffy. I will reverse it. I just need to get a couple of things and you should be back to normal in no time."
Buffy nodded. Her mind seemed to be somewhere completely elsewhere as she slowly got to her feet. Ashley followed suite and followed Buffy to the door. " I guess we are doing this now," Ashley said lightly as she reached for her coat.
"No time like the present," Willow said. She was leaning against the doorway, and said it over her shoulder to Ashley as she past by.
Ashley stopped in her tracks, and said quietly so that only Willow could hear. " One of these days, I will get to explain it to you. We tend to think we're ready for anything that comes." At this point Willow turned her head so that their faces were inches apart. Their eyes were staring into one another's. Ashley leaned a little closer, as though she were about to kiss her. " Believe me when I tell you Willow, this—you are not ready to hear."
Willow opened her mouth to respond, but the seriousness and weight behind Ashley's words seemed to still any words.
Ashley was gone before Willow could even try.
Buffy and Ashley didn't speak the entire way to her house. Ashley kept glancing over at her, but clearly Buffy's mind was elsewhere and so she remained quiet the entire way to her house. Once inside Ashley's apartment, Buffy began to pace around the room.
" So when did this happen?" Ashley asked. " I cast the spell over 24 hours ago and you guys are just calling me now?"
"I was fine tonight," Buffy said. " I mean I was having fun with my family and everything. And then I sorta fell asleep and when I woke up…I guess I didn't remember."
"Hmmmm….well, maybe the overdose took affect late, I can't be sure." Ashley said, hanging her coat on the hook. " Ok, let me just get some ingredients and we can start."
Ashley reached for a small wooden box on the dining room table, but Buffy walked up behind her and placed her hand over Ashley's. Ashley looked up in surprise. " Buffy?"
"Was I really in pain?" Buffy asked hesitantly.
Ashley hesitated. " From what you said, and the way you looked when you turned up here that night—yeah. A lot. You were confused, and exhausted and frustrated. I'm really sorry it worked out this way Buffy, but I felt for you. And to be honest, I was wishing I could forget my feelings for a certain redhead "
" I understand, or at least I'm sure I did," Buffy said. " If it's compared to anything I've felt in the past—then I don't want it back."
"What?" Ashley said.
"I don't want the memory of him back," Buffy said, her voice growing in confidence.
"Buffy, that's easy to say right now. I mean, there is no risk losing the memory of someone you don't know. But you did know him at one point. You did love him and he meant a lot. Losing that…."
"If he's an asset to the team, then I will get to know him all over again," Buffy said. " But this, I don't need unrequited love crap."
"So you are asking me to do nothing," Ashley said.
"Yes," Buffy said, slipping back into her jacket. " But my friends don't find out."
"Buffy, they are going to suspect something if you start blanking out on stuff. Why don't I reverse it and just try masking again."
"No, there's a chance it won't work," Buffy said. " Just leave it. As for my friends, I will tell them I just don't want to talk about it."
"Maybe you should talk to your friends," Ashley suggested.
"Ashley, please," Buffy said. " I have enough stuff to deal with."
"You can't cut a person out of your life," Ashley insisted.
"From the sounds of it, he cut me out of his," Buffy said. " This is what I want."
"This spell, this thing that happened to you," Ashley said. " Well, I don't know if it's permanent. It might not last."
Buffy paused. " I'll worry about that when it happens."
