(Author's note: Yes, Hunter was on Glee in season 4. If you blinked, you probably missed him. Nolan Gerard Funk grew up very pretty, but at this point in Glee history, he was a skinny sophomore in high school. Warnings for complicated guilt and references to the consequences of aversion therapy. Keep in mind all of this is made up. I'm not a therapist, and even if I were, this is supposed to be bad therapy. -amy)
Puck was relieved when Sunday morning turned out to be another active one. Most of the boys seemed willing to sit and talk to one another all day, but Puck needed a certain amount of movement or else he felt like he would go crazy. And running around and tossing a ball back and forth counteracted some of the desperate guilt he already felt about being there in the first place.
But at lunch, sitting across from Hunter, they mostly stared over each other's shoulders, taking quick glances up every few seconds. Eventually, Puck cleared his throat.
"I, uh. I got up early and went back to bed."
Hunter nodded, his face neutral. "Figured."
"You know I don't think we did anything wrong?"
He shrugged and stared at his plate. "You can't judge me. God's the judge of the character of a man. I'm going to have to make it right with him."
"Well…" Puck cast around for something, anything. "We've still got a few hours left. You want to go for a walk up to the ridge?"
That got him a smile and a nod. "I'll tell Cy we'll be back before the closing circle. You won't want to miss this one."
The sky was ridiculously clear. Puck wished he had his phone so he could take some pictures. Kurt would love this, he thought, and then his heart stuttered a bit as he realized Kurt might not be so keen on looking at anything he had to show him anymore. He'd promised — he'd promised Kurt — he wouldn't leave again, and he did.
Maybe Burt won't want me in the house anymore, either, he thought unhappily. Maybe I should plan to move in with my dad.
Hunter was hiking up the trail just ahead of him, taking big strides. He didn't even seem winded.
"You're in pretty good shape for a singer," said Puck.
"Military academy gives me lots of chances to get strong," Hunter called back. "We have hills like this in Colorado Springs, too."
"You sure you shouldn't be calling this a mountain?"
Hunter laughed. "Trust me, it doesn't count as one." He waited a few seconds for Puck to catch up. "What I can do doesn't count for much, either. At my school, it's all about how you look. I'm still the skinny sophomore."
"I think you look good."
Puck watched Hunter turn away quickly and stare straight ahead along the trail. He didn't bother to clarify. Anything else he could have said would just have done more damage.
"I wish it didn't matter," Hunter said.
"You can be a badass at any size."
"True," said Hunter, brightening. "Dr. Horrible is skinny too, and he's the most badass villain."
"Dr. who?"
"Not Doctor Who. Dr. Horrible."
Now Hunter was grinning again, and even if Puck didn't know why, he grinned back, because it was better than seeing that blank, grim expression on his face.
"My big brother's skinny," said Puck, "but he's a total badass. At least he always was to everybody except our dad."
Hunter paused, uncapping his water bottle. "Your dad's the one who brought you here."
Puck nodded while Hunter drank.
"He's a badass too?" asked Hunter.
The answer stuck in Puck's throat, but Hunter just waited patiently until he was able to respond.
"He was a jerk. When we were growing up. I mean, he did stuff to my brother, and me, and our Ma. Not my sister, though… I'm pretty sure, anyway."
Hunter didn't give him the usual pitying expression, which was a surprise, and he didn't ask any questions, either. He just nodded, like he understood. It was a relief not to have to explain or justify things for a change.
"Let's get to the top," said Hunter, grabbing his arm and tugging him along. "Cy won't let us do the last activity if we're not back on time."
The view from the summit was even more beautiful than it had been yesterday, with the sky so clear and the sun so bright. They just stood along the edge of the ridge and soaked it in.
"This is my favorite place," said Hunter. "I've been up here more times than I can count. Nobody ever wanted to come up here with me, though."
"Stupid them," said Puck.
Hunter shrugged. "I don't think I ever wanted anybody to."
It was an obvious cue to start making out, but Hunter didn't make a move toward him, and Puck wasn't about to do it for him. Instead he took a couple steps toward the edge of the path, looking down into the ravine with trepidation.
"There's so many things I have that I don't think I deserve," said Puck. "Some of them are way better than anybody should be able to expect, but I've got a bunch of people telling me I can have them anyway? And then there are… well, other people, who've been telling me I shouldn't have them. I'm not sure who to listen to."
"Yeah, you are," said Hunter. "You're sure."
Puck blinked his eyes against the wind, letting the tears be carried away. "Maybe. But I can't. I can't let go of them."
"Do you want to let go?"
He nodded, closing his eyes. "It's the scariest thing, but… I think it would be best. The best thing, for everybody."
"Cy can help," Hunter said softly. He took a step toward him, then another. "There's things he can do. It won't be fun."
"I can handle pain."
"Here's the thing, though: if you try it, it's going to work. You're going to have to be ready for that."
Hunter was beside him now. He put his hands on Puck's arms, stretching them out, like he was a kite about to be released. Puck kept his eyes closed, leaning into the wind.
"I can handle surrender," Puck said. "I just need somebody to… you know, give me a push."
He felt Hunter's hips touch his own from behind, and he shivered.
"You want me to give you a push?" whispered Hunter.
"Yeah," Puck whispered back, and squeezed his eyes tighter. He didn't brace himself for the fall; he just let himself go. "Please."
They got back to the campground in plenty of time for the closing activity, but Hunter didn't stop in the main room. He led Puck past the assembled boys and through the corridor until they reached the administrative offices.
They stood waiting in front of Cy's office long enough for Puck to start to wonder if he should back it up and think this through again. When Cy opened his door, still talking quietly on the phone, and beckoned them in, he considered bolting.
Then Cy hung up the receiver, and smiled at Puck, gesturing to the chair. Puck sat, trying not to look at Hunter.
"You're missing the closing circle, boys," Cy said. "What's on your mind?"
"Noah told me he's ready to take the next step," said Hunter.
Cy nodded slowly, regarding Puck across his desk. "And what do you think the next step is?"
"To let go of my boyfriend," said Puck. "To let him go, and move on."
"If you don't mind me asking, Noah, what was it that prompted this decision?"
Puck chewed on his lip, and then stopped as he imagined Lady Tess giving him a stern look. "It's my kid. Beth. There's a lot of things I've messed up in my life, and… I want to be a good papa for her. I want to make the right choices, so she doesn't —"
He paused. He wasn't sure how to say doesn't have to be as screwed up as I am. But Cy was already smiling.
"That's very brave of you."
Puck nodded, straightening his shoulders. "I told Hunter, I'm ready."
"All right." He reached across the desk and held out his hand. Puck shook it. "There will be some paperwork your father will need to sign when he arrives to pick you up. After the other boys head for home, I'll show you to your new quarters."
Cy shook Hunter's hand, too. The way they were all acting, Puck felt a little like he was joining a secret society.
He nudged Hunter as they returned to the hallway. "Do you get, like, bonus points for each dude who gives it up to you or something?"
"What, like a sticker chart?" asked Hunter, smirking.
Puck laughed. Then he stopped walking and touched Hunter's arm.
"Seriously. I don't know what you're getting out of this, but you've been really cool to me. Thanks."
Hunter's smile fell away, and he looked at the floor. "If I'm trying to save other guys' souls, well… I'm being kind of a hypocrite, aren't I? Considering — what happened last night."
"Well, I'll tell you what, I'd rather have a hypocrite friend than nobody. You'll get no judgment here."
That seemed to cheer Hunter up a little bit. The rest of the boys coming out of the closing circle, on the other hand, appeared to be even more scared and depressed than they had been when they'd arrived. Trevor and Daniel were crying and hugging one another.
"It's hard to leave and go back to the regular world," Hunter said to Puck. "Most of them are just going to fall into old habits when they go home. I've seen lots of guys come back to Adventure Camp twice, three times. It's not easy to change." He nodded at him. "That's why you're able to take the next step. Because you admitted you couldn't do it alone."
Puck still wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, but he nodded too. They sat down along the wall in the waiting area, watching as the other boys' parents arrived to pick them up.
Daniel shyly approached Puck, dragging his suitcase behind him.
"Here," he said, thrusting a piece of paper at him. "It's my email address. If you want to stay in touch." Then he hurried away before Puck could say anything. Puck folded it up and tucked it in his pocket.
"Don't look at me," said Puck at Hunter's expression. "I didn't suggest it. And if he's hoping for a hookup, Ohio to Oregon is a hell of a commute."
His dad came late, as usual, but he looked relieved to see Puck as he hugged him.
"How was it?" he asked.
"The mountains are awesome," Puck said. "I did a lot of thinking. Remember how you said there's, like, a level two? I think I unlocked that achievement."
"Mr. Lucis and I spoke already," his dad nodded, glancing over at Cy, who was talking to other parents. "He told me on the phone. You're sure?"
Puck didn't know what sure felt like, but he nodded. "Sorry to make you, I don't know, wait around for me?"
"Noah, no. It's fine. It's going to help you." His dad definitely looked happy. "This is what God wants for you."
He tried to smile back. "Well, I guess I'd better do it, then."
It wasn't until that night, lying on his new cot in his silent, solitary room, that he let himself think about Blaine and cry. Of all the things he wished he'd done differently, not saying goodbye to Blaine was number one.
Well I know it wasn't you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key
But me, I'm already gone
-The Eagles, "Already Gone"
