cassy359- Hi! Yes, my little brother has it. I've notice that too about people who have FA! They're very stubborn and try to be as independent as possible. And I hate when people say how they use it as an excuse for attention. My brother hasn't gotten that, thankfully but my friend's younger sister who has FA gets that sometimes too :p. But what you're doing is amazing and probably the best thing in the world for her. It is probably one of the most helpful things for her to have a best friend who is always there for her. Best wishes! :)
JealousMindsThinkAlike- I'm glad it's opened your eyes :) and thank you.
JacMaxKatniss- Can't say ;) but yeah, my brother has it.
Broken- Your story sounds inspiring! Way to go, picking up rowing again! It's incredible that you're fighting through the pain to do what you love! I don't know many other people who could do that. Good luck! :)
A few people have asked if I know anyone who has FA, and yes I do, my younger brother has it. My question for you is do you have FA or know anyone who has FA?
Four months later
Now
I still drove Gazzy to school. Fang still drove himself and Iggy drove with Ella. Things had finally heated up between the two of them. Iggy asked Ella out our last day of Junior year and they were officially a couple.
I was eighteen now. An adult, I could move out if I wanted to. But I didn't, I wouldn't be able to live by myself and I didn't want to face the music and apply for a caregiver. So for now I lived at home. I went to school, come home, go to school, come home. That's what my life was starting to turn in to. I know it's my fault too, my friends invite me out all the time, but every time I make up an excuse. I'm cutting myself away from them, not returning their phone calls and they're starting to stop calling.
I kept passing around the idea of dropping out of high school or switching to online school for the rest of my Senior year. But by doing that I'd have to tell my parents and in a way, admit there was a problem. There wasn't a problem, though. None at all, I was fine.
My heart was frequently beating too fast. "Too fast" was now my normal amount of beats. I stopped counting them, if anything happened, I'd just faint and that was a pretty big sign to rush me to the hospital.
I usually kept a bundle of Kleenex in my pocket, in case I started coughing blood. It was only a matter of time. I stopped going to the doctor. Well I refused, my parents still wanted me to go. I couldn't keep hearing the negative words, "bad, worse, not working, poor, awful, disappointment, bad news, dreadful, giving up, giving out, failing". So, I stopped going. I haven't gone in over three months, I knew things were bad, I didn't need to keep being told that.
In the middle of the night, sometimes I'd wake up gasping, try to grab just enough to keep me from falling into the darkness. I'd manage to turn my lamp on with numb and trembling hands. My finger tips would be turning blue. I would barely muster enough strength to push myself in to my chair, go to the bathroom, and turn on the shower on as hot as it could go. Then I'd sit in the bathroom and inhale deep steam filled breaths of air, until the water went cold and fingers turned back to normal. I read online that steam was supposed to help.
Right now, that's what my life was made of. I didn't know how to live in this world or how things got so screwed up so fast.
One month later
I had finished making my seventh blanket last night. They were all over the house along with crocheted wash clothes and scarves and crappily made stuffed animals I made for Angel.
I couldn't help but smirk, I didn't have much of a life. At least my story is wound into the yarn of everything I made. Every time I make something, I think about everything going on, and the yarn absorbs the story as if it were liquid. It's permanently imprinted in everything I made and until the yarn itself is destroyed, it'll tell everything that's happened to my life. It doesn't matter if years make the yarn unwind and blanket turn back into a string. Angel might make something else out of the yarn. The yarn will also hold her story. They just keep getting added on, never ruined.
And so when I'm gone and if my mom misses me one night, she can wrap up in my blanket and hear my words, I'll talk to her and for once, maybe she'll listen.
I was sitting in my car, after school on a Friday. I was waiting for Gazzy to hurry up and get his books so we could go to the library.
Suddenly, the car door swung opened. Fang glared at me with narrowed eyes and he sat down on the seat, closing the door. The first thing I felt was confusion, what was Fang doing here?
"Max, we need to talk."
I perked and eyebrow. What was going on? Why was he here? What did he want? Why now? Why couldn't he just leave me alone?
"I... I don't really know why I came here," his eyes were still narrowed, "after all, it's been seven months." He shook his head. "I was trying to think of the right thing to say. What to say to make things better. Anything to say really," he chuckled a little.
I stared, unmoving, not sure what to do. Why did you come here?
The silence was awkward.
What do you want?
"I want... to... make things better, Max. Talk, at least. If we can't fix our dating relationship, I still want us to be friends."
What can you do? Things have changed too much. "It's too late."
He smiled when I spoke, despite the words. "It's not too late, Max. We can fix things." He was excited now, almost giddy. What is wrong with you?
I shook my head.
"Why not?"
I shook my head.
"Max, come on. Just say something."
No.
"God, Max. You're stubborn as an ass."
Are you calling me an ass? Well, you're an asshole! "I don't want to fix things." I mumbled.
"And why not?"
"Because! God. Why don't you jus' leave?"
"Because I want to know why you can't stand to be near me! Just give me an honest answer for once in your life, Max. No more fucking mind games. Don't I deserve that much?... You were lying before, I can tell that now. I know things have changed but we can work through it like everything else. Just tell me why."
"If I tell you, I know you'll jus' deny it."
"If you give me an honest reason, I'll give you an honest answer."
I narrowed my eyes. "You really want t'know? Fine! D'ou- do you- remember when I broke my leg? That's when things firs' really started to change. You started treating me differently. You finally saw what was really going to happen to me. That I was bound to keep getting weaker and so you started pulling back-"
"No, Max, you were the first to start 'pulling back'. It started way back before we even had sex! I thought it would just go away, you were worried about something but you would be fine in a week! But things kept getting worse -not your physical health, our relationship-, you started ignoring me and stopped talking-"
"You ignored me too! And you barely talk in public, why can't I? And I might have been the first to not be as open anymore, but you retaliated the same way! You stopped talking to me, too! And anyways, I was doing you a favor by dumping you!" Thanks to the anger, my words were coming out clearer.
"Doing me a favor! How!"
"Because I knew you didn't want to be in a relationship with a girl who was bound to die!"
"Don't tell me what I want and don't want, Max! And how could you think I would think that? That thought never even crossed my mind-"
"Then why were you ignoring me? Was it some sort of pay back?"
"No! Jeez, no."
"Then why?"
He sighed, sounding defeated he said, "I thought you blamed me. Like you said, things turned for the worst when you broke your leg. You barely spoke to me and that day we were going to have sex and I hurt you're leg, I thought that was the final straw. You blamed me for being put in your chair."
I paused, staring at him in shock, "Fang, you aren't the brightes' bulb in the tanning bed, are you? And you make my chair sound like a dog kennel! But jew -you- really thought I blamed you?"
"Why else would you have pushed me away?"
I sighed, the corner of my lip twitched.
He met my eyes. Why?
"I told you before. I didn't think you wanted a girlfrien' who had FA," I said quietly. "When we firs' started dating, I wasn't that bad, but when my heart started to freak out, I researched online and found out how it'd effect FA. It wasn't very good, and I didn't want to force you to stay with me. So, by dumping you, I though' I was helping you. Letting you out of the situation without feeling bad about it. When we stopped talking, I though' that was the final sign to break things off."
"Max, if I'm stupid, you're in a Special ED class. We've know you FA since you were nine! If I didn't want to date a girl with FA, I wouldn't have kissed you back that one day. I wanted you, with or without FA! And by wanting that- needing you!- I was agreeing to be here for you, through the thick and thin, no matter what happened with FA."
"Well, I thick it's going to be 'thick' from here on out," I mumbled.
"What?"
"I want to be your friend too, Fang, but I don't think any other relationship can be saved."
He nodded, but I could see the hurt in his eyes, "So, friends?"
I nodded.
"If it's not pushing," he said looking at his hands, picking at his fingernail, "why don't you want to?"
I sighed. "I don't wan' to get involved romantically with anyone. I don't wan' to keep feeling the things I used to be able to that I can't now." I gave him a small smile, "I don't wan' to let the other person down or feel like I'm being selfish. I can't stand letting my family see how bad I'm getting. Couldn't stand letting someone who I would be kissing to see it either. Hey, did I tell you I might drop out of high school?"
"Why don't you want people seeing you getting worse?"
Where was Gazzy? "Because... it jus' gets to me. I hate having them help me so much. I don't wan' help, I hate it. I hate the way they look at me, the pity in their eyes. Everyone's treating me differently and babying me and trying to protect me from everything! I hate it! God, and they won't leave me alone! They're constantly checking on me every hour to see if I've fucking died yet. 'Max, are okay?' 'Max, do you need help?' 'Max, do you want to talk about it?' If I waned or needed any of those things I'd ask for it myself! And now even my friends are acting weird! Do you know what they've started doing Fang? They yell at people now, if they stare at my chair! How the hell would that help, but jus' draw more attention! I wish everyone would jus' leave me the fuck alone and leave me in peace if they can't treat me like how they used to! God!" I slammed my fist against the on button of my radio. The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls started up, the first verse blaring. Something about paper bags and plastic hearts. At least those wouldn't break.
It was quiet for a minute, me still fuming and Fang unsure of what to say.
Finally Fang said, "Max? I have an idea."
I glanced at him.
"It's the answer to all our problems. A way to fix everything."
"What?"
"I have about $500 at the house... and you could say you're spending the night at Ella's and I could say I was going to a study group and staying the night at the guy's house. Max... we could run away."
"What? Why? For the night?"
"You just explained why we should. And not just for tonight, we could go live somewhere else, get away from everyone and everything. We'd leave within the next hour or two," he talked faster, "pack our stuff, later call our parents Goodnight, ditch the phones, find a hotel that excepts cash, leave the car like a mile away or something. I could get a job, and we could just live, Max. Away from everyone and everything. It'd be peaceful there, and we could just escape all this. You wouldn't have people treating you differently, you wouldn't have your parents breathing down your neck. Will you go?"
"I..." The thought turned in my head. We could live safely, my parents wouldn't keep seeing me get worse... "But we're eighteen... It wouldn't really be running away..."
"Then we don't have to worry about being caught. Let's leave, Max. What do you say?"
"I say... Yes."
