Chapter 28 of Rebel or Madge?
A/N: You have no idea how many times I could have sat down and wrote this but I didn't, so I'm sorry. Second, damn I really should pay more attention to my outline! I'M SO FAR BEHIND! So if it feels rushed you know why. And thirdly, I may or may not rush through this because I feel that it's really long (which I like) but may be putting some people off. And lastly…I feel like I put WAY to many filler chapters…am I? Please tell me because I need to know!
"I'm not your slut!" I exclaim.
Fire rages in the pits of his pupils. The color nearly being swallowed up by the dilation of his pupils filling with fury and rage and wrath all mixed into one big pit of horrible. I have the urge in my feet to run and run as fast as I possibly can away, but I know I wouldn't get that far. I bet those five Peacekeepers are around here somewhere…
"Excuse me…" I know he's giving me the choice to change my answer and I almost do but I'm not some slut that sleeps around, I couldn't – no I wouldn't – do that to Madge or even myself. It's disgusting for crying out loud!
"Despite your suggestion, I don't think that would be a good TALENT for me. I believe…"
"It's not about what you believe, it's about following the rules."
Follow the rules… Translation: do as I say or regret you were even born.
"I think it would be a waste of other, better, TALENTS I could contribute to the Capitol. Something that everyone could have all at the same time and wouldn't have to make appointments." Even I can hear to the desperation in my voice within the frenzy of words I just pulled out of my ass.
The air surrounding me suddenly feels too dark, too heavy. The dimly lit room makes the monster across from me look even more like a monster than in broad daylight. The sneer on his face tells me I've lost this fight and I don't really care in this moment. I want to get out of here. I want Madge to be beside me and squeeze my hand and whisper everything is going to be alright. But I want her to never have to meet this mean man.
The palms of my hands are slick with sweat and abruptly I feel dirty like I roll around in dirt a thousand times. And my head is spinning in circles, causing the room to blur in and out of my vision and I can feel the biting feeling behind my eyes that I push down. My back stiffens in fear and anxiety and I can feel the attack raising from the pit of my stomach and surrounding me in a sickly sweet utopia that my mind is creating around me. Only it doesn't realize that it's trapping that fear and anxiety and nerves inside the perfect little paradise.
"Please, anything else. I will do anything else but that." I whisper blindly, I can barely see behind the floating images in front of my eyes, rotating like a globe of all the dirty, disgusting pictures of men and women on top of me. Their moans and groans and nudeness is pounding repetitively through my ears. No…No…this cannot be happening…I faintly hear myself think. I can't believe I have to resort to begging on deaf ears.
"I already decided." He slides a brown, moleskin, pocket notebook across the desk, his fingers never leaving the cover. Brown…brown means bad. I can barely think anymore as I place two fingers on the cover on the lower lip of the book and drag it toward me. "Your first appointments are already written in there. At the end of the day you will return this notebook, cover and all, to the night secretary and she will deliver it to me in the morning. Then tomorrow you will come again and retrieve it from the secretary in the morning. Got it?"
I numb numbly and get up and walk clumsily to the mahogany door – is everything mahogany here? – and pull the heavy door open. The soft click of the door is my only conciliation that I'm alone, away from the monster in the room behind my back. I'm hoping the door is too thick to hear my choking sounds as I try to hold off the sobs. But it's the Capitol, he's probably watching me on a computer monitor with that evil smile of his, laughing in his own smell of blood and roses. Oh how I wish he would choke on that smell.
The door swings open, "Oh and Gale…"
"Yeah?" I wipe snot from nose, my voice sounding broken.
"Finnick Odair will be your mentor. He will be here soon if you would like to wait." The monster says before closing his door behind him and leaving me in a mess on the floor outside of his office. Thanks, man.
For god know how long, I lay curled up in a ball weeping on the floor. Where has my life turned too? I don't notice the door open again or when President Snow lays handkerchief on my hip for my snotty noses. I don't notice when Finnick shows up or that he's sitting on the floor by my head, quietly. I don't notice when he picks up the handkerchief and wipes my nose like a little kid or runs his fingers through my hair.
What I do notice is when he hauls me too my feet, with my little brown notebook tucked under his armpit. I attempt to use my shirt to wipe my nose, but Finnick slaps my hands away and hands me the handkerchief. The patch of fabric smells like fabric softener with the faint smell of blood. Blowing my nose loudly, I smile sadly at Finnick.
"Got to look nice, now." he sounds glum.
He hands over the notebook that just makes me feel dirty. I slip it into the back pocket of my jeans and nod my head. He nods back and takes the handkerchief from my hands. I didn't even know I was holding onto it like a lifeline. He folds it into a neat white square, the golden PCS centered in the middle. Finnick sets it outside the big door and grabs my elbow.
He leads me down the hallways in a leisurely walk before stopping right before the last bend. He spins on his heels and wipes the last remaining tear stains off my face. He pushes back my shoulders and playfully pushes the corners of my mouth upwards.
Strolling out, he nods his head at Effie, "Effie." I can see her melt a little at the sight of Finnick Odair acknowledging her in front of everyone else in the room. Odair winks a few more times at various women before shouldering the foggy, glass door open.
The crowd outside mingles and greets people with peppy cheery hellos and goodbyes. From the way the sun is hanging in the sky I can determine it is around noon time. All around me I can hear women squealing hellos and hugging their friends before heading off to lunch with them, and men in business suits talking to coworkers about going to the bar after work...all normal stuff. Nothing like I thought it would be.
And most surprising of all…they don't care about Finnick and I strolling the streets at a brisk pace. We're just normal people here, some stop and stare openly (but I have a feeling that it more for Finnick then me) before continuing on their path. The whole thing reminds me of Clock City, Royal Establishment. For once, positive light is shine on the Capitol citizens. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna become buddy buddy with them… especially with my new TALENT.
Finnick guides me through the winding paved roads until the blacktop becomes fine dirt.
"That," he points the almost completely glass house (it's beautiful…and familiar) up at the top of the hill, bordering the cliff to the body of water beneath the rocky border. "This is where you're going, I'll be down here on the shore if you need me. I expect you won't but I'll be here when you done. Now don't enjoy yourself too much, champ."
I scoff at his words before sticking my tongue out childishly. Nerves bundle into a giant hurricane into my stomach. They circle each other before they crash against the shore, or most known as my stomach walls.
"You okay? You look like you're gonna throw up?"
My hands grip my shirt in front of my stomach, "What do I do? I don't know what to do!"
"Ah, you're a virgin…Lucinda will know what to do. She's gentle. Don't worry about this one, Snow gave you a good one to start with. He didn't with me," he takes my notebook again, "You have her later today. She's…well she's…rough…"
"Great…"
"Lucinda will take care of you. Sometimes she just wants someone to pay attention to her. Her boyfriend, Daniel, is kind of self-centered sometimes. Maybe you'll watch a movie or something. Anyways, go! You're late! And being late isn't as hot as you think it will be." He chuckles at his own joke before shoving my notebook in his pocket and nods toward the house.
My hands shake as I knock on the door. A beautiful middle aged woman answers the door. "Hi pretty boy, remember me?"
I knew her house was familiar. Lucinda Bradberry. The woman who let me stay in her house when we got to Panem. She's really nice, or at least I thought she was before today.
"Come in!" she takes a step back, allowing me just enough space to squeeze past by her with my whole side brushing hers. I can hear her take an intake of breath as I pass. "Still smells good, excellent."
A shiver runs up my spine and I clench my hands to hide the shaking.
Her long fingers brush my chest from behind me. Her other hand cups my butt for a few seconds before releasing.
"Follow me." she whispers in my ear with a sickly sweet ring to it. Lucinda maneuvers past me, running the tips of her nails down my arm before tangling our fingers together and tugging me towards the mess of pillows in the middle of the living room. The white couches surround us and tall vases of brightly colored flowers on the side tables. A wide screen TV is set in the wall above the mantle. Pictures surround it of Lucinda and Daniel and Lucinda and her friends.
The mess of poufy pillows and fluffy blankets on the floor look endearing but I wish it was meant for a different reason.
"So Daniel isn't home, is he?"
"No, he won't be home for a while."
She shoves me from behind so I land face first into the pile with a small oomph escaping my mouth.
And that is where the mess of pulling off clothes and tangling in the blankets began and my innocence ends.
…
"See, it wasn't too bad, was it?" Finnick smiles at me from the roped off area that divided the cliff from the drop.
"I am not talking about this with you!"
The hurricane hits the shore again in my stomach. I lean over the rope railing and release the content in my stomach. Finnick makes an ew sound before climbing a little more up the cliff to stay in the clear zone. The content in my stomach isn't much and pretty soon I'm dry heaving.
My stomach clenches roughly together, trying to conduce something to throw up. Finnick, being the kind guy he is, balances one foot against the trunk of a palm tree and the other, flatly, against the cliff to get closer to me. He pulls the strands of hair from my face to keep the puke from getting in it. I should really cut my hair…
Once I straighten up and can be for sure I'm not gonna do it again, I help Finnick over the rope. He pats my back.
"It's okay, dude, I did that too after my first appointment too."
"Um, thanks."
"Anytime, well off to your last appointment of the day. Today's an easy day, not a lot of appointments. An early night is a good night." He smiles weakly at me as we start on the next long journey.
…
I'm dragging my feet by the end of the day. Finnick was kidding when he said she was rough. I feel like my insides are forever messed up.
"Lightweight!" Finnick laughs at me.
"Shut up!" I would hit him if I had the energy to but I want to be guaranteed a bed to sleep in tonight. Maybe in the morning…yeah tomorrow sounds good.
By the time we're outside Finnick's apartment, I'm leaning heavily against Finnick's shoulder, his arm around my waist for support. He half drags, half carries me up the stairs to the top level where the rooms are. The downstairs are basically nothing because everything is upstairs.
"I think your apartment is the one next door. Upstairs there's this hallway that has doors that you can lock that joins the two apartments together."
"Mmm…"
"God, I know you're light, but no one, and I repeat no one, is light when they're all dead weight. Help me a little, would ya!?"
I help a little but I don't really move until Finnick and I throw ourselves onto the bed. I curl into his side, like I did to Madge when she spent the night. The heavy, warm blanket of sleep drifts over me, or maybe it's just Finnick's blankets. Either way, I'm falling asleep and I don't care.
…
Waking up is awkward. I'm basically on top of Finnick Odair and his hands are planted firmly on my back, trapping us there. Finnick is snoring softly and right over his head is the blinking red lights of the alarm clock, which happens to be blaring a Miley Cyrus song at full volume.
I stretch my arm at full length to shut off the alarm just as FU (feat. French Montana) end and Shake it off but Taylor Swift floats through the speakers.
Dang, Finnick's a deep sleeper, unlike myself. The blinking number read 7:30 AM and I realize I actually had a good night's sleep for once in my life time. But now I'm gonna be tired all day for oversleeping but who cares!
And then I remember I have to go pick up the stupid notebook again. Hopefully, Finnick dropped it off at Snow's place.
"Finnick," I whisper, shaking his shoulder a little, "Finnick, we have to get up."
"No!" he pouts before rolling over, dragging me with him. He's now on top of me instead of the other way around. He buries his face into my neck, his breath hits my neck in hot pants, making me uncomfortable.
"Finnick, at least let me up so I can shower and change." And wash the world away…
"No!" he pouts again.
And vigorously I feel more than uncomfortable, I feel dirty. Not only physically but almost mentally and emotionally. I just feel dirty inside and out. I want to cry and scream and punch a god damn hole in the wall, but I can't because Finnick's on top of me, making it very hard to breathe to do any of those things.
Finnick nuzzles into my neck, further, before squeezes me once. He releases me and whispers: "Go."
I spring from the bed and grab out a pair of his underwear. Hopefully he won't mind and one of his fitted t-shirts. Hopefully it will fit me and slip into the bathroom for a shower.
A little while later, Finnick knocks on the door, yelling at me to hurry up that he needs a shower too. But I'm only done with half my body. I still have the other half to scrub raw. I work feverously on the lower half of my body. Hot, angry tears slip off my cheeks on the shower floor because it feels like I will never get their hands off me. It seems that tears are making a little too many appearances lately, and I don't like it.
God, I need to get my emotions under control. I just have to live with the fact that I'm a horrible person and a dirty person. But that's just it! I don't want to be! I want to be normal again; I want to have a normal lifestyle and not all these lies. I don't, and never have wanted people to know my name. And most importantly… I don't want people to know my body the way they do now. I want to be a kid again, but I haven't been that since I was fourteen.
"Aw, don't you look cute in my clothes." Finnick coos at me, poking me in the chest as we go pass each other on the way in and out of the bathroom.
When he gets out he seems awfully chatty.
Blah blah this and blah blah that. Man, is he talkative in the morning!
"Hey, meet me at Papa's Pancakes this afternoon for lunch. We can have our "Pancake Date!"" he shakes his fist, gently, in front of his chest, his lips curled in a opened mouth, goofy, childish smile.
"Mmm, Papa's Pancakes are the best!"
"I know right, that's why we always go there, honey." He playfully hits my shoulder and winks at me before smacking a loud kiss on my cheek.
"See ya later, shortcake." He's taking the whole "date" thing a little too seriously. Maybe it's just his way of showing that he cares for me. Maybe he's just trying to make this whole situation better for me in a way. And if that means getting fat on buttermilk pancakes…Bring It On!
…
"So how were your clients?" Finnick asks me over lunch as he shoves yet another forkful of pancake in his mouth. The dude's got a big mouth and an even bigger stomach. He's on his third plate of pancakes. And there big pancakes, 3 to a plate. I'm still on my first!
"I told you, Finnick, I'm not talking to you about this."
"It's better to talk about things that bother you. It makes it easier to deal with and handle when things get tough. It also reinforces the idea of having someone to talk too."
"Thank you, Dr. Odair, but I don't need your medical services tonight."
He chuckles before flinging some pancake at me. That must mean he's getting full, about time.
"Hey! This is an expensive shirt! Don't ruin it!"
"Yeah, I would know. It is my shirt."
We smile at each other before finishing our plates of heaping pancakes. The small talk is low on the importance today as we just enjoy each other's presence. I can feel our relationship growing stronger as the clients tick by and maybe someday I will be able to talk to Finnick about this. About how I always feel dirty anymore and gross. But not today and maybe not for a while, but it's nice to know I have someone there if I need it.
…
It turns out; Finnick likes to talk about his clients and all the secrets he just found out throughout the day. Maybe this is his way out of the dreading feeling that lingers in my stomach everyday now and the dirty feelings to "wash" it away.
"She was pretty and nice, but I don't think she will ever compare to my Annie." He has a dreamy look in his eyes when he says Annie's name and is quiet for a long time. Probably remembering Annie in the best way possible.
I let me him remember Annie as I go to spit out the toothpaste in my mouth from my nightly brushing (and yes I brush in the morning too). I look at myself in front of the mirror, my hair is mussed up in all angles and my clothes are crumpled on the floor by the shower. I'm in my own boxer since the housekeeper cleaned them for me and Effie supplied me with more my size. I run my fingers through the ebony locks to calm them down a bit before they get mangled in the morning from sleep.
Finnick slaps open a shirt and pulls it taunt by his hips. "Don't you knock?" he glares at me.
He's completely naked behind the shirt and I find it funny that he cares if I see. I roll my eyes and turn my back to him, my hands up in surrender. "You know I don't care if you see, I was just messing with you."
"Mmmhmm, sure you were, Mr. Self-Conscious."
"I think that's you."
"Loud and proud, Odair, loud and proud."
"Weirdo, who cares who sees what, it's just body parts."
I huff out a laugh when I feel a shirt hit my back. I turn around to retrieve it off the floor. "It's called dignity, Odair, ever heard of it."
"Or is it just because people say your too skinny?" he says in a baby voice, teasing me. I roll my arms and quickly throw on the shirt, fighting off a blush. I know I'm too skinny, but there's nothing I can do about it. You can only fill up your stomach so much.
He holds up pajama pants with a raised eyebrow. I nod and he tosses them to me. The dark blue, plaid PJ pants are soft and comfy. They're flannel and warm and hang low on my hips. Finnick, seductively, but also jokingly, pats the spot beside him. He's squinting his eyes at me with his lips pursed. If he's trying to be seductive he should try again.
I thought it would be weird to sleep next to another man but it's not. Maybe it's just because it's Finnick and he's as harmless as a fly, but just as annoying as one too. I curl up against the pillows, my knees up to my chest.
"Come over here, you know you want too." Finnick says as he clicks off the lamp, filling the room with darkness and I quietly laugh at the thought of Posy and Vick and Rory all being afraid of the dark when they were younger. I can still feel their tiny bodies pressed against my chest even now.
Curling up against Finnick's chest I feel like one of them now, but instead of being afraid of the dark…I'm afraid of myself…
"Just one more day before we go home, Hawthorne." He's half asleep, I can tell by just the way he says it. "Johanna gonna kick our asses tomorrow, all the way to District 7."
Laughing, I can just imagine the train ride tomorrow night where Johanna Mason joins us.
Snorting, I say: "Maybe this time we'll beat her. Allies?"
And in the dark of the night we shake hands with the silence agreement that we will kick Johanna Mason butt tomorrow come rain or shine!
A/N: Is this a filler chapter? It has some very important stuff in it but it has nothing to do with Gadge, but this is also a story about Gale. So I don't know! Either way I love the way it turned out!
