Building Trust
A few people guessed it's Edward's birthday. Yeah! Let's see how dear Bella's doing...
BPOV
I woke after nightmares of being chased through hospitals by reporters, unable to run as I was wading through thousand dollar bills up to my waist and blocked by millions of fans at every exit demanding to know my name. Then I realized it wasn't too far from my current reality as I got up and looked out the window. There was already a crowd. Or, they hadn't left. I couldn't fathom the excitement. Or maybe I could. For Edward. If the events of the last week hadn't occurred we'd be running with the dogs right now, stealing kisses or more. I shouldn't even let my head go there. Maybe he really would have told me himself. Then what? I gave up on my thoughts again and trundled to the bathroom. Esme had left beautiful towels and bath products and I felt reinvigorated after a nice hot shower.
Esme was up early and didn't believe in the word guest. I'd immediately become family. We made breakfast together and while we stirred and cooked and ate she told me a lot about the boys and their difficult adjustment after their parents' death. She didn't have to tell me what turned it around.
"Music. Esme. In everything he does. I've always seen it. I just don't understand…" I knew my lack of tears the last twelve hours would catch up with me. I wanted to hide. Run. But instead I felt Esme's arms around me.
"Bella. Bella." She didn't say it's ok to cry, or try to rationalize Edward's decisions. She just held me. Talking softly about everything Edward had told her about me and that she was so happy that I'd come to New York. Happy for Edward. She must have held me for a couple of hours. Much longer than my own mother has held me in my whole life. Edward came in but Esme sent him away. She has compassion, understanding; the perfect person to nurture two little boys who had lost everything.
When I was ready, she let me go. I sat in my room. I was glad to learn they'd put me in the guest room and not Edward's old room. I called Ang, no answer. I couldn't leave a message about this. A text wouldn't do either. This called for a real talk. I didn't actually know how to begin. Next, I called Jake, Leah was with him of course. Jake worried about me as usual but I told him I was going to try to stick it out, for now. It was his idea, after all. I told him Rose was a doll and Esme and Carlisle were perfect parents. His next question was "Eddie?"
"Edward" I emphasized, "is full of remorse, Jake. I'm working on how I feel. But I don't want to make promises I can't keep."
"Good thinking, Bells. I'm glad you're listening to your heart."
"I listened to you, Jake. Thanks."
"Good. Maybe that means you'll listen to me again one of these days. We'll talk again, Bells. Leah is begging for the phone." I held my breath. I couldn't bear Leah if…
"She promises she won't talk about Eddie, OK?" Jake. It seems like he can read my mind. I tried to say good-bye but all I heard was Leah screeching my name. I highly doubted she'd really keep that particular promise. We were talking about Leah.
Leah was relieved about Rose but, of course, already knew she was out of hospital. It still astounded me how she had so much concern for someone she didn't really know and had never met. She told me she'd seen the Twitter feed and me on all the e-news shows. I hadn't been identified yet but there was some speculation about Texas. I couldn't figure out Texas… unless it was the flight attendants. Because Leah didn't ask, I told her I stayed at his parents' place and he went home. I'm sure it took everything she had not to comment.
"Emmett?" She asked instead. So she was banned only about asking about one Masen brother. I had to give her credit.
"He's pretty funny, Leah." I told him about his introduction.
"He didn't!"
"That's Emmett." I said. She changed the subject and broke Jake's rule simultaneously by telling me Edward was seen running through Central Park this morning with Laurent hounded by reporters and fans for the first time ever. I'd had that thought; a run in Central Park would have been a great stretch. But the mass of reporters outside made the thought a fleeting one. I should go find Edward. Talk. It's why I'm here. But first I had to gush to Leah about baby Elizabeth and her outfit. Leah oohed and aahed appropriately, but I was more than a little peeved with her when she wondered why I didn't take a picture. She didn't mention anything about selling it but I still wasn't in the mood.
"Really, Leah? Seriously. You have no idea. No clue! There were enough paparazzi – there didn't need to be one more fucking camera!" She apologized profusely, remembering I was still pretty close to the edge. That caused me to apologize – what happened to the calm, rationale Bella I once knew? Hopefully I'll be back really, really soon. I miss me. I'm going to try to work on it. I was about to sign off with Leah when she didn't help me one iota with my new resolution telling me to wish Eddie a happy birthday. When I didn't reply she knew she'd put her foot in her mouth again.
"It's tomorrow, Bells. June twentieth." She said quietly. She heard her second f-word in the course of our short conversation. She finally decided maybe that telling me things so I'd curse wasn't the way to go. "You might want to ask him what he's doing tomorrow. It's big. If it's what Emmett did on his twenty-fifth, anyway. And now we know why."
She apologized again as I hung up. I was in worse shape than I was when I came upstairs. Birthday. Great. And for a minute I actually considered Googling whatever it was that Emmett did and why, but there are probably better choices I could make. Quit hiding. Quit crying. Talk.
I was pretty endeared when I finally headed back downstairs and Edward had tears and was being held by Esme. He pushed away when he heard me but knew I'd seen.
"No secrets, Edward." I told him. And Esme patted the couch on her other side. I sat. She put her arms around both of us but got up a few minutes later leaving us alone. A minute passed while we held hands. He understood something else was wrong.
"So, uh, Leah, says 'Happy Birthday'." He swore like I did. He knew I didn't know.
"Sorry, Bella. But it's not a happy one for a lot of reasons. Did Leah tell you?"
"No. I suppose I could have asked or looked it up. But that would defeat the purpose of me flying all the way here." I told him. He nodded. Then he told me about the settlement after his parents' death and the insurance.
"A million in life insurance each and one and a half million for the insurance claim split between Emmett and I. Carlisle and Esme didn't touch a penny to raise us. It was all put in trust for us when we reached our twenty-fifth. Of course, at the time, they had no idea that we'd have no need for it. They didn't even tell us about it until six months before Emmett's birthday. So, Emmett donated everything to MADD. With interest it amounted to 5.8 million – back then, no one knew the actual reason behind the donation but at least the message was clear. Now I've had a little longer so it's about seven and half. And, well, I've just decided to double it. So that's the plan. Alice was just going to put out a statement, but since I'm here she thinks it would be horrible PR to not go in person. I'm not doing it for the PR but I will go. Tomorrow. If I can say anything to have someone reconsider driving drunk there might be some kids out there who don't have to go through what we did. That would make the craziness we live worth it."
I just sat there while he talked and these days I just cry so it was probably no surprise to him that I was in tears, again. It was starting to piss even me off. And again I had no words. His parents' death. Seven and half million dollars. Double it – no biggie. Like last year when I thought I'd give ten bucks to the girl in my class collecting for a charity run but all I had was a twenty. That was my coffee money for the week put to good use. Breathe Bella.
"Fifteen. Million. Wow." Was all I could say when my tears finally dissipated. This time, my math skills didn't escape me. And then, stupidly, I told him what I'd been thinking. He actually didn't think I was a complete idiot.
"It's not for commendations or another headline, Bella. Nowhere even close. And you had to make a real choice. What do I need? Certainly not another Ferrari. I didn't need the first one. And this money, a part of me wonders what I'd be doing tomorrow if I didn't have what I do. It's blood money, Bella. If my parents were here it wouldn't exist. Would I really have kept it? We seem to be having a lot of these 'what if' conversations. I'd like to think I wouldn't have. But that's way too easy to say today; much more difficult if I was having trouble paying rent. I donate a lot, but I'm usually not on camera. I just need to make it through tomorrow without tears. Rock stars are supposed to be impervious to things like parents dying, sisters in the ICU and the terror I feel that you're just going to pack up and walk out. I'm not. But apparently it doesn't look good on camera."
"I'm not leaving, Edward." I was more certain in that moment than I had been since I'd gotten off the plane.
"Good. That helps a lot. I'm just going to remember how happy you were playing with the sea lion. That should get me through tomorrow."
"That reminds me. I got a big thank-you for supporting animal conservation." I let out another huff of exasperation. Better than tears.
"You were having a blast and so was I. I actually didn't give them nearly enough. Let's say I gave them more than twenty bucks but less than fifteen million. Or would you like me to be more precise?"
I shook my head. I really didn't want or need to know. "That's perfect. I am more than happy being oblivious – about that. I'm just sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday. I don't think I can go out there." I pointed out the window where the crowd of reporters and fans still gathered.
"You're here, Bella. That's more than I could have hoped for when I headed back to Texas. And I love the socks, Bella, really." He smiled tentatively and even showed me he was wearing the gift I got him three weeks ago by wiggling his toes. From the fifteen million dollar man to just Edward in seconds. I liked that.
We talked some more, both with tears. Edward told me about his biological parents and his and Em's activities as kids: going to little league – worse humiliation than the shirtless video, was Edward's assessment even at the tender ages of seven and eight; Emmett's football games and then hunting, fishing and camping with his dad. Racing cars on video games with Emmett, Edward would always win. It seemed like a different life, not necessarily unhappy other than the torture of little league, just like something essential to the Edward I knew was missing. As we talked, Edward showed me around the apartment, including the rooftop garden and the gym but we couldn't even step into the lobby unless we wanted to call Laurent. I wasn't keen to get on a crying jag outside the door where there was still a huge crowd of reporters and fans – a seven on Edward's scale - so we stayed inside. A whole city at our doorstep – but out of reach. I was beginning to understand what the freedom of the vineyard meant to him. Why he was always so excited running with the dogs or working with Sam in the sun. And I think I understand what something else means to him too. That missing piece. Pulling him into the living room again I walked him towards the piano. I haven't heard him play for a week. Music just brought me all that much closer to the truth. He hesitated and just looked at me. Questioning. That brief glance told me so much. I don't want him to be scared of my reaction in doing what he loves. And it's time. I nodded and went to sit on the couch. Just me and Edward and music. The world completely disappeared as I listened.
I love Esme and Carlisle, two of the most down to earth people I think I'll ever meet and they were dealing with all this as well as they could. I'd learned the night before that little Elizabeth's name had opened quite the can of worms not just for me but that Carlisle and Esme weren't used to the press and fans either. Edward was still playing a few hours later as I lounged on the couch enamoured with every note when Carlisle came home from his summer session at Columbia flexing his fingers complaining loudly about autographs and med students.
"I've never had standing room only for an optional lecture on hematology! Though the most relevant question to the lecture I got at the end of class was 'what's Edward's blood type?' confessing I have no idea. You don't want to know what else they were asking. I actually had to sign autographs! Next lecture will be mandatory and I'm setting a quiz."
"AB negative, Dad. I know exactly what else they were asking. The answer is no. Never. Sorry, Dad. It's no walk in the park."
"Or a run in Central Park, Edward?" Esme walked into the room eyeing her son with total fear.
"Laurent was there." He looked at Esme sheepishly. I still couldn't fathom his reality in getting this type of interrogation from someone as wonderful as Esme about something as banal about going for a run.
"That was way too dangerous! You need to be more careful." Esme cautioned him but looked at me wondering what I thought of all this. Edward looked panicked. I couldn't figure out why.
"I haven't been in Central Park since this thing started, Bella. I swear. It was early. I missed Texas. I… missed you." He'd already gotten up from the piano bench and sat beside me caressing my hand.
Oh. He thought I caught him in another lie. No.
"Leah." I had to reassure him. Realization dawned in him. I already knew. Carlisle and Esme didn't get it but Esme understood we were having a moment. Carlisle couldn't leave.
"Donate blood, Edward." He was at least able to get out before Esme dragged him from the room.
First, I had to tell him why he needed to donate blood. Then, we sat for a while. I asked about his run, heard all about the castle and the fountain. I'd been to Central Park but that was more out of necessity than it was for a saunter, Ang had to get to a gallery on the other side of the park so I've never actually done any exploring. For Edward, lounging in the park, climbing the turret or throwing coins in the fountain was out of the question now, he said, but it brought back memories of doing these things as a kid. The fans were handled by James and Laurent and having few officers in the vicinity helped keep the peace. When I told him I wished I'd been there it actually brought fear to Edward's eyes.
"You're allowed to put yourself in danger…" I started, now just as worried as Esme.
"I wasn't in danger. Mom was exaggerating. I didn't go alone, Bella. I don't go anywhere alone." He sighed. This was always the crux of his argument. And I can see how it rips him in two. Minutes earlier at the piano it was like he was back at the vineyard, completely relaxed, playing whatever he decided to play at that moment in time. I'd let the peace overtake me too. But we were back to his reality. Though if he didn't react like he does to music, there'd be no way he'd put up with everything he does. Rose is right, yet again.
"I know." I told him. I wasn't ready for reality. That discussion would lead to why. And then to us. Instead, I gestured towards the piano again. He didn't hesitate this time. We both got lost in the music. Esme called us for dinner and Edward and I were apologetic about not helping.
"Don't worry, kids. It's just a stir-fry. I don't get serenaded much anymore. I loved it."
"I notice my tip jar is missing, mom." Edward gestured to the top of the piano, laughing. I had to ask. Esme answered.
"When we first got Edward into piano we didn't know how he'd take to it. We decided to give him a dollar every time he practiced for fifteen minutes." Esme laughed. Even I could see a serious problem.
"Oops." I said. Both Esme and Edward nodded.
"We quickly cut it down to a dollar and hour – even then he was the richest kid on the block." Esme said with a smile.
"I don't doubt it. And he probably snuck in extra hours and didn't bill you." I looked at Edward knowingly. He nodded. "And you probably didn't buy comics and gum like a typical kid did you, Edward?" I asked.
"No. Lessons. Music geek. I confess." Edward actually blushed.
"We didn't find out for six months that Edward was paying for extra lessons. Took him to do his grade 1 piano exam and he passed grade 4."
"Only because they wouldn't let me challenge the grade 8 exam. I was all set."
"Bella, as you can see, he's a little modest. Don't let him Google himself. His head might explode." Esme winked and passed me the rice.
"Mom!"
"Reality check. It's good for you, Edward. Bella's here to meet your quirky family. And tonight, I'm it. Carlisle decided to get some work done without students asking for your phone number." Edward rolled his eyes. I think he picked that up from me. It was so sweet watching Esme and Edward reminiscing. Esme seems to understand this strange love-hate relationship Edward has with his fame and is pushing him to take a step back and laugh at himself. I'm still worried about the whole situation. Esme's perspective is good for him, and for me too. We ate in silence. Esme said it was a simple stir-fry but the sauce was delicious and the chicken was tender. After dinner, Edward and I at least cleaned the kitchen and did dishes. By the time we were done Esme had found a couple bucks and put them on the piano. It was a perfect evening.
The next morning Edward tried to convince me to attend the charity event. I told him that not only would I be a distraction for him, people would be too focused on 'Eddies girl' to pay attention to the message he was trying to deliver. He conferred with Alice and reluctantly agreed to go to the MADD event with Emmett and Laurent instead. When he returned from his birthday duties he said the staff and volunteers at MADD were very understanding and the PR piece with the cameras was very short. I told him the reaction was positive. It didn't even take him a second this time.
"Leah." I nodded. He'd stuck around for another couple hours learning more about their advertising campaigns and services before heading out to the cemetery with Emmett. Fans had left flowers for his parents which was both touching and disconcerting, he said. I could only hold his hand and wipe his tears. I wished I could do more, but I still shook with anxiety about everything. He knew and there was a sure way to work out some of that pent up energy in both of us. We headed to the gym and the dreaded treadmills.
Edward finally told me what he'd told his family and, though I hate secrets, I was glad they didn't know what had really happened. When he asked if he wanted them to know more I looked at him with horror. He still told me it was up to me whatever and whenever I wanted to tell anyone. I shook my head. I don't think I need to share that with the world. I still didn't know how our relationship would pan out but I wasn't about to give up yet either.
Emmett, Rose and Elizabeth came over for dinner; Esme enlisted all of us again to help. Rosalie gave Elizabeth to me and I lit up as I held her. Edward took to setting the table. Even with the changes Elizabeth brought to their lives (and mine), she had everyone wrapped around her little finger. Emmett was still jumpy and didn't want Rose to carry the baby even though Carlisle tried to reassure him it was fine and she was doing well. There was still so much worry. It's so obvious Emmett and Rose love each other but they're both too stubborn for their own good. Is that me too? Do I let someone like Edward go because of what he did? Or was he at least partially right? Would I seriously be here if I'd known he was a megastar? A part of me wanted to say it didn't matter. But I'd been more than nervous to take Edward Cullen on a little horseback ride. Leah's 'holy-fuck-it's-Eddie-Masen!' for six weeks wouldn't have been very conducive to relationship building. For Edward and I or for Jake and Leah. I hated thinking it. At some point I'd have to figure out how to voice my fears.
I borrowed Edward for a few minutes between dinner and dessert. I couldn't talk about all that but I did have something else on my mind. The minute I asked Edward if he would stay in Texas for the rest of the summer he smiled and took my hand. I told him there were strict rules – I would be staying at Jake's. He still looked thrilled. It was an invitation. We had way more to work on but I was willing to see what could happen. More family talk and homemade birthday cake for the birthday boy put my horrible thoughts at bay. There was no lavish gift exchange. Esme gave Edward a music note piggy bank with twenty bucks in quarters inside for future serenades. Edward's pieces that night were diverse, reflecting his various moods throughout the day, a lot of them I had to guess he'd just written. He's completely amazing.
We headed back to Texas the next day with Laurent accompanying us for the first time. Fans at the airport had Edward decide to fly into Dallas rent a car, drive to the San Antonio airport to get the truck where Laurent would then drive the car back to Dallas for a flight home. I hoped we wouldn't have to call him.
We weren't followed. We spent most of the rest of the summer in Texas and tried to return to our regular routine. Leah moved into the cabin with me; or rather, that's what she was telling her mom. She and Jake no longer shared with me everything they do at night and for that I was grateful. Every time I thought of Edward's hands on my body I didn't know how to feel. Edward stayed at the vineyard and drove The Thing. Dr. Snow welcomed me back and I was eager to prove myself again; no strings attached.
Leah was actually tongue-tied when she finally, officially, met Edward. And she'd already had almost a week to get used to the idea. I kicked her. Edward was overly nice. He obviously does this a lot. He reminded her they'd spent a lot of time on the phone about the porch and it didn't really take her all that long to come around. What really cinched it was Edward's confession that he'd actually hoped she'd call Eddie Masen even after what had happened. And Leah hadn't said a word to me but she'd had her finger on her phone those three days taking care of me at the house thinking about doing just that. They both felt like schmuks and apologized to me. I don't think it would have changed anything for me if she had called, but Jake looked at her with a new respect. She still called him Eddie but at least she didn't ask him to take off his shirt (she had had a pretty good look, really). She did ask me later to get her his autograph even though Jake just shook his head. Edward did one way better and secured her tickets and backstage passes to the shows in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Austin in October. She was giddy.
Jake was way more wary, now that he'd convinced me to give Edward a chance he was back on his guard. I could have yelled at Jake but it seemed like it was his way of being my protector. And right then, maybe I felt like I needed one. He glared at Edward every chance he got and Edward didn't have a clue how to handle him. Edward knows nothing about cattle, doesn't have time for sports and Jake is tone deaf. Though, they both know cars. For Jake, the Ferrari is a sore spot – I can tell he loves it, but admitting it would be like welcoming Edward back into the fold. Edward even took him to the race way trying to break him in. Jake just shrugged when I told him to quit being an ass. I confided my frustrations with Leah. Jake was being particularly annoying one day when Leah pulled Edward aside and loudly whispered that it wasn't possible to change Jake in a day. That got an even bigger glare from Jake. I finally understood. Jake's attitude towards Edward had little to do with me. It was Leah. He was claiming his territory. Jealousy. Leah had better not figure it out. She can curse worse than I can. Jake would need to learn a lot of grovelling. At this point, he could probably take lessons from Edward.
Sam and Paul felt incredibly guilty and confessed they knew about the car. It didn't faze me; I didn't care about the car and wouldn't even go for a ride. I wasn't ready. Edward still worked with Sam in the fields and with Paul in the winery every day telling me he was earning his keep. Some days I'd bring a picnic but we'd always eat outside; Edward would talk about the vineyard and music and play and I would ramble about the animals I'd seen that day. We'd still run and horseback ride and Edward would always take my hand but he didn't try for another kiss. He was being very careful; he was still nervous that I might run. So was I.
We flew back to New York the following Tuesday – Edward said it was important and I thought it had something to do with the band. Not entirely. Carlisle took me to Columbia. I loved it. Though I still thought two flights to New York in a week was ridiculous. Edward casually mentioned he's frequently at least one airplane every day for months. Now that the cat was out of the bag he wasn't shielding me from anything. I toured the medical school and vet school with Carlisle and Laurent, wishing Edward could have come though knowing full well why couldn't. I think Carlisle was still trying to convert me – we spent a lot of time at the medical school, even with the gathering crowd. Carlisle would answer questions posed by his students as long as they weren't directly about Edward. I loved his wealth of knowledge. Edward's blood type would soon be common knowledge after the thirtieth student asked him the question.
"He's a universal plasma donor. Look it up!" He finally told the next twenty students, at least making an assignment out of it.
I wasn't about to answer questions about my name much less my blood type and Laurent was staying close. We finally made it to the veterinary school and I got introduced to the dean of veterinary medicine. Carlisle managed to strongly emphasize I wasn't looking for a handout. I would have been mortified. The dean had actually pulled my file, talked with me about my next year of studies and my summer endeavours. His parting words were promising but cautionary, "You've got the package, Bella. Stay focused. Your science degree with a strong GPA should bring you over the top. Just don't spend too much time on the road. My granddaughters would be impressed but it won't help you here." I thanked him for his time, told him that I was pleased admission was based on merit and that I hoped to see him next year. Carlisle told me the next day I made a good impression and the dean was sworn to secrecy about me and my plans. He was allowed to tell his granddaughters Edward's blood type.
Edward and Jazz worked on music and the fall tour at Jazz's while I was at Columbia. The following day I joined him and finally met Alice. We listened to the music as we talked. Alice was very guarded with me at first – I could sense she was worried I could cause a PR nightmare where the band was concerned. I would never do such a thing; but it took a while until we understood one another. Then, she told Jazz and Edward we were going out. Apparently that was code. For shopping. If I'd known that was her mark of friendship I never would have agreed to go. Leah and I hadn't made it to the mall but the first thing I saw as we walked in near the electronics store was a larger than life poster of Eddie. I backed away and Alice just took my hand and we took a wide berth around the group buzzing about Eddie's hair, comparing pictures on their phones to the poster. From what I could gather his current look was winning out but I didn't want to stick around when they were discussing the best way to find out what his real hair color was. Seriously? Alice blushed as much as I did. When we finally rounded the corner she started to open her mouth. I just held up my hand. She was either going to tell me or ask if I knew, I didn't even want to go there. My message was clear. Alice suddenly spouted off our agenda – which sounded like something to do over the course of a few years and not an afternoon. I just wanted new runners. Laurent let us do our thing but it was disconcerting being watched. Again. I thought of Edward. All the time, he'd said. I finally picked out some new runners and headed to the till. Alice, the little devil, was so fast and ripped my wallet out of my hands before I could even open it and stored it in the bottom of her purse. Now that she had my wallet hostage she dragged me to store after store dressing me in new...well...everything. There was no saying no to Alice, she caught herself when I nearly fainted at the first price tag, shrugged and everything else that came to me to try on had the tags removed. I don't shop but I have heard of Gucci, Burberry, Louis Vuitton and Dior and wouldn't ever have dared enter an establishment where jeans cost more than fifty bucks. Then…I met Alice. Two full wardrobes later – one was staying in New York – I was exhausted, Alice was euphoric. She bought twice as much for herself as she bought for me. I think there was a method to her madness. Leah's description fit her to a tee. Whirlwind.
"Gotta look the part, Bella."
"I go to school. I have a vineyard and I work on a ranch. Designer jeans while delivering livestock is silly." I didn't want to say designer jeans are just plain silly. That might be rude. Besides, she likely just spent more than I paid for tuition – on clothes.
"Not if Edward is looking at you."
"We're nowhere near there, Alice." But I didn't expand. We'd been there. I can't deny that my body wants him. But I can't. Too much has changed. I need to figure out how a terrified farm girl could even consider making this work. If it's even possible. Alice looked ready to pry information out of me but maybe had received a warning from Edward. Edward was being extra patient; we still only held hands in private and didn't even touch in front of a camera. Esme and Carlisle have been gracious and they let me stay at the house again while Edward stayed at his loft. No questions asked.
We flew home, had a great ride and BBQ with Jake, Leah, Quil and Embry on Friday. Leah talked to Edward about our new painting project without hyperventilating. Progress. Jake had actually taken the Ferrari out by himself while Edward and I were in New York and I heard a little reverence in his voice. Maybe he'd finally done what I'd suggested and talked to Leah. Brilliant. I was relaxing. So was Edward. Then came our Saturday morning run and ride. As soon as we finished the ride I was trying desperately not to panic. Laundry, that was a good excuse. Yes. Edward was planning on a conference call with the band and to help Sam out. Good. Sam had actually bought Edward some pruning shears. If only I was so trusting I could just tell him my current problem. Instead, I sat in the cabin alone in tears. We'd been in New York, I hadn't remembered. After I hung up the saddle on Saturday my head was in overdrive. I was four days late. It was not possible. We'd used protection. I didn't answer the phone that evening. Edward blew me a kiss goodnight on voicemail. Edward called Sunday morning. I didn't answer. Jake and Leah banged on the door. I shut everyone out. By Sunday afternoon, Jake figured it out. He braved Mrs. Newton and bought a pregnancy test and used the spare key to get into the cabin. He just handed it to me without a word and sat down to wait. I followed the instructions then sat with Jake. Three endless minutes later it was negative. Jake was confused when I cried. So was I.
It was Jake who picked up my phone. He called Edward. I heard Edward answer "Bella!" in a panic. Jake was Jake and point blank told Edward I wasn't pregnant. Edward knocked on my door not even ten minutes later. Thirty miles – he didn't drive The Thing. Jake opened the door for Edward and left.
"Bella." He looked so worried. But also like he wanted to hug me. I couldn't let him.
"Don't. Edward. I'm fine."
"What if…"
"There is no 'what if' Edward. It's a very good thing. Think of Masen Hale. The scandal." I tried to smirk. I didn't do a good job.
"I don't give a damn. You are more important. But I can't understand why you called Jake, Bella. Why?" He sounded at loss, upset and even a little angry.
"I didn't call. He guessed."
"I should have been here."
"Yeah? I could have sent you to the pharmacy? That would have worked as a headline." I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I wanted to say, I wanted you here, I want you. But I'm afraid.
"Do you want me to choose, Bella? My life or yours? I can. I will. I would choose you, Bella. Today."
"You would never." I told him. There's no way. In the two weeks that I'd known he is Eddie Masen, everything is about the music. No. Everything's always been about the music.
"Give up the band. Yes. I've thought about it way before today, Bella. I could go back to Julliard. Play in the symphony. Just write. Teach piano. If you hate me for being Eddie Masen I don't have to be." Edward sounded resolved. Just like at the hospital. Not like something he wanted to do, something he felt he had to do. I couldn't let him.
"No. I'm not that girl, Edward. I can't tell you that I'm not going to school next year, that I'm not going to vet school, just so I can be the token girl warming up your bed. And you're not that guy – if you did give all this up, you'd be bitter and need someone to blame for the rest of your life. That someone would be me. I can't let that happen. You love what you do."
"You'd never be a token, Bella. I love you. It's true, I love music, too. This crazy thing the band has could end tomorrow. I'll still need to play. To write. Anywhere. As long as you're in my life." He pleaded. I felt horrible. I didn't even know what to say. Our relationship isn't going to survive if I'm hiding and Edward's doing all the work. The question I need to ask myself is am I more scared of losing him if I try and fail or if I just let him go. I've tried with mom. I haven't gotten very far. But Edward, I have to believe he's worth the risk. I took a deep breath. All or nothing.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have shut you out. Especially not for something like this. But I'm terrified of being anything like my mother. We're not quitting anything. Either of us. This year will tell us a lot, I think. Florida. New York. The world. It won't be easy, we'll be apart. We'll know pretty quickly if it's not working out." Edward smiled and took both my hands in his. We hadn't really talked about anything past August. It was time to start. Maybe we were getting closer to making something work. At the very least, I'm not going to hide in my cabin alone anymore.
"Alice." He said. And now he had a grin and a plan. We were both going to try. That ups the odd right there.
Two days later I finally got my period – a full week late. I called him right away.
Edward was right. Alice is a schedule master. She has to be. She told me about the tour, which takes the band to almost every state and a new city and show nearly every night from September until December. Impossible. Apparently that's how it works with Alice. So Alice and I did a little tweaking for my fall semester. In comparison to tour logistics for the band and crew this was a snap. I changed my work night to Wednesday, volunteering at the shelter Monday and Tuesday. I didn't have class on Friday and I would volunteer at the aquarium on Sunday afternoons. My schedule left Thursday after classes at four to Sunday at noon for Edward. And studying and assignments and travel. I might need to give up on sleep.
For the interview on July 5th Leah was my rock. We listened in my childhood bedroom, while Edward was on his phone in the living room. The band talked about the tour, the album, the baby, Rose, the almost-adoption and even Edward's new hairstyle and blood type but every second question no matter how he or the rest of the band tried to redirect it came down to speculations about Eddie's girl. I wanted to run out of the room grab Edward's phone and tell them to leave us alone but I knew that would just fuel the fire. Edward was way more diplomatic and acknowledged a new relationship, not expanding about where, how or when we met, or giving my name, just asking for privacy again and again. We knew it still wouldn't happen. When it was done, Leah unlocked my door and I nodded at Edward and took his hand again. Even with next to no information Twitter went mad. I finally read some of the comments and Rose had definitely sugar-coated it. Not-so-nice, she'd said, some fans were a lot more descriptive – strings of profanities and threats for stealing Edward were prevalent. Edward cringed and apologized. This one wasn't on him. And I should have listened to Rose.
The rest of the month was filled with horseback rides, running with the dogs and painting the house. Edward and I talked a lot about the fall between school and the tour and our pending separation as we sanded and painted. Edward bit his tongue whenever I pulled out my credit card paying for paint and supplies. He did, however, enlist Leah to redo the hardwood floor in the whole house – the radio caused quite the damage, he said – I think it could have been buffed out. Leah, knowing I'd kill her if she did anything else, billed Edward to the penny. Then, the ten dollar radio was replaced with a fully integrated entertainment and security system for the whole house. Edward knows more than a few people who know a thing or two about sound. That's when I had to bite my tongue. There were days after working with Dr. Snow where I really needed a hug. Leah and Jake allowed me to lean on them. Edward was willing but knew I couldn't go there yet. And despite his hatred of little league, Edward likes to watch baseball and was surprisingly happy to join Embry, Quil and me to watch baseball in the cabin, bringing beer and making popcorn. He'd sit in the La-z-boy with his feet up holding my hand while the three of us lounged on the couch. Embry and Quil don't really know about music so initially they treated Edward just like he preferred. That was until Edward told them he knows quite a few of the Yankees, then he was revered. He can't win. But he did give them tickets to a few Astros games and let them drive there in the Ferrari after a few lessons. Quil and Embry were over the moon. And Leah and Jake? Well, I know Leah still idolizes Edward, but she always begs off on baseball, pulling Jake into the house for some alone time. Jake told me he can't actually believe he rates over Eddie Masen. He hit me when I told him I couldn't believe it either. And then we hugged and Jake spun me in circles. Jake and I, we're at least back to our version of normal.
On nights without baseball or after baseball I'd sit on the porch at the vineyard and listen to Edward play – the new outdoor speakers had great acoustics, I had to admit. Some nights I would even fall asleep on the bench and Edward would call Jake and Leah to take me and my car home. He was being more than careful. I would still burst into tears for no apparent reason but it was lessening and everyone carried tissues to come to my rescue. So the bottom line was that I couldn't let him in but I couldn't let him go. I was in limbo. I had horrible nightmares that he would just get sick of my theatrics and leave me without warning. When I shared my fears with him he could only shake his head. "Never, Bella. I love you. I'm here. Forever. Unless…" he couldn't finish his sentence. He looked petrified too. Unless I send him home was left unsaid. I can't do that either. After our talk, the nightmares stopped. A month of nightmares and a ten minute conversation was able to quell them. Honesty, I think I need to work on it too. Maybe we weren't completely in limbo but crossing that imaginary boundary line that separated our worlds felt like a chasm I couldn't cross. Yet.
I think we'll catch up with Edward right away…
