Dear Bill,
I've been sitting and staring at a blank piece of paper for nearly twenty minutes, trying to find the right words and the right way to string them together to say to you what I need to. If it were you sitting down to write me a letter, I know you'd do it eloquently. You'd know exactly how to put things, and as I read it to myself I'd hear the words in your soothing, gentleman's voice. I always appreciated that you never held any of your learning and formal education over my head. Gracious. That's one of the words I'm looking for; you are gracious Bill Compton. Even when you became King you did your best to treat others fairly when so many other folks would have abused the power, would have used it to get back a little of their own from those that they had scores to settle with. I'll never forget the way you let Eric go. It was one of the noblest things I've ever seen. I'm not saying you're perfect, 'cause heaven knows none of us are. What I am trying to say is you are a good man. I know you don't often believe it of yourself; you're harder on yourself than anybody I know. But you, Bill Compton, are a good person. The fact that you're a vampire doesn't change that, if anything it just shows how strong you are, on the inside where it matters.
I forgive you for your deception when we first met. I'm letting it go, right here, right now, and I won't dwell on it again. What I'm keeping are the good times we shared. You were my first love, Bill. I'll always carry good thoughts of you.
This letter is my goodbye to you. When you get it tonight as the sun sets, I'll be somewhere else. Perhaps 'somewhen' else would be the right phrase. Though it ties into my Fay blood, I'm not going to a fairy realm. But I'll be safe and happy where I'm at, so don't worry about me. I can't say for sure, but I don't believe I'll be back.
The house is still in Eric's name, and that's fine. I know Jason doesn't want it. He hasn't felt the same about the place since Gran died. So don't worry about loose ends; I know you'd want to jump in and help, but it's all settled already.
Be happy, Bill. Let yourself be happy.
Love,
Sookie
Sookie stared at the letter for several moments. It felt right and was as good as she could do with the short time she had today. Letter in hand, she walked over to her bookshelf and scanned the titles until she found what she was looking for. Pulling The Complete Works of Sara Teasdale down from the second to top shelf, she blew off a fine layer of dust from the tome and fondly brushed her thumb across the gold embossed title. She flipped it open to the table of contents, and from there opened to the desired poem.
Her mind flashed back to the night Bill had given her the book. They were in his study in the hours before dawn. They'd made love several times earlier in the evening, and a quiet lethargy had settled in as they stared at the flames in the big, stone fireplace. Suddenly, Bill had broken the silence.
"Do you like poetry, Sookie?"
"Well, it's okay I guess." Her mind immediately went to her fourth grade year, and Miss Poras making them read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken." The class as a whole hadn't been keen on literary enrichment, but had managed some poetic flare in calling the teacher Miss Poor-Ass behind her back, and laughing heartily since her backside was actually quite large. Sookie hadn't been amused; too often she'd been on the receiving end of bullies' spiteful words. "It's not that I dislike it, I just never understood a lot of it." Sookie was a faithful public library patron, but her tastes ran to murder mysteries and juicy historical romances. 'Course, that had been somewhat ruined when her fairy cousin Clyde had started showing up on some of the covers. Eww.
"That's fair. Part of what I like about poetry, though, is it doesn't have to make sense. It speaks straight to the heart, so it's going to say something different to each person that reads it. Can I share a few favorites with you, Sookie?"
The way he'd said her name had sent goose pimples down her arms, and elsewhere. She'd smiled and nodded, and had pulled the cashmere throw high over her breasts and settled deeper into the cushions scattered on the floor. "Okay, sure. Go ahead."
Bill had stood up, all lean and graceful. She'd been treated to a nice view of his backside. He'd retrieved a single book from the shelf and then burrowed back beside her.
"This is one of my favorite poets, Sara Teasdale. In the early 20's, you know, I was still with Lorena. I was savage then. I'd completely surrendered to my vampiric nature." He'd said it in a straightforward tone, but there was an immense pain in his eyes. Sookie knew he still hadn't forgiven himself. She stayed quiet and waited.
"For decades I ignored any twinge of the human being I used to be. There was no room for compassion, for mercy. I was a killer—a very effective killer. I was a predator, and people were my prey. But I wasn't happy. I was restless. It didn't matter how many lives we took, how much blood we gorged ourselves on. Changes in scenery didn't help; we traveled across the whole country several times. It was me; I wasn't happy with myself. One evening we'd slaughtered an entire group of young people in a library, college students, so at that time, all male. Lorena was still playing with her food, refusing to let the last one die. His screams bothered me. I wandered around, browsing the shelves. I pulled a book of Ms. Teasdale's poems from the shelf by chance. I retired to a side room, away from the screeches of the dying boy, and read her poems. They were short. Seemingly simple. But they filled me with a sense of humanity I hadn't felt in such a very long time. Her words spoke of loneliness, of unhappiness, but also of moments of pure beauty. They helped me remember what it's like to a man. Not a monster."
At that point Sookie had reached over and embraced him. He'd pulled back, wiping away a single bloody tear. "This one is my favorite." And in his lovely Southern drawl he'd read:
Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,
Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold,
Let it be forgotten for ever and ever,
Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.
If anyone asks, say it was forgotten
Long and long ago,
As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall
In a long forgotten snow.
Sookie tsked her tongue against her teeth. "But it's so sad."
"It surely is. At the time, that line about 'time making us old' was like being stabbed in the heart. Human beings were made to get older, to age, to someday die. Immortality is not natural. For a few moments I felt the weight of my damned soul, knew that I was an abomination to the natural workings of this world. But then I realized vampires are a part of nature. We exist, so we must be. Even we don't live forever. There is an end for us all. And all of our deeds and acts will eventually be gone, be forgotten, be no more. I thought about my dead family, long gone at that point. I thought about the trail of carnage my maker and I had left behind us. And I felt a fierce joy that all of that would someday fade into oblivion."
Sookie had lifted her palms to his cheeks, keeping his eyes as she fought her own tears. "I can't know what you've gone through, Bill. I can't understand. And I'm glad you were able to find some amount of peace in those words and that you changed the way you were living. But I believe something does remain. Love remains. It doesn't go away. It stays after everything else is gone."
He'd kissed her and his hands had moved frantically over her body. After that there'd been no more words for a long while.
Now, standing in sunlight, Sookie smiled and slipped the letter into the book on the same page as the poem that had so touched his heart those many years ago. She shouted out to Talako that she'd be right back, and sat off across the cemetery to Bill's. She'd place it on his front step. He'd understand. After everything else was gone, love remains.
A/N- This chapter is for Demeter. I'm a Viking fan, always will be, but that doesn't mean Sookie and Bill didn't have something special and beautiful. First loves stay with us no matter what comes after. Wanted to make this a Bill-centric chappie. Also wanted to note in this AU Bill hasn't gone psycho or dissolved in a puddle of blood to rise as I don't know what. We'll get back to the rest of the preparation for Sookie and Talako's journey soon. Oh, and she wasn't lying to Bill when she said she'd be safe. Mostly. Promise ;o)
