Hey guys. I'm back again. I know it's been a few days and no notice on when the next chapter was going to be up. I didn't want to promise a day and then not fulfill that promise. Plus my inspiration streak kind of died out because of working everyday. I was just tired. So I have been working slowly on this chapter instead of rushing through it. I will continue to work a little each day so that way I don't over do it but I won't leave you guys hanging. So expect about the same amount of time for the next chapter. I'll give you guys an estimated deadline of a week. I should be able to write more this weekend, so I am hopefully not going to take that long. But that's the longest I'll be. Hopefully. As always, Read and Review!
Clare's POV
It's been a week since Eli got Asher to get me medicine. Since then I have been slowly recovering. None of us have had to deal with placements, and my mood has been okay. Eli hasn't really left me alone long enough since then either. When I go to the bathroom, he comes inside now. He no longer waits outside.
I can understand why but it kind of gets to a girl when she never gets to be alone. Either way, I can't complain. It's been pretty decent around here. No Fitz confrontations. No Asher or K.C. at all. K.C. doesn't even come to the door to get the placements either. I haven't felt safer here.
Unfortunately, Eli hasn't kissed me during this time either. I mean I get it, we don't exactly have a real relationship. And these aren't the most normal conditions, but we went from kissing kind of, sort of, frequently, to not kissing at all. It's kind of frustrating and making me want to kiss him more.
We've gone through the showers again, but Asher hasn't come around to getting me a shirt. This didn't surprise me, I didn't think he would get me one. Eli's hoodie was fine, I mean it works, and I threw out my shirt so it's not like I had anything to wear. Today was the first official day that I feel healthy again. I don't feel sick and it's great.
Eli, Adam and I have been talking and hanging out. Adam and I even talked about cutting. Apparently Adam had seen my bandage one night when he woke up. Adam told me that he used to too. It was how he handled being Gracie, his "girl identity" is what he calls it. He did that and burning himself. It felt good that I wasn't the only one. Eli didn't want me doing it, but that was because he didn't want me to hurt myself. Adam understood. He got why I cut. Not just looking at the physical pain I caused myself, but helping me work through my issues. He's a great friend.
"Please, Eli? Can I please take the bandage off now?" I asked. Since it's been a week, most the bruises and cuts I have are gone. Some remain but they wouldn't last much longer than a few days at most.
"No." Eli replied. He was sitting a little bit away from Adam and me, and was resting his eyes. Adam and I were talking and I was getting to know him better.
"Please? It's been bothering for days now. The cut scabbed over." I asked.
"No, Clare." He repeated.
"Why not? What's the big deal?" I argued.
"It could get infected." He responded.
"It's scabbed over." I replied. "If I was going to die or lose my hand, I am pretty sure it would've happened already."
"Yeah, Eli. Calm down. She'll be fine." Adam pitched in.
"Fine." He stated exasperated. "But if you lose a hand, don't come crying to me about it." He stood up and walked over to me. When I didn't get up, he held out a hand. "Well come on. I don't have all day."
"Why can't we do it here?" I asked.
"Because I want you to rinse out the cut to keep it clean, since you aren't going to keep the bandage on it." He explained. I gave him my hand, and he lifted me up. I turned to Adam before we left.
"I'll be right back. So we can continue our twenty questions." I stated.
"Eh. If we could finish those later, that would be great. I'm kind of tired." He waved me off, while yawning.
"Don't you dare think this gets you out of it though." I warned.
"We'll just put it off for a few hours. Some of us don't sleep as well as you do, you know." Adam yawned again.
"Alright. Alright. Go to sleep." I agreed, and followed Eli. We made it into the bathroom, and I went to the sink. "Alright, Goldsworthy. Take it off." I demanded holding out my wrist to him.
"Fine." He sighed. We were silent while he quickly unraveled the gauze. When he finished, I pulled my wrist back and looked at it.
"I don't see what you are worried about. It's all scabbed over." I shrugged.
"You aren't getting out of cleaning it." He retorted. "I'm not risking you getting any sicker than you were. You scared me for a while there. I can't handle seeing you like that again."
"I'm fine. See?" I pointed to my face. "I'm as good as new."
"Hardly. You still aren't sleeping well and you are still getting nightmares." He stated.
"I would be worried if I didn't get nightmares. And after everything that has happened? It's a miracle that I sleep at all." I explained.
"I just wish you didn't have to deal with it all." He sighed.
"Hey." I spoke, putting a hand on his face. "There was nothing that could have been done. No one could have stopped Fitz or K.C.. I may hate them both, but honestly, I can't turn back the clock and neither can you. I have accepted it and I think you should too."
"I don't like seeing you hurting, that's all." He sighed again.
"I'm okay." I reassured. "I'm actually better than okay." I smiled up at him, moving my hand from his face to the back of his neck.
"It still happened." He sighed. "No one should ever do that to another person."
"I have accepted what happened with K.C. is in the past. I think it makes it a little easier to accept what happened with Fitz. As long as the panic attacks and episodes don't return, I have faith that I'll be able to move on from it." I continued.
"How can you move on from it, if you going to continue to be in the placements?" He asked.
"Eli. Don't worry so much. Just because I am in the placements, doesn't mean that I will be raped every single time. Yes. There is a good possibility, but not one hundred percent. I'm in a good place after everything has happened. Please don't ruin it." I sighed this time.
"I know. I'm sorry." He exhaled. "It's just you've been on my mind lately."
"Is that a good thing?" I asked.
"What do you think?" He smirked.
"I'd like to think that that is a very good thing." I gave him a smile. I pulled him towards me, and our lips met. After all of the kisses we shared in a few short days, it felt so weird not kissing him in over a week. I definitely didn't like it. So when his lips met mine, I didn't let them go.
I clutched his back with one hand and kept a hand on his shoulder to keep him leaning down towards me. He moved a hand to my hip pulling me closer to him, and using his other hand to cup my neck. I pulled him backwards with me, and lifted myself up onto the sink. He helped once he realized what I was doing, before I pulled his lips back to mine.
I had better leverage up on the sink and was able to be about the same height as him. So I didn't need to hold him down to me, instead I focused on running my hands over his chest and back. I ended up focusing on his waist, and letting my hands go underneath his shirt. Feeling more of his skin against mine, made me want to push further with him.
I couldn't help it. I wanted to feel more of him. I wanted to be closer to him. I began running my hands higher and higher under his shirt, making it bunch up. All I cared about was feeling more of him. Of being closer to him.
"Clare?" He asked, pulling away. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" I retorted.
"Clare. We can't go any farther." He stated, looking sad.
"Why can't we?" I asked, feeling confused.
"You know why, Clare." He stared down at me.
"Is this about my faith?" I asked, trying to understand.
"This isn't about your faith." He smiled and shook his head.
"Then what?" I asked.
"This isn't the place. They could find out. And even if they didn't, I would never want your real first time to be here." He explained.
"That doesn't matter. None of that matters." I argued.
"Clare. No. Not here. I promised I would get you out of here. I haven't forgotten about that. I will get you out of here. And you will have plenty of time to be with whoever, whenever and wherever you want." He continued.
"I don't care about the where. I just want to be with you, now." I sighed.
"I want to be with you too. Maybe we will be at some point. Just not here. Not now." He leaned forward, cupping his hands around my face, and kissing me. "Now. You still need to clean your wrist. Trying to seduce me to get out of it was a nice ploy but I'm not letting you off that easy."
"Damn." I mumbled jokingly as I got off the sink. I cleaned my wrist to Eli's specifications before we headed back to the room.
I think Eli got the hint that I needed the kissing. Granted, he seemed like he was willing to do anything to keep me from jumping his bones. I guarantee that if I had teased him enough he would've caved. I just didn't want to win that way. I wanted it to be mutual not me seducing him until he caved.
So I'll settle with make out sessions in the bathroom and when everyone is asleep. For now. But one of these days, I might just have to jump his bones.
