Chapter 28

It was three days later when Jack opened his front door and found Ianto standing there before him. Ianto was looking anxious, his features tired and drawn. His feet were shuffling slightly from side to side, and he was clutching the top of a small paper bag tightly in his right hand.

Ianto had phoned Jack earlier and nervously asked if he could stop by. Jack had agreed readily, feeling almost relieved as he'd been thinking about calling the younger man himself. He wanted to clear the air – he was leaving soon and despite his misery over the current situation, he didn't want to depart while things were so fractured between them. As heartbroken as he was, he wanted them to at least part ways on amicable terms. They'd been through too much together to come to an end mired in hurt, anger and regret.

Jack felt utterly despondent. He was mostly angry with himself, and not with Ianto. He'd wanted so desperately to move forward with his life, that he'd pushed too hard. Countless times over the last few days, he'd seriously thought about cancelling his trip and staying in Cardiff, in the hope that with more time, the situation with Ianto could change. But after endless consideration, he'd accepted that the truth of the matter with inescapable. Ianto simply wasn't ready for a relationship, and that didn't seem to be something that was going to change anytime soon. While a small and admittedly irrational part of him wanted to grab hold of Ianto and shake some sense into him, his more rational side couldn't, in all fairness, blame Ianto for his reticence. He couldn't even condemn Ianto for lying or misrepresenting himself.

He recalled Tosh's sadly spoken words so long ago. She'd told him that Ianto loved too much. Ianto's love for Lisa had almost destroyed him. As deeply as it hurt, Jack could understand why Ianto wasn't willing to take that risk again. While Jack was almost certain that Ianto did love him, he had to concede that perhaps Ianto didn't love him enough to take the chance. Or maybe the problem was that Ianto already loved him too much. Jack wasn't sure which possibility was more heartbreaking. Since the outcome was the same either way, it didn't seem to really matter anymore.

Even more painful was the knowledge that Ianto needed him. He feared what was going to happen to Ianto after he was gone, and he was profoundly worried that the Welshman would revert to his previous lifeless existence. The thought of leaving Ianto behind was unbearable, and he once again felt like he was abandoning someone he cared about. Except this time, he was walking away from the person he loved more deeply than he had ever thought was possible. He had come to the astonishing realisation that he was leaving the man who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The sharp and bitter irony of the circumstances was almost prophetically tragic.

"Hey," Jack said quietly, pulling his mind back to the present as he realised he'd been staring at Ianto.

"Hi, Jack," Ianto replied hesitantly.

They continued to stare uneasily at each other, neither of them moving. Several moments passed until finally Jack gave himself a mental shake and stepped back from the doorway. "Sorry… um, come in."

"Thanks," Ianto murmured as he tentatively stepped inside.

Jack closed the door and gestured for Ianto to sit down. Jack gingerly navigated around the packing boxes strewn across the living area. He was still getting used to the cane he was forced to use until he regained the strength in his leg.

He eased himself down onto the sofa, and Ianto joined him. Jack couldn't help but notice the greater than normal distance between them. It was only a matter of a few inches, but at the moment it felt like an unassailable chasm.

"Here," Ianto said as he passed the bag to Jack. He shrugged sheepishly at Jack's questioning gaze. "Didn't seem right to come back empty handed."

Jack took the bag and peeked inside, finding several of his favourite jam donuts. He was surprised to realise a slight chuckle had escaped his lips.

"These remind me of our first meeting at work," he said as he settled the bag down gently on the table in front of them. "I went out and bought all those donuts, hoping they'd help to win you over."

A trace of a smile ghosted over Ianto's lips. "I remember," he said softly as he lowered his eyes.

"I ate so many, I felt sick afterwards." Jack felt his throat tighten as he remembered that fateful day. "I never told you that," he added, smiling wistfully. "You were kind of scary you know."

"I can't imagine you being scared of anyone," Ianto mused, his expression suggesting that he too was lost in thoughts of the past.

"I was scared of you," Jack admitted with another small smile. "You can be quite intimidating when you want to be. I knew you were going to challenge me…" he trailed off with a choked laugh. "And I loved every minute of it," he added in a whisper.

Ianto looked up and met Jack's gaze for a moment before looking back down as his hands clenched tightly together in his lap. They sat in awkward silence for a minute or so.

"Jack, I…" Ianto began hesitantly.

Jack cut him off. "You don't have to say anything, Ianto."

"Please, Jack," Ianto said, looking up at Jack pleadingly.

Jack nodded and leaned back into the cushions. He looked at the other man and tried to keep his face in a neutral expression, not wanting to show the tumult of emotions he was experiencing. Ianto looked utterly miserable. Jack was somewhat mortified to realise that more than anything, he simply wanted to grab hold of Ianto and never let him go.

"I want to apologise," Ianto began in a low voice. "The other day… I was an utter bastard. The way I acted, and the things I said…" Ianto stopped and nervously rubbed his hand over his face, his expression filled with shame and regret. "It was despicable. I know you must hate me, but I want you to know that I didn't mean any of those terrible things I said." He tilted his head and met Jack's gaze. "I'm… I'm sorry, Jack."

Jack reached across and gave Ianto's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "It's okay, Ianto. We both said things we didn't mean. I'm sorry too," he said regretfully. "And I could never hate you."

Ianto nodded. "Thank you," he replied. "I never wanted to hurt you," he added a moment later. "I need you to know that."

"I know," Jack said gently.

They stared at each other for a moment before Ianto turned away and looked around the room. "You've been busy."

"Yeah. I'm just packing up my personal stuff," Jack explained as he looked at the boxes dolefully. "It's going into storage. Gwen's going to stay here for a while. The rent's paid up until the end of next month. She's going to take a couple of the pieces of furniture when she leaves, and she's getting Rhys and one of his friends to move the rest into storage."

"All sorted, then," Ianto said flatly, still staring at the boxes.

"I guess so," Jack agreed. He looked away as his eyes burned and he rubbed furiously at them while Ianto wasn't looking at him.

"When do you leave?" Ianto asked.

"Day after tomorrow," Jack replied, fighting to keep his emotions under control. "Eight AM flight to Boston."

Ianto nodded, his expression pensive. "Will you stay in touch?"

Jack looked at Ianto in surprise, but he quickly buried the tiny spark of hope that flared within him from Ianto's question. "Do you want me to?" he returned cautiously.

"Of course," Ianto replied quickly. "We're… well, we're still friends, right?" he asked, looking at Jack doubtfully.

"Yeah," Jack agreed. "We're friends." He smiled sadly. "I'll let you know once I've arrived and settled in."

"Okay." Ianto looked down at Jack's leg. "Are you all right to get to the airport?"

Jack nodded. "Gwen's going to drive me there."

"That's good," Ianto acknowledged. He stood up slowly, looking awkward and unsure. "Um… I should go."

Jack stood quickly and grabbed at Ianto's hand. He frantically searched for something he could say or do to sway Ianto's decision. "You won't change your mind?" he asked tentatively, knowing in his heart that it was futile, but he had to try one more time.

Ianto looked at him with sadness in his eyes. He shook his head forlornly. "I'm sorry, Jack."

Jack stared down at their joined hands. "I know you think I don't understand. But I do. I just… I wish things could be different."

Ianto followed his gaze, and then gently pulled his hand away. "When you were unconscious… and I was talking to you… I told you that I was grateful to you for what we had shared. I said that I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I don't know if you heard me then… I want you to know I still feel that way."

Jack tried to force his features into a wan smile. "Hey, me too. I don't have any regrets. I'm so glad I met you. I'll never forget what we've had together."

He stared deeply into Ianto's eyes and moved slightly closer. He reached forward and touched Ianto's arm. "Will you try to do something for me?"

Ianto looked at him uncertainly. "What's that?" he asked after a moment's pause.

"When you're ready, try to find some happiness," Jack said sincerely, his voice breaking. "Don't go back to the way things were before I came along. I want you to be happy, Ianto. Of course, I selfishly wish it could be with me, but if there's someone else out there waiting for you… You could make someone incredibly happy. Don't deprive yourself or that other person of the chance. Just… try to do that for me, okay?"

Ianto looked like he wanted to protest but then he gave Jack a slight nod. "Okay," he agreed.

"And if you ever need anything… if you ever want someone to talk to. Even when I'm on the other side of the world. I'll be there for you. Don't forget that."

Ianto nodded and gave him a weak smile.

Jack couldn't hold back any longer. He surged forward and enveloped Ianto in a tight embrace, just wanting to feel the other man in his arms for one last time. He felt Ianto's arms wrap firmly around him. They stood there for several minutes, each clinging desperately to the other, before Jack finally pulled away. He pressed a soft kiss against Ianto's forehead and then stepped back further.

Jack sighed deeply as he felt his heart constrict. "I'm going to miss you so much, Ianto. More than you know."

"I'll miss you too." A flash of pain passed over Ianto's features as he looked at Jack. "It was good, yeah?" he whispered.

Jack forced a smile to spread across his face. "Yeah."

Ianto was blinking hard, but he smiled back. "Bye, Jack."

"See you, Ianto," Jack managed to croak out around the lump in his throat as he felt his eyes well up again.

Ianto stared at Jack for a long moment. Then, seeming to make a decision, he stepped forward and grasped the back of Jack's neck. He pulled Jack into a deep and lingering kiss. Jack kissed him back fiercely as his emotions finally overwhelmed him, and the tears he'd been fighting to restrain began to stream down his cheeks.

After a minute or so, Ianto pulled away. He gave Jack a nod and a final sad smile as a solitary tear escaped and trailed down his face. Jack watched silently as Ianto quickly opened the door and slipped through. Ianto looked back at Jack one last time, his face a mask of misery, and then he pulled the door closed behind him.