Chapter 26: The Story on Page One

It began in Spooner Street at nighttime, then showed the Griffins/Mallques watching TV.

"We now return to 'Sherry and the Anus'." The TV announcer said showing an advert for the show showing the female lead hugging a disembodied human anus.

"And this is appropriate programming how?" Tyler asked questioning the concept of the show they were watching only to be shushed by Frank Jr and The Griffins.

The show began with Sherry opening the door in Anus's room, who turned out to be her brother.

"Anus, are you still up?" Sherry asked Anus, who was sitting in a chair at his desk.

"Yeah, come on in, sis." Anus answered granting her permission as Sherry walked in.

"Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend?" Sherry asked Anus.

"Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really PU." Anus joked as a laugh track played.

"Anus, I'm serious!" Sherry said to Anus.

"Look, sis. Sometimes, it's better to tell a little fib than to hurt someone's feelings." Anus told Sherry.

"You're the best!" Sherry said to Anus feeling better.

They both then shared a laugh followed by another laugh track as it then showed images of Sherry and Anus spending time together like as them sliding down the stairway fence, rollerblading across town, attending a birthday party with Anus blowing a party streamer and hiking through the woods as Sherry was carrying Anus on her back.

"Ah, that was good." Frank said having liked the episode. "That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth." Peter said having liked the episode as well.

John turned to Frank and Peter in confusion.

"I'm not gonna comment on that." John then said.

Opening Credits

It seems today that all ya see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good, old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely

Lucky there's a Family Guy!

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh n' Cry

He's

a

Fam

-ily

Guy!

End

The episode then began with the Mallque/Griffins having arrived at Brown University as the family stared at the school in admiration.

"Ah, the old alma mater." Brian reminisced.

"Whooaaaa..." Frank Jr, John and Tyler exclaimed in unison.

"Yeah, I tell ya there's something magical about Brown." Brian said.

"Brown's the color of poo!" Chris said stupidly before laughing.

"Yes." Brian agreed slightly annoyed. "Yes, it is."

Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years." Lois said reminiscing about her college years. "Everything seems so different."

"Really?" Stewie asked. "Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells."

Frank, John and Tyler only stared at Stewie unimpressed at his words.

Frank Jr, Frank, Peter and Lois took Meg and Persephone to the undergraduate admissions office for her meeting with the university's dean. John was also with them.

"You know, you didn't really didn't have to come with me, my sister, her son and husband and my parents." Persephone assured to John.

"I know. I actually wanted to see how this kind of stuff works." John said. "Besides, I always like to hanging out with one of my best friends. That includes you."

"Wow, thanks, John." Persephone thanked John flattered.

"And also because you're cute." John let out.

"What was that?" Meg asked almost hearing what John said to Persephone.

"Nothing!" John exclaimed.

"Excuse me. We're, uh, here to see the dean." Peter asked as he knocked on the door of the booth, which opened to reveal the assistant was actually the door guard from The Wizard of Oz.

"Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how!" The Emerald City guard declared before he was pushed out of the way by the actual assistant.

"I'm sorry. Can I help you?" The clerk apologize and asked the Griffins.

"Who was the other guy?" Frank Jr asked, but nobody answered him.

"Yes, uh, this is Meg Griffin and her twin sister Persephone Griffin." Peter replied greeting the woman to Meg and Persephone. "They're here to see the Dean of Admissions. And we'd, uh...like it if they got into the university." Peter pulled out a dollar bill and placed it on the woman's desk in an attempt to bribe her.

"Go on...take it..." Peter said.

"Wait over there." The woman told them showing their seats.

Peter, Lois, Frank, Frank Jr, Meg, Persephone and John then walked over there and took a seat to wait.

"My days in college were so exciting." Lois said reminiscing on her college days again. "This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends."

John then had a look of almost instant horror on his face from hearing Lois's story. He wasn't sure whether to ask Lois what she was talking about or mined his business when just then, the Dean then stepped out.

"You must be the Griffins." The Dean said. "Come in."

They got up from their seats, but Lois spotted something.

"Oh, psst, honey. You two got a little smudge." Lois whispered to Meg licking her thumb and wiping off said smudge off Meg and Persephone's faces, to the latter's embarrassment.

"Hey, you two something on your other cheek, too." Peter blatantly said doing the same thing, except he decided to do a spit shine instead.

Frank Jr then slap both Lois and peter for embarrassment, until he grasp a towel and some soup to wash Meg and Persephone faces clean of the spit of their parents.

Elsewhere, Brian, Tyler, Chris and Stewie were roaming around the college's campus passing by several students along their way.

"And this is Pembroke Quad." Brian informed the other three.

"Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited." Stewie sarcastically commented.

"I tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories." Brian said.

"Good memories?" Tyler asked Brian.

"Well..." Brian said as it flashed back to when Brian was a student at Brown.

The young Brian entered his dorm, only to be greeted by a sign over his bed reading "GO HOME DOG". He was then outside the university where it was raining and Brian looked at the school in outrage.

"COWARDS!" Brian shouted at his former schoolmates.

It then cut back to the present where the quartet was still on their tour through the campus.

"What-ho!" Stewie exclaimed spotting a group of lovely ladies nearby. "A veritable bevy of coeds!"

Stewie quickly takes interest in the ladies and decided to stumble over to their group to mingle.

"Um...I say, the most recent campus sporting event was most disappointing for our side, wasn't it?" Stewie said to the group.

"Oh, aren't you adorable?" A blonde attractive girl wearing a blue t-shirt and dark blue jogging shorts went on her knees to Stewie's height and said to the latter affectionately. "Are you in a fraternity, little boy?"

"Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI." Stewie joked making both the girls and himself laugh. "So...what do you think of this Music Television?"

"You mean MTV?" Tyler said offscreen.

"Oh, is that what they call it- AAHHH!" Stewie reacted to Tyler's sudden appearance causing him to jump into the arms of the blonde dorm girl. "Wha-What were you doing standing behind me?!"

"Hey, you're pretty cute." The blonde girl said to Tyler taken attraction to him. "Do you happen to have a girlfriend?"

"I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!" Tyler panicked running away from the blonde girl taking Stewie with him and running back to Chris and Brian.

"Pussy." Frank Jr said out loud for no reason

They then entered the school's physics department.

"If I remember correctly, this is the physics department." Brian said.

"That explains all the gravity." Chris said.

Stewie became interested again when something caught his eye, which was the chemistry lab. He checked inside and found all sorts of chemicals scattered around the lab.

"I say..." Stewie remarked in amazement at what he saw. "It's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchen."

Stewie then attempted to try out all the chemicals in front of him, but was soon stopped by a scientist.

"Hold on, little fella." The scientist halted Stewie. "This is just for big people. Why don't you come back in about, oh, 17 years?"

"Oh, but-but-but the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only two years a-" Stewie tried to reason, but was already kicked out (not literally). "BLAST! This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature."

Cutaway #1

It showed an auction where a laser was being bet on.

"Okay, our next lot is number 15 in your program." The auctioneer said to the crowd of bidders. "This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega death ray. It's got the power to enslave the entire human race. Do we have an opening bid?"

Nobody replied except Stewie, who was more than eager to have the death ray. Unfortunately for him, the auctioneer did not spot him nor did he hear his frantically exclaiming.

"Anything? We'll take any bid." The auctioneer asked. "It can enslave the human race- Come on, people. It's solid titanium."

"YO! OVER HERE IN THE BACK-" Stewie shouted as loud as he could say.

"Do I hear $100? $5?" The auctioneer asked. "All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime."

Still, no one seemed interested, except of course Stewie.

"No?" The auctioneer asked before seeing no one was truly interested in the death ray. "Okay."

Two handyman then carried the death ray and threw it into a nearby furnace, burning it. Stewie screamed in disappointment at the death ray's demise.

End

Stewie was then wandering around another part of campus without Brian, Tyler and Chris still upset about his stature.

"I'm tired of being small." Stewie said to himself before encountering a fortune teller machine that was in the middle of the pathway Stewie was on.

Stewie observed the machine for a moment and then inserted a coin in the slot.

"I wish I was big." Stewie said making his wish. The machine then dispensed a card as Stewie took it and read his prediction, which read 'I wish I could weigh people.' "BLAST!"

Meanwhile, Peter, Lois, Frank, Frank Jr, Meg, Persephone and John were in the dean of administration's office, who was reading Meg and Persephone's transcripts.

"Well, then, let's take a look at your transcripts." The dean said reading through twin's transcript. "'Meg and Persephone'. Hmm, that's not very impressive. I mean, it's just three letters. It's hardly a name at all. Also her twin is name by hades wife?"

"Wh, I-I-I never wanted to call her Meg or her sister Persephone. I-I wanted to call her Twiki and she-ra." Peter said to the dean. "But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. Y-You know who I'm talking' about, right?" Peter then immitated said character before being bonked in the head by John, knocking him out.

"Uh, shouldn't you be checking her grades or maybe her credentials?" Frank Jr asked the dean before turning to Peter. "Also, why would you name your own daughters after a TV robot and cartoon superhero?!"

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry." The dean apologized remembering what to do looking into the transcript. "I'm not quite sure you both are Brown material. Don't you have any extracurricular activities at all?"

"Well...I'm president of the Luke Perry Fan Club, Quahog Chapter and my sister is vice president." Meg told the dean.

"See?" Frank Jr said to the dean, who still wasn't sure.

"But we've wanted to go to Brown ever since we were little girls." Meg then said. "Well, actually, I really wanted to go to Wellesley, but my mom said I might as well buy hiking boots and call myself a lesbian right now-"

"Why would you-" John wanted to ask Lois, but he and Meg were cut off by Lois.

"Meg, Persephone eat your salad." Lois told Meg trying to shut her up.

"We're not having dinner." Persephone pointed out.

"Then just be quiet." Lois told Meg.

The family went home, but Meg and Persephone weren't accepted into Brown University.

"I have no future!" Meg fretted then got up from the couch and went for her room. "I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead!"

"I'll be in shortly." Stewie assured Meg before being slapped in the back of the head by Frank Jr, Frank and John.

John was easily irritated by Stewie's response, but decided it wasn't worth it today.

"Peter, we've gotta do something." Lois insisted.

"Why? What's so important about this college thing anyway?" John asked not understanding the situation.

"Because, John, if Meg and Persephone doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future they'll both have." Lois explained.

Cutaway #2

The cutaway involved two hobos fighting over a slab of meat while other hobos watch them.

"You ain't getting this meat." Hobo #1 said to Hobo #2. He was a white male with grey hair and facial hair wearing a dark gray coat with a white shirt and blue tie underneath, brown pants and a red beanie. "This is my meat."

"Shut up!" Hobo #2 said. He was a black male with a messy afro and beard wearing a sky blue short sleeved vest with a white shirt underneath it, blue pants and was bare foot. "I found this meat!"

A bell then rang as the two hobos then sat away from each other acting like their fight was a boxing match, complete with a now adult Meg and Persephone as a boxing ring girls as some of the hobos whistled at her.

But before it could end, the cutaway was then peeled off the screen and then rolled up by John and Frank.

"Actually, Mom, you mind if I take this into my room?" Frank asked rather eagerly all of a sudden. "No? Okay, thanks."

Frank and John then walked off into john room leaving Peter and Lois puzzled about his behavior.

Upstairs, Meg and Persephone was sobbing in their room upset that they will probably never get into college. Just then, Frank Jr, Frank, John, Peter and Lois entered their room to try and cheer up.

"We'll never gonna get into college." Meg sulked.

"You two just need more extracurricular activities." Lois reassured to Meg. "You could get a part-time job."

"Yeah, I had one when I was in high school." Peter said.

"What'd you do?" Frank Jr asked.

Cutaway #3

It showed somewhere downtown where a siren from the Ecto-1 was going off as it soon stopped in front of an apartment building. Peter and Jake then stepped out of the Ecto-1 as a Ghostbuster ready to take on the paranormal entity inside the building.

We then cut to an animated version of the potter wheel scene from Ghost just as Peter breaks in and busts Patrick Swayze's character from the film.

"That'll be $27.50." Peter charged.

End

"Come on, Meg and Persephone. There-There's got to be a hundred clubs at your school." Peter said to the twins.

"Well, I do have a friend at the school newspaper." Meg said.

"Thatta girl. A-And I got your first story right here." Peter said turning to Lois. "Lois, Frank Jr, I challenge you two to a race around the world. GO!" Peter and Frank Jr then dashed off except Lois, who didn't seem to get Peter's plane and Frank Jr's plane when they passed by through the window in a biplane while maniacally laughing.

The next day at school, the students working for the school's newspaper was looking for a new story to report.

"What we need is a picture for the front page. Uh, hold on a sec, I gotta rinse my retainer." Neil, who was in charge, said to one of the reporters when he took out his retainer and rinse it at a nearby water fountain. "I'm looking for something tasteful like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair." Neil then said suddenly in a charming gentlemanly voice before putting his retainer back on where he talked in his regular geeky voice again. "That was so sweet. It was wicked awesome."

Persephone and Meg then entered to talk to Neil.

"Stop the presses! It's Persephone!" Neil said joking. "I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox. What can I do ya?"

"Look, Neil, my sister and I need an activity to get into Brown and the paper's our last hope." Persephone explained to Neil desperate to get the job. "Can we be reporters?"

"I don't know, Persephone. You and Meg never seem to be that interested in journalism, or journalists, such as myself."

Meg sighed easily annoyed by Neil's advances on her sister. At that moment, John was passing by the newsroom.

"You know, I never realized how smooth the skin between your acne is." John heard Persephone's voice say as he looked and saw Persephone seducing Neil as she twirled her finger on the spot on Neil's face that was between his acne, to Neil's arousal and John's surprise.

"Okay, I'll give you a shot." Neil said accepting the Twin's offer. "I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor of Quahog. You get it and I'll make you a reporter."

"You got it!" Meg said accepting Neil's challenge and Persephone giving him a hug before them rushing off to get there first story passing by John in the process.

Neil then sat in his desk taking out his retainer and dipping it in a glass of water next to him. "Run, little rabbit, run. But someday, our two worlds will be one. *puts the retainer back on* I sure hope my face clears up by then."

John then stomped into the newsroom outraged as he then stopped in front of Neil's desk.

"Oh, hey there. How can I hel-" Neil was about to ask John before the latter delivered a punch to the former's face before it immediately cut to black.

Meg and Persephone then went to Quahog Town Hall where Mayor West was working at.

"Excuse me, Mayor West?" Meg entered Mayor West's office and asked the latter.

"How do you two know my language?" Mayor West soon suspiciously asked all of a sudden.

"Listen to me." Persephone insisted desperate. "Our entire future is in your hands."

"Are you Sarah Connor?" Mayor West asked Meg.

"No, I'm Meg Griffin and this is my sister Persephone Griffin." Meg corrected. "See, we need to interview you and-"

"You two are with the press?" Mayor West asked Meg and Persephone.

"Yes." Persephone answered excitedly.

"Well, you two can't interview a dead man...can you?" Mayor West then asked as he slowly rose from his chair and then immediately dashed toward the window to his right jumping through it and sent straight to the ground.

Meg and Persephone rushed outside as the paramedic team had already arrived and were taking Mayor West's supposedly dead body in an ambulance. Suddenly, Mayor West turned out to be alive as he waved his hand to Meg and Persephone, to their surprise and confusion and the ambulance then left for the hospital.

"What about or interview?" Meg hollered to Mayor West.

"Uh, Mayor West wanted me to give you two this." One of the people working in Town Hall came up and told Meg and Persephone handing them an already lit bomb.

"Uh-oh..." Meg exclaimed as the bomb exploded leaving Meg and Persephone with partially damaged clothing, messed up hair and a cartoon duck bill which was on the back of their heads before they turned it to where their mouths were, which was also gone.

"Of course you realize this means war." Meg said quoting the classic Looney Tunes line as they then stomped away from Town Hall to come up with a plan to get their interview with Mayor West.

The next day, in Town Hall, Mayor West checked outside his office swishing his eyes suspiciously seeing that the coast was clear. He stepped out and slowly walked over to the restrooms, which consisted of one for men, one for women and one for Mayor West himself. Mayor West decided to enter the one with his name, but soon resisted.

"No." Mayor West said to himself. "No, that's what they'll be expecting."

Mayor West then decided to use the men's' restroom entering one of the stalls and sat on the toilet inside. Meg then entered the men's restroom.

"Mayor West?" Persephone asked Mayor West.

"Well, well, Mr. Toilet..." Mayor West said mistaking the toilet for Persephone. "I thought you were in the Hamptons."

"No, no, no, it's me." Meg said. "Meg and Persephone Griffin."

"Young ladies, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances." Mayor West informed Meg. "What makes you two think I'll talk now?"

"This!" Persephone answered revealing she has a roll of toilet paper. Conveniently, the stall Mayor West was using was out of TP.

"You two just don't give up, do ya? You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender martini!" Mayor West asked Meg and Persephone. "You've got your interview."

"Thanks!" Meg gasped in delight and thanked Mayor West before leaving and then Persephone throwing the TP over to Mayor West's stall behind them.

"Hey, hey. Listen to this." Mayor West rose up on the top of the stall and insisted before talking through the TP's hole like a megaphone. "Do I sound like I'm on old time radio?"

Back home, Stewie was enjoying some Fig Newton's when Lois took away the box.

"No more treats, Stewie. You're gonna spoil your dinner." Lois said to Stewie placing the Fig Newton's on the counter.

"Ah, come on!" Stewie exclaimed as he went to the counter and attempted to retrieve the Fig Newton's. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't capable of even reaching them. "Oh, damn, my small stature! If I were big, oh, just think where I would be."

Cutaway #4

Instead of what the viewer/ reader would assume from Stewie's statement, he was actually an obese man in a suit where he was the owner of a clothing store, which he was currently doing a commercial on.

"Tired of not being able to find clothes that fit? I know I was." Stewie said to the camera. "That's why I started Stewie's Big and Tall Man Shop."

It then cut to a montage of Stewie helping his customers finding the right suits for them.

"If you're portly or tall, you'll find a friendly atmosphere brimming with personalized and expert service." Stewie narrated through the montage.

It then ended with a portly man stepping into the store with Stewie there.

"Hey, Stewie. How's the weather up there?" The man asked Stewie.

"Very fair. Like our prices." Stewie replied where he gave a thumbs up and wink at the camera at the last sentence.

End

Stewie still tried to reach for the Newton's when Tyler walked in and noticed Stewie's attempt to retrieve the cookies.

"Okay, since I'm a good sport, I'm gonna go ahead and give you some." Tyler said to Stewie as he picked up the box of Fig Newton's and handed them to the latter. "Just don't say anything about this."

"Why would you do this for me?" Stewie asked.

"I don't know. Being nice, I guess? You should try it sometime." Tyler answered before walking out of the room.

Tyler's act of good will, however, would only benefit to Stewie conceiving a plan involving him.

"I say...here is the solution to my troubles." Stewie elaborated as he took a Fig Newton from the box and ate it. "*mouth full* If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan, well, there's no limit to what I co- Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!"

Back in City Hall, Meg and Persephone were having their interview with Mayor West, but it wasn't going well as she had hoped.

"'Got milk?' That's a funny one, too." Mayor West said as he was thinking of what to say. "Oh, and, uh, 'I got ya diagonally.' 'Pretty sneaky, sis.' That one's also funny."

"Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use for my article." Meg said to Mayor West, who was then washing his hands when he spotted the water going down the drain. "Can you just please-"

"MY GOD!" Mayor West exclaimed in shock. "Someone's stealing my water!"

"It just went down the drain." Persephone explained, but of course Mayor West didn't listen as he was now over by a potted plant with a pitcher of water.

"They're crafty, I tell ya." Mayor West told Meg pouring the water onto the plant's soil. "It happens when you least expect it. SHOW YOURSELF, DAMN YOU! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money. But I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million."

"You spent public money investigating this?" Meg and Persephone questioned Mayor West's motives before realizing it was what they needed. "Thanks. You know, I...I think I have my story."

"Your story? Wait a minute." Mayor West realized what Meg and Persephone said as he tried to stop them, but she was already gone. "You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation!" Mayor West then turned his back. "Well, thank God they were just figments of my imagination."

Back home, Tyler was sleeping on the couch when Stewie entered the room with a jetpack-like device he made from a can of spray and balloons whie wearing an orange helmet. As he drifted to Tyler, he then pulled out another device and planted it to the back of Tyler's head, which turned out to be a mind-control device with the helmet Stewie was wearing acting as the controls as Stewie lowered the mic on the helmet to his mouth.

"Well, let's take the old boy out for a spin." Stewie said as he booted up the mind control device. "Eyes open."

Tyler then woke from his slumber, now under Stewie's control.

"Voice test. 'I'm Simpleton.'" Stewie then ordered.

"'I'm Simpleton.'" Tyler responded.

"'Eviscerate the proletariat.'" Stewie ordered.

"'Eviscerate the proletariat.'" Tyler repeated.

"'If you're blue and you don't know where to go to. Why don't you go where fashion sits?'" Stewie sang.

"'Putting' on the Ritz!'" Tyler answered sobbing in pain.

Stewie chuckled at his work. "Not my bit, but still funny. System off."

The mind-control device then shut itself off as Tyler went back to sleep.

"Splendid." Stewie said about to leave the room, but the balloons that were keeping him afloat got caught in the ceiling fan, resulting in him being flung to a nearby coffee table.

Later that day, Meg and Persephone entered the house having made a few copies of her story about Mayor West's investigation where Frank Jr, Frank, John, Peter and Brian.

"We did it! We got a great story!" Meg told everyone.

"So, what did your editor say?" Frank Jr asked Meg.

"Yeah, what did he think?" John asked also.

"Oh, he was gone for the day, so we just left it on his desk." Persephone answered. "But here. We brought you a copy."

Meg and Persephone handed both Frank Jr, Frank, Brian, John and Peter a copy of the story where they read it.

"Oh, my God! 'Corruption in City Hall.' This is amazing!" Brian said praising Meg and Persephone's work as they left the room.

"Here, let me see that." Peter demanded where Brian handed him another copy of the story as he analyzed it.

"Ah, this'll never get the twins on the paper. This is old news." Peter stated thinking the story is unoriginal.

"What are you talking about? It's brilliant!" Frank questioned Peter's logic.

"There-There have been scandals in politics ever since Thomas Jefferson."

Cutaway #5

It showed Thomas Jefferson getting a portrait painted of him and his family outside the house.

"Oh, uh, hold on. Hold on." Jefferson halted the painter before he turned to his wife. "Honey, let's get all the kids in this."

Jefferson then ordered 25 black children to be in the picture surrounding the family.

End

"Look, I-I know kids a-and this story's gonna put them to sleep." Peter said. "Now, Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots and their-and their Spirograph's and their Moby Grape and their 90210."

"You are so outdated, dude." Frank Jr and John then commented on Peter's statement dressing in early outdated 90's attire.

Peter spotted a magazine lying on the side table featuring an article about Luke Perry.

"Luke Perry." Peter said thinking of an idea until he got it. "That's it! Guys, I got my story!"

It then cut to Peter in him and Lois's room typing his story as the camera panned around him until it stopped behind him. Peter then took out the paper he was typing on and threw it behind him where it parodied the Steven J. Cannel Productions logo.

"Now to get this story on the school editor's desk." Peter said. "It's gonna take a portion of my cunning- NO! No. All my cunning."

Later that night, Peter went over to the school dressed as a burglar, except he didn't have a ski mask on as he tip-toed to the nearby window while he hummed the Mission Impossible theme for every bit of movement he made.

Peter then opened the window to the newsroom with ease where he spotted the editor in chief's desk with Meg's story placed on top. He swiped the story with his own as took out a lighter and set the real story on fire as Frank Jr then hummed climactic music.

The next morning, Meg, Persephone, John and Tyler arrived at school where everyone was reading the Griffin twin's story, to their delight.

"Great story, Meg and Persephone." One of the reader congratulated Meg and Persephone on their work.

"Oh, thanks!" Persephone thanked the girl.

"Way to go, girls!" Another reader congratulated the twins.

The twins felt flattered by all the praise they were getting for their story, but when they entered the newsroom, it got better as they were met with more praise from the students in charge of the paper.

John and Tyler were also happy for their as this meant they finally had something that could get them into college.

"Congratulations, Persephone and Meg." Neil came over to Persephone and Meg congratulating them and then giving Persephone a hug. "This is the most sensational story we've ever had!"

But all of that soon disappeared as Meg, Persephone, John and Tyler then immediately learned what the story really was, which it was an article claiming Luke Perry was gay.

At Luke Perry's estate, said celebrity was lounging in his backyard reading a newspaper.

"Luke! Luke, time for dinner!" Luke Perry's wife called out to Luke.

"In a minute, babe." Luke replied back. "I'm just reading all of their newspaper subscriptions." He then read a paper featuring Meg's "story" on the front page. "Oh, my God! Meg and Persephone Griffin?! You too are so sued!"

The scene then zoomed out from outside a TV screen where Peter and Frank Jr appeared again once again humming climactic music before the episode went to commercial, which there aren't here. So, let's just move on.

Later that day, most of the family was sitting at the kitchen table (except Stewie and Tyler) discussing about the current situation where they found out Luke Perry had filed a lawsuit against them.

"Luke Perry is suing us?" Lois asked reading the letter that was sent to them about the suit.

"Dad, how could you do this to us? We love Luke Perry!" Meg Griffin asked her father about why he did it.

"Jeez, Meg, you're wasting your time." Peter brushed off Meg's question. "Don't you read the papers? He's gay!"

"And he's also suing us thanks to you." Frank reminded Peter calling him out.

"Peter, you can't just print lies about people." Brian told Peter. "Luke Perry has a wife and son."

"So what? A lot of these famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about." Peter said brushing off Brian's statement. "Like Ricky Martin."

Cutaway #6

It showed Ricky Martin entering his dressing room struggling to keep out the fangirls that were grabbing his shirt and repeatedly tell him "We love you".

Ricky Martin then changed into another outfit, this time a blue tank top and jeans. He then went over to a dresser as he put on a blonde wig, some makeup and lipstick.

"One minute to curtain, Jewel." Ricky Martin's manager came in and informed the latter.

Ricky then adjusted his "breasts" and picked up a nearby guitar as he was revealed to also be the singer, Jewel.

End

"Meg, Persephone, I-I just wanted you two to have something to put on your transcripts." Peter reasoned with Meg and Persephone, but they didn't buy it.

"Well, thanks to you, we can put down that we're a big fat liar who makes up stories about people." Persephone said to Peter.

"Well, it worked for Walter Cronkite." Peter said. "You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened."

"Oh, yeah. But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie." Brian sarcastically informed Peter.

Meg broke into tears realizing there was no hope for her and her sister going to college.

"Aw, don't cry, sweethearts. I-I'll ma-I'll make it up to you two." Peter comforted the twins. "Y-You remember that pony you two wanted when you both were six?" Peter then dragged the twins to a closet, which got John and Frank Jr to rush out of his seat and then knock Peter out of the way to hog all the glory.

"Well, I bought it for a time like this! Ta-da!" John lied as Frank Jr opening the door to reveal the skeletal remains of what was the pony, to twin's horror. John and Frank Jr were left confused by twin's reaction until they turned around to see what it was where they made a similar reaction to what the Bad Wolf did he was inside the stomached of a lion in the Droopy cartoon "Northwest Hounded Police".

It then cut to Peter, Frank, Frank Jr, John and Brian on the porch moping about the situation.

"Aw, poor Meg and Persephone. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help feeling' like this is somehow my fault." Peter stupidly said.

Frank Jr, Frank then growled a bit to what Peter ignorantly said.

"No, Peter, its Luke Perry's fault." Brian informed Peter.

"What?" John asked. "How?"

"Well, if he were actually gay, Meg and Persephone would be all set." Brian continued.

"Brian, that's it!" Frank Jr said to Brian having come up with an idea. "If I could get a picture of Luke Perry doing something gay-like, it'll make people believe aunt Persephone and Mom's story is true!"

"Except it wasn't theirs's actual story. It was yours, pops." Frank reminded Peter.

"Not now, Frank." Peter told Frank blatantly.

"How the hell are you gonna do that?" Brian asked Peter about his plan.

"Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things." Peter answered Brian's question.

Cutaway #7

Peter was helping volunteer at a Sunday school teaching a group of children about what will happen next after death.

"And if you are pure of heart and deed, you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven." Peter taught the children.

The children were easily delighted of the concept of Heaven.

"I'm just yankin' ya. You just rot in the ground." Peter then admitted having a chuckle first.

This, of course left the children in horror.

Frank Jr came in and slap him silly with god and his son Jesus

End

Meanwhile, Stewie was using his mind-control device on Tyler and lead him into a hardware store. Stewie then looked through the window.

"All right, now walk up to the counter." Stewie ordered Tyler as the latter spotted the counter and walked up to it.

"That's it. Ring the bell." Stewie ordered Tyler, which he did as told ringing the bell three times.

"Well, hi there." The store's clerk arrived and greeted Chris.

"Good day, shopkeep." Stewie used the microphone on his helmet to greet the clerk through Tyler.

"Good day, shopkeep." Tyler repeated Stewie's words. "I require a hand-operated buzzsaw, capable of cutting through a human sternum."

"What?" The clerk explained confused by Tyler's words.

"It's for a school project." Tyler repeated. "I'm some sort of student sent here for... Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? Uhh...Latin class!"

"Uh, sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors." The clerk told Tyler.

"Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and-" Tyler repeated Stewie's threat upon the clerk until he suddenly stopped for a moment. "Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! Oh, bloody hell. Is this thing still on?"

The clerk was there dumbfounded by what just happened.

Back to the main plot, Peter, Frank Jr, Frank, John and Brian arrived at a hotel that Luke Perry was staying at to acquire evidence to use against the latter.

"All right, now we gotta be very crafty so Luke Perry doesn't recognize us." Frank Jr insisted as one of the hotel's bellhops came up and Frank Jr grabbed him to behind a nearby counter, beat him up and switch clothes with him.

"Frank Jr, how the hell is he gonna recognize us?" Brian asked Frank Jr questioning his flawed statement. "He doesn't even know who we are."

"Oh. Heh. Oh, y-Oh, yeah, you're right." Frank Jr realized as a baby wearing clothes that strikingly resembled the past version Frank Jr's walked by. Frank Jr was about to do the same thing he did with the bellhop, but John stopped him.

"Just put your other clothes back on." John told Frank Jr.

"Oh, right." Frank Jr said going behind the counter and switching back into his normal clothes. But Frank Jr change his mind he should wear new clothes, so Frank Jr grabbed the baby to behind a nearby counter, beat him up and switch clothes with him.

Like Perry was busy lounging at the hotel's pool when a hotel employee came up and collected Luke Perry's empty glass.

"Say, you look familiar. "The employee said to Luke Perry.

"Yeah, I'm that guy you wish you were." Luke Perry rudely told the employee.

Peter, Frank Jr, Frank, John and Brian then arrived at the pool to meet Luke Perry.

"Okay, John, as soon as I seduce him, get ready to snap the picture." Peter instructed John and Brian.

"Pops, you're-you're really gonna try and seduce Luke Perry?" Frank asked Peter making sure he was serious.

"Listen, Frank, I'd take a bullet for Meg and Persephone. So, I'm sure I can-" Peter told Frank.

"I'll do it." John then said.

"What?" Frank Jr, Frank, Peter and Brian asked.

"I said I would like to seduce Luke Perry instead." John said. "Persephone and Meg means a lot to me, too and so, I'm willing to do it for her."

"Well, in that case..." Frank Jr said where it transitioned to John in nothing but a black thong, to his chagrin. "All right, there he is. Go."

Frank Jr pushed John in front of Luke Perry, who wasn't paying attention. John felt a bit awkward and didn't know how he was gonna seduce the person in front of him. Peter then came up, took an ice cube from a glass an employee was carrying on his tray and rubbed it around John's right nipple, causing it to go hard.

Then it showed the Bad Touch gag from the Nostalgia Critic's Casper review.

Peter then took out an orange and a knife to cut the orange in half. He then placed the orange on John's harded right nipple to use as a juicer as the juice poured off John's chest and into a glass Peter had underneath John's chest. He then handed it to John and instructed him to offer it to Luke Perry.

"Uhh...thirsty?" John offered awkwardly.

"No." Luke Perry gently declined once again not paying attention to the two.

Not surprised, John then poured the juice to the ground while Peter came up with another idea.

"Jeez, the sun seems really strong." Peter said trying to imitate John. "Even for my already bronze skin."

Peter then squirted suntan lotion onto John's body and started rubbing it all over, but only on the torso area.

It then showed the Bad Touch gag this time from the Nostalgia Critic's Kazaam review.

"Ah, my muscles are, ah, look at that, they're all shiny with oil." Peter imitated John's voice again continuing to rub the tanning oil all over John's torso as he then turned the latter's back to Luke Perry. "But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs?"

Luke Perry was still not paying attention to what was going on in front of him as he was busy signing autographed pictures of himself.

"I don't think this is working, Mr. Griffin and Frank Jr." John said to Peter and Frank Jr.

"Yeah, this is gonna take some drastic measures." Peter said. "All right, get the camera ready."

Peter then went behind John and made a wedgie with his thong.

"Oh, Luke." Peter called Luke once again imitating John as he lead the latter to Luke Perry and showed his rear in front of him. Luke Perry, however, was more disgusted by what he saw as he quickly ran off and vomited offscreen.

"Mission accomplished, Grandpa. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting." Frank Jr said holding said picture in his hand.

"Eh, that's no good, Frank Jr." Peter said to Frank Jr.

"Uh, sorry, guys." John apologized for not cooperating in the plan.

"Ah, don't worry, John. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people." Peter told John. "And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France."

Back home, Lois was making dinner when mind-controlled Tyler came in with an axe. He rose it above his head as he creeped up to Lois, who obliviously avoided the axe while taking the food she had in her hands to the microwave. Mind-controlled Tyler then creeped up behind her again as Lois put the food into the microwave, which caused the mind control device on the back of Tyler's head to short circuit and burn out.

Tyler then snapped out of the device's control before discovering the device and realizing it had something to do with Stewie as he angrily left the kitchen, passing by Meg and Persephone.

"Hi, my beautiful twin girls. How was school?" Lois greeted Meg and Persephone taking the food out of the microwave.

"Just great." Meg confirmed still upset about the situation. "We can't even say our name without people asking us if we made it up."

As Meg, Persephone and Lois were having their conversation, Tyler was getting payback at Stewie for using him as a tool as Stewie ran for his life and Tyler was using Chaos Spear against him.

"How could Dad do this to us?" Persephone asked.

"Oh, honey, he wasn't doing it to you two. He-He was doing it for you two." Lois tried to reassure Meg and Persephone of Peter's actions where in the background, Stewie tried to fight back by using his raygun, but Tyler's Chaos Spear, however, vaporized it, resulting in Stewie defenseless. "He knows how much you two want to go to Brown."

"Well, there's no way we're gonna get in now." We're a felon." Meg stated having already lost hope in college.

In the background, Stewie tried to disguise himself and mislead Tyler, but it obviously didn't work as Tyler used Chaos Spear to vaporize Stewie's disguise revealing as Tyler chased after him again.

"Now's that's not true." Lois said. "Libel's not a felony. It's a civil't worry. Your father will straighten everything out. Come on. Let's go get our nails done. Tyler, take care of Stewie."

"Sure thing, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler gleefully replied to Lois ending with sinister intentions in store for Stewie. Until someone knock him out, stewie ran up to the stranger and ask,

"Who are you?" as the stranger looks at the football head bay with his red spike hair.

"A friend." As he disappears in a red flash.

Meanwhile, Luke Perry was taking a taxi to the hotel after running a few errands.

"Five Seasons Hotel." Luke told the driver.

"Hi, there. You, uh, mind if me, my baby grandson and my friend share a ride?" Peter came in and asked Luke Perry inviting Frank Jr, John and himself in.

"I don't think so, pal." Luke Perry declined.

"Oh, my God, I know you! You're Luke Perry!" Peter said pretending to be a huge fan. "You seeing' this, Frank Jr, John?"

"Uh, yeah. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Perry." John said.

"Yeah, you were great in Rain Man!" Peter sucked up to Luke Perry. "Like that-Like that scene in the airport where you wanted to get on the plane and that dumb guy was screaming."

"I don't think Luke Perry was in that, Peter." John corrected.

"Uh, he's right. That was Tom Cruise." Luke Perry agreed.

"Not in these movie theaters it wasn't." Peter stated tapping both his, Frank Jr's and John's heads. "Every time we see that lame-o actor, we put your head on his body."

"Uh, thanks." Luke Perry thanked Peter awkwardly. "It's always nice to meet someone who appreciates my work."

"Good to hear." John said.

"Hey, why don't you come over to our house so I can take a picture of you in a gay po-AAHH..." Peter almost let out until John elbowed him in the stomached.

"What?" Luke Perry exclaimed.

"He meant would you like to have dinner with us?" Frank Jr lied.

"Sure." Luke Perry accepted John's invite.

Back at the home, Brian was in the living room waiting for Peter and John to come having gotten the camera ready. He soon heard a car pull up and then immediately went over and hide behind the TV as Peter, John and Luke Perry stepped in.

"I'm tellin' ya, Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz." Peter said as all three sat on the couch.

"Really?" Luke Perry asked. "Shannon Doherty told me that once, but I thought she was just being a bitch. *looks at watch* Listen, I gotta get going'."

Peter then doused Luke Perry's tank top with the wine from his glass.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry!" Peter apologized pretending it was an accident where Brian then got ready to take the picture. "Y-You know what's good for getting' wine out? You two having sex."

Peter moved John close to Luke Perry and tried to remove Luke Perry's tank top.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, look." Luke Perry said backing away from the duo. "If you guys are gay, that's cool. But I am not."

"Right. We understand. Sorry." John apologized.

"Right. And even if I was... Come on. I'm Luke Perry. I can get a much better gay guy than you two."

"Hey, I'm just pretending to be gay just so I could help my friend." John talked back offended.

"What?" Luke Perry asked just as Lois, Persephone and Meg returned home.

"Oh, my God! Luke Perry!" Meg and Persephone said amazed that their idol was in their home as Persephone and Meg ran up to him.

"Uh, hi, Mrs. Griffin..." John greeted the girls awkwardly.

"I told you your father would explain about the article." Lois reassured the twins.

"Meg? Meg and Persephone Griffin?" Luke Perry asked, to which Meg nodded.

"Uh, Peter, I think it's time for plan B." Brian insisted.

"Way ahead of ya, Brian." Peter told Brian removing his shirt to reveal he was wearing a parachute with another shirt underneath as he pulled the cord and the parachute came out.

"That's plan B?" John asked.

"Don't worry, I packed my own backup chute." Frank Jr stated pulling the cord of another parachute that was on his front, which did the same thing. "Ah, crap!"

"I should have figured you were up to something." Luke Perry said having realized Peter's plan.

"Look, Luke, this is all my fault-" Peter apologized to Luke Perry.

"He's right, it is." John and Frank Jr confirmed.

"-I-I was just trying to help my daughters get onto the school newspaper." Peter continued. "Come on, you know what it's like being a teenager. You've been playing one for 30 years."

"Besides, here's the real story Meg and Persephone wanted to publish." John said pulling out the copy of the story he received from Persephone earlier and handed it to Luke, who analyzed it.

"Huh, Okay, so you're sure this is the real story?" Luke asked.

"I swear." John answered.

"Okay, that's all I needed." Luke Perry said confirming to drop the lawsuit. "But, hey, you gotta print the real story."

"We promise!" John promised.

"And this time, I want to talk with the real reporter." Luke Perry said going over to Persephone, who was more than happy to talk to her favorite celebrity.

"Yes, exa- Wait, what?" John said before realizing what he heard.

"Let's go, Persephone." Luke told Persephone.

"See, Meg? Things always work out if you two just do whatever you want without worrying about the consequences." Peter told Meg.

"Thanks, Daddy." Meg thanked Peter giving him a hug.

"Come on, Luke. I got my computer in our room." Persephone said to Luke leading him to her room upstairs.

Just as John heard that part, he then realized that Luke might take advantage of Persephone as he soon got mad.

"Persephone, keep your door open!" Lois hollered to Persephone as John stomped up the stairs.

It then cut to a shot of the house where John opened the door and threw Luke Perry out of the house.

"AND HERE'S YOUR COPY!" John shouted slamming the door behind Luke.

A week later, John and Frank Jr visited Luke Perry at the Five Season Hotel as he knocked on the door. Luke answered.

"Hey, Luke. I just wanna say I'm sorry for last week." John apologized to Luke Perry.

"Ah, it's okay." Luke Perry forgave John. "I figured you weren't cool about me hanging with your girlfriend. It's understandable."

"What? Persephone's not His girlfriend." Frank Jr said. "There's nothing-"

"It's okay. I figured you did it for her. I mean, why else would you pretend to be gay?" Luke Perry then said to John, to which he found himself unable to answer to that. "What's that you got there? Is it the real story this time?"

"Huh? Oh, no, uh, it's today's paper." John said showing Luke Perry what the story was. It was of Peter getting arrested for breaking into James Woods's high, assaulting two men and printing the false story about Luke Perry.

"Oh, uh, sorry about that." Luke said.

"It's okay." John said.

"Well, it was nice getting to talk with you. Hope we again someday." Frank Jr said

"Same here. Tell your mom and aunt I said hi. Hehe." Luke Perry greeted Frank Jr and John goodbye closing the door as he went back to his room. "So, babe. Where were we?"

It showed Luke Perry's wife in bed waiting for him.

"We were just getting to the good part." His wife told him.

Just then, they heard noises coming from within the walls.

"Baby, do you hear that?" Luke Perry's wife asked.

"Yeah, I did." Luke Perry answered unsure where it will come from next. "I'm gonna call hotel man-"

Suddenly, the ceiling vent broke open as it showed both Luke Perry and his wife from the perspective of a creature that crawled out of the busted ventilation that wasn't shown at all.

"Oh, my God!" Luke Perry exclaimed in horror as the creature then attacked the couple as it cut to black.

As it show Frank Jr dress as Randy Beaman! He walk out the griffin house into the four wall to talk to the audiences

"So my Friend, He ate what he thought was a chocolate bar, but it was really the teacher's laxatives. He poops tile July 01, okay bye " as he ran back inside for dinner.

The End