A/N: Hello hello everybody, I'm back with a new chapter! My lovely beta hasn't replied the last few days since I sent it to her so I'm going to go ahead and post it as I feel I've kept you waiting for too long. If you find I've made any mistakes please feel free to tell me ;)
This chapter is set a few days after the last as a quick recap: Eve is six months old, Katniss rang her mother and arranged for her to visit 12 to come and see them.
Hope you enjoy the chapter and what's to come. I felt like this chapter was quite long but was needed even though it's not hugely action packed as this was a relationship that needed to be returned to! Let me know in the reviews what you'd like to see happen from this point, I'm willing to take on any ideas.
Once again, thank you for your unwavering support in such a great community, each comment makes me smile and I needed them! Happy reading :)
~L.x
Peeta held my hand as I gripped his even tighter. I didn't know why I felt so scared and helpless in that moment. Things had been going so well recently and this was another that should be added to that list, however my heart told me differently. I couldn't help being cautious; it was a deeply ingrained habit now. Especially when it came to her.
Peeta squeezed my hand; a gesture I knew was his silent way of telling me to stay strong. Over the last few days since I'd made the phone call, I'd gone through a mixture of feelings. Half of me longed to see her face again, to hear her voice, to listen to her life now and find out more about her but the other half of me was convinced that she wouldn't be getting off the train, or have even got on it in District 4. It was terrible to doubt her, but after all her track record wasn't exactly pristine when it came to reliability. For that matter though, neither had mine.
I held Eve in my spare arm, bouncing her a little on my waist. She seemed content standing on the platform in the station, watching the people go past and cooing and smiling at those who did it back to her. I thought once again about how little she knew about this world, and her own family. She would one day, but for now she needed to bond with her Grandmother. It was a strange thought, that the person who could never be a mother to me was hopeful to be a grandmother to her. I pressed my lips to her forehead to remind her how much I loved her.
A far off sound rumbled on the horizon and eventually a train came into focus, slowing down to pull into where we were. I felt my heart thud through my chest. Why was I nervous? I shouldn't be nervous. I should be excited. The silver tube of the train pulled in close to us now, and the sunlight in the summer air bounced off it radiantly. I took a deep breath.
Passengers started spilling off, mostly locals. There were a couple obviously on business from other districts but not too many tourists. I scanned the crowd; my eyes roaming for her golden, graying hair, but there was no sign of her. My heart sank. She couldn't even do it, not for her own granddaughter. It was a painful place for her, I knew that too well, but it was painful for me too. I'd learned to concentrate on those living and breathing around me though instead of focusing on the dead. It was a dangerous place to let your mind roam. A slight anger ran through me.
"I told you she wouldn't come." I murmured slightly, turning to Peeta beside me but his eyes were focused on something else. I turned back, following his gaze until I saw her.
She walked off the train, trying to hold her head high and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She wore a pale green dress and lace-up shoes, and in her hand she carried a small brown suitcase that I vaguely recognised. Our eyes caught onto each others at the same time. I smiled. And it wasn't forced in that moment, it was genuine. The half of me that hoped almost she wouldn't come was pushed aside by the fact that my mother had made it. She'd done it, for me. For her.
Peeta gave a small wave as she made her way through the crowd towards us. The sun suddenly seemed ten times brighter and without realising, as soon as she'd reached us I broke from Peeta's clasp and flung my spare arm around her. She seemed shocked by the gesture but settled into it, before pulling away and nodding at Peeta. Then her sight drifted onto my daughter.
"How much she's grown!" she marvelled and these first words were the best I could have asked for. Her voice sounded so full of love I couldn't believe I ever doubted the inevitable connection that would come about for these two.
"Six months right?" She asked in bewilderment, looking between Peeta and me. I nodded.
"We're so happy you're here Mrs Everdeen." Peeta said, breaking his long silence. He looked it too; his face was alive with joy.
"Yeah, we are Mom." I said, smiling. She smiled back, but looked to the ground uncomfortably.
"Shall we get out of here and go home to some tea?" Peeta suggested as he picked up my mother's suitcase. She looked at him gratefully, but still seemed a little on edge as she kept glancing around her. I had to remind myself that she hadn't left 4 in years, even the trees and climate would seem foreign to her, let alone the people she may have once known, or the streets she may have once walked on. I put my arm around her and steered her away from the platform, as the three of us made our way home.
"How was your journey Mrs Everdeen?" Peeta politely asked as he handed her a cup of peppermint tea before giving me mine and sitting in his usual armchair. Eve was on the rug between us with pillows around her. However she was starting to try and scoot herself around now. I knew it wouldn't be long before she was crawling, and even talking for that matter. Delly had told me that Mika had said his first word by six months, and the fact that Eve hadn't just yet was making me a little nervous, though I knew I was being paranoid.
My mother couldn't take her eyes off Eve, even as she answered Peeta. Her face was glowing with pride, though she almost tried to disguise it.
"It was okay thank you Peeta." She said quietly, then finally broke her gaze to look at him. "Long and tiring as I'm sure you're aware of."
Peeta nodded and I took a sip of my tea, not knowing where to start with the questions. We made general chit chat about stuff going on around the hospital, and I'd told her how well Eve had been doing before Peeta left to go check on the boys at the bakery. I knew him too well to know that this was a coincidence, he was leaving us alone for some quality time. He'd offered to take Eve but I thought it was best she stayed with us. She was the motivation among other things to make my mother come back here. And I'd make sure she got as much time with her as she could. After a while, I put my drink down and scooped Eve into my arms.
"Hey Mom, do you want to come and see her room?" I asked gingerly. I hadn't offered a tour of the house, and my mother hadn't asked much about our lives here up until now, but I thought it was about time I tried to help her realise that 12 was a good, humble place, and that happiness could still be found here.
"I'd love to." She replied, and put down her own cup as she followed me out of the room and up the stairs. It felt strange; her presence beside me in mine and Peeta's home but it wasn't a bad strange. I pushed open the door to the nursery and stood back to let her in as Eve began to get a little agitated in my arms. She stepped into the room, gasping as she looked around.
"Katniss, it's beautiful. Who did this?" She asked, looking at the engraved stars and paintings of trees.
"Peeta mostly. And Thom, Gale's friend. He helped with the woodwork." I answered, proud of the room beautiful enough for my daughter. I would never get tired of looking at the details in the leaves on the trees and the colours calmed me.
"It's very lovely." She commented as she turned to Eve who was now wriggling in my grasp and beginning to snuffle.
"Eugh she's getting so heavy." I said quietly as I shuffled her around, trying to make her more comfortable. She'd been fed since we'd gotten home so I knew she wasn't hungry. I'd recently started blending some mushy food for her to eat, due to recommendations from Delly. At six months she was now able to handle things other than milk.
"May I?" My mother said nervously as she held her hands out for my daughter. The skin on her arms was now slightly creased and the signs of age were catching up with her in the light of the sunny room. I passed her over carefully, as my mother took her quite naturally to my surprise. She put her on her hip; one hand around Eve and the other around her head. Looking intently into her mouth and cheeks she sighed.
"Looks like someone's in their prime teething time!" she said as she stroked her curls which were growing longer each week.
"Of course, I knew it'd be soon." I whispered, kicking myself for not remembering something so simple. My mother seemed to pick up on the look on my face.
"Darling, when you have a child you can forget even the smallest things. It looks like you've been doing a wonderful job with her." I smiled sadly.
"Thanks Mom." Shifting on the spot, I wondered how to phrase the next sentence, I wanted to let her know how much it meant that she'd made the journey here without it being too difficult between us. The vision of her bouncing with Eve and talking in a soft voice to her gave me a lump in my throat. Maybe she could make up for not being there for us, maybe this time round she was trying to prove herself again. I cleared my throat.
"I...I know it couldn't be easy for you, coming out here and everything." I said so quietly, I wasn't even sure the words had escaped my lips. She stopped talking to Eve, and looked at me. Her eyes suddenly seemed like the window to the past; like I could look right through them and into a time not necessarily worse or better, but when everything hadn't happened. When we were all together. I swallowed hard. She seemed to do the same, and turned her head back to Eve. After a long gap of thoughtful silence she spoke.
"It was easier than I thought it was going to be." She stroked Eve's back soothingly, and Eve was starting to settle into her arms a little as she clenched some of the material of my mother's dress in her tiny fists. "This moment makes up for every doubt I had about coming here."
In my mind I realised that she probably had been heavily contemplating the decision to venture to 12. But she'd faced her fears more than anything, and that was what mattered.
"I didn't doubt you two, or Eve you know that." She started and I nodded my head to show her she didn't have to go on, but she did.
"I wanted to see you three more than anything in the world. When I saw how happy you were as a family back in 4, I just knew you were okay you know. After all those years, you made it." Though her gaze wasn't directed towards me, I could see she was looking at Eve sadly. I closed the distance between us and put an arm on hers.
"I'm happy, and I want you to know that this is our fresh start. Everything that happened in the past cannot be changed. It never will. But this is a different chapter of my life, and everyone else's for that matter. Everything has changed, but look at you now Mom." I said, letting out a small laugh, she looked up into my eyes and blushed. Talking this openly was something we both had never been good at, and still weren't but we had to try.
"You've got this great job, you're living somewhere else, on your own and doing it. And you're here." I added the last part with caution.
"She'd be so proud of you." I croaked as the lump in my throat became even harder.
Her eyes seemed to become shiny, and she looked away, but not before giving me a kiss on my forehead.
"She'd be so proud of you too." She replied.
By the end of the day, I was exhausted to say the least, but exhaustion was becoming a regular part of my days now and I could always function on so little sleep or rest. I climbed into bed with Peeta, feeling full and content with the evening.
"Are you sure your Mom's okay in that room? We've never had guests before, I borrowed the mattress off Thom." Peeta asked worryingly as he pulled me close into him. I nested my head in the crook of his neck breathing heavily and feeling drowsy already.
"She said she was fine." I replied. "I had a really great day with her." I confessed as I pulled the sheets down a little. The July air was stifling and the room was humid.
"I'm so glad honey." Peeta said as he stroked my hair. "What did you guys do all afternoon? I didn't want to ask at the dinner table, I don't know, I just thought it was less pressure to leave you alone." He added. I hummed.
"It probably was. We talked properly. We decided it was a fresh start for both of us, and we also took a little walk around the village after a bit of persuading on my behalf." I was shocked that my mother had eventually agreed as I'd presumed we'd be spending the weekend inside, which was okay by me though I felt it was best to just try and get her out perhaps.
As we'd walked down the streets, me pushing Eve in her pram (which I'd finally been able to use instead of carrying her now she was getting bigger), and my mother taking small but sure steps, I'd been surprised we'd made it out the front door. She kept her breathing in control, though she tried to hide it from me that she was struggling. I could tell she was fighting many demons from her past that were clawing through the veil in her mind to escape back into this place and fill the streets. But she'd kept herself focused, and even seemed utterly happy when we bumped into Hazelle as I was walking past the bakery. Hazelle had no doubt heard from Gale or Thom that she was back, and being fond of my mother, had wanted to see her anyway. They'd spoken light conversation for a while and my mother eventually relaxed into it. They'd agreed to see each other again before she left tomorrow night.
"That sounds amazing." Peeta said in awe. I hummed again in agreement. "Have you got a plan for tomorrow with her?" He asked, as a cool breeze from the open window drifted into the room.
"I'm not sure. I may take her with me to get some groceries in the morning, then probably just do some cooking in the afternoon before she meets up with Hazelle again. She seems really taken with Eve you know." I added on. Peeta laughed gently.
"Katniss, there is not a single person alive who couldn't look at our daughter without love. She's going to have everyone wrapped around her little finger." He chuckled at the imagery. I sighed.
"Just like her father." I replied, hitting him on the chest but he took my hand.
"Are you kidding me? With that kind of influencing power, she'll be all of her mother."
"Agree to disagree?" I asked, too tired now to put up a fight, knowing that Peeta would eventually win anyway. He nodded silently in the dark.
I quickly turned my head to make sure the baby monitor was glowing green, before drifting into another world.
It was early hours of the morning when I stirred, not knowing at first what had awoken me but suddenly realising it was what hadn't awoken me.
Eve.
I hadn't heard her cry in the last few hours, and whilst she was sleeping more and more, and even one time all the way through to the morning, something felt off. I looked at the clock and saw that it was four am. Peeta hadn't woken yet, and wouldn't be awake for at least another hour or two perhaps. I considered waking him as I felt myself panic a little, but I'd done this before in the night and she'd been fine. I decided to go and check on her all the same.
I crept into her room, only to find she wasn't in her crib. I had a flash of anxiety. I saw the red light on her baby monitor and realised it wasn't on. A creak from downstairs caught my attention. I ran downstairs and followed the beam of light that was casted through the open door to the lounge. Pushing open the door, I saw my mother cradling Eve in her arms as she snoozed contently.
"Mom? What's happening, I didn't hear her wake up." I asked, confused and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. My mother was in her dressing gown, and next to her the pregnancy book, and a diaper that had been wrapped in a bag ready for disposal.
"Sorry darling, I turned off her monitor when she started to stir. I thought I'd let you two sleep. I changed her and came downstairs to keep it quiet. That's when I found my old book..." She explained, fingering the pages with her spare hand.
"I don't know where you found this, it's very old." She smiled nostalgically at the browning pages. I sat down opposite her on Peeta's chair, more awake now than before and feeling a warmth inside of me at the words my mother had said. She really was trying to make up for the past, a different lifetime ago.
"It was left in a pile of some stuff I salvaged from the house." I said softly and she nodded acknowledging. Eve looked so peaceful and fit perfectly into her frailer arms. "I've been reading it ever since I found out I was pregnant with her." I confessed, feeling like I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't have. She beamed.
"I used it with you too you know. It was my safety net in a time when there was little to no medical help around here." She also confessed, and this sentence reminded me of how different the times we grew up in were.
"Yeah, it's been mine too, despite all the doctors. I liked to sit up late at night reading this when Peeta had gone to bed and I couldn't sleep." I played with the hem of the shirt I wore to bed, it was an old one of Peeta's and it still smelled like him. I yawned despite feeling wide awake now. My mind was whirring too fast. My mother looked at me.
"Go back to bed honey, its okay. I'm in the room next door to her I'll keep an eye on her." She said quietly as she pulled Eve up to her and kissed her softly on the cheek. I smiled. Maybe I should let them have this time together. My mother was capable, she no longer looked a little nervous like she had yesterday. I could trust her again.
"Okay. Thanks mom." I rose from the chair and stopped at the door before leaving.
"I love you." I said faintly, not realising the words had come out, and regretting them instantly. She couldn't possibly return them, she never had. Not that I'd ever said them in the first place...
The stillness of the air closed around me.
"I love you too." She answered.
The next day we'd taken another walk, and my mother had helped me pick out some ingredients for the meal we were making for tonight. She'd asked after Sae eventually when we went around the stalls and I'd told her about Sae, and how Gale was back from 2 permanently, and how Sae's granddaughter was now a good friend of ours. She seemed interested and nodded and hummed at all the right times but for the most part stayed quiet whilst I talked. A few people did double takes in the town, and a couple even went as far as saying good morning to her, but it never went further than that. Out of respect and shock at seeing her I'm sure.
In the afternoon before we started cooking we sat on the front porch as Eve sat on the grass before us, pulling up fistfuls from the earth and giggling with delight at the mess it made when she scattered the torn roots around her. The sun was intense, and I'd made sure to pick a shady spot for us, and to keep Eve hydrated. My mother had brought out lemonade and we just sat and enjoyed the beautiful day and the beautiful sight before us.
My mother took to the cooking well, and I ended up sitting on the bench in the kitchen and relaxing for a while as I let her take care of me. It felt unnatural but right at the same time and I knew this was what she needed. Just like when she'd stayed up taking care of Eve, so I let her. I realised that she must have learnt a lot of skills in 4 because she seemed to wander around the kitchen effortlessly, dashing ingredients in here and there.
By the time Peeta came home from work he seemed surprised to see her with a wooden spoon in the bowl as she scooped things into dishes. I raised my eyebrows at him when he looked at me questioningly, but he seemed pleased when I told him about our day. He took Eve into his arms before wrinkling his nose.
"You may be the most gorgeous thing I've met-" Peeta started but then gave me glance, "Okay, joint most gorgeous thing, but the things you produce are far from it." He said lovingly despite his words. I laughed, and a small laugh escaped from my mother too.
We ate a good meal again, and I fed Eve small mouthfuls of blended carrots. Before long she was beginning to cry again and this time I knew what was wrong.
"What can we do to help with her teething?" I said to Peeta, trying not to seem paranoid in front of my mother, but seeing my daughter in any kind of pain tore me apart, even when it was something so natural and simple.
"Have you got any of the ibuprofen left from the doctor?" Peeta asked, and his eyebrows too seemed drawn together and a little uncomfortable as he watched his daughter cry.
"Perhaps. I'll have a look." I said, going to make a move from the table when my mother stood up.
"All you need is a little Clove-oil, and perhaps a frozen carrot." She said as she got up to the freezer. I looked at her puzzlingly and she picked one out of the top drawer right on queue.
"I put it in earlier." She said, blushing as she produced a small cold carrot, and handed it over to Eve. She clasped it in her fingers and immediately chewed on it from the side, seeming more happy.
"What if she tries to swallow it?" I asked worryingly but my mother reassured me that it was okay if we were watching her.
"And as for the Clove-oil, as long as it's diluted in one to two tablespoons of another oil and massaged into the gum, it will work a treat." She instructed, and her professional side was coming out of her again. Homeopathic remedies had always been her forte. I looked at her in amazement and grateful that Eve had stopped sniffing again.
"I used to use it on you. You had terrible teething pains." My mother explained and Peeta looked impressed.
"I could get used to you being around you know." I said, and then realised the implications and what it might have sounded like. She took it the right way though, but looked sad again at the thought of leaving.
I tightened my arms around my mother as we stood back on that very same platform at the station just over a day or two later. It seemed to have gone by in the blink of an eye, and now that she was standing here again with the suitcase in her hand, and that look in her eye I knew it was going to be harder saying goodbye than before.
But this time we were better, things were better. I promised her I'd call her more often, and Peeta agreed that we would go and visit her in 4 again as soon as we could. It was strange, to any other stranger at the station we'd have seemed like any normal family who regularly commute to each other, but this was far from it.
My mother kissed Eve and gave her one last cuddle before blinking away more tears. She pulled Peeta in for a hug too, and then lastly gave me one, squeezing me sharply. I felt a mixture of emotions being back here again in this situation. Things had never been simple when it came to my mom. We both knew this standing here opposite each other. Eve even looked confused in Peeta's arms as she waved goodbye to her.
"Can you wave to Grandma?" Peeta said gently and mimicked the action before she did it. My mother seemed to have to work hard on composing herself at being called this name. I was glad she'd be left with this memory until next time.
"You're welcome anytime Mom, you know that don't you. I mean it, whenever you want to come." I reinforced again, feeling like I could never say it enough times to make her understand.
"I know darling. I wish I had more time to as well, but I'll make more time. I'll try." She said the last part solemnly. I smiled through my re-appearing lump.
"Good. We've really loved having you around, haven't we Peeta?" I said, turning to him, trying to get him to save me from tears, and he obviously read my mind, and took over talking.
"It's been lovely, it truly has. I look forward to seeing more of you in the future." He said sincerely, just as the whirring of the train indicated it was rushing in from the distance. There was some silence again before the train pulled in and she smoothed her jacket, tightening her clasp on the suitcase.
"Bye Mom. Have a safe trip home." I managed to get out, wishing I had Eve to hold onto to keep me occupied.
"Call me whenever you want Katniss." She spoke, taking one last long look at all of us, before disappearing off into the crowd again, leaving Eve waving to no one.
We stayed and watched the train leave before beginning to head back home. It seemed strange now, not having her with us even though it had been such a short time. I took Peeta's hand once again, and looked at the fading sky. The light was pink in the evening and the warmth was still in the air. And for the first time, in a long time, I didn't feel guilty.
