This was supposed to be a bit longer, but what can you do, eh?
28/10/16: The Most Patient Man on the Radio
With thanks to AnimatedC9000, who wrote the caller side of the second phone call.
For all your news and cog'nive bias! One three-three A double-S!
"Welcome back to the Larry Bohr hour. If you're just joining us, we've been discussing the recent attacks by 'PURITY', the speech by General Rausseman and the President's response to it. The phones are now open, and we already have a caller. Hello?"
"You know what, Larry? I blame the Jews! They-"
"...and that's enough of that. Next caller. Hello?"
"Hello Larry."
"Do you have anything to say about this PURITY incident, sir?"
"Honestly, I'm tempted to believe this is some kind of false flag. There's a lot of fellows about who really don't like people who aren't exactly like them, and this Nazi cock-and-bull story seems very suss to me."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Way I see it, we're dealing with a secret operation launched by the far-right, almost certainly supported by Moscow and funded by Wall Street and Sillicon Valley!"
"...you know what, I might have to let you go."
"We won't be silenced Larry, we won't be silenced! By the way, can I have the Internationale as a song request? It's just so-"
[Beep.]
"...okay. Let's take another caller. Hello?"
"Hey, thanks for taking in public opinions. I'm calling because there's... I think a little girl yelling in the streets? She's been doing this for three days straight. Keep seeing her during my commute to work. She's been yelling about the government and calling it names that I'm not entirely sure should be repeated on public radio."
"I see."
"She's been parading down numerous blocks with this... message, I guess. I kinda feel sorry for her."
"Hm. Can you tell us what the message was? I mean, with censorship, obviously. Can't...can't swear on the radio, y'know."
"Right. Uh, something about destroying them, wiping their family out, and Dib? Something called Dib. I don't-oh god."
"Hm?"
"She spotted me."
"I'm...maybe DIB is some kind of government thing?"
"If l-looks could kill..."
"Hm..."
"Look, I don't know what DIB is, but that child is observing me and she'sabouttocomerightthiswayoHNO-"
[Loud scuffling noise followed by long, uncomfortable dial tone.]
"..."
A deep breath.
"...okay, let's...let's move on, shall we? Hello?"
"..."
"...okay, he must be gone, I-"
"My name is Major Wilkus."
"Oh, hello Major Wilkus, what is your opinion on-"
"Your country just declared war on PURITY. I just watched the President's press conference on it. I just wanted to warn all the good and wholesome people of the USA to go to ground - you can understand that PURITY will have to retaliate and we don't want you getting hurt. Oh, and Mr. President - you're a dead man, you just don't know it."
"...I-"
"Well, you have a nice day, Larry. Bye!"
[Dial tone.]
"I...I think we ought to take a break. Um...coming up next, it's America with Horse With No Name. I'm Larry Bohr, and I'll be right back..."
AN: With apologies to John Oliver.
