Chapter 28
The hell fires singed Dean's skin. Tormented screams came from all around him as he watched the demons rip souls apart. He couldn't move, couldn't run to escape the horrors around him. He tried to call out for his angel, but his parched throat barely made a squeak. The scenes replayed themselves over and over again, as if stuck on some kind of continuous loop. He couldn't block out the demons' mocking voices.
"You're never going to be rid of us, Dean…"
"Your angel is never going to really love you…"
"Castiel is never coming back for you…"
"You're all alone, Dean…"
* * *
Dean's eyes flew open as he jerked awake. He could feel the sweat drip down his face and he couldn't stop his body from trembling. He swallowed hard, willing his heart rate to slow down to a normal pace while he forced his breathing to slow. He tried desperately to forget the graphic images he had just seen that threatened to continue to replay in his mind.
Then he felt a gentle hand on his chest.
"Dean? Are you alright?"
Dean turned to see Castiel's concerned eyes looking back at him. In an instant he remembered where he was and what had happened. They were safe at Bobby's. Jasper was dead. Everyone was now safe.
And Castiel had told him they had once been lovers.
"Yeah," Dean managed to croak between parched lips. "Just a dream."
Castiel's frown deepened as he leaned in closer to study the hunter's face.
"You're not alright. It was a nightmare. You're still shaking from it."
Dean tried to force one of his trademark smiles to make Castiel think he was OK. That the dream hadn't affected him as much as it had. But seeing the intensity of Castiel's gaze Dean felt any hint of a smile fade and he couldn't help but drop his eyes.
"I… just forget it. I don't want to talk about it."
Even after everything that they had just gone through together, even after the things Castiel had told him about them, Dean still was afraid to drop his defensive walls. He couldn't bring himself to believe that this man… this angel… could really love him the way he said he did. That eventually Castiel would leave him and his heart would be broken once again. Dean moved to get out of the bed, but his breath hitched as jolt of pain seared through his ribs. He heard Castiel let out a frustrated sigh as he grabbed Dean by the arm.
"Then we won't talk about it. But don't run away from me, Dean."
Castiel's words caught Dean off guard and he couldn't help but freeze as he turned and looked back at the angel. He saw Castiel still looking at him with that intense gaze.
"What?" Dean stammered in confusion.
"Don't run away from me," Castiel repeated slowly. "I have been honest with you, Dean. I've been trying to tell you everything. I want the secrets to end now. You don't have to tell me everything, but if there is a problem we eventually will have to face it. And we will have to do that together. And you have to at least try to trust me."
Castiel's words rendered Dean speechless. He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to come up with a response. He felt completely out of his element in this situation. For the first time in Dean's life he was with someone who he actually cared what they thought of him. He was with someone who had the very strong potential of breaking his heart and he had allowed himself to be put in this situation. And this person knew him better than anyone, and despite what Castiel had told him and showed him with the memories, Dean hardly knew anything about him.
And all of it scared the crap out of him.
"OK," Dean finally managed to choke out before returning to his original position in the bed. Castiel nodded as a sign he was pleased.
"Good. You should try to get more sleep."
"No," Dean said before he had the chance to stop himself.
Castiel cocked his head in confusion. "What?"
"I don't want to sleep anymore."
Dean inwardly cursed himself for not thinking before he spoke. The response had been instinctual. Castiel looked at him with even greater concern.
"Dean, you're still hurt badly and I'm not rested enough to heal you. We both need more sleep."
Dean closed his eyes, not wanting to see the angel's concerned face. He felt ridiculous, like a little kid who had been scared by a nightmare and wanted his parents' comfort. Except he was a 30 year old man who knew the nightmares were real, to some extent, and there was no amount of comfort that could change that. He needed to deal with the fear, but he was at a loss as to how.
He felt Castiel shift on the bed next to him. He guessed that Castiel figured that he had finally decided to try and sleep. Dean wondered if the angel was going to go back to sleep himself and felt his stomach knot at the thought. He didn't want to sleep, but he realized he didn't want to be awake all alone either.
"It was about Hell," Dean said suddenly.
He felt Castiel shift on the bed again, obviously now to look at him. Dean felt his heart begin to race and he didn't dare open his eyes.
"When Jasper drugged me… it made me think I was back in Hell," Dean said quietly despite the overwhelming urge to shut up. "And… I saw you… and you were going to leave me there… you didn't want me anymore…"
He inwardly cringed at the need in his voice. He felt ridiculous and mentally chastised himself for being so weak. That if he could just suck it up for a few more hours the sun would be up and it would chase away the nightmares. There was no reason to burden Castiel with his insecurities.
"Dean, look at me."
He didn't want to. He was afraid of what he might see. But after a tense silence Dean finally reluctantly opened his eyes and looked over at Castiel. He saw the angel looking back at him, his face full of emotion.
"I have given up everything for you, Dean Winchester," Castiel said quietly. "I allowed myself to be cast out of Heaven for you. I've disobeyed for you. And I've gone to Hell for you twice. Not once have I ever regretted making those choices."
He reached up and gently cupped Dean's face, making sure he couldn't look away.
"I will never leave you, Dean," Castiel promised. "I've made my choice to remain at your side so long as you will have me. I love you."
As a confirmation of his words Castiel leaned over and gently kissed Dean on the lips. It wasn't a passionate kiss, but more of one of comfort and reassurance. A kiss that, until that moment, Dean hadn't even realized just how badly he had needed it. When Castiel finally pulled away and looked Dean in the eyes Dean felt his worries begin to slowly ebb away.
"Do you believe me now?" Castiel asked quietly.
Dean hesitated a moment, his throat tight with emotion. Unable to speak he simply nodded. Castiel smiled warmly.
"Good. Now, try to get some more sleep, Dean."
"Wait…"
Castiel cocked his head in confusion. "What?"
Dean nervously cleared his throat. "Can… can you do the memory thing again? You know, like you did before?"
Castiel propped himself up on one arm as he considered Dean's words.
"I can… if that's what you want. Is… is there a particular memory you wanted to see?"
Dean nodded eagerly. Anything to delay going to sleep and anything that would give him more pleasant things to think about.
"Something happy… something about us being happy for a change…"
Castiel nodded in assent, a small smile on his lips.
"Very well."
He reached over and gently touched Dean's temple. Instantly, Dean felt the familiar pull and soon he was being pulled away from the little bedroom in Bobby's house and into Castiel's memories.
* * *
Castiel felt naked and incredibly vulnerable as he sat on the cold porcelain toilet in the cheap motel bathroom. Sobs shook his body and shamed overwhelmed him. Dean knew the truth. He knew what Anna had done to him and why. And now he was too injured to simply run away. All he could do was hide his face.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel whispered, his voice hitching in a sob. "You must be disgusted with me… I do not deserve to watch over you…"
He waited for Dean to tell him how disgusted he was. That Castiel was an angel and should be above those things. That he should know better.
Instead, he felt Dean kneel close by to him and gently cup his face with his hand, forcing him to look up and meet Dean's eyes. Instead of seeing the disgust he so feared Castiel saw a look of tenderness.
"Castiel, I am not disgusted with you… And I don't want anyone else to watch over me. Because…" Dean took a deep breath. "Because you mean everything to me and… and I think I'm falling in love with you."
Castiel stared at him for a moment, allowing his words to sink in.
"You… you're falling in love with me?" Castiel whispered in awe.
Dean nodded, never breaking his gaze except to press a soft kiss on the angel's stunned lips. In that instant Castiel felt his fears begin to melt away. That, finally, he could let himself love Dean without fear or guilt. And that he could rest assured knowing that Dean was beginning to love him too.
* * *
The memory slipped away… another began…
* * *
"It's about time," Dean said, obviously tired and annoyed. "I've been screaming myself hoarse out here for two and a half hours now!"
Castiel forced himself to push down his feelings. They stood in the empty salvage yard at the dead of night. And Castiel had turned away from Dean after the suffering he had endured at Zachariah's hands. And Dean remembered nothing of their encounter in Utah and couldn't understand the angel's sudden coldness. And Castiel hated himself every second for it.
"What do you want?" He asked solemnly, walking towards Dean.
"Well, you can start with what the hell happened in Illinois," Dean quipped back.
Castiel felt a bolt of fear shoot through him, but he shoved it aside. "What do you mean?" He tried to appear unconcerned by Dean's words.
"Cut the crap," Dean growled back. "You were going to tell me something!"
I was going to tell you the truth. I was going to tell you about Anna and Utah and how much I love you and how you showed me pleasures far beyond anything I had ever experienced before…
"Nothing of importance," Castiel replied softly, averting his gaze as he said it, not wanting to see Dean's face.
Dean stared at him incredulously. "You got ass-reamed in Heaven, and it was not of importance-?!"
Castiel felt another jolt of fear and shame course through him at Dean's words. The wounds on his back that Zachariah gave him flared with pain, a reminder of his punishment. He shot Dean a desperate look. "Dean, I can't," Castiel said with quiet earnest.
Dean stared at him and Castiel could see in his green eyes that he was desperately trying to understand, trying to figure just what had happened. Castiel looked away, not wanting Dean to see the shame and guilt. He recited the words he had been instructed to speak despite everything inside of him that screamed at him to stop. Told Dean Sam would become a monster. Told Dean that Dean was the one the angels believed could stop Lucifer. He left out the truths that Zachariah had told him to. That the Apocalypse would happen no matter what.
Castiel wondered if Dean would be able to see through this act. Would be able to see that the angel was putting on a front. Dean, however, was too upset to notice. Zachariah's script was having the exact effect on Dean that the superior angel had said it would.
"Stand up and accept your role," Castiel said determinedly. "You are the one who will stop it."
The angel and man looked at each other for a moment. Castiel could feel the mask slipping. He was afraid. Afraid that Dean believed him. Believed the scripted half-truths that he had told him. He wanted Dean to tell him he was a lying bastard. That he knew that there were other ways to save Sam. That he wanted no part in this war.
But he knew Dean was suffering. Was suffering under the guilt that his original role in the Apocalypse bore on him. Was suffering as he watched his little brother scream under the agony of detox. Suffering with guilt that he wasn't the man he felt his father wanted him to be. Castiel knew Dean wanted to be a hero. And Dean wanted to hear his angel say it.
"If I do this… Sammy doesn't have to?" Dean asked with quiet desperation.
Castiel looked at Dean, wishing he could tell the truth. "If it gives you comfort to see it that way," He let slip.
Dean let out a bitter chuckle and shook his head in amazement.
"You're a dick these days," He said bitterly, walking away.
Dean's words struck Castiel in the heart and tore it to shreds. He forced himself to stand straight and appear unaffected despite his grief. This was torture of the most heinous in nature. He was allowing the man he loved more than anything to suffer and only adding to his grief. It was wrong. It was so wrong. But what choice did he have?
After a long pause he heard Dean take a deep breath.
"Fine I'm in."
No… please no, Dean…
"Do you give yourself over wholly to the service of God and His angels?"
"Yeah, exactly."
"Say it."
He watched Dean turn and look at him, confused. Castiel wanted to fall to his feet and beg him not to. He wanted to run. He wanted all of this to end. But He instead forced himself to fix his gaze on Dean, but he knew his face was betraying him. But he also knew it was too late.
"I give myself over wholly to serve God and you guys," Dean said firmly as he walked back over to face Castiel directly.
"Do you swear to follow His will and His word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own father's," Castiel continued slightly rushed, afraid that his own will to continue would collapse.
"Yes, I swear," Dean replied.
I'm sorry, Dean… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry for this… I'm sorry I cannot protect you…
"Now what?" Dean asked.
"Now you wait. And we call on you when it's time."
Castiel met Dean's gaze until the young hunter dropped his head obviously exhausted. Castiel dropped his as well. He hadn't wanted this. He despised Zachariah at that moment for knowing just how to manipulate Dean. Castiel turned to leave, not being able to bear being in Dean's presence any longer.
"Cas, wait."
Castiel froze. He swallowed hard, not able to bring himself to turn around.
"What is it, Dean?"
"There's… there's something else I want to ask you."
"Yes?" Castiel was sure Dean could hear his vessel's heart as it felt like it was ready to explode from his chest.
"The last few months… I don't know how to explain it… but I… I feel like something's been missing… like I'm supposed to remember something that happened, but I can't. Do you know anything about it?"
Castiel thought he was going to physically collapse from the anguish he was feeling. He swallowed hard, barely able to choke out a response. "I… I have no idea… Dean, I have to go…"
"Not yet," Dean replied almost impatiently. He reached out and grabbed Castiel by the coat sleeve and forced him to turn to face him. "It's something about you… I know that much… but I can't remember what. You're telling me you have no idea?"
Castiel looked at Dean. He could see the confusion in his face. Castiel wanted to him in his arms, to feel the warm and gentle comfort Dean had given him so freely that night in Utah. He wanted to have one more kiss, something that would give him some assurance that Dean somehow still loved him, would always love him.
"I'm sorry. I don't know," Castiel replied quietly.
He quickly pulled away from Dean's grasp and walked away. He didn't stop or turn around despite hearing Dean call his name. A tear slipped down his cheek as he disappeared into the night.
* * *
The memories melded into each other in what was becoming a seamless blend…
* * *
Pain. Fear. Emptiness. He was missing something. The grace that had always been there was gone. Sliced out of him by Chuck's archangel. This was his punishment for disobedience. This is what happened to traitors. Your grace is ripped from you. And you fall.
I deserve this punishment. I deserve to suffer.
And there was Dean. There at his side, trying to help him. Comforting him. Swearing to be there for him always. As Dean climbed into the bed with him Castiel knew Dean meant every word he had said. Dean refused to let Castiel feel guilt over what had happened to him. He refused to let Castiel blame himself. And Castiel was reminded again just how much he loved Dean Winchester.
* * *
The memories were slipping from one to the next in a rapid succession now.
* * *
Castiel remembered the theme park as one of Jimmy's memories. It had intrigued him and now that the opportunity had arisen he had decided he wanted to go with Dean and share it with him.
Every moment Castiel and Dean shared at the theme park meant the world to the angel. He savored every second of Dean's attention and delighted in being able to share information with Dean.
It was one of the happiest times Castiel could recall every sharing with the hunter.
* * *
Seeing Lucifer had been both incredibly exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. Castiel felt the fallen angel's grace emanating around him as he sat and spoke with him. Had he been alone Castiel knew that he would easily have fallen into Lucifer's clutches without hesitation, desperate to cling to something that made him feel like an angel once more.
But he had Dean. And Dean was all he ever needed. And Lucifer had awoken the desire that raged inside the former angel and now Castiel could no longer control his need for the hunter.
Their kisses were deep and needy. They both had been sharing the same desires and now their defenses had been dropped. Castiel eagerly kissed Dean everywhere he could reach. He dropped to his knees in a submissive pose, taking Dean's member into his mouth, lavishing it with attention as Dean cried out with pleasure, his fingers gripping Castiel's hair and guiding his actions.
Their love making later moved to the bed after Castiel confessed his needs to Dean. And it was then they made love for the first time. It was everything Castiel had dreamed of and more. The bolts of pleasure that coursed through him as Dean thrust into him, marking him as his own. The climax they shared was intimate and freeing, causing Castiel to breakdown as it overwhelmed him.
* * *
The memory that began next was unlike the others. This one played out like it had been recorded on a camera.
* * *
Dean looked up from where he was sprawled out on the motel room bed. He was only dressed in his dark blue boxers and his short hair was disheveled from their previous activities. He smiled as he spotted the camera.
"What are you recording now?" He asked with a chuckle.
"I wanted you to tell me something that I wanted to record," Castiel replied simply off camera.
"Oh yeah? And what's that?"
The camera jostled as Castiel sat down on the bed next to Dean.
"I want you to tell me why you love me," Castiel said somewhat shyly. "Like you made me do the other day."
Dean's smile broadened. "Why I love you, huh?"
He stretched his arms over his head before settling himself into a more comfortable position.
"Well… for starters I have to say I just love that little angel ass of yours. That's just hot as hell, especially when you wear jeans!"
"Dean!" Castiel admonished.
Dean laughed. "OK! OK! I love you because… you're smart… funny… sexy… innocent…"
"How am I innocent?"
Dean smirked. "True. I think after what we did just a little while ago I can toss innocent out the window!"
"Dean!"
"I'm kidding! But seriously, like when I show you something for the first time… the way you get all interested in it like it's the most amazing thing in the world… I dunno… I just like that about you… and how brave you are… I mean… you've had to deal with so much crap, like falling… it just shows how tough you are…"
Dean looked down at the bed sheet and absentmindedly picked at a loose thread.
"And you pulled me from Hell and gave me my life back… and gave up your own for me… how could I not love you?"
The camera jostled again as Castiel dropped it and he leaned into the frame to kiss Dean passionately on the lips. Dean kissed him back while stroking his cheek tenderly. Castiel pulled away and smiled broadly before picking the camera back up and ending the recording.
* * *
Dean couldn't believe how many memories Castiel was sharing with him. They continued to play out, one right after the other.
* * *
Castiel was alone and afraid. He had allowed himself to be taken by Lucifer and soon his brother would carry out the ritual that would corrupt him, turning him into a monster. Hope was rapidly failing within him when suddenly his cell phone came to life and tweeted; notifying him that he had just received a message. Breathlessly, when it was finally safe, Castiel opened the phone and soon was opening the message he saw that had come from Dean.
"Hey, Cas," Dean said. He was smiling, but Castiel could see it was forced. "I got your message and I wanted to let you know everything's going to be OK… that me and Sammy and Bobby are all on the way to get you and get you out of there… I talked to Chuck and he told me where you are and how to reach you… that there's a passage way that leads to the outside… he said you'll be able to take out the demon guarding it… and then we'll get there and everything will be OK…"
Castiel could see the emotions in Dean's eyes and his struggle to stay composed.
"And, Cas… I… I um… I just wanted to let you know… that I'm going to be there for you… and I'm not mad at you… I swear I'm not mad… I was a dick and I'm sorry for the crap I said… I am… and I'm going to make it up to you… when this is all over… and we're together again… you and me… we'll go to that crazy-ass Jesus park again… and we'll go wherever you want to go… and I'll never let you out of my sight again… I swear it, baby… I… I love you…" Tears began to fall down Dean's face. "And I'll see you soon, OK? I'm gonna fix this for you, Cas. I promise."
Hope welled up inside of him as he looked at Dean's face on his phone. Dean still loved him. Dean was coming for him.
* * *
Castiel watched helplessly while Dean tried to shoot Lucifer with the Colt, but Lucifer was able to dodge the bullet each time. He saw Lucifer fling Dean against the wall, knocking the gun from his hand. He saw Lucifer pick up the weapon and study it carefully.
"Well, Dean Winchester," Lucifer said casually, "It seems things have changed."
Castiel felt his heart in his throat.
No…
"I was told you were the Chosen One, Dean Winchester. I was told you would be the one to save "humanity.'"
This can't be happening…
"You were supposed to be this incredible man. The only man who could defeat me."
I can't lose him again…
"Instead you only prove yourself to be a fool, Dean. A naïve fool who actually believed he could defeat me."
Not again…
"I am Lucifer. No one can defeat me."
I have to save him.
"And now, Dean Winchester, I will take Castiel and he will rise to power alongside me. He will no longer be a frail human like you."
Castiel saw Lucifer aim the Colt at Dean's chest. He saw Dean's eyes squeeze shut as he was unable to escape. Castiel cried out and ran to him. He shielded Dean's body with his own. He felt the bullet penetrate his back. He froze as the room became deathly silent. Dean opened his eyes and Castiel could see his shock and horror.
"No," Dean whispered in horror. "No… no no no no no…"
Castiel managed to choke out Dean's name as he slowly collapsed to the floor, Dean's arms wrapped protectively around him. He was dying. He knew he was going to die. And he had died protecting his one true love. He had no regrets about that. His only regret was not being able to tell Dean he loved him one last time before it all faded into nothing…
There! Ugh! That took me forever to write! *scowl* Oh well. At least I had fun going back and rereading the other stories! : )
If my brain decides to actually cooperate then I may be able to get one more chapter out today. We'll see! ; ) Regardless, I figure this is long enough to whet your appetites for a bit!
