XXVIII
"Nothing Ever Changes."
Chaos.
That's what his world felt like.
Saeran's mind was racing with fears and thoughts. He hadn't been able to escape them just by running away and leaving Lila behind. It was a fluke to think that he could just make it go away by leaving the princess. He hadn't gone back to work after that incident, he simply couldn't bring himself to stare at his monitor when these memories burned and chewed at his flesh. What was the point? Inevitably, this game was going to turn in the direction of the Savior, and the outcome that he wanted... seemed to be not the one he would get. He couldn't pressure himself to work towards the goals of paradise, not when he was like this.
That fact would surely enrage someone.
He had only been wandering the compound trying to piece his thoughts together, but he had noticed that the more time blurred and past... the more he could hear people searching him that. That leads him into the moonlight hours and outside of Magenta. They wouldn't bother to check for him outside. He had made it clear time and time again that it was Ray's place, not his. People would be searching for him... because of his power, because of the strength and tact that he brought to this place.
So be it if they came for him and tried to make do their will.
Let them try, he thought with a scowl. He would destroy them before they even had the damn chance.
"I should have just thrown her away," Saeran lamented as his foot dug into the dirt. It just wasn't fair for him to be bothered by all of this when he had been so close to checkmate. "I should have made her leave... I could... go back and take care of it. I have to do it to her. I have to... if I make her go away... those eyes... they can't haunt me if they're gone. I may be numb but... yet."
There was the sound of footsteps not all that far from him. Saeran ducked behind a bush before they could notice him, it was a trio of Believer guards that had exited the building together and seemed to be looking for something, likely him. Did they really think they were going to be able to use physical force to fight him? "Looking for me already, huh?" He muttered underneath his breath, unsurprised. "How dare they come. I'll get rid of them as soon as they try and confront me. Go ahead. Let's see if you can find me, idiots. I'll get rid of every single one of you that gets in my way... then it's her turn... then it's my family... then the RFA... and then..."
One of the men noticed something to Saeran's left, and he stared at them, expectantly.
"Someone's over that way," he said. His voice was quiet but Saeran could hear everything they were saying. "Do you think it could be him?"
"Possibly. But we need to be careful, Mr. Saeran can be rather violent when he wants to be. The only way we're going to be able to get the upper hand is if the three of us work together."
What a joke, he scoffed at their idea. They thought they could rush him like that? He dared them to think about coming closer to him, much less try to actually do it, oh, he would make sure that they understood that making that decision would be their biggest mistake. It would be the last thing that they ever dared to do wrong in Mint Eye.
The last guy narrowed and squinted his eyes as he looked in Saeran's direction. "Hey, you! Mr. Saeran, is that you?"
"...No. I'm here to tend to the flowers."
A new and sudden voice spoke up from the side. Someone else had been outside of the building this entire time, and they hadn't even bothered to make themselves known to Saeran? Better yet, why hadn't Saeran noticed that there was somebody else snooping out and around the building. That didn't add up at all. Who the hell was this and who did they think they were? Saeran thought.
"At this hour?" The man scoffed, "Identify yourself and your purpose!"
A blur of the mysterious' man robe caught the corner of Saeran's eyes. The man took a few steps forward to meet the trio and flashed his identification badge at the men. The voice seemed familiar to Saeran but he wasn't sure that was. "I'm Believer K709, in charge of looking after the garden. Here's my ID. I check the garden twice a month, during the night time as well... since the savior often takes a walk through this place."
After reviewing his handiwork, the men seemed to think little of this so-called gardener. The man in charge of the men only nodded his head, satisfied with the information that he received. "I see, you may carry on with your duty. Keep up the good work, if you happen to see Mr. Saeran, don't hesitate to call for backup."
The man nodded, his hood rocking with his head. "Understood."
Footsteps echoed throughout the grounds until the men were out of earshot. The man stashed his papers away and began to walk back towards the spot where Saeran was. Saeran assumed that the guy was going to keep about on his business, but he didn't do that. His eyes flickered in his direction, "You can come out now. It's safe."
Saeran was reluctant to come out. Nevertheless, he was undaunted by those fears, and he crawled out from behind the blades of grass and dense brushwork and dusted himself off. He stared at the man, and then he realized who he was because his hood was pushed back just enough to reveal the glimmer of mint-colored hair. It was that man. It was the one that had tried to infiltrate the building and stop Lila's first cleansing ceremony, and then he tried again to get in his way. Jihyun Kim, the man himself, how dare this man think it was okay to even come close to Saeran!
The hood toppled from V's head and fell on his shoulders. His face bore such a worried expression. His mint hair had grown unkempt since the last time he had really gotten a look at the traitor. "It's... me, Saeran," he uttered those words while standing in front of him like a sitting duck. "I... I didn't think I would see you."
Saeran's blood was nearly boiling. Alarm bells were triggered in his body's system. He had been trained for years to remember that V had been the one that abandoned him, and he believed that. V left him just as Saeyoung had left him. To think otherwise was to assume the worst of the Savior, and his stomach flopped every time he dared to do such a thing. His fists were clenching and clenching just to keep control of his emotions. He wasn't sure what he would do if provoked by his demons.
"V..." He spat, "You dared to come back to this place, you traitor! You know what. I should be happy you're back here. I could be the one to silver your head to the Savior on a silver platter."
His mind was a million miles a minute but that didn't mean he couldn't think through his pain just enough to know that he didn't like Jihyun Kim. V wasn't somebody he felt like he could trust. The very image of the man was burned into the back of his skull like a branded mark. It was like he could feel the very words that the Savior had told him over and over. If V thought he could come to this place, this paradise, and not get in trouble... not face punishment... he had another thing coming.
V needed to learn his lesson.
Despite the poisonous look that he was giving the man, V was staring back at with soft eyes. "Saeran... you've changed in a different person. Is it as I've assumed... because the medication that she's been giving you has... these side effects?"
"Who do you think you are? Don't you dare try to ask me questions or try to get inside my head again! You betrayed my Savior, destroyed my family, and you broke your promise to always be with me! You're a traitor! I won't listen to you! Don't you even dare think about walking out of this place alive! I'll tell you one thing and one thing only, I'm not Ray. I'm not that scared fool that hid behind Lila in fear of you! I am the strongest. I am the inevitable end that all of you will face!"
"I'm never going to lose to some loser like yo... ugh," Saeran clutched his head, suddenly. The pain was back and it was worse than before; His nails just into his skull and he dragged them down to fight the burning ache in his head. He felt like this because he had forgone his elixir, he was feeling the worst because he had been too caught up with Lila to take his medication, his body was fighting him because he needed his elixir and because he was facing the very man that had hurt him so long ago. "It hurts."
This had been building up for hours.
It was too much pain.
This was all V's fault.
He had been okay before this man had shown up. Things would be alright if V hadn't shown up int he first place. Lila would have had her ceremony. Lila would have taken her elixir. She would be a real member of Mint Eye, and she would be his property to keep for as long as he wanted. If V had never shown his face then none of this would have happened. He would have never had to deal with losing his toy to the Savior. He wouldn't have to think about how much delicious pain Lila would go through... he wouldn't have to think about how badly he didn't want some numb princess who followed his every word... this would have never happened if V hadn't started all of this.
"Fuck... it hurts..."
This was V's fault!
If V had had never abandoned him... if V had never hurt the Savior... or him... If only V hadn't been such an awful person! If... if... if... every question took him back to the same conclusion and it made him want to gauge out his eyes just so he wouldn't have to look at V and feel this sick to his stomach. If only there was something to make his pain go away! "Don't you look at me! Look the other way!"
With a look of compassion in his eyes, V reached out to him with his hand and tried to offer his help to the boy. "Saeran, you're not well... let me help you, please," he murmured.
That's what he said the first time. Look where it got them! This pain was endless but as was his existence. There was nothing but the pain for him. He lifted his head and managed to glare at V, "Don't you dare try to touch me! I have a gun... I'll kill you if I have to," he threatened. "Don't... don't try to trick me. I don't want your help, I don't need your help!"
"I know I don't have the right to face you. I know you've been through so much. I understand that you hate me, Saeran," V dared to take a few steps forwards bringing him even closer to Saeran. "But I wish to help you."
Saeran threw out his hand and pushed the man away with as much strength as he could manage to use, but it didn't make him go away very far.
He was breathing so very hard through his pain that it was hard to focus.
His lungs were burning. This is his punishment for not doing what he was supposed to do. This pain was because of his choices. This pain was because of V. This pain was because- because- because! He wanted it to stop. He needed it to stop. What would he do? What could he try? "Don't you dare touch me! I don't want your help! What did I tell you, you traitor?!" He spat in V's face, letting out a groan as something hit him. "My head... it feels like it'll crack into pieces... goddammit... it hurts! It hurts so fucking much!"
This idiot should have known better than to keep trying to speak with Saeran. He already warned him. He already told him what he would do. Saeran couldn't be blamed for what he might do. "Saeran... you're in a lot of pain. Please, I only want to help you. This... spot has become nothing but poison for you, and I never thought in my wildest dreams that Rika would do this to you. You don't deserve this suffering. Let's get you out of this place, and we'll leave together... together with Lila," V's voice was still ringing in his ears.
Saeran blinked through the tears that had sprouted from his anguish. Him? Leave paradise? He could never do such a thing, not even if he wanted. He looked at V like the man had grown some kind of second head, what kind of nonsense was he even saying? Everything that he said was a lie... nothing but lies... fantasies... things that he didn't mean. He had done the same thing when was a young boy. Who did he think he was to say such things to Saeran? To try and make him believe that he worthy of such a thing? Only to snatch it away?
Did he really think that he could trick him again? As if it wasn't already bad enough for him, V wanted him to think for himself.
Think for himself. Hadn't been what his toy said?
It was like Lila's words were still haunting him and it spread to others like a plague. The world outside of this place wasn't meant for someone who thrived on pain and punishment. That place for people who weren't like him. People that didn't know pain, people that lived normally, people that had done nothing wrong, people, that deserved a chance outside. He wasn't one of those people. He would never be one of those people that deserved that. It was a place for fools who still believed in their hopes and dreams. That wasn't Saeran. He couldn't ever prove to be that kind of person. All he knew was hatred and torture. It was what he did best.
"Are you mad? Have you finally lost your mind after all of these years? You have no idea what you're suggesting!" Saeran breathed, trying to understand this proposition and why V would toss it in his face. "You want me to escape? You can't be this ridiculous. I could never... I... I could... I couldn't... If I leave this place... I'll... I'll..."
He wouldn't survive.
Here was a paradise.
Here was safety.
Here he didn't have to fear failure.
He didn't have to fear being pushed aside.
This was paradise. Paradise... the Savior's voice echoed through his mind. Everyone outside of this place will only betray you, will only torment you. I can't trust that place. This is the only place you can ever belong and be safe. Here everyone is happy... everyone is free to show what they're capable of... here you can be strong, the strongest... when you're the strongest, nobody can betray you. Nobody can ever hurt you if you hurt them. They'll never think of doing such a cruel thing when they know you'll fight back. Think about how lonely and sad you were as a child, Saeran. You don't want to feel that way ever again, do you?
Here he was supposed to be strong. Here he was strong. No one could hurt him but why did he still hurt? The outside world was a place where pain existed and in paradise, the pain wasn't supposed to exist. He didn't belong out there. But it felt more and more like he didn't belong anywhere because he wasn't feeling as paradise dictated. He was hurting. He wasn't supposed to be hurting when he was strong.
Why was he hurting...? Why wouldn't it stop? Saeran can't listen to V, and he surely knows that if he falls for those lies again that he'll get hurt. He can't leave this place. He could never leave this place... not with V!
He begins to talk over the mint-haired man. "This is... this place is paradise! You can't trick me. I will... I can't leave this place. You're trying to trick me again... you can't use her name to sway me, either! I don't know who you think are you to try this to me again! You're just a liar who wants his way! You would hurt me again if I trusted you! Savior was always right about you, right about how much you want to hurt us! Why can't you understand that I'm happy here! Why can't Lila understand I'm happy being this way?!"
V's was pained. His expression had not changed. "Saeran... do you really find this place happy? Please, tell me that you're kidding. This isn't at all who you wanted to be when you were a child. You're huddled in pain and lost... you never wanted to get hurt anymore... you wanted to be better... you were once so bright and hopeful."
"Don't talk about the past to me," Saeran shouted, voice ripped with despair. "When you promised you would do everything for me! You said you would protect me! But you betrayed me! You left me behind! You left me like trash, just like that redhead!"
"Saeran... you were the one who disappeared. One day you were there and the next... you were gone. I had no idea Rika had taken you and hidden you away."
"Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Everything you say is a fucking lie! I don't care what you think! You left me behind and that shows how you truly felt about me! I was nothing to you! Nothing but trash to get rid of you! A burden! A problem! You never wanted to keep me safe!" Saeran clenches his fist so hard his nails are breaking his own skin. It was like arrows to V's chest every time that Saeran shrieked at him. He couldn't stop himself. He repeated it over and over, all that V was, all that V had ever been to him, all that the Savior had ever fed to him about the man.
V stared at him with those pity-filled eyes. He hated them. He hated that look. V was trying to trick him. He breathing lies about the fantasy and delusion he wanted to make Saeran believe. "Saeran, you were the one who disappeared out of the blue one day. I'm not sure what Rika has told you, or what she's done to you... but you were a bright boy. You had hopes for your future, I was going to teach you photography and..."
Saeran couldn't take it anymore.
He reached into his coat and pulled the gun that he had stashed away. He hadn't a lot of formal training with rifles and pistols but he had gotten the hang of it enough the last time he had been in control of his body that he knew he could blow something away if he wanted it badly enough, and he wanted to do this. He cocked it and aimed for Jihyun Kim. "Stop! Stop trying to fill my head with your pretend! You can't fool me anymore. You can't trick me anymore! I won't let that happen to me! That's right. Because I am the strongest! I should just kill you here and get it the hell over with. I need to kill you. I need to get rid of every trace of you before you hurt anyone else."
Saeran was resolute. There was no telling what he would do if V tried to come any closer to him. He could do anything to get rid of the pain, and he was strong enough now to do anything that he wanted. His hands were trembling but he kept the gun aimed straight at V. Even if he slipped, he would keep firing until the man was dead if that's what he had to do. It would be so easy to just get rid of him now... then, then his pain wouldn't be so bad anymore. If everyone was dead! If everyone was gone! He wouldn't be in pain if they were gone! They could never bother him again! As long as they were gone, maybe this pain would leave!
If he could see them in front of him, begging for their life, and for his forgiveness... if he could see the fear in their eyes... wouldn't it all be worth it? Isn't that all the Savior ever breathed to him? To live for the day when he was the strongest and he could hurt everyone who hurt him? Lila didn't shake in fear when he shrieked... and now, V wasn't shaking in fear, either. He was merely staring at him, unmoving, and face unchanging from the way that he looked at him.
Why wasn't V cowering?
Why was he just standing there like an idiot?!
V swallowed his fear. "Saeran, if you kill me then your way out of this place will be gone. You might not get another chance to escape. You won't be able to ever see your brother again."
Saeran shook with visible intensity. The sheer whisper of that name made him want to rip out his own throat. His finger rested against the trigger, and he dared V to say that name to him one more time and see what happens. "How dare you mention him! You know I hate him! I don't want to hear his name ever again! I'll kill you, V! I'll kill you, and then I'll kill him! I'll kill every single one of you that betrayed me! Don't think that I won't do that! I'll finally be happy with you both gone!"
"Saeran, please... Turn back now before you commit crimes worse then Rika has committed, you weren't meant to do things like this, you would have never wanted this," V took a step forward but it was a very small movement that made Saeran readjust his hold on his weapon. "There's almost no hope left for recovering what she's lost. But, Saeran, it's not too late for you to turn back from this! Please! Please, I beg of you. Please tell me it's not too late for you. That it's not too late to save you from this pain!" All V could do was speak to him with these words and pretend that he wasn't afraid. It seemed as though he was more than willing to die where he stood.
It was too easy.
Saeran hated easy. It wouldn't be the same if V wasn't on his knees or trying to fight him. This was too easy for him, this kill wouldn't be fun. "You're weak, V. It's almost too easy to shoot you because you won't put up a fight! Why won't you at least make it fun for me? It's the least you could ever do for me after what you've done!"
Jihyun gripped his robes and shook his head in anguish. "Saeran, you can't kill people. You will regret it if you do. You're a soft-hearted boy... you love plants... flowers... nature. You loved the sky."
"What are you saying?" Saeran spat, the boy he was talking about was Ray. The boy that he meant had been created with all of those weak loves and wishes and with all of those things close to his heart, he allowed himself to get destroyed. He willingly walked into the fire for his pain, and Saeran had to pick up the pieces and restore their strength. "That boy is gone! He was too weak to survive in this world! The strong chew up and spit out the weak, the weak side of me had to die for me to survive! I threw away those lame personality traits when I became the strongest! I'm a better version of that boy! I'm strong! I'm strong enough to do anything! I can do anything at this place! I can kill you! I can prove it to you!" His laugh was twisted and broken.
"...If you wish to kill me, kill me," V looked down at the ground at last with those ugly eyes. "Saeyoung will hate me no matter what I do. I'm the reason you wound up like this... in the end. I should have tried harder to see the signs before it was too late. I should have known that you nor Rika was okay. I deserve punishment for that. I should have protected you, Saeran."
"Don't say those names! Don't say anything names as if you cared about any of us but the traitor! You preferred him, didn't you? That's why you threw me away! That's why they always throw me away! Everyone wants that idiot! Nobody wants me! Don't act as if you care about me now! You never did, if you did, you wouldn't have left! Neither would have he! But you both did! It shows how much both of you really care about others, you throw them away like trash and get scared when you have to see me ready to kill you! Are you not scared of dying? Is that why you utter his name? Is that why you're standing there hiding your fear of me?! You keep lying to me even till the end! You say you care! You say he cared! It's lies! That scum doesn't care about me. He never did. He got his life how he liked it and he lives out there having fun knowing he left me behind to rot in that house!"
"Saeran, you are mistaken about Saeyoung's choices. Please, if you leave this place, I can explain everything to you." V said.
"Don't act like you're my Savior! Stop talking to me! I'll pull this trigger! I'll kill you- I'll kill you, you traitor!" He spat.
V was quiet for a moment. Saeran thought that he finally got the hint, but then he went and said even more dangerous things to him. "I know you care for Lila more then you care for any of us. Lila wants you to escape this place. Let's leave this place together, with Lila. You can leave this place with her. You can, Saeran, you just have to take my hand and... trust one more time. Then you don't have to see me again. You'll be much better off away from this group as long as Lila is at your side, I've come to understand that."
"Don't talk about my toy," Saeran hissed, venom dripping. "You don't care about my toy, either. You're just trying to use her to get me to listen to you! She doesn't deserve to think about me if that's the kind of thing you think she aspires for! That idiot! That airhead! That girl! She would have never have spoken to you! She knows I hate you! She would never say stupid things with you close by!"
Lila wasn't that dumb... but God knows what she did when he didn't watch her! She was a thorn in his side. But she wasn't anything to him, and he had been telling himself that for weeks. She wasn't anything but a toy and he could never have her at his side out of this place. She wasn't anything but a toy that that idiot Ray had lead to this place. She was only here to serve a higher purpose.
He didn't have to care about her or anything! She was just like V. She didn't deserve to look at him with those eyes of hers. He didn't want or need her pity. Just as he didn't want anything to do with Jihyun Kim.
There were only a few things he needed from that girl while she was in this place. She just needed to grovel for him. She needed to be there so he could feel that warmth and be replenished with rage. She had to be by his side in paradise so he wasn't numb. Lila could exist in the outside world on her own she had proven that to him. He had seen what she let happen to herself and how she turned her world upside down. Lila could survive unlike him.
He feared that if she did take a chance like the one that V offered that his chest would cave. Would Lila leave with V if she heard this offer? If she was gone from paradise... if he couldn't hold her close anymore... if she wasn't here for him than he would... he would...!
He couldn't stand this burning feeling in his once numb chest.
For the first time, he was feeling something besides blind fury and numb indifference and it scared the living shit out of him.
His fingers shook against the gun and he hesitated for the first time that night. "If she... if that idiot escapes the Mint Eye now... If she... leaves this place... she'll be happy once again... unlike me." Pain swirled in his eyes and he couldn't breathe. "She's made for that world. I could never survive in a world where Lila flourishes... I'm... I'm a monster... I'm numb even now without her by my side... she can't leave... Once she's gone... once she leaves... there's no hope for me."
Saeran couldn't think about leaving with Lila. He could never just leave with her at his side like that. He could never make her happy. He could never be the kind of person she trusts. She would leave him if they left this place for someone much better than him. It was only a matter of time... it was only a matter of time until she left him. Everybody left him.
He couldn't bring himself to think about leaving with Lila because all he could see was Lila leaving him. Leaving... him behind. What was he thinking? What was he doing right now? Why was he thinking about this stuff? Was he really even trying to think about leaving this place? This was a true paradise. This was where he was meant to be... right? This was what he wanted? Why couldn't his head accept it...? Saeran shook away these thoughts as hard as could.
But the pervasive and intrusive thought kept striking him: Lila would be happier outside of this place.
"I can't... I won't leave... I can't... I never... ugh, this is all... stupid." Saeran dropped his hands from his head and spared a wild look at the mint-haired man. His legs had come back to him, and he shoved his gun back inside of its holster, unable to bring himself to end the man now of all times. "Why don't you just take Lila and get lost with her if you want to get out of this place?!"
Saeran bolted out of that spot.
"Saeran, wait!" V called after him.
But Saeran didn't look back.
V stayed in that spot just staring after Saeran until he couldn't see him any longer. The boy was seemingly all over the place, and most of what he said didn't align with his choices. It was clear that Saeran did not like him, and it was clear that Saeran wanted nothing to do with him. It hurt him to know that, but he could only feel as though he deserved that knife in the back. He should have done more to protect him, and like Lila had been pressing him for days... he should have trusted in his friends to help him, no matter how much they might have hated him. It would have meant that Saeran could have safe, but he couldn't linger on the what-ifs.
He had to take action.
He raked his hands through his hair. "Saeran... I can't fathom the magnitude of your pain. You were hurt so badly... was it devastating enough to make you forsake yourself like that? He would rather be stuck here then... Hah... What do I do? I must get him out of here before their father finds out about this place."
If he couldn't get Saeran out of this place...
No.
V could not allow himself to become overwhelmed. He had to think this through, and that meant that he had to think on his feet, and fast. Everyone was out to get Saeran. He couldn't last long with the entire compound looking for him. He could only last so long with his pain taking him further and further from his own awareness. What to do? What to do, indeed. He should try to get into contact with Lila. V began to walk and tried to secure a spot that would keep him out of prying ears of the other Believers.
"...I can't believe it actually worked, I didn't think it would let me speak to you, much less have a decent signal," was the first thing out of V's lips once he had found a spot to test out his phone. It was worth a shot, he had thought, to try and get in touch with Lila. If Saeran wasn't working on the computer, that meant that there might have been some cracks in what he was doing to stop Lila from reaching the RFA. It might have been just enough to get a message out. He rang her, and he was very surprised to see that she picked up after the first couple of her rings. Her voice wasn't exactly clear but it was well enough that they could speak. "Lila, are you alright?"
"Yes... I'm still okay. I don't know how you managed to reach me, though. I thought Saeran had put a seal on what he did to my phone, I'm so happy to hear your voice, again." Lila breathed, she sounded so very tired. It was no different than the last time they spoke to one another. "V, are you alright? A lot more has happened since we spoke. I don't know how long this will work so I'll be fast. Saeran has gone missing. He came to me and we had a little spat when I tried to get him to listen to me, and then he just... ran off. Apparently, he's not in the intelligence room. Nobody knows where he is, or where he might have gotten to. I'm so worried about him."
That explained why the guards had been on the hunt for him. He hadn't been sure why that was happening, but he was right to protect Saeran from their intentions. He glanced left, and then right. It seemed like he was still alone. He could spare a moment with Lila, he wanted to calm her nerves. "You see, Lila... I met with Saeran... a while ago."
She let out a gasp. "You did? Is he okay? Rika's got the entire place on the lookout for him. I thought he was doomed. I can't do anything while I'm trapped inside this room. I have no doubt she's going to punish him if she gets her hands on him, is he... where has he gone, V? What happened? Was he hurt? Was he upset? You might not be well, either. Are you okay...? He doesn't exactly have good feelings about anyone from his past after they conditioned him, and right now... he's so unstable...!"
Lila was so concerned for Saeran. He could hear how distraught she was.
In the beginning, when he realized that Lila was in this place with Saeran, and Rika... he assumed that she was being taken advantage of and they were tricking her. That wasn't wrong... exactly. They did try to use her to do the dirty business, but she always managed to avoid causing as much damage as possible. At the same time, she held Saeran... Ray... whoever he was at that moment, very close her heart, and refused to let him leave behind. She always thought about him first. Even when they first met face to face, Lila hesitated to leave him, and she stood in front of him to protect him from the wounds of the world that he suffered from.
She truly cared about Saeran.
And... he felt as though despite how much Saeran tried to deny it, the boy cared about her just the same.
That's why he hesitated, and that's why screamed at V to take the girl instead of him.
He wanted to believe that.
"I'm not sure... how well he is. He seemed to very confused and struggling with something. I thought that... it might be a good time to try and speak with him, to try and persuade him to leave this place but... I should have known it wouldn't be easy. The Saeran that I once knew isn't there... the child that I saw, seemed so different from the one I once knew. It's unimaginably devasting to me... and I feel such guilt for not stepping in sooner and helping him escape this place." V took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.
V held his head in his hands and tried to go through all of the memories still fresh in his mind. His voice was heavy with grief, and pain, as he tried to explain to Lila what had happened. "He screamed at me for such a long time... his body shaking... looking at me with such disgust... it hurt me... No matter how much I tried to get him to listen to me, he kept refusing my aid. His rough and violent behavior only seemed to get worse. He was even willing to go as far to... pull a gun on me to make me leave him alone. I don't know what happened to him when I lost him. I don't know what could have made the warm-hearted child that I knew twist into such a painful person. Rika and I... what we both have done to this innocent child... I can't forgive myself for allowing this to happen... for thinking it wasn't this bad."
Lila couldn't stop a gasp. She strangled back her own sob and caught her breath. "I'm so sorry, V... I didn't think... I never thought... that he would try to... oh my God."
"I haven't... totally lost hope in his fate." He murmured, thinking back to the way that Saeran twisted when Lila was brought up. How his eyes flickered left and left, and he became tongue-tied for the first time. V didn't want to cause her any more alarm then she was already under, but he had to express this feeling and idea he had to save the boy. "When I asked... if he were to leave this place with you, he hesitated for the first time. It was only a moment, but I saw hope in that."
There was an uncertainty in his gut. It was a long shot that he had planned, but it was the only thing that he could come up with. It was the last shred of hope for both of them to get out of this place, far, far away from Rika.
"Lila, I... plan to bet everything on his hesitation. In order to do so, I need your help desperately."
"I'll do it. Whatever it is you need me to do, I'll do it for Saeran." Lila responded, no hesitation in her voice as she spoke. "I'll do anything to ensure Saeran's safety." Her voice was sincere as it had ever been and he knew that she meant what she was saying to him. She had never failed to try to help him before, she had been trying for as long as she had known him. V was relieved to hear this, nevertheless, because for this to work, he needed to have faith in Lila and what she could do.
With Lila and Saeran safe, he wouldn't have as much fear when it came to this place. It didn't matter that Rika had amassed more people, or that she was building herself into a tower that he could never reach. As long as he knew that those hurt by her were safe, he could attend to the mess that he had caused in the first place.
With a deep breath, "You should hold his hand tightly, and keep fighting for him...Saeran needs you. He doesn't seem to know who to trust anymore from those that have known him the longest. But... he very may well listen to you. His hesitance when it comes to you is what I believe is the last shred of his sanity. Save him from this place, from your sister. I'll do everything in my power to protect both of you in the meantime. I won't let anything bad happen to either one of you, I promise... so the both of you won't fall into the pit of unreturnable darkness."
"V... But what about..." Lila trailed off.
A small noise came from his left. A bundle of twigs had crunched against the ground and that meant something was getting close to his hiding spot. "Wait... I hear footsteps nearby. I'll get caught if I make a noise. I must hang up. Please, have your mind clear and be prepared... for you and Saeran's sake."V had to hang up his phone and leave Lila to formulate her own plans. He needed to lay low for just a while longer and once he was sure that both of them were together, he would act.
Saeran was breathing hard.
He had run for God knows how long to make sure that he was far away from V, that he was far away from the goons that were hunting him for the Savior. He could barely hold himself together anymore. He was alone. He was all alone in this spot, and it didn't seem like they were searching for him outside anymore. Emotionally, he was a disaster... physically... it felt like his body was crying out at him. This was because he didn't take his elixir... he let this happen to himself... his body was punishing him... and he hated it. This pain was swallowing him and he couldn't focus. All he could do was huddle his face in his hands, and try to pray the pain away.
He hated being alone.
Saeran wasn't sure why his hands were moving the way they were. He had been sitting along for who knows how long, and he hadn't even noticed that he had begun to try to do something. Why he was trying to dial someone on his phone when he was huddled underneath the thick bristle of a willow tree that covered everything it touched?
V had been spouting nonsense to him. That's all that he could remember from when the pain started. That traitor had suggested that Saeran just leave this place with just Lila at his side... leave everything he's ever known... leave paradise... leave the place he's called home for years for the outside world with a girl who must think the worst of him. Go outside to a world that didn't suit him, a place that he would never belong... it was a place for people like Lila who weren't a lost cause. People who got back up when they fell onto the ground. People who didn't lash out at others when they didn't get what wanted like they always had.
Lila was better off on the outside.
He would not be better off.
What would Lila do if she had the choice to leave these walls behind? Would she leave this place if she could? Where would she go on her own? Would she go to the RFA for help? Would she try to do impossible things on her own? Would she try to stop the growth of paradise from the outside? Would she try to save him despite the fact it was futile? Would she go back home to her world and leave him behind? Would she return to painting her dream locations... fantasy realms where she found her happiness...? Would she go back to her normal life and leave this all behind if she had the chance? Would she make up with her broken family and keep living in her evergreen garden?
Those were the kinds of things that Lila dreamt of returning to, he was sure.
He could only recall that first time that Ray had encountered Lila, and think about what might have happened if it were different.
"Regret... I used it to express regret," Lila murmured, her eyes downcast the dirt in front of herself. "It just seemed fitting for the location. All I feel when I stare ahead of me... I see regret."
"Interesting, I wouldn't have expected that to be your choice," Ray commented as he stared down at the canvas that the girl held in her hands. She picked such a sad saturation for her piece, and it pained his heart to hear that she had chosen a flower that held sad meaning. "You don't seem like the type to have experienced that kind of a pain in your life."
Her pencil continued to fall against the paper with gentle, eager strokes as she crafted her fairytale world in front of her very eyes, in front of Ray's very eyes for the first time.
"That's the funny thing about people you pass by every day," She murmured, breath soft against her lips. "You might not know anything about that person but they're going through something you wouldn't believe. It's like that flower there. It hasn't bloomed like the rest of its friends for a number of different reasons, but it'll sprout it leaves one of these days and be just as beautiful as the rest."
Indeed, there was a flower that was behind schedule that a normal person would have plucked from the garden if it didn't bloom as it should have... like a common weed. In a twisted way, it reminded him of himself. People stopped him reaching his full potential for such a very long time, and he had been trampled before someone helped him. "The other flowers are blocking it from receiving the adequate amount of sunlight. It might not ever bloom without a delicate hand to guide it to its full potential. " He said.
Lila stopped moving her pencil and stared a little closer at the flower, "Oh, you're right. If they trim back some of the tops it'll reach it a lot better. All they need is a little tender care to reach their full potential. I can't believe that missed that and I call myself a girl with a decent green thumb, hah. I come to this spot pretty often because I can't go out to the Lancelot Gardens every single day, have you ever been there?"
"No, but I've heard a few things about it," Ray murmured.
"Oh, you really should if you ever get to the interstate. They're just right of it down a clay road. I grew up on those gardens and they still never fail to take my breath away. I'd be pressed to say that there isn't another place like it in the world. There's just about anything you could imagine down there, but there are sprawling fields of Wisteria out there. Some people call it invasive but lemme tell you, seeing it cover the landscape and treetops is awe-inspiring. It's a page right of the storybooks."
"I could show you one better," Ray began to say, imagining how her face might look when he showed her his garden and the evergreen that would make a smile appear on her face in front of him for the first time. "But hearing you speak so fondly of the flowers makes me wonder what you might think if you could see the spot I often visit."
"And where might that be?" She asked, curiously.
When she turned around to view him, Ray was long gone from that spot.
The memory was the only one that still held clarity in his mind. When they were first getting to know each other, firsthand. The way that she looked at him, the way she looked at Ray, it was held with such curiosity and wonder. Now when he tried to imagine her eyes all he could see was fear. He feared that she may never one day look at him without a worry in her eyes.
That long perpetual fear was what made him lose it.
If he asked her what she would do... would she humor him with her fantasies that could never be.
Her phone rang once and she picked up immediately.
Saeran began to talk before she could even open her mouth. "It's me. I called to ask you something... They say the weakest tend to dream absurd dreams while they're in bed... when you evade your hell is your reality, you can cope with it by having strange and outlandish dreams that could never be. I figured that you were someone who would be capable of that sort of thing. You're a princess who pretends she isn't hurting. So you must dream of impossible things... you must have many fantasies that you've had here at this place... I wanted to ask about one of those impossible dreams," he swallowed. "If... if it was possible to leave this place behind, would you leave without hesitation?"
"...Yes, I would." She says, softly, in response.
Of course, she would leave this place. Saeran knew that she would say that.
"Yes... yes, of course, you would leave. You were never meant for this kind of life in the first place. You're a different person than I am. You aren't bound by your pain to this place." Saeran pressed his hand to his face to cover his eyes. There was a kind of weak chuckle underneath his breath at his self for even talking to his toy about this. "I have to ask one more thing... if you could leave this place with anyone, anyone at all... if you could escape this place... who would you want to go with? Would you go alone, by yourself...? Or would you leave your precious Ray?"
"I promised Ray that I would never leave him behind. I promised you that I wouldn't turn my back on you. I made a promise, and I don't intend to break my promises with you or him. I would leave with you, if I had the chance, Saeran."
"You would leave with me...? Why would you even joke like that? If you're joking, or you're trying to laugh at me... it's not funny. I can leave this place. You know that already. If I leave this place... what do you think would happen to me? You know what I've done to you. You know what I've done to others... do you really think that somebody like me can survive out there? Do you think that someone like me can live a normal life? I'm not like you. Somebody like me could never last outside of these walls... I can't be happy like you... or the RFA."
"Isn't this just a hypothetical, Saeran?" She asked, seemingly to almost see underneath his little game. "...Anything can happen when it's the context of a dream."
Just... a dream.
Just Lila's dreams.
They weren't real... what was the harm in playing her game?
"...Yeah. It's just... a hypothetical question. It's not like we would ever be able to escape this place or anything. It doesn't mean anything as just a dream of yours, and that means you can take it where ever your silly little head wants you to take it to, right?" he shut his eyes. "What would you do once you got out of this place with me, then?"
He could imagine her sitting in her room at the table with her chin pressed into her palm, staring ahead of herself at the window that showed the outside world and the full moon above them. "I would like to fulfill that promise that I made to you a long time ago of visiting my special place... the first time that I met you in my world... You, me, and the endless sea of evergreen in my garden... rows of roses... lilacs... tulips... and even lilies. The flowers seem the same no matter where we are... and that's the only place I would want to be with you. It's rather selfish, in that regard. But... outside of this place... I would want you to be with me somewhere with no walls for miles."
"Yeah... figures you would imagine something like that," Saeran mumbled.
Lila doesn't so much as breathe evenly as she speaks. "That first time... I never did get to see Ray back then, and I wish that we had been able to talk for much longer then we did. Ray was... pretty nervous, I guess. Had I been able to see your face I doubt I would have let you go so easily. Sometimes I wonder if I had spoken with him for longer then maybe the both of you wouldn't be in so much pain. I can't help but dream that maybe someday I can show you what you've shown me since I came to this place. I can't help but hope that I can show you something that makes you just as happy as I've felt with... the both of you around me."
Saeran could envision such a place inside of his mind. It held such an overlap with these things that Ray had imagined when he was around. The princess laughing in front of him, coaxing him forward with her hand, rows of her flowers pilling up around her feet. She was like the sunshine every time he closed his eyes in the darkness.
He wasn't worthy of that. "I've done nothing but hurt you. Have can you feel happy with me?"
"I... have faith in your heart, Saeran," Lila murmured. "I know in my heart that you'll be able to make me happy... just as Ray did if that's what you wanted to do. You should have more faith in yourself, and your ability to make things right."
Saeran dug his nails into his palm. Why was she so kind to others? "Don't you dare try to make me hope for your impossible dreams, princess... you know it's never going to happen in this place... that's... that's the only thing that I wanted to talk with you about... If you have nothing else to say to me then I'm going to hang up."
"Wait," Lila's voice was soft on the other end. "Saeran... don't you want to leave this place for real? I know you could survive out there if you wanted to do it, I wouldn't even have to be with you for you to be capable of that... but I'd like to be there with you. I believe in your strength, remember? Please, just tell me the truth about what you want."
He could not tell her what he wanted.
He was not able to give her what she wanted. "I'm... No. It's no use, useless now. Is that all? Anyway, it was fun to listen to your daydreams for once. Forget everything I said. I'm hanging up."
Don't make me believe in your dreams... don't make me believe in your dreams. Saeran's words echoed in my head over and over, reminding me of his feelings and his word.
I couldn't focus no matter how hard I tried to piece my thoughts back together. I could think about the way that Saeran sounded when he spoke to me on the phone, and I couldn't shake my fears. He called me right after V did, and he spoke about what it would be like to get out of this place together, but the moment I tried to speak further... he made it sound as though it could never be. V made it sound like Saeran wasn't really sure of his choices anymore, and it seemed that that was right. But... I would have to be the one to pull his hand and help him.
How could I do that?
I sat there in the dark just lost in my own thoughts. Then, my phone began to ring once again. I was shocked that it was happening. I nearly assumed that the sound was my imagination but it kept happening. I lifted my head from the bed and stared through the moonlight to see what the tag would say. The picture was red... and the only photo icon that I knew to be red, belonged to someone that shouldn't have been able to get a hold of me. I shot out of bed as quick as a bolt and grabbed the phone, hitting the answer key.
There was a hum of white noise that made my stomach twist. It could be him. But he might not be able to understand me. "...ello...?"
My voice was frantic. "Hello? Is this really you Seven? Are we connected? Hey, Seven, it's me!"
It was a moment later but his voice came through the cell phone. "...The green light says we should be connected. Oh! You're there, thank goodness! It's you! There's a lot of white noise, but I can actually hear you this time around. I don't think I'll be able to hold a conversation like this for very long. It's hard to keep the window open. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you got caught up in this mess! I don't know what's happening with you, but I want to know that it's alright. I hope that you still have faith in us... in me, despite us losing you! Hearing your voice... I'm relieved."
"I'm happy to hear from you again, too!" I held my shoulders together, tight.
Surely this wasn't a dream.
"Are you alright...?" Seven hesitated, "It's been a few days, but you don't sound so good."
"I've been better, Seven. I can't really talk about it... but please, please keep fighting to fix this connection. If I can sort this mess out, I will be able to tell you all about it soon enough."
Seven sighed. It clear that we all were hiding things from each other, actually, it was more like V and I were withholding information from Seven, and he didn't know what it was. Had either of us been honest from the start, then we wouldn't be in this particular mess. It might be much better off if nobody lied about what they were hiding. "You, me... even V. We're all full of secrets. Right now, it seems like we're all caught up in our own messes. There's no time to sit around, or help each other in our crisis... but we have to keep fighting to get through these things. There's someone out there that I have to protect, and I feel horrible and furious that I can't do more to help you."
I hated myself for keeping the information out of his hands. But, I kept telling myself that the moment that I could bring Saeran out of this living hell that I would make sure the brothers were reunited. "You're doing all you can, don't you dare be down on yourself now of all times, Seven," I refuted his words of self-loathing. "Everyone appreciates what you're doing for the RFA."
"...Thanks for putting that way, Wisteria," Seven whispered. "You're the one in some of a real mess, and you're checking on everyone else before you worry about yourself."
My aching knees screamed my me, but I got out of my chair and walked across the room to get out of the window. There weren't any Believers on my side of the building, most of them were searching for Saeran. Maybe they had given up the search outside... and were looking inside? I didn't even know where V had found Saeran! "I know my situation isn't as grim as what you all might be dealing with. I know I'll be okay. But I'm not so sure about the rest of you. Seven, speaking of the others, what's happening with everyone? Has the Prime Minister caused any more trouble? And what about everyone's health? Please tell me everyone isn't in danger."
"After you were forcibly disconnected, the intelligence unit has been trying to restore communication. Desperately. Jaehee is playing a big role, so it seems, it's a group effort. Everyone in the RFA is worried. about you. These are the only things that I can say about that mess. We haven't seen any changes from the Prime Minister yet, as far as I know. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know you won't admit it but I feel like you're in an environment that isn't good. Don't lose hope. We're doing all that we can to piece this back together. I want to believe that I can fix this for you and that I protect my precious person."
"Thank you," I said. "You do the same. I know what it's like to want to protect someone n the midst of chaos. I'm... trying to do the same thing right now for someone also precious to me... thrown into a mess that he wasn't ever meant to be in."
"Wisteria," Seven trailed off, words unsure. "You wouldn't happen to be referring to the..."
"Yeah... He's not the bad guy, here."
His voice was hesitant. "Then... who is?"
"I can't explain everything. They might be listening to everything I say, Seven. I just want you to know..."
My throat felt very tight. I couldn't hold myself back.
"That the hacker..."
I wanted to be honest with him. I just wanted to say something.
"He's..."
The static began to grow once again.
"He's...?"
I could hear his voice growing more and more distant. Seven groaned. The time that he had to speak with me was growing slimmer and slimmer by the passing second. "Oh. I'm losing you again. I should hang up right away. I don't want to put you in any more danger than you already are. We'll meet each other safely soon, just have hope. Take care until then! You must, Wisteria, you simply must!"
The static died into silence.
Seven had hung up the phone.
"He's Saeran! He's here, he's been here with me the whole time!" I cried, louder than I intended, and my hand instinctively covered my mouth and I waited with bated breath for someone to barge into the room but nobody came. Tears began to well up in my eyes, and I couldn't stop the floodgates from pouring over and toppling onto the ground. Seven had hung up the phone. He hadn't heard me speak a word. I didn't know what the future had in store for any of us. Tomorrow could be the day that we all die or the day that we all escape. There wasn't any chance of knowing what the outcome would be. Saeran could get caught. V could get caught. I could be taken away.
"I'm sorry, Saeyoung... I'm so sorry."
