Connor was alone. Adam had elected not to spend the night with him tonight and Connor couldn't say he blamed him. There was no upside to sleeping in the same room with him when the hospital cots were so uncomfortable and Adam could actually sleep. He'd never said it aloud, though, because he knew why Adam liked being here with him and, honestly, most of the time he liked having Adam here too. He cracked open his mother's copy of To Kill A Mockingbird, finding where he left off. His mother had been a big believer in underlining passages though she had rarely made comments in the margins. Connor had been doing the opposite as he read. He knew Adam didn't love the novel the way that Connor did but he wanted to leave the novel behind for Adam. Like a last letter or something since Connor really didn't believe that he would have the strength to write a goodbye to his father.
He put a heart underneath one of the lines that his mother had underlined in faint grey pencil, glad that they connected with the same words. He looked up as someone knocked on his door.
"Oh, hi, Jake."
Connor had been avoiding him in the two days since Jake had kissed him. He didn't want to kiss Jake again but he also didn't want to have to tell Jake that. He'd never had anyone like Jake in and around his life before. He didn't know how to push someone away like that.
Jake leant on the edge of his bed. "Hey."
"Oh, hi. I –"
Jake leant into his personal space and Connor's tongue got so tangled in his throat that Jake kissed him again before he knew what to say. For a moment, Connor let himself feel the kiss, let his lips move against Jake's again, but there was the same nothingness that there had been before and Connor put his hands up, pushing Jake away.
"I don't like you like that," Connor said. "I don't want to kiss you or anything. We can be friends but I don't want anything else."
He averted his eyes from Jake's face as he said it.
"You like Jude, right?"
"So? What if I do?"
"The straight guy?"
"It doesn't have to make sense. It's what I feel. I don't have to kiss you."
"No need to get defensive about it," Jake said quickly. "I don't have to kiss you, either. I'm just saying, crushes on straight kids? It's never going to work out."
"I know that," Connor said. "He knows how I feel and it's not working out."
"You told him?"
"I kissed him," Connor said. "And he didn't kiss me back."
Connor knew that it wasn't necessarily true. He remembered those moments where Jude's lips moved against his and it was a real, honest kiss. He didn't want to share those details with Jake because he knew how easy it would be tear it down. After all, Connor had just kissed Jake back, all because Jake had kissed him first. It was just the act of being kissed. It didn't mean anything but Connor didn't want to hear Jake say it because he just wanted to believe something else when it came to Jude. He knew better but he wanted to believe something else.
"Harsh," Jake said.
"Yeah." Connor shrugged.
"How can you still be around him? I've been there and we never talked again."
"Jude means more to me than that."
Jake shook his head. "That's bad."
"How can that be bad?" Connor asked.
"No, I meant you've got it bad." Jake shook his head. "Which sucks for you."
"It kind of does," Connor admitted, for the first time feeling like he was admitting it to someone who understood. He had hinted about it to Ms. Adams but he hadn't been ready to quite admit it to an adult – to his counselor. Admitting it to Jake felt easier because he felt like Jake really did know what he was feeling. He understood it in the way that Connor felt like Ms. Adams couldn't because, whatever she had been through, she had grown up now and Connor knew that adults looked at things differently, even if they didn't mean to. "But it also kind of doesn't."
Because Connor loved the way that Jude made him feel as he much as it sometimes pained him.
"Yeah, I know that too." Connor glanced up at Jake. He wasn't unattractive – smooth brown skin, save for a few pimples near his hairline; bright blue eyes; dense, wavy hair.
"I've never really had anyone to talk to about stuff like that. My friends left when I got sick and since then it's all been doctors and my dad until Jude but I can't talk to Jude about this. Obviously."
"Yeah, I get that. It's lonely being the walking dead."
Connor cracked half a smile. "And you're so calm about that too."
"The dying thing? Well, it's going to suck. I'm hoping it's quick. I'm hoping my mom stops crying sooner rather than later but … I had fun, being alive. My mom loved me and I loved my mom and she knows that and I know that. Everyone dies someday."
"How long have you been rehearsing that speech?"
"A couple of weeks. I need to give a longer one to my mom soon. How was that?"
"It was pretty good," Connor admitted.
"Good." Jake smiled. "But, you know, maybe one of us will live. Want to flip a coin?"
"That seems really morbid."
"Heads or tails?"
"Heads," Connor blurted, watching the quarter fly through the air.
Jake reached out to catch it but it bounced off the side of his palm and rolled off the bed, across the floor and stayed, leaning, against the wall.
"Guess we both die?" Jake said.
"Or we both live?" Connor corrected.
"I won't hold my breath. Are you going to hold yours?"
"Jude thinks I'll live."
"What does your dad think?"
"I think he's hoping I will more than he's believing I won't."
"They wouldn't be good family members if they didn't keep the faith," Jake said. "What do you think?"
"It's easier to believe I'll die than hope I won't."
"I know that feeling too."
Connor was starting to feel like Jake understood him more than Connor was originally giving him credit for.
"I'm glad we're friends."
"As bad as it sounds, I was glad to have someone of the same age around."
"Yeah, it does sound kind of bad."
Jake cracked a smile. "All right. See you tomorrow, Connor."
"See you tomorrow," Connor murmured.
He watched Jake head out of the room and then he laid back against his pillows, trying to fall asleep.
(-.-)
Jude woke up when Callie's alarm went off, squinting up at the ceiling. "What time's it?"
"Just after four," she whispered. "You can go back to bed."
Jude sat up, shoving his lumpy comforter off of him and wiping at his face. "Why are you up so early?"
"Nic said he needed people early this morning. I think he's worried about something."
"Worried about something like what?"
"I'm not sure. Probably something stupid like the last time he was worried. Don't you worry."
"Okay, tell me about it later?"
"Maybe," Callie said. Jude closed his eyes as she started to get dressed. "I'll tell you if it affects you."
It all affected him because it all affected Callie but Jude didn't say it. He knew she was just trying to protect him from it and he would rather not know it.
"I think there's still another burger in the fridge. I'll try and bring home some more food tonight. Other than that, I think we have one can of soup."
Jude would almost rather not eat than trying to choke down another burger but he knew that he couldn't bother Callie about something as simple as that. She got the food for them that she could and Jude was always forced to admit to himself that he probably wouldn't do much better if she told him to start getting food for the apartment instead. He opened his eyes as Callie sat down on the edge of the bed to start pulling on her ratty sneakers.
"You going to the hospital later?" she asked him.
"Yeah, of course. Where else would I go?" Jude asked.
"Maybe you could pop by the Centre, see a tutor again for just a few minutes," Callie suggested.
"I've been helping Connor with his homework," Jude said. "That should count for something."
"I'm not saying that you should spend the whole day away from him," Callie griped bitterly and Jude was reminded of her drunken words.
"He'll die and you won't have to worry about it," Jude spat, watching her face fall and twitch. He didn't remember their mother dying but he knew Callie did and he was becoming more and more sure that she was thinking about the loss of their mother when he reminded her of Connor's death. "And then I'll go to the Centre because I won't care anymore."
Callie shook her head and smoothed down her choppy hair. She reached across the bed and hugged him tightly.
"Okay, I'm sorry." She kissed his forehead. "I love you, I'll see you when you get home, okay?"
"Love you too," Jude muttered and he watched her walk out the door.
Exhausted, Jude flopped back on the bed and curled up under his blanket, trying to fall back to sleep. There were several hours until visiting hours at the hospital started up and a few hours until he actually had to start getting ready to do anything. He closed his eyes but he couldn't get himself to go back to sleep the way that he needed by the time that it was time to roll out of bed. He rubbed at his eyes and wished he had enough money to keep up a coffee habit as he took a quick shower in lukewarm water. He sniffed at his shirt and pants before he dressed himself, thinking that he would have to do laundry sooner rather than later. Then, he was out the door, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he ran toward the street.
He caught his bus to the hospital, running only a few minutes behind. It was a Saturday and, so, he wasn't surprised that Adam was in with Connor when he arrived. Connor was wearing the purple hat Jude had bought him and he looked listless when he looked up toward Jude.
"How are you feeling?" Jude asked.
Connor glanced at Adam first. "Jake died early this morning."
"What?" Admittedly, it had been a few days since Jude had seen Jake but Jake hadn't seemed on death's door. He'd been laughing, leaning in the door of Connor's room and saying that they'd see each other tomorrow but they hadn't – as far as Jude knew, at least. Jake hadn't been by while Jude had been visiting, at least.
Connor turned on his side and gestured Jude toward him and Jude dropped his bag in the extra visitor's chair and climbed into bed next to him.
"He had a heart attack, according to Nurse Mac," Adam said.
Connor grabbed onto Jude's hand. "We flipped a coin to see who'd die."
"Connor," Adam groaned before Jude had a chance to.
"Neither of us won. It was leaning against the wall. He said it meant we both lost. I said it meant we both won."
"You're not next," Jude said sternly, knowing what Connor was thinking. "I told you, you're not going to die."
Connor didn't say anything. He closed his eyes and hid his face in Jude's shirt; Jude felt his tears dripping through the fabric. He didn't say anything else, just rested his hand on Connor's side and let him feel. He wondered if it was the best thing but he was also worried about crossing lines in front of Adam.
"He wasn't afraid," Connor said softly.
Jude didn't know what to say but when he looked over at Adam, it didn't look like he had any other ideas.
"Is there anything that we can do, Connor?" Adam asked.
"I don't even know what to think … We weren't that close. We weren't really good friends or anything! But he's dead and that can't change. I remember when Mom died and I kept waiting for it to change."
"Connor –"
"No, don't," Connor snapped and Jude had never heard such an edge to Connor's voice. "I don't want you to talk about Mom."
"I'm sorry," Adam said. "How about we put a movie on?"
"Sure, whatever."
Adam found an animated movie to put on, some musical with a princess and Jude barely registered more than that. When Adam finally went to the washroom, Jude nudged at his still friend.
"You okay? Really?"
"I don't know. I meant it. I don't know how to feel. How I'm allowed to feel or anything like that and it was just … quick. I know he was sick but he didn't even look like it and what if today is the real last day but I have no idea!? What do I do with that? Mom didn't know it was her last day either and then she was just gone too. We don't get to know and that's terrifying and I hate thinking about it but is that selfish of me? I don't … I don't know anything, Jude."
Connor clamped his mouth shut when Adam came out of the room but the tears were still brimming in his eyes. Jude didn't know what to tell him about death and, so, he wrapped his arm tighter around Connor, staring up at the TV, waiting for someone else to break the silence, though he was worried that time would never come. They wasted away the movie and half of a second one and, finally, Adam cleared his throat.
"I think it's just about lunch time. Would you like anything, Jude?"
"Oh, a sandwich, please, if you don't mind."
Jude didn't offer to go and fetch the meal; Adam was starting to take on the look of a caged animal and he assumed that he wanted the small breather for himself. When Adam was out of the room, Connor pushed himself up.
"Connor?"
"Yeah?"
"What happened to your mom?" He could see the hesitation on Connor's face. "You don't have to but –"
"Her car was in for repairs or something and so Dad was supposed to pick her up from work but he wasn't there. She called the house and I told her that he wasn't home and she told me that he wasn't answering his phone. She said to call her back on her phone if he came home and she told me to make sure that I put the frozen chicken on the counter for supper and she was going to walk and she said she loved me and I said I loved her too but I was really thinking of the fact that I had forgotten to put the chicken out and if she'd be mad about it when she got home." Connor swallowed. "She was hit by a car. Dad still wasn't home by the time the police showed up to tell us and, uh, he's never told me where he was that was more important than picking Mom up and I haven't … I haven't forgiven that."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," Jude said, but he couldn't resist adding, "My mom died in a car accident too. My dad was the one driving,"
Connor squeezed his hand tightly. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"No more death today, Jude."
Jude could only agree.
Adam came back in with their lunch and Jude forced himself to shift his attention to the food. Connor managed to finish most of his lunch before his medication had him knocked out and asleep on Jude. It was the most normal part of the day and Jude grabbed onto it, glad for the Adam's silence. Most of the time, he could take the conversations that would pop up between them – even though some of them did make him uncomfortable in the end. Today, though, he knew that he and Adam wanted to be alone with their thoughts. They let the TV play for background noise but Jude knew that they were both just watching Connor sleep, wondering if he really would be next and how much time was left. Jude wanted a real clock. He wanted to know. It was haunting him every time that he left for home and he didn't know what was going on with Connor, knowing that he would never find out what was going on until the next morning, because no one knew how to find him.
It was about the time Connor usually woke up when Ms. Adams walked into the room. She glanced at Connor, who was starting to rub at his face and slowly wake up. As Ms. Adams sat down, Adam got up the fetch Connor the water that he always wanted. Connor stretched and his hand searched along the blanket until he found Jude's hand.
"Dad …" Connor groaned and Adam slid the cup in his hand.
"Ms. Adams came to say hello," Adam said.
"And to pick up the homework I think you're doing," she added.
"He's been doing the parts of it he wants to," Jude said.
"If I don't have to do calc, I'm not going to," Connor groaned.
"Someone's going to start making you. Schoolwork is still important."
"You're a dad, you have to say that, even though you're the only one here who thinks that," Connor snorted.
"Well, perhaps not the only one," Ms. Adams said. "It looks like you're outnumbered."
"Jude's on my side," Connor said, so confident that he didn't glance over at Jude when he said it, but Jude didn't even open his mouth. He was on Connor's side; of course, he was on Connor's side. "So, it's a tie."
"We need someone else in the room to break the tie," Ms. Adams said.
Jude glanced toward the door but there was no one there. Not even a nurse to head in and side with the adults. He reached over and handed Ms. Adams the folder that Connor was always working out of it and she opened it.
"It looks like you and history are becoming better friends," she mused.
"Well, Jude likes history too," Connor said. "So, we do that when he's here."
To say that Jude liked history was a massive overstatement. To say that he found history the best out of Connor's classes was probably more accurate but the distinction didn't really matter. If it made Ms. Adams think that Jude was a good history student, then that was what mattered.
"When's your favourite part of history, Jude?" she asked.
Jude looked at her. There was no way for him to guess what Ms. Adams did or didn't know about history and what the right answer would be. He took a deep breath. "Um … civil war."
"Really? I don't remember a whole lot about the civil war myself."
Was that good or bad?
"Maybe you could tell me some things about it."
Bad. It was definitely bad. Very bad.
"Ms. Adams, this isn't a classroom," Connor complained and he squeezed Jude's hand so that Jude would know exactly what it was he was doing. "And, it's a Saturday. Leave Jude alone."
"All right, all right. I'll just have to come back when you're doing homework so that school talk isn't off-limits then."
"Thanks!" Connor said brightly.
Jude heard hurried footsteps heading toward Connor's room and he wondered if it was Nurse Mac on duty today. He thought that Nurse Mac might be Connor's favourite and Jude had to admit that he liked Nurse Mac too. But it wasn't a nurse or a doctor that poked their head around Connor's door.
"What are you doing here?" Jude demanded and Connor held onto him tightly as Jude sat upright in bed.
"I found you! God!" Callie exclaimed, darting forward. "Come on, we've got to go."
"Go?" Jude repeated, his legs hanging over the side of the bed. "Go where?"
Callie looked over at Adam and Ms. Adams. "Away. There was a bust and they saw me. We have to leave the state or maybe the country. I don't know. We'll figure it out when we get out of here."
"Excuse me," Ms. Adams said. "What's going on? Is everyone okay?"
"Jude!" Callie said, ignoring Ms. Adams and grabbing onto Jude to shake him. His teeth clacked together. "Let's go."
But once they went, they were gone, and Jude knew that they could never come back, and he was never going to see Connor again and the end was right now and it wasn't even because Connor was gone. It was because Jude had to protect Callie. His heart hurt and he looked back over at Connor who was desperately clinging to him.
"What is happening?" Ms. Adams demanded and her tone was so authoritative that Jude almost told her.
"Who are you?" Adam asked, his voice rough.
"Jude! I might have been followed!"
"I …" Jude couldn't even turn to look at Callie. He couldn't breathe. He could just stare at Connor because he'd never see him again.
"Let's go!"
Callie yanked Jude so roughly that he nearly fell over instead of standing and Connor's hand was ripped from his own. Ms. Adams and Adam jumped to their feet but Jude pulled himself away from her.
"Callie! This is –"
"Something we always knew might happen! We have to go! Stop looking at him, Jude, he's going to die anyway and then where are you going to be!"
Jude pulled himself away from her. "What the hell, Callie?"
He heard Connor's sharp intake of breath behind him and then Connor's hand touched his back. "Jude, you have to go with her."
"I'll never see you again!" Jude cried.
"What is going on!?" Ms. Adams exclaimed.
"She's right," Connor said. "I'm dying."
"I can't leave you! I can't choose, I –"
"Shit!" Callie cried and Jude turned around to see her peeking out the door. "You already made your choice, Jude, and know whatever happens to me is your fault."
"That's not fair!" Connor yelled at her, struggling to sit up.
"And what does he know?" Callie demanded.
"Nothing!"
Callie took him by the shoulders and sat him down on the edge of Connor's bed. She pressed his forehead to his. "I love you."
"I love you too." He couldn't help the tears that were welling up in his eyes. What had he done? He couldn't lose her!
"Now, I don't know you and you don't know anything."
"I know."
"Jude, explain yourself," Adam ordered but the tears were coming too hard now and he couldn't look up as Callie bolted out of the room.
Jude curled up against Connor's side, feeling like he was going to throw up as the shout of "police, stop!" and then the sound of someone being read their rights just outside the door. It was all over. Callie was in handcuffs by now and Nic was gone and he was homeless and without Callie and he had nowhere to go and he was all alone and it was the worst thing that could possibly have happened.
"Jude," Ms. Adams said, "we can help you but you need to tell us what's going on."
"She's my sister," Jude hiccoughed. "And she's … she was … protecting me … and, um, and … Oh my God."
"It's okay," Connor said. "You can trust them, I promise."
"She didn't want me to know what she was doing," Jude whispered, "so I don't know. I don't but we ended up on the streets because … because … I … I had a foster father that tried to kill me and so she killed him first." Jude hid his face in his hands. "I want her back."
"Oh, Jude … I'm going to call my wife, all right? She's a police officer, remember? We're going to try to help you, Jude."
"Lena, may I speak to you outside?" Adam asked.
"Of course."
They left the room but they didn't close the door all the way.
"Jude –"
"Shh. I want to be able to hear them," Jude said, and he would be lying if he said he was ready to talk about it. He still couldn't think about the fact that he was never going to see the apartment again. Callie wasn't going to be waiting for him when he walked through the door. He didn't know when he was going to see Callie was ever again. If he ever saw Callie again.
"Stef and I are foster parents. If he's had foster fathers before, it means that he probably wasn't adopted. If he's okay with it, Stef and I will take him and she and I will do everything we can to help the sister too."
"I know you have other children, Lena, so anything that I can do to help you, let me know. He and Connor are such good friends and I care about him too. I want to make sure they're able to stay together and that Jude's safe."
"We'll take good care of him," Lena said, "but we'll let you know. I just want to get Stef over here now. The sooner we try to start sorting things out, the better it will be."
"Okay."
Jude could tell that the conversation was winding down and he just hid against Connor. Connor's trembling hand rubbed at his arm and Jude just cried.
"It's okay, Jude. It's okay. I'm sorry."
Jude didn't know if it was true or not but he didn't care. It was nice to hear. It was nice to pretend.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: My Best Friend by Tim McGraw; and Long Time Coming by Oliver James.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~
