Well everyone, I am back. I apologize that this took so long to get up, crazy summer and just no urge to write. It's also golf season at college so my writing time is limited but I know everyone has been anxiously awaiting a new chapter. So here it is.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Once Upon A Time or its characters.
Don't forget to review, they are welcomed and encouraged.
Enjoy everyone :)
Snow peeked in through the small window and glanced around the dimly lit room, her eyes falling on the cobwebs and dust scattered throughout the small kitchen and dining area of the home that belonged to the Three Little Pigs (or more commonly known as Terry, Jerry, and Mark).
"It's a mess guys." Snow muttered to the group behind her.
Benji the raccoon hopped up on top of the windowsill and stood next to Snow's head, peering in through the window like his counterpart. He gave a few squeaks before Snow nodded in confirmation, and hopped from the sill to the ground.
"Hello is anyone home?" Snow called out, knocking on the door, she waited a few seconds before turning back to the group, "It doesn't seem like anyone is home."
She opened the door and peered inside, "May I come in?"
After waiting a few more seconds and there being no reply, Snow entered the home and examined the room. Cobwebs hung in the corners of the room as dust littered the tables and dirty dishes resided in the sink.
"Oh dear it really is a mess." Snow said aloud, "Alright everyone, main your stations."
The group of animals charged into the home, coming to rest beside Snow as she held up a broom in her hand. Deer, rabbits, raccoons, birds; all manners of animals created the group that stood next to their leader, each holding a bucket or brush of sorts.
"Let's clean this bitch."
"KAAAOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKK."
Emma groaned in her sleep and rolled over to glance at the clock that sat on her nightstand.
8:00 am.
"Ughhhh." She groaned allowed before muttering to herself and drifting back off to sleep.
"KAAAAOOOOAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKK."
"UGHHHHHHHHHHH." Emma rolled over once more and sat up, glaring at the tree outside of their window that housed an obnoxious singing bird.
"Darling go back to bed."
"I would love to baby but there seems to be an obnoxious singing bird outside of our window at 6 in the fucking morning."
"It's 8am Emma." Regina corrected, cracking an eye and smiling at her clearly irritated wife.
"Whatever. It's too damn early for this shit. I'm just gonna throw a rock at him." Emma commented and began to move from the bed.
"Emma Swan-Mills don't you dare hurt Claud." Her wife scolded, sitting up in the bed and glaring at her.
"Claud? You named the damn bird Claud?"
"Yes."
"After your guard Claud?"
"Claud loved to sing and so does this bird, I found it fitting."
"You gave a name to the bird that has been interrupting my precious sleep and cuddle time?!" Emma yelled, waving her hands in the air and then gesturing to the obnoxious bird outside.
"Don't be so dramatic." Regina replied with a quirked eyebrow.
"KAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOAAAAKKKKK."
"SHUT UP CLAUD!" Emma yelled.
"Don't yell at Claud!"
"HE'S FUCKING ANNOYING!"
"Claud is a very nice beautiful bird."
"Oh yeah real nice when he's singing so loud and waking me up at 6 am."
"It was not 6 am."
"WELL IT FELT LIKE IT, SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"Don't be so dramatic! He likes to sing!"
"Yeah well if you love Claud's singing so much you go live in the tree with him and then I will throw a rock at you too."
"That's mean."
"Fine I will throw it at Claud. That will be the warning shot." Emma glanced at the clock.
8:30 am
"Ugh I have to get down to the station." Emma muttered as she stomped to their closet and began pulling out her favorite pair of skinny jeans and a shirt to go with it.
"Don't shoot Claud please." Regina asked from the bed, making Emma pause and give a sigh.
"Fine but he needs to go live in a different tree that isn't by our window." Emma replied as she finished dressing. "These animals I swear."
"Hello? Is anyone home?" Snow called out, opening the door to another home.
She glanced around the dusty mess and nodded to herself before entering and opening the door wider for the animals to come through.
"Alright everyone, we got another messy situation, this time I want Bambi on clothes duty."
Bambi nodded his great head, the antlers dipping to the floor and then back up.
"Tell Thumper to beat the clothes good before Flower hangs them on you." Snow said before turning to the other animals, "Benji I want you to get to scrubbing, use those little paws of yours to get in the cracks and crevices."
Benji gave a squeak of approval and began rounding his team up, Mr. Fluffykins included.
"Alright everyone, main the stations and let's get to cleaning." Snow said seriously with a twitch of her eyes as she pumped the broom in her hand as if she was loading a shotgun.
"Good morning Emma." Cora said cheerfully as she entered the station, a box of donuts in hand and two large cups of coffee.
"Cora what are you doing here?"
"Regina called and mentioned you were pissed off about some bird named Claud singing early this morning, and waking you up."
"So you brought donuts and coffee?"
"I'm hungry and I have nothing better to do today. What, I can't spend some quality time with my daughter-in-law?"
Emma smiled and took a bearclaw from the bunch as she took a swig of her coffee.
"So anything fun and exciting happening in town?" Cora asked with a roll of the eyes.
"Since you've been behaving, no." Emma replied with a chuckle as Cora scoffed.
"Regina can say what she wants, but I kept this damn town lively." Cora replied as she bit into her donut.
"That you did."
"So are you still handling my pregnant daughter alright?"
"Yeah the hormones are calming some, I'm thinking it's because she's getting closer and closer to the due date."
"Sex life still good?"
"Cora."
"What? I can't make sure my daughter is staying satisfied?"
Emma groaned and took a swig of her coffee.
"Well?"
"Cora drop it."
"I am just asking-."
Cora was cut off by the shrill ring of the telephone, making Emma thank whatever god it was that decided to intervene and save her from another awkward conversation with her mother-in-law.
"Sherriff Swan-Mills speaking." Emma listened to the call, her eyebrows creasing in confusion, "Sure I'll be right there to check it out."
"What's the situation?" Cora asked excitedly, jumping up from her chair and magicking a gun and a deputy badge to her waist.
"Cora you aren't going."
"Awwwwwwww come onnnnnnnn." Cora whined, "I got a gun and a badge." She began pouting as she pointed to each item.
"Cora."
"Pleaseeeee Emma pleassseeeeee."
"Cora."
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE JUST TAKE ME WITH YOU! I AM SO FUCKING BOREDDDDDDD." Cora yelled, throwing her hands around and almost knocking Emma's coffee over in the process.
"Alright alright alright." Emma replied quickly, grabbing her coffee and holstering her gun, "You can come."
"Can I drive?" Cora asked with hopeful eyes.
"Sure." Emma sighed and tossed Cora the keys.
"YIPPPEEEEE."
"I'm going to regret this decision."
"Cora hit the damn gas."
"LET ME HAVE THIS EMMA!" Cora yelled haughtily, gradually pressing on the pedal and making it go a whopping 10 mph.
"You're going soooooo fucking slow." Emma groaned.
Cora glanced at the blonde and reached into the box of donuts, pulling one out and then shoving it in Emma's mouth.
"Shut up and eat the damn donut and let me drive." Cora replied as she slowly approached the home of the Three Little Pigs, which should have only taken 3 mins but instead took 10.
Cora put the car in park and slid her aviators on as she and Emma exited the car and approached the three men.
"Let me handle this." Cora said confidently and held her hand up to Emma.
Emma gave a roll of the eyes but decided to allow Cora to have her fun.
"So what seems to be the problem gentlemen?" Cora asked as she swaggered towards them.
"Our house is clean!" Terry exclaimed, throwing the door to the house open and allowing Emma and Cora to step inside.
"Well call me a monkeys uncle." Cora breathed out as she took in the shiny and spotless room.
"And this is a problem because?" Emma asked in confusion as she took in the sight.
"IT WAS DIRTY WHEN WE LEFT!" Mark yelled out, gesturing wildly to the room.
"It isn't just this room either, it's the entire house!" Jerry yelled as he led them room after room.
"Not again." Cora muttered to herself.
"What do you mean 'not again'?" Emma asked.
"Boys… did you leave your door unlocked?" Cora asked the three men.
"Yes we always do." One replied.
"Mistake number one. What I want you to do is make sure you lock your door before you leave, as well as the windows. Also, I want you to hang air fresheners outside of the house, near the windows. Keep them hidden though."
"You don't think it could be…" Terry trailed off.
"No that's impossible. He disappeared before the curse was cast." Mark replied.
"What if the curse brought him here?!" Jerry squealed.
"I want you to keep calm." Cora urged. "We will handle this."
"What the fuck?" Emma muttered as she watched the scene.
"Leave this to the pros boys."
"Excuse me." Emma tried to interrupt.
"What if he comes back?!" Terry asked worriedly.
"Your house is clean, he won't bother you again."
"Excuse me." Emma tried again.
"How do you know?" Mark asked.
"Because I am a professional." Cora responded as she pushed her aviators back in place.
"EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME BUT WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?" Emma yelled angrily at the group, causing them to stop speaking and look at her.
"Sherriff Swan-Mills, can I speak to you outside?" Cora asked as she said farewell to the men.
"Cora what the fuck?"
"Alright listen up… back in the enchanted forest the kingdoms had some… problems, with a person still unidentified to this day."
"Who? Why?"
"Well… people would leave to go to work and when they would come back… their house would be spotless."
"He stole?"
"No… he…"
Emma waited patiently.
"He cleaned." Cora finished seriously.
Emma raised an eyebrow and stared at Cora in disbelief and as if she had three heads.
"He cleaned?" Emma asked.
"Yes… it was awful. No one was safe from his clean little paws." Cora said dramatically, "he would enter and clean the entire house from top to bottom, leaving it spotless. It was an epidemic I tell you. And now he's back… and cleaner than ever." Cora finished and took a drag of her cigarette.
"Where did you get a cig?" Emma asked in confusion as she eyed the woman.
"We don't have much time. He could've struck again." Cora said seriously before stomping out her cig and hopping back into the cruiser.
"This fucking town." Emma muttered as she climbed in and departed with Cora.
"So where do you think Mr. Clean will hit next?" Emma asked as she looked out the window of the cruiser.
"Mr. Clean? That bald headed gay man with the tight shirt and earring? HE'S BEHIND THIS?! WHERE DOES HE LIVE I SHALL DESTROY HIM AND HIS CLEANLINESS MYSELF!"
"Cora it was just an expression." Emma groaned out.
"Oh. Well… you really should specify." Cora replied as she drove the cruiser around the corner… very slowly.
"God Cora if you don't speed the fuck up I'm going to fall asleep."
"That's what she said."
Emma looked at Cora as Cora looked to Emma; neither said anything as they stared... That was until Emma cracked a smile and started to bust out laughing.
"Alright that was a good one."
"Thank you, I do try."
"Hey Cora… isn't that Ruby?" Emma asked, pointing ahead at the figure running from Granny's bed and breakfast. The figure stopped and began running towards the cruiser.
"Indeed it is." Cora said as she pulled the car next to the curb and parked it before she and Emma exited the vehicle and walked towards Ruby.
"Oh thank god! Emma! Cora!" Ruby breathed out as she ran to Cora and embraced her.
"What's wrong? Is everything alright?" Cora asked worriedly as she checked Ruby over for damage.
"Rubes what's wrong?" Emma asked while Cora continued her inspection, dropping to the ground and looking at Ruby's legs.
"He's back." Ruby breathed out.
"We are aware." Cora muttered as she picked up Ruby's skirt a little.
"Stop it babe." Ruby muttered as she swatted Cora's hand away.
"Do you know where he hit?" Emma asked.
"Damn right. He hit Granny and I." Ruby stated, making Cora spring up from the ground and take off like a bolt of lightening towards the bed and breakfast.
"I guess she's on it." Emma muttered as she and Ruby took off towards the bed and breakfast after Cora.
"FIRST MATE! FIRST MATE!" Cora yelled out as she kicked the door in.
"IN HERE CAPTAIN!" Came the reply from the kitchen.
Cora ran ahead and stopped next to her first mate and inspected the kitchen.
"It's spotless." Granny muttered.
"Bastard." Cora said fiercely as she began examining the scene.
"What do you have Cora?" Emma asked seriously as she began her own inspection.
"Nothing. Spick and span… oh this guy is good." Cora replied.
"I'm sure this seems a little strange to you Emma." Ruby commented.
"Yeah it does. I've never heard of anyone breaking into homes and cleaning." Emma replied seriously.
"It takes a real neat freak to do this." Cora added.
Granny looked from Cora to Emma before a thought came to mind.
"Emma… where's Regina been all day?" Granny asked seriously.
"She's been at home. She wanted to work from home today since the baby is going to be here soon." Emma said before concern crossed her features, "Why?"
"Well." Granny began.
"She is a neat freak." Ruby chimed in.
"My daughter is NOT this serial cleaner!" Cora defended seriously.
"I'm sorry Cora but she is a neat freak." Granny replied.
"Watch your tone fuzzy." Cora growled out.
"Alright just calm down." Emma said as she got between the two women, she then turned to Granny, "Are you suggesting that my 8 month pregnant wife is coming in and cleaning houses?"
"Well when you put it that way…" Ruby trailed off.
"She has magic, she could be doing it." Granny defended.
"Please, my daughter can barely conjure a fucking tea cup without butterflies spewing everywhere, let alone clean two fucking houses." Cora replied with a huff.
Granny nodded in defeat, "I'm sorry captain, but this is a crisis and we had to consider all possible options."
"I understand first mate." Cora replied and slapped Granny on the back.
"Where the fuck do I live." Emma muttered to herself before glancing down at the floor, "Wait a second."
"What is it?" Cora asked as she came around to Emma.
Emma kneeled down and picked up a small clump of hair… or rather fur.
"Fur." Emma said as she held the small clump up.
"Ruby I told you to shave in the bathroom." Granny groaned out.
"Um that isn't mine." Ruby replied.
"No this looks more like… rabbit fur." Cora replied as they examined it.
"Granny, have you killed any rabbits lately?" Emma asked seriously.
"What do I look like to you? A butcher? Fuck no." Granny replied as she looked at the hair.
"Why on earth is there rabbit hair?" Emma wondered aloud.
"No idea… but we are going to find out." Cora replied before turning back to the group, "Make sure you put air fresheners around the place, tell the neighbors too. Spread it around town and we will do the same."
Emma nodded in agreement before glancing down to her phone, "Regina's calling me, I gotta take this."
The group nodded as Emma hit the button and answered the call, "Hey babe what's up?"
"Emma I need you to come home right away."
"Sure thing, is everything okay?"
"Someone is in the house…It sounds like… *pause*… It sounds like they're cleaning? WHO THE FUCK IS CLEANING MY HOME?!"
"Babe shhhh shhh I need you to stay as quiet as possible. What room are you in?"
"I'm in our bathroom."
"Okay I need you to stay there. We're on our way, just hang tight."
"When I get a hold of this fuck-."
Emma glanced at her phone as Regina hung up the phone.
"He's at my house. Let's go!" Emma said quickly before rushing out of the door with Cora, Ruby, and Granny.
"I'll transport us, it'll be quicker." Cora said seriously before magicking them outside of the mansion.
"Ruby, Granny you two take the back of the house, Cora and I will take the front." Emma said before pulling out her gun and moving to the nearest window as the rest of the group split up.
Emma and Cora both peeked through their windows and examined the scene.
"That explains the rabbit hair." Cora muttered and gestured for Emma to come to her window.
Emma peered through and took in the scene.
"Is… Is that a fucking rabbit dusting the fireplace?" Emma asked in disbelief.
"It sure is. Bastards." Cora growled out.
"Is Bambi doing laundry?!" Emma squeaked out.
Cora turned to look at Emma seriously, "You know Bambi?"
"Wait… That is actually Bambi?" Emma asked with wide eyes.
"Of course it is. You live in a town of fairytale characters and you're surprised Bambi is folding your clothes… please. And just so you know, I wouldn't tango with him… He is one bad buck." Cora warned seriously before peering in through the window more, "I spot him."
"You mean to tell me this guy is working with fucking animals?" Emma asked.
"You're damn right."
"What kind of psycho goes around cleaning fucking houses with animals!?" Emma growled out.
"I say we go in and find out." Cora said seriously as she cocked her gun.
Emma nodded in agreement and the two stood abruptly and ran to the door.
"On three… one… two… THREE!" Emma counted and burst through the door. "Everybody freeze!"
"PAWS IN THE AIR BITCHES!" Cora yelled as she pointed her gun.
One of the rabbits tried to make a bolt for it and Cora pulled the trigger.
"NOOOOOO!" Came the scream from the culprit as the rabbit hit the ground. "RASPUTIN!"
"The rabbits name was Rasputin?" Cora asked seriously to Emma, the blonde gave a shrug in reply, "Well that was cause enough to shoot him."
"No one move!" Emma growled out as she moved more into the house, "Keep your hands where I can… MOM!?"
"Hi honey." Snow said sheepishly as she held up a toothbrush.
"White chocolate!? You crazy bitch! It's been you this entire time?" Cora demanded as she holstered her gun.
"You're damn right, and I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids."
"You need to stop watching Scooby Doo." Emma muttered before she holstered her gun, "What the hell are you doing?"
"Cleaning."
"Obviously." Cora scoffed, eyeing the spotless room.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN HERE!?" Came Regina's husky voice from the stairs and she waddled down the last few steps and approached the group, "Someone care to tell me why Snow White and her woodland posse is in my home?"
"Yes do tell White Chocolate." Cora urged.
"Hey watch who you're speaking to lady." Bambi said, grunting as well.
"You talk?" Emma asked dumbfounded.
"Hey Bambi, did you cry when they shot your mother?" Cora asked.
"Cora!" Snow exclaimed.
"Ha ha, very funny, not like I haven't heard that joke before." Bambi replied.
"We are a respectable cleaning service." Snow said calmly.
"You're breaking in to people's homes." Emma replied seriously.
"It's part of the job." Bambi replied.
"So was eating your mom." Cora commented, making Emma slap the woman.
"You wanna say that to my face?" Bambi demanded.
"I just did tree head." Cora replied.
"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHY YOU ARE CLEANING MY HOME?!" Regina demanded, growing impatient.
"Your house was a mess." Snow replied easily.
"Yes well if you haven't noticed it's hard to clean when you're 8 months pregnant and your wife is as messy as a four year old."
"Hey!" Emma cried out.
"I'm sorry dear, an eight year old."
"That's better." Emma muttered as she crossed her arms and turned her attention back to her mother. "How is this a respectable cleaning service?"
"We do an excellent job." Snow replied.
"We aren't saying you don't." Cora began, "We are saying you're batshit crazy, going around town with a cleaning posse of animals and breaking into people's homes and cleaning."
"And?"
"And?!" cried Cora, Emma, and Regina.
"Everything alright?" Granny and Ruby asked as they entered and Granny cocked her crossbow.
"Snow?" Ruby asked surprised, "It was you?"
"Yes and I'd do it again I tell ya! Mess! Mess everywhere! It was filthy!" Snow cried out.
"Your mother is seriously off her rocker." Cora said seriously.
"I am more than aware." Emma muttered as she looked at the group of animals.
"Fairytale Phresh." Bambi said.
"I'm sorry?" The group asked.
"The name of our cleaning service is Fairytale Phresh. Spelled with a 'PH' because we're hardcore like that."
"Wow bro." Cora muttered.
"DON'T BRO ME IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" Bambi yelled as he stomped his hooves.
"Alright lets just calm down!" Emma yelled out before turning to the animals, "all of you, since I can't arrest you, I suggest you all take off before it becomes open season."
Bambi gave a snort of irritation.
"That means you burger boy." Emma replied seriously and watched as the group left, "Mom you're gonna have to come down to the station, I gotta lock you up."
"NEVER!" Snow cried as she tried to flee.
"I'm on it!" Cora yelled as she barreled after Snow and dove at her.
"Get off me Cora!"
"NOT ON YOUR LIFE WHITE CHOCOLATE!" Cora yelled back and held tight as Emma came over and cuffed her mother and passed her to Cora to take out to the cruiser.
"You okay baby?" Emma asked seriously as she approached her wife.
"Oh yes, Snow White, my mother-in-law, was in my home with her woodland friends cleaning my house under the cleaning service name of Fairytale Phresh… yes I am peachy." Regina replied haughtily.
"Don't be like that. I'm taking her down to the station, I'll take care of it." Emma said soothingly as she wrapped her arms around her wife's waist.
"You'd better." Regina replied, as her own arms snaked around her wife's neck, "Don't let your father bail her out for at least two days."
"No problem there." Emma said with a laugh before kissing Regina gently. "I'll take care of it."
"Alright." Regina said with a sigh as she kissed her wife once more, "Go put her crazy ass in a cell."
"Okay, I'll be back for dinner and I'm bringing the deputy with me." Emma said with a smile, making Regina give one of her own.
"Yes I suppose that is acceptable." Regina laughed lightly and leaned in to kiss her wife again when…
"KAAAAOOOOOOOAAAAAKKKKKKK!"
"FUCKING CLAUD!" Emma yelled out and ran after the bird that was in their home squawking away. "GET OUT!"
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, again I am sorry its been so long.
I would love to say I will update regularly again but with it being golf season and my life being pretty crazy I don't know when I will update again but I will try and make it soon I promise.
Don't forget to review
