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"Vengeance is a lazy form of grief." – Silvia Broome, 'The Interpreter'

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Chapter 28

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"See anything?" Jack asked Danny. They were standing at the edge where the parking lot met the Hudson. He scanned the area hoping for some indication of what Louis Baird may have seen. So far there was nothing but some trash floating at the water's edge.

"Nope," Danny replied as he examined the railing. "What a minute, I have something." He leaned forward for a closer look and said, "I think we have blood."

Jack stepped closer and examined the bloody smear on the top rail. "Yeah, you're right." He yelled out for CSI techs to come photograph the scene.

"What do you have?" Agent Levy asked. He was the head of the forensics unit. He was a soft spoken, patient man who Jack often thought of as his direct opposite.

"Blood smears." He pointed to the area in question. "I'm not expert but it looks like someone was trying to hold on to the rail." Levy nodded as he knelt down to study the area more closely. Jack looked out onto the water and grimly said, "I guess the question is whether he couldn't hold on or if someone helped him let go."

Fifteen minutes later the entire parking lot was filled with police cars, FBI vehicles, the forensics van and government officials carefully scouring every inch of the area where Louis disappeared.

Jack looked over to see Danny talking to Marvin Wintermute who looked more irritated at the inconvenience of having his place of business being a crime scene versus actual concern for Louis. Jack's hand tingled with delight at the thought of slapping Marvin before turning around in time to see two divers push off one of the boats to go below and continue the search underwater.

For a reason he couldn't quite explain he found himself offer up a silent prayer that they wouldn't find Louis' body, that he was going to be found somewhere else alive and well. He felt a connection to Louis and his predicament. He saw both the man he used to be and the man he was. He considered Louis with his single life and workaholic attitude and understood how close he came to traveling that exact same road. There was a time in his life when he resigned himself to living out his remaining days as a bachelor. And he was okay with that right up until the day he met Elaine. He still found it to be a miracle that after nine years of marriage that she hadn't left him. He knew he could be dark and brooding but she was the first woman that was able to draw him into the light. And on the days she couldn't, she wasn't afraid to visit him in the darkness.

And then there was the job situation. He completely related to Louis not wanting to give up his work. He understood how over so many years that the job became an inextricable part of a man's identity. While he was doing his best to put on a brave face about retiring the hard truth was that he couldn't fathom the idea of not working as an FBI agent. To get up everyday and not be able to go out and help find someone, to save someone from harms way, and most importantly, arrest someone who purposely hurt another human being. How in the hell could he possibly be expected to leave that life behind? He knew that he could work other areas in the bureau but it would make him feel even more inadequate to sit idly by doing paperwork while other agents were out there serving justice.

There was no middle ground. When it comes to Jack Malone it has to be all or nothing. The problem was that sometimes his extremes were too extreme.

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He sat on the bench, far away from the crowd that was slowly dissipating as the interviews of witnesses were being wrapped up. He tried not to look at their faces, the righteous angry faces mingled with sad pitying glances. He still wasn't sure which one stung more. Just beyond the crowd was the young man he attacked being lifted into the back of the ambulance. Jack knew he hadn't hurt the man enough to warrant such elaborate EMT concern but he also knew that it was a necessary step in a lawsuit.

As soon as the ambulance drove off he looked away, focusing his attention on a group of pigeons flapping their wings as they each tried to assert dominance over a pile of discarded French fries. The chubbiest bird was able to shove a few away and began pecking at one of the fries.

"Hungry?"

He turned and saw Elaine standing a few feet away. As soon as he was able to get his emotions back under control the first call he placed was to Elaine, asking her to meet him at the park as soon as possible.

He shook his head and replied, "Jealous. I bet they don't worry about their cholesterol and blood pressure."

"I'm sure their wives still don't encourage them to eat that stuff," she replied, giving him a gentle smile as she sat down beside him. She looked over at the crowd of gawkers and police officers before softly asking, "Want to tell me what happened?"

He cleared his throat that was aching with emotion. "I lost it." He released a heavy breath and continued, "I'm just so mad. There is so much rage inside of me about what that bastard did to my daughter that I just, I just needed somewhere to focus it." He bit the inside of his cheek; trying really hard to not let his emotions overwhelm him again. "I honestly thought I was helping a woman, rescuing her from being attacked, but instead I just railed on her boyfriend because all I could see was the man who hurt Kate trying to hurt someone else."

Elaine didn't say anything, she simply reached over and took his hand in hers, giving it a tight squeeze.

"It's tearing me up inside," he continued, each word crossing his lips like shards of glass that cut and stung as they were being spoken aloud. "I am the guy who protects victims, who rescues people and helps them get justice either through their life or through their death. But when it comes to my daughter I am fucking useless." Despite his best efforts a single tear fell from his eye. "I let both my daughters down when they were kids and I am still letting them down. I always rationalized that I worked so hard to keep the bad guys off the street so I could protect them and the world they lived in but I didn't, did I? I failed them then and I am failing her now but not being able to find this son-of-a-bitch."

Elaine released her grip and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. "Don't you keep thinking that way, Jack Malone," she had tears in her eyes but her voice was one of fierce conviction. "Your daughters love you very much and you have not failed them. The only way you fail them is by punishing yourself by thinking that you are some sort of super hero with supernatural powers." She reached up, holding his face in her hands. "You couldn't do anything to prevent what happened, Jack. No more than you can stop the sun from rising or stop the snow from falling. You need to stop blaming yourself. It doesn't help you or Kate." She gently brushed her thumbs over his cheeks and finished, "She knows you are doing everything you can but she also knows that she needs her father more than she needs a vigilante."

He bit his lip as hard as he could, knowing that the pain would keep his emotions in check. He nodded his head, letting Elaine's words sink in as she enveloped him into a warm embrace.

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He heard a large splashing sound and looked out onto the water to see some frenzied action where the divers had emerged. He watched as the boat crew hurried to the side of the boat and began talking animatedly with one of the divers. He didn't have to hear what they were saying to know what they had found: Louis Baird's body.

"Agent Malone," Levy shouted as he ran over to where he stood.

"Yeah?" Jack replied, waiting expectantly for the final confirmation. "Let me guess, you found my missing person."

"Yes, we did," Levy replied breathlessly. "But we didn't just find him, we also found the body of a young woman."