Title: "Keep Your Pants On" (Et cetera.)

Fandom: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon

Prompt: 1103 (Sweat)

Character/Pairing: Mizuno Ami, Zane Murphy/Zoisite; Zoisite x Ami

Rating: M / PG-16 / Teen

Word Count: 3,200

Summary: Zane has trouble keeping his pants on around Ami. She's not so convinced it's accidental anymore – even when it actually is.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Authors Notes: College-aged/pre-Crystal Tokyo. This crack-filled mess was actually written last year during the SenShi Reverse Mini Bang (it was a bit of insanity inspired by the various drafts of the pic I drew for Ellorgast's wonderful fic "A Jar of Blue", which if you haven't read yet is amazing and you totally should), but I was waiting to post it until the MB fic was posted – aaaand then apparently I forgot about it/lost the file? Yikes. Found this when editing another fic. It's…a cracky mess that revolves around the headcanon monster that is (Accidental) Exhibitionist Zoisite. I firmly believe he's 100% confident in his body and Does Not Care who sees him naked, especially if it's Ami. For her part, Ami is Awkward About Everything and Does Not Need to See His Dangly Bits, Thank You Very Much. Not that that keeps him from trying, of course. And what the ever-loving hell. This started as (Accidental) Exhibitionist Zane and turned into Horndog Zane Trying To Get Into Ami's Pants. I'm not even sorry. xD

Also, just to clear it up right now: there is Language ahoy, and (not-so-accidental) Nudity, and Things Are Alluded To at the end, but this is perfectly safe. Nothing overly explicit here beyond some well-meaning low-brow humor. (Y'know: when you're a kid you make fart jokes. When you're an adult you make dick jokes. (If you're Monty Python you make both.) Same crass humor difference, really.)

"Keep Your Pants On"

Or: "Five Times Ami Didn't Mean to See Zane Naked (And Once She Did)"

or: "In Which Zane Enjoys Flustering Ami Entirely Too Much"

or: "In Which Zane Really Just Wants To Be Naked (with Ami)"

The first time Ami saw Zane naked was a complete and total accident.

(At least, if you asked her it was. Zane would stand by the fact that, by the time it finally happened, he'd been trying to get her to see him naked for a little over two months. And really, it wasn't that he was trying to get her to see him naked. He was just trying to get them both naked in the same room at the same time. The seeing was a natural consequence of the Wanting To Be Naked, specifically the Wanting To Be Naked With Ami.)

(…but that's beside the point.)

Ami had had no intention of seeing Zane naked when she did. She had had no idea that he had been carefully planning his day, delaying certain tasks here and there to ensure that – by the time she knocked on his door for their study date at six fifteen – he would be just walking out of the shower, a towel slung casually over his shoulder instead of lodged firmly about his waist (where Ami steadfastly believed it belonged).

The towel certainly came in handy when she fainted, though. (He was fairly certain the fainting was directly caused by the sudden nosebleed, which he used the towel to mop up.)

– V –

The second time was also (mostly) accidental.

They were enjoying milkshakes after a lovely lunch at the Crown, and she was looking up movie times on her phone for the next phase of their date. He leaned over when she looked up, and some Awkward Flailing on her part as he attempted to kiss her led to the remainder of his milkshake spilling into his lap. She was absolutely mortified, of course, but he merely laughed it off. (After all, he was fine with the movie being delayed since his needing to change meant another chance to Be Naked With Ami. He was a rather ambitious man, and he would never pass up an opportunity to Be Naked With Ami.)

Her apartment was closer, so he had waited in the living room as she rummaged through her room for something that might fit him. When the only thing she could find was a pair of old track pants that would still be entirely too short on his lanky frame, she popped into Makoto's room and borrowed a pair of jeans she was certain Nate had forgotten the last time he was over. (Zane would still have to roll up the cuffs, but she figured that was better than track pants that would look more like waders. Of course, she could always offer him one of her skirts, but those would definitely fall too short.)

When she returned to the living room, she had screamed when she found him in the process of removing his boxers.

"W-what in Selene's good name are you doing?!" she shrieked, slamming her eyes shut and whirling around.

"Changing," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. With her back turned she failed to see the devilish grin curling his lips. "The milkshake soaked through. Those for me?"

"Clothes – bathroom – now!" she spluttered, blindly chucking Nate's jeans at him.

She shrieked again when he passed by and smacked a kiss against her cheek, his chuckle echoing in her ears after the bathroom door clicked shut.

– V –

By the third time, she was starting to think it wasn't accidental at all.

They had been dating for almost six months, and to celebrate she invited him over for a home-cooked meal. He had been amused to no ends by this, as he hadn't actually realized that she could cook, but he had been delighted all the same. (Especially since she had assured him that Makoto (and Nate) would be nowhere near the apartment during their meal, which meant – to him – another opportunity to Be Naked With Ami. He was nothing if not dedicated to his task.)

She was stirring the pot on the stove when he came up behind her, and she almost started enjoying the way he was peppering kisses along her neck until she felt his bare arms brush against her own. She was fairly certain he had been wearing a sweater when he'd arrived. In fact, she was quite certain, as she remembered thinking how cozy it looked and how much she'd like to borrow it, if he'd let her.

She nearly broke the wooden spoon in half when she heard the front door open, followed by a catcall and Makoto saying, "Damn, Zane – nice ass!"

– V –

The fourth time it happened, she knew it wasn't an accident at all.

(Ironically enough, it was the one time that Zane hadn't actually planned on her seeing him naked – though, after all of the times he actually had tried to get her to see him naked, he would never be able to convince her of this.)

When she arrived outside his apartment door with Minako in toe, both girls had hesitated at the shouting coming from behind the door. Minako had proceeded to barge in with her usual brazen flair, not even bothering to knock as she produced the key Kassim had given her the month prior, and Ami had nervously followed her into the apartment their dates shared. The shouting had been coming from the living room, where the two men stood on opposite sides of the sofa. Kassim looked ready to go, though his expression was anything but amused as he stood authoritatively with his arms folded across his chest. Zane had looked…well, he had been naked.

Again.

Both girls' eyes had widened: Minako's in amused delight, Ami's in abject horror. Zane had been drenched – the sound of running water coming from the bathroom attesting to exactly how Not Ready for their date he had been – and was gesticulating wildly as he shouted at Kassim. Kassim let him rant, occasionally cutting in with a remark about how much time he was wasting and how the girls were going to be there any minute and could he please just stop shouting and go put some clothes on, while Minako and Ami continued to gawk at the train wreck unfolding before them.

Apparently, Zane had been taking too long in the shower (after taking too long to get ready in general), so Kassim had started running the kitchen faucet. (It was an old complex with poor plumbing – the blotchy burns screaming on Zane's skin attested to that.)

"I mean," Minako finally said, cutting into their fight and drawing two sets of startled eyes their way, "I have no problem with a naked double date, but I think the police might have something to say about it. Plus, Ami's bound to pass out from blood loss if you don't put a towel on, Zane."

"A-Ami!" Zane screeched, unfortunately turning to face her as he took notice. Ami's eyes grew larger, a startled squeak slipping past her lips, as her face rivaled the color of his burns. "A stór, I'm so sorry – I'll just be a mo, and then…Ami? A stór, are you all right?"

She knew she shouldn't be looking. Really, she did. But it was right there, and he wasn't doing anything to cover himself, and she just couldn't look away. Minako was cackling beside her as she balled up her shawl and tossed it to the flustered man. He caught it and let it fumble from his hands – and while he still made no direct move to cover himself, the shawl's unfurled state at least managed to drape over the necessary bits. Enough to snap Ami out of her stupor, at least.

"I…" she croaked, audibly gulping as she finally looked up to find him staring at her with concern and more than a little amusement. He actually had the nerve to waggle his eyebrows at her, and with that one gesture she was Done. He opened his mouth, no doubt to make some ridiculous comment about her liking what she saw, when she started shrieking at him. "All right, really?! What the hell, Murphy?! Are you completely incapable of keeping your damn clothes on?!"

"Aw, Ami, c'mon: it's just a bit of harmless nudity," Minako laughed, patting her shoulder. "He's European – they're way better with that than we are."

"That's actually not true," Kassim tried to cut in, but Ami wasn't hearing it. She stomped over to Zane and jabbed a finger at his chest, ignoring the bemused grin he was giving her (or the way he dropped the shawl to try to hold her arms and stop the poking – she would NOT be looking down again, thank you Very Much).

"Keep your goddamned clothes on – especially if you ever want to see me with mine off!" she huffed, jabbing him a few extra times for good measure. He went to catch her finger with her last poke, but she twirled on her heel and stormed out of the apartment, shouting after her, "I don't feel like seeing a movie anymore!"

"Ami, come on, please!" he called, scrambling after her with Minako on his heels. (She would later learn that Kassim had just groaned and gone to make a strong cup of tea, picking up a takeout menu from the drawer on his way.) By the time they caught up with her, she was waiting for the elevator. "Ami, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad – look, I'll go finish getting ready, and we can still make the movie with plenty o-"

"Oh my God!"

They all froze at the startled gasp. The guys' neighbor, a busty brunette who was scantily dressed even by Minako's standards, was just leaving her apartment. Her wide eyes were locked on Zane, an appreciative grin curling her lips as she took in all he had to offer. He smiled and waved, nodding slightly, and Ami shrieked again. He jumped and turned back to her, shouting that he was just saying hello.

"Not the damn point, Murphy!" Ami snapped, pressing the elevator button a few more times. He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, giving her his best Puppy Eyes.

"A stór, c'mon," he cooed, "You can't really be that mad about –"

"CLOTHES!" Ami shrieked, yanking her hand back as she slammed her eyes shut and took a step back.

"Oh, he certainly doesn't need them," his neighbor said, and he snapped at her that she wasn't really helping and could she please just move on? When she proceeded to give him another considering once-over, Minako stepped in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Oi, bint!" she snapped. "Not your dick to ogle – it's hers! Now move along!"

"Oh my God!" Ami screamed, her face flaming as the elevator doors finally dinged open and she escaped inside. She shoved Zane out with a final warning when he tried to follow her, and once the doors slid shut she collapsed against the wall.

…in retrospect, she thought as she attempted to steady her racing heart, it wasn't really that he looked bad. He hadn't looked bad at all…

– V –

The fifth time she was almost ok with it.

Especially since it was in a group setting and he wasn't the only one expected to be on display.

With finals over and all of them needing a well-deserved break, Minako had booked them a weekend at a nearby hot spring. Even Mamoru had managed to wrangle some time away from the hospital, and Usagi was toting it as their first "family vacation". Ami had been to many hot springs before, and she was well aware of the fact that she would have the option to be naked in the water (she could also wear a towel, which she typically preferred). She had not, however, been to this particular hot spring before. So when she exited the changing room with Makoto, a towel firmly held against her body, she hadn't exactly expected to look up and see Zane's bare ass disappearing into the water before her.

"Just get in the water, Murphy – nobody wants to see your pasty Irish ass," Nate groused as Ami froze beside Makoto. Nate, whose American prudishness possibly only rivaled Joji's temple upbringing, was wearing his swim trunks.

"You know you're just jealous yours isn't as great as mine," Zane heckled, sighing blissfully as he leaned back against a rock. Mamoru, who was submerged a short distance from him, rolled his eyes and splashed some water his way. Zane stuck his tongue out at their liege. "Bet you Mako's naked, too, you Puritan."

"Mako actually prefers to keep herself covered so the only eyes seeing her naked are Nate's," Makoto stated primly as she left Ami's side and hugged Nate, who had a self-satisfied smirk curling his lips. Zane rolled his eyes and went to reply – probably something scathing – when his eyes landed on Ami. She was still frozen by the entrance.

To be fair, he had gotten better since the Elevator Incident the previous month. He had honestly made an attempt at being more modest around her, seeming to accept that when she wanted him naked she'd get him naked (and he would most certainly be more than happy to oblige when that time came). Her threat of his never seeing her naked had honestly seemed to work. So when his eyes landed on her, standing there with a vice-like death grip on her towel, he actually looked nervous.

"H-hey, a stór," he said. "You…you coming in?"

"Ami, sweetie?" she jumped at Usagi's voice, glancing quickly to find her pigtailed friend beside her. A towel was hanging loosely in her hands, but Ami could tell she had removed it to get in the spring. (None of them were under any illusions of exactly how much of the future queen the future king had seen, or how long ago that particular issue had been resolved. Which was fine – for them. Ami had no problem with her friends being naked around each other. It was just Zane's being naked – and her being naked – around each other that she wasn't ready for.) A worried frown was creasing her princess's brow, and Usagi leaned in to whisper to her. "Minako told me about…are you ok? Did she warn you the springs weren't separate?"

Ami gave a quick jerk of her head. No, she had not.

"You can join the others in the spa, if you'd like," Mamoru called, shooting a warning look to the youngest of his Shitennou. Zane held up his hands.

"Hey, I'll be good! Promise, Ami – don't leave because of me," he said – almost begged. He gave her a hopeful smile and held out a hand. "Please? I'd really like you to stay, a stór."

She took a deep, steadying breath and slowly nodded. Usagi squealed in delight as she brought her to the spring. Their princess's towel disappeared the moment she was under the water, but Ami kept hers lodged firmly in place as she stiffly sat beside her boyfriend.

The others fell into easy conversation, and before Ami realized it she was actually leaning against Zane's chest with his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders. True to his word, he was the perfect (naked) gentleman.

And, Ami couldn't help but think as his bare skin touched her own…it was nice.

– V –

And then, of course, came the time she actually (finally) wanted it to happen.

And of course, by this time she had so desperately avoided Naked Zane that he was beginning to think she never wanted to be naked with him, so the whole thing took him by surprise, too.

Due to the exacting nature of their coursework, most of their dates until this point had been of the study nature. She had actually been rather excited once the semester was over and she was able to invite him over just to enjoy a movie. And while Zane had also been eager to spend some none-academic time with her, his motives had been purely innocent – he had even suggested a friendly game of bilingual Scrabble or, he had joked with a well-placed eyebrow waggle, they could always pull out Operation. Hers…she took a deep breath and looked herself over in the mirror one last time. Her intentions were definitely much less innocent.

By her estimation, she had roughly three weeks to enjoy as much down time with Zane as she could before her summer internship started.

And, recalling some of their more recent kisses and the way he had felt (and looked) at the hot spring, she really didn't want to waste any of it.

He had arrived with takeout and a selection of movies, and the evening had been off to a splendid start. With Makoto spending the night at Nate's, they had commandeered the living room: he sat on the couch with his feet propped on the coffee table, and she was sprawled out beside him with her head in his lap.

"This is nice," he said about halfway through the first movie. She hummed in agreement as his fingers played with her hair. "Just you, me, no classwork…I could get used to this, a stór. And look – I'm not even trying to take my pants off!"

She snorted, and he chuckled as he bent over and kissed her forehead. When she turned slightly, arching her neck to catch his lips before he could retreat, he grinned at her and asked, "Comfy?"

"Very," she murmured. She hesitated only a moment before she gathered her courage. The next thing he knew, her hand was slowly drawing up his thigh. "But…I could be…comfier?"

"I-is that so?" he asked, his breath hitching the higher her hand got.

He didn't quite know what happened after that. One minute they were watching the movie, the next she was straddling his lap as he ravaged her mouth – or was she ravaging his? He groaned as she moved her lips against his jaw, placing kisses against his neck as she slid her hands under his shirt. He cursed when her nails scratched against him, and he could feel her smirk curling her lips from their place on his skin. And then her hands were gone, and his head fell back in bliss as she – oh! Oh. Ok.

"A-Ami, wait! What…what are you doing, a stór?" he asked, his voice sounding severe with the effort he was taking to keep his breathing under control. He reached out, his hands burning where they touched her bare arms. She bit her lower lip, suddenly looking very unsure of herself as her hands fluttered around the buttons of her shirt. "What are we doing here, love?"

"I just…I thought…don't you want to?" she asked, looking up at him from under her lashes and shattering any bits of the (increasingly fragile) resolve he had left.

"God, yes," he breathed, crushing his lips to hers.

Ami had never seen a man get naked so fast in her entire life. Though, to be fair, even with her medical background she had never actually had cause to get a man completely naked before. Still, she found the feat…rather impressive.

Rather impressive, indeed.