It seemed that all of Remus' friends, and pretty much every other seventh year in Hogwarts had decided to spend the day lounging on the grounds. It was a Sunday in mid-May, two weeks before they were due to start N.E.W.T.S and everyone was breaking from the harsh amounts of studying they'd been doing. Even Remus had left his books in his dormitory, though his friends had had to coax him a bit. It was nice though, being outside with his friends. James, Sirius, and Peter were all tickling the giant squid while standing in the shallow water of the Black Lake. Lily was a ways away, laughing with some girls Remus didn't know too well.
Anna the Ravenclaw, Camellia's friend, was having a water fight via wand with some of her other friends. Remus couldn't see Camellia from his seated position against a tree, but he assumed she was out on the grounds as well. He'd guess she was with Anna, or the Hufflepuff she was friends with, but he wished she was beside him.
With all the time they'd spent together in the last month, he felt closer to her than ever before. He knew her fears, her hopes, her guilt about feeling happy, and she knew the vast majority of his secrets. And, she wanted to live with him. Remus wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that particular issue. While living with Camellia would be fun, and might bring them closer, he was worried it would actually make her grow tired of him. Remus wanted to remain her friend for as long as possible. Also, he refused to live off her money, and without a solid job he'd never be able to afford even a decent flat. He'd mentioned her idea to his friends and they were all for it, though when it came to Camellia they wanted everything to happen. His friends knew Remus had feelings for her, and they were trying to drop hints to her every time she was around. They also seemed to find her intriguing, for they kept trying to go up and talk to her, though mostly that was Sirius and Lily.
Remus closed his eyes, letting the warmth from the sun soak into his skin. He wanted to be with Camellia, to enjoy the peace together and just stay with each other. But he knew that was dangerous, so he frequently worried about her finding out and hating him for it. Those thoughts were always wiped away when she smiled at him.
It wasn't long before he heard footsteps approaching him. He assumed it was his friends so with a resigned sigh he opened his eyes. Before him was the wide smile of Camellia Norewood, and she was holding out a piece of parchment. "What's-"
"Read it," she said proudly. "I rewrote all of my essays for Professor Binns, and look at the top. I can't believe he actually took the time to write this, can you?"
Remus took the parchment, almost excited to read it because it had made her so happy. On the top were the words: You're the most promising History of Magic student I've had. I look forward to reading your future works.
"Nearly seven years in his class and not a single word from him, and now this. It's...It's amazing, Remus, isn't it? Or...Or do you think it's just a thing he says to all of his seventh years, or-"
"No, it's definitely amazing," Remus interrupted, grinning at her. "I know how much this means to you; I'm really happy for you,"
"I thought you'd want to see it, since it's only happening because of you," She sounded almost sheepish, though Remus couldn't tell why. "I would have failed if you hadn't wanted to help me,"
"Of course I would have wanted to help you, Camellia," Remus said, scooting over slightly as Camellia sat down beside him. She rested her head on Remus' shoulder, which made him freeze for a moment before he quickly relaxed again. Remus felt her head shift, and he was pretty sure she was watching Anna with a fond expression on her face. Even though she'd neglected to spend a lot of time with the Ravenclaw because she'd been studying with him, but Remus knew she still adored Anna.
For a while they just sat like that, Remus beginning to wonder what it would be like if they could sit like they were every day, but then he heard a large amount of happy squealing from their left. Camellia sat up in an instant and looked around, and they quickly spotted Lily staring at them. Remus' friends, as well as Anna the Ravenclaw, were hurrying over and all wore wide grins. "So it's finally happened then?" James asked, smiling. "It's about time, Remus, we thought you'd never get around to asking her,"
"Ask-What?" Camellia asked, sounding confused. His friends didn't seem to notice the tone though, because they were all still smiling.
"A Slytherin and a Gryffindor, I never would have believed it," Sirius said, his smile as wide as James'. "Well, I mean if I hadn't seen the two of you together just then I wouldn't have believed it. Nice job finally working up the courage, Remus,"
"The courage-" Camellia began, but Remus' eyes widened.
"No! No, guys, it's not what you think, please just shut up,"
"Not-But did you see yourself just now?" Lily asked, sounding about as confused as Camellia.
"Remus?"
"Camellia it's nothing important, I promise,"
"Nothing important, sure," Anna the Ravenclaw said, rolling her eyes as she approached them and went to stand next to Camellia who was rising herself. Remus stood as well, looking nervously between his friends and Camellia. "I'm not even friends with him and I can see it, Cam. Ask him what he thinks of you,"
"Look I may not be incredibly smart like the rest of you," Camellia said, a hint of anger in her voice. "But you've all been dancing around something for a long time now. Remus, you always say it's nothing but if it keeps getting brought up then it must be something important. So you can either tell me what it is, or I just won't talk to you until you do,"
Suddenly, Remus' friends and Anna were all backing away. It was as if they knew they'd pushed too far and didn't want to deal with anyone's wrath when what Remus was forced into saying was let out. Remus really didn't want to say anything, because he knew how this would end. Camellia would call him a monster, say she hated him for how he felt, and never speak to him again. It was the opposite of what he needed in that moment, especially since he'd just been close to her. To be close and have her ripped away would not be good.
"Oh sure, back off now! Anna, we'll be speaking later!" Camellia called as her friend left, but Anna only gave a thumbs-up in response and continued to run away. Lily went back to her friends nervously while Remus' friends wandered back to the Black Lake. The giant squid was gone, so they just stood and glanced back at Remus and Camellia. "Remus?"
"It's going to ruin everything," Remus muttered, his gaze firmly on Camellia's shoes. "It's going to ruin everything which is exactly why I didn't want you to find out. And it probably won't even last, I don't...This is so stupid, Camellia,"
"Remus just get it out, alright?"
He shook his head and rubbed his face with his hands, though Camellia seemed to ignore how uncomfortable he was. "It's...Since the start of our friendship last year, I seem to have developed certain...certain…" He took a deep breath, remembering his father's letter from when he'd first realized his feelings. If only, he thought, he had faith that Camellia wouldn't hate him. "Do you remember how I said I felt differently about you than I did about my other friends?"
Camellia nodded, frowning. "Is it a bad difference?"
"Not...You might see it that way," Remus muttered. "It's different because...because I adore my friends, you know that. And I adore you too, because you're my friend, but it's just…"
"This is a lot of dancing around the issue," Camellia said, and then offered Remus a kind smile. "I don't bite you know. Just say whatever it is you're so desperate to hide from me, Remus. I won't judge you,"
"The difference...what I feel for you, Camellia, it's more of a...romantic thing, not...not just friendship,"
Remus glances at her face, finally, to see it growing pale and shocked. "Y-You-You mean to say that you…" She can't even finish her sentence. Remus felt himself growing warm, and he looked down once again to stop the sensation from getting worse.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, knowing this would be the end of his friendship with Camellia Norewood. He felt so ashamed of himself, and he was mad that he'd chosen to believe she wouldn't be upset. He should have fought harder to not have to tell her anything.
"Remus-"
He shook his head and shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers. "You don't have to say anything, I already know," And before she can even manage to say his name again, he walks away. Not to his surprise, Camellia didn't follow. No, the footsteps following him as he walks into the castle most certainly belong to James. Remus wasn't really keen on speaking to his friends at the moment, considering he wouldn't have had to tell Camellia if they hadn't brought up once again that there was a secret he was keeping from her. "I'm not in the mood," he said shortly.
"Remus, mate, we thought-"
"I don't care what you thought, because you thought wrong. And now everything's ruined with her. Happy, are you? You lot never liked her in the first place,"
"Remus don't be stupid-"
Remus can't control the anger that's building up in his chest. He can't help feeling like he's going to explode, and while it's bad he knows it will be James who gets the worst of his anger. "Sure, insult my intelligence now," Remus spat, turning around angrily to face his friend. "As if I needed that on top of her basically agreeing that I'm a monster and don't deserve to even have feelings,"
"Remus I'm sure she-"
"Do you honestly think I give a damn about what you think right now? Everything's ruined because you all couldn't keep your mouths shut. I'm perfectly capable of handling my own problems, James, and I believe I've told you that on multiple occasions. I'm not some bloody child you have to watch out for every five seconds!" James opened his mouth to respond but Remus shook his head so he'd stop. "I'm going to shout if this goes on any longer. I'll just...I'll see you later, I need...I need you all to just leave me alone for a while,"
James looked shocked, but all that made Remus think of was the expression on Camellia's face, and that made him feel even angrier. Not at her, not even at his friends, but at himself. He had been stupid, to tell her instead of holding his ground and telling her no. He could have kept it a secret, because surely he'd been close to convincing himself that monsters don't deserve people like Camellia Norewood, but now that chance was gone. Now he had feelings out in the open that Camellia could spread around and make fun of, if she wanted to.
Remus ended up not speaking to Camellia for a good two weeks. If it upset her at all, she didn't show it and instead just sat at their usual table in the library. Sometimes Regulus Black joined her, and Remus was sure he'd been replaced. And he knew it was wrong to be angry about that, because he was the one who'd ruined everything and she had every right to put some normality back in her life, but it was still upsetting. He was embarrassed too, because he suddenly found himself jealous of Sirius' younger brother and the way he got to just sit by her and laugh with her.
He wanted- "Mr. Lupin, you're up," sounded from Remus' left and he jumped a bit in his seat. James looked concerned, Remus could tell because he'd turned around to look at him. It was the middle of their last Defense Against the Dark Arts class before N.E.W.T.S and they were practicing common spells that would come up. At the same time, half of the class was being exposed to some kind of creature or spell that they had to deal with. Remus was supposed to go up and demonstrate the Patronus charm, which he'd been able to do since the previous year. It wasn't the full patronus yet, but he was sure it was going to get there soon.
As he walked to the front of the room, he struggled to come up with a happy memory to use. Everything with Camellia felt tainted now, because she thought him a monster, and while he could use one with his friends he was still irritated with them. In the end, he chose the moment where Professor Dumbledore had made a trip to his home, and told him that he'd be able to attend Hogwarts like the rest of the wizards and witches his age. The memory ended up producing a weak, gray mist that made him turn a bright red.
"Can I-Can I do that again?" he asked, and the professor frowned. "I can do better, I know I can,"
"One more chance. I can guarantee class, that no one will find that impressive if they're observing your skills in Defense Against the Dark Arts,"
Remus' color worsens and he avoids looking toward the back of the room, where Camellia was sitting beside Anna. Camellia was a little cold toward her Ravenclaw friend, Remus could tell, but at least she was still talking to Anna. Camellia hadn't even tried to talk to him. Before he could stop himself, the memory in his mind was when he and Camellia had sat at the top of a tree together. And as he spoke the spell a creature popped out of his wand that made Remus' eyes widen.
After a large amount of praise from the professor, Remus went back to his seat with a surprised and frustrated look on his face. "Congratulations, mate," James said with a small smile. "A corporeal patronus, that's impressive,"
"It's a bloody wolf," Remus complained, forgetting for a moment that he was still a bit upset with his friends. "It follows me everywhere, doesn't it? I'm never casting it again, I hope you know,"
"Still, it was impressive," Sirius said with a small grin.
Remus rolled his eyes and grumpily turned to the front of the classroom, only to see Camellia walking up with an irritated expression on her face. She went right past him without even looking in his direction, and Remus sighed quietly. He'd never admit it to her or his friends, but he missed Camellia. "Ready to show us how to-"
"I'd rather not, but if I must," Camellia said, and there was a chuckle from Anna that had Camellia's eyes flashing toward her friend. The professor was a bit ruffled from the comment, but with a flick of a wand opened a cabinet in front of Camellia. In it was a boggart, Remus knew, but out of stepped...Camellia? Only she looked different, he noticed, and the real Camellia's face went pale.
The boggart was a copy of her, with its lips sewn shut and a dark mark clear on the pale skin of her left arm. She looked dirty, and her eyes looked crazy, and Remus could tell the image was unsettling to the girl he used to call a friend. "R-Riddikulus," she said shakily, and the image flickered and changed. This time it was Max laying on the floor, with eyes wide open. Camellia's hand started to tremble and her fists clenched in frustration. "Riddikulus," she repeated, her voice still weak.
And suddenly, Remus himself was at the front of the classroom. Eyes turned to him and Remus knew he looked confused, and he instantly felt bad as well. Camellia was afraid of him, apparently, and she had every right to be. Remus turned red for the second time that class, and avoided making eye contact with his friends. "Miss Norewood if you can't-"
"Riddikulus," Camellia said firmly before turning and walking back to her seat. She didn't wait to see if she'd properly taken care of her boggart, and instead went and sat by Anna again, who looked concerned.
"Remus, mate-" Peter tried, and Remus shook his head.
"She's afraid of me, of what I am," he mumbled, looking ashamed. "I…"
He didn't speak again for the rest of the class, and his friends didn't ask him to. When the bell sounded and they were done for the day, Remus grabbed his bag and hurried out the door. He wanted to go to his table in the library, to hear Camellia tell him that it didn't matter, but apparently she was afraid of him and he wasn't going to push his presence on her. But suddenly he heard a girl's voice call, "Remus! Remus wait, please!"
He slowed slightly, assuming it was Lily and she was going to try to comfort him. He'd take anything he could get at this point. But it wasn't Lily who rested a hand on his arm, and it wasn't Lily who said, "Remus I know that looks bad, but it's not what that meant,"
When he realized it was Camellia who was touching him, he drew his arm back as if he'd been burned. "I don't care and it doesn't matter. I'll see you-"
"Remus please," Her voice was pleading and it was so unlike her that Remus had to stop and look at her. Any trace of the collected expression she usually wore was gone, and she looked tired and sad. He wanted nothing more, in that moment, than to see her smile once again. "I know you've changed your mind, but what you said by the lake freaked me out. Please-Please don't run away like you want to, I have to say this,"
"No, you don't," Remus said, his voice almost sounding choked. "I know how you feel, that boggart just proved it. You're afraid of me, because I'm a monster. You have been since I told you that night in the hospital wing. You hid it well, you know? I was stupid not to see it earlier,"
"Remus let me talk-"
"No, Camellia. I don't...I...Have you any idea how hard this is? To turn into that thing every month and tear myself apart and then have you, the first person I've really become friends with in six years, to have you afraid of me for something I have no control over…"
"What? Camellia asked, and Remus tried not to focus on the surprise on her face.
"That's why your boggart turned into me, and that's why...why when I told you how I felt, you looked at me and you were afraid,"
Remus watched surprise steal her features, and he was fairly certain his heart just stopped. Which wasn't a good thing, he knew, because it meant he still had a bit of hope when it came to her. "Remus, that's ridiculous. I don't care what you are, because it doesn't change you at all. Not the parts that matter, at least,"
"But then why-"
"Think about it," Camellia said, and Remus frowned at her. "Whoever I've been with has been decided by my brother. And Evan, well, he was awful and you know that. Christopher was using me, to get away from his family and marry that muggle girl he was in love with. First of all, you're one of my best friends. If I managed to screw this up, then I'd lose you. And I know I will, because I don't know what you'd expect of me, and I don't know what you'd want me to do to make you happy-"
Remus' eyes widened slightly. He hadn't thought that she'd have worries of her own, and he hadn't thought about what her experiences with relationships had been in the past. Camellia, he knew, had been raised being told that she had to do whatever she could to please her future partner, and that if she didn't please them the relationship would fail. She didn't seem to want to lose him as much as he didn't want to lose her. "I...Camellia if anything even happened, all I'd even want is for you to be yourself. That's who I like, not whatever person you pretend to be just to make me happy,"
Camellia looked at him skeptically. "But you're mad at me for-"
"I thought you were afraid of me. I'm sorry for snapping at you, it's just…"
"A touchy subject," Camellia said knowingly.
Remus looked at her gratefully, and nodded. "Did...Did you maybe want to go to the library? There's not much time left until N.E.W.T.S and we could study,"
"Don't...Shouldn't we talk about what you said?"
Remus shrugged and said, "How...How do you feel about me?"
"Similarly," Camellia said softly, and then added, "I don't want to because I know that I'll mess something up, but similar is a good description,"
"Maybe we just see where everything goes then?" Remus suggests.
Camellia nods then, and links her arm with Remus'. He manages a smile, a bit happier now that he's talk to her. He feels ridiculous for not trying to figure out why she'd looked the way she did earlier, but at least he knew now. And maybe it didn't come about the way he expected, but it wasn't too awful.
They spent the rest of the night studying in the library, and taking a small break to run down to the kitchen and grab some dinner. And it was nice, Remus decided, because now that his feelings were out in the open he felt less pressure.
