"In high school I concentrated on my studies and sports. I played basketball and baseball all four years. Some of the guys on the teams were really into partying, and there were always girls hanging around willing to do all kinds of crazy things with the players.

"I wanted to go to school at Northwestern. My dad had gone there, and I'd wanted to follow in his footsteps since I was a kid. I knew I had to keep up my grades and stay out of trouble if I was going to earn an admission, so when all the other guys partied I'd head home to study."

"You did go to Northwestern, so you must have remained focused," I say, somewhat confused by where this story is going.

"Yeah, I earned an early admission. The rest of my senior year, I let loose a little because I figured I had it made. My grades didn't slip, but I started partying more. Nothing too crazy, but I did start dating Kate that year. She hung around with the wild crowd, but seemed more studious, like me. We explored a lot of things together, including mushrooms. I'd always sworn off drinking and any kind of drug, but I convinced myself that mushrooms were less harmful since they were natural. Kate wanted to try them and mess around afterward. It became our Saturday night ritual for the next three months. I don't think it was an addiction, at least not for me, except maybe to the sex. I was an 18-year-old boy - sex was on my mind all the time.

"Anyway, for me it was just a fun senior year. I knew Kate and I would part ways at the end of the school year. We'd talk about going to separate schools and moving on with our lives. I never intentionally gave her the impression that I wanted to keep the relationship going once we headed off to college."

"What happened after you graduated?"

"In August, I gave Kate a kiss goodbye when she left to attend UC-Santa Barbara. I left for Chicago later that week. We stayed in touch through email, but as school got busy our contact became less and less. Kate called me late one night in early December, just before final exams. She sounded off - slurred her words and rambled about how she missed me, and how much she wanted us to get back together again."

Edward pauses a moment, and I can tell he's collecting his thoughts. "What did you say?" I ask gently.

"Mostly I just listened. She said something about married student housing at UC-Santa Barbara, and how she wanted to feel close to someone again. I tried talking with her rationally, then she started getting angry at me and calling me all kinds of names. I figured it was alcohol or drugs talking, so I tried to calm her down. She hung up on me and didn't answer when I tried calling back. I sent a text message, and an email, and got no response to those either. I didn't know any of her friends there, or have another way to get in touch with her. Maybe I should have contacted her parents, but it seemed so extreme at 2:00 am for what was essentially a fight between two former high school sweethearts. Eventually I decided that she probably just fell asleep, or realized what she'd said and felt a little embarrassed."

"Did you see her over Christmas break?" I ask.

Edward sighs and rolls onto his back. "She didn't make it home. Sometime that night or the next morning, she crashed her car into a ravine. The coroner's report said she was killed on impact, and that she had alcohol and cocaine in her system. She was 18, Bella, and I felt like I didn't do enough to prevent that from happening."

A lump forms in my throat at the heartache Edward must have faced. "Oh Edward, that's so tragic for Kate and her family. And it had to be terrible for you, too, to lose someone you were close to. But it wasn't your fault. Terrible things happen and sometimes it's no one's fault."

"I didn't go to the funeral. I stayed in Chicago through Christmas break because I couldn't face my classmates or Kate's family looking at me and knowing I was the cause of her death. My parents insisted I see a counselor. Despite my initial protests, I knew they were right. In time, I did come to understand that it wasn't my fault, but the guilt was very difficult to deal with. I cleaned up my act though. I had started to party quite a bit at Northwestern - joined a fraternity and attended every house party. I felt like I deserved it - like I'd worked so hard and stayed so good through high school, and now that I'd achieved my goal I was entitled to live a wilder life. Kate's death changed that behavior immediately."

"What happened after Christmas break?"

"I dropped out of the fraternity and changed my major from Communications to pre-law. I hadn't really known what I wanted to do, so originally I picked a major with required classes that seemed easy. It's not that I was just looking for the easy way out," Edward says as he turns his head to look at me. "I figured that if they were easy to me, then it meant it was a natural strength. Pretty cocky, huh?

"Anyway, once I decided I wanted to be a lawyer, I buckled down and did what I could to finish early. I increased my class load and took classes through the summer. I suppose my year-round living in Chicago was partly to blame for me losing touch with all my high school friends. In the following years, I came home only at Christmas and then just hung out with my family. Even though I no longer blamed myself for Kate's death, I was still uncomfortable getting back in touch with people who had known us as a couple."

"I think that's very understandable, Edward."


A/N - Please review.