Chapter Twenty Seven

"This is my fault."

Severus glanced over at Lily at the self-deprecating statement, as they traipsed through the trees that the people whom they had spoken to had indicated. Her forehead glistened with perspiration, after hiking through various woods and fields that locals had guided them towards, but he supposed it was a good thing considering how quickly the temperature had dropped since the sun had began to set.

He was glad that, despite being a pretty lousy father when it came to actually being present, Regulus was actually quite a worrywart of a parent and had insisted that Severus ensure the boy only ever left the house dressed in a huge, fleece lined cloak, a scarf, a hat and gloves. At least the child wouldn't freeze to death under his care.

"How could it possibly be your fault?" Severus asked, derisively; "It is the incompetence of the Phoenix staff that is to blame. At least we may take comfort in the fact that anytime they have been spotted they have been alone; therefore the children have not been removed or taken against their will."

"Not yet," Lily added, quietly, lifting her skirt a few inches to climb over a fallen branch; "Harry!" she called out, loudly, her hands on either side of her lips to increase her volume, making him jump.

She called her son's name again; though he did not entertain the idea and begin calling for his godson. A simple tracking would do well enough for him; he waved his wand over the leaves at his feet and, sure enough, the spell indicated that small footsteps had gone in that direction.

Lily released a shaking breath, before lowering herself onto a log, as Severus followed the footsteps, glancing around in the bushes and small hollows in the trees for any signs that the steps had belonged to their charges.

Severus glanced over at her, her despair, regret and desperation coming off of her in waves; he straightened and, continuing to glance in various hollows and nooks that surrounded them, he addressed her; "You should not blame yourself for this, Lily. No doubt the children are re-enacting some children's story they have heard and view this as some exciting expedition. Children often get foolish ideas into their heads. I am sure you remember how you and I were at nine years old?"

A slight smile tugged at her lips at his reminder but she kept her eyes on her clasped hands in her lap; "He's more like his father than I thought."

Severus, who had been bending to look in another tree hollow, hesitated in his movements at the mention of James Potter. He felt that familiar rise of bitterness, of hatred, that he always felt when he thought of the man; quick memory flashes of events that had taken place in his school years, when he too was a child, passed before his eyes. Younger years being taunted, teased, hexed, jeered at; older years watching his best friend, who was no longer his best friend, holding hands with the man, smiling at him, laughing with him, kissing him.

He drew in a silent, calming breath, forcing away those memories and the feelings that came with them; events that had taken place almost a decade ago now. They were no longer important. Nor were they anything for him to waste his thoughts or emotions on; even if he always would hate James Potter.

He wondered just how much like his father Lily's son was?

"If that is true then take comfort in the fact that your husband often managed to dip in and out of trouble whenever it suited him with very little consequence."

Then he paused; because, in the end, that wasn't true. He cast a careful glance at Lily, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, but she didn't address the comment.

"I'm a terrible mother."

"Is this really the time for self-pity?" Severus straightened, earning himself a glare from her. He held her look for a moment, then resumed his search for clues; "I'm sure that is not true."

"He told me he hated me last week."

"He is a child. Children often make insincere comments in an attempt to hurt."

"No, he meant it."

Severus cast her an unconvinced look, as he knelt and pulled back some branches of a bush to peer inside; "Lily, I am sure your son doesn't hate you."

"Maybe not hate," Lily conceded; "But he is resentful. And disappointed; for good reason, though."

Severus made to comment, however his hand came into contact with a soft piece of fabric. He frowned and grabbed it, pulling it from the confines of the bushes. He looked down at the cloak in his hand with a frown, before he stood and made his way towards Lily; "Does this belong to your son?"

Lily stood quickly, taking it from his hands; "This is James' invisibility cloak!" As if to demonstrate, she flung it around herself and, promptly, her body disappeared so that she was only a floating head. The sight may have been amusing if not for the fact that this cloak had often been a tool in Black and Potter's pranks when he was a child.

"Then we are on the right track," Severus stated, brusquely, making his way in the direction of the footsteps that his charm had picked up; "They cannot have gotten much further; there is nothing beyond here but fields and they would have become bored."

Lily tucked the invisibility cloak away and followed him; her previous, disparaging thoughts seeming to have been wiped away for the time being.

XXX

Harry and Malachi walked through the castle with wide eyes; everything amazing and new to them. Ghosts floated by and Hagrid, the man who was leading them, would greet them with a smile and a laugh as if the whole thing was normal, and children wandered through in black robes with various coloured ties; red and gold; green and silver; yellow and black; blue and bronze.

The red and gold ones reminded him of his dad's room at the hospital; everything there was red and gold.

Harry liked the green and silver ties better; it made him think of his mum. She liked to wear green a lot.

Harry saw a boy holding a wand, waving it; and then a little flurry of sparks burst from the tip and he suddenly couldn't wait until he could get his own wand and come to Hogwarts so he could learn how to use it.

They arrived at a wall.

"Liquorice," Hagrid said; and the wall turned revealing a spiral staircase. A large hand guided him towards it and he climbed in first; Malachi still didn't trust the man, even though he had stopped being so suspicious when they had first seen the castle at the edge of the forest.

"This is awesome," Harry whispered.

Malachi glanced at him, looking equally excited, as they ascended, but didn't say anything.

Moments later they were walking into a large office, where books lined the walls, portraits with nosey people peered down at them, and a large desk sat in the middle of the room, an old man both of them recognised from their chocolate frog cards sitting behind it.

Malachi looked even more excited now and he and Harry smiled brightly.

The old man lowered his half moon glasses, peering over at them curiously as he stood; "Hagrid, who are these young boys?"

"Beggin' your pardon, Headmaster; found these little ones in the Forbidden Forest. Wanderin' around all on their own, they were. Thought I'd best bring 'em back here."

Dumbledore was looking at Harry, as if trying to figure out who he was. After a moment he gave him a smile; "Is this Lily Potter's son?"

Harry's smile widened and he nodded, stepping forward; "Uh huh. I'm Harry," he quickly held out a hand to him. The old man chuckled and shook his hand obligingly, before turning his eyes to the other boy.

"And who is your friend?"

Harry quickly waved a hand at him to come over; "This is Malachi Redway."

Dumbledore's eyes softened, as if he knew everything about him, and he held out a hand to him. Malachi took his hand eagerly, shaking it; "Pleased to meet you."

"Ah, the pleasure is mine, my boy," Dumbledore smiled warmly at him; "I have heard a great deal about you. Your father is a good friend of mine."

Malachi's eyes widened; "You know my dad?"

"I do," Dumbledore nodded, before looking back at Harry; "And yours too, Harry."

Harry didn't care. He didn't even know his dad; "Do you know my Uncle Sirius?"

"I do."

"Do you know where he is?" Harry went on, eagerly; Dumbledore was the greatest wizard alive, he would know how to find him.

"I do not, I'm afraid," he lifted a glass bowl that was filled with sweets; "Please, help yourselves to some lemon drops."

Harry, still disappointed that the old man couldn't help with finding his uncle, stuck a hand into the bowl, coming out with a handful of the hard boiled sweets. Malachi was more reserved, taking only a couple with his thumb and index finger; "Thanks."

"Thank you," Harry followed suit, reminded of his manners.

Dumbledore watched them as they eagerly devoured the sweets in the hands before he addressed Hagrid; "You say you found them in the Forbidden Forest, Hagrid?"

"Aye. Looked pretty shaken up."

Dumbledore nodded; "I'm sure there are still animals to be tended to this evening? I shall take care of these two and alert their parents to their whereabouts."

Hagrid accepted the dismissal and said goodbye to the boys.

"Bye," Harry smiled; Malachi gave him a shy smile.

"Might an old man ask what two young boys were doing wandering the Forbidden Forest?" Dumbledore addressed them, once the other man had left.

"We're looking for my Uncle Sirius; he's Malachi's uncle as well, you know."

"Yes, I did know," Dumbledore nodded, though he looked more serious than before; "I assume your mother doesn't know where you are, Harry?"

Harry glanced at the timepiece on the wall; his heart sinking when he noticed that the little hand was now well beyond nine and his mum would have gone to the Phoenix Centre to get him by now. He looked at Dumbledore; "She was working."

"But she won't be working now, will she? She will be very concerned."

"We thought we'd be back before school finished," Malachi piped up, before he plucked a sweet from the pile in Harry's hands.

"Your dad will be very worried about you, also, Malachi."

Malachi shook his head; "My dad's away. My godfather's looking after me; Severus."

Harry thought that Dumbledore was going to laugh; he grinned instead; "And you do not think that Severus will be cross with you once he realises that you are missing?"

Malachi looked at him with nervous eyes.

"My mum's friends with Severus," Harry pointed out, remember the man he had seen her with earlier that day; "Do you know him too?"

Dumbledore nodded. Malachi was right; he knew everyone.

"And my Uncle Remus too?"

"All former students of mine," Dumbledore stated; and Harry remembered that his uncles, his mother and his father had all gone to Hogwarts when they were kids.

Malachi tugged his scarf from his neck, unfastening his cloak, and Harry suddenly realised how hot it was in the room. He shrugged out of his jacket and pulled off his hat.

"Yes, do make yourself comfortable," Dumbledore pointed his wand at the simple chairs, transforming them into two large armchairs and they quickly jumped up onto the same one, squeezed together, as Dumbledore summoned a house elf and had her deliver hot chocolate, cakes and biscuits.

XXX

It was freezing.

And it was dark and late; almost nine thirty. Well beyond her son's bedtime and yet they still had not managed to find the boys. She had checked in with Remus twice; both times he had heard nothing and both times he had insisted he return with her and accompany her with the search. But, despite that, they both agreed it was best he remained at home in case Harry should show up at his flat again, as he had done the last time he had run away.

The footsteps Severus had managed to trace had taken them to a train station and, since then, they had been apparating to each of the stops to check for any signs that either of them had been there until they had come to the last possible stop which was only a few miles from Hogsmeade and had taken their chances there.

They had been in luck; they had come across a witch that Lily had known whilst serving the Order; someone who had offered their home as a safe house, who recognised and had spoken with Harry.

It had been somewhat of a relief to learn; but that relief was short lived when the witch had informed them that the children had made off in the direction of the road leading to the Forbidden Forest.

"Have you taken leave of your senses? Who allows two young, unaccompanied children simply to wander off in the direction of one of the most dangerous locations known to man?" Severus seethed.

Lily had rescued the woman from his fury, though her feelings were much the same, insisting to Severus that they should hurry and try to catch up to them. If they had actually entered the Forest then they had to track them down as soon as possible.

She forced away all the terrible thoughts that were constantly coming to mind; images of all the terrible things, terrible creatures that her son could have come up against while here. So far she and Severus had wandered the Forbidden Forest for almost half an hour and had been lucky enough not to see anything.

Severus had insisted she hide beneath the invisibility cloak; refusing her offer to join her beneath it, saying it was not large enough and would do little for protection if it could not conceal them both completely.

Every few moments, his hand would reach behind him, where she was standing, and brush against the fabric of the cloak, to check she was still there.

"I can't believe they managed to get all the way to Hogwarts from the Foundation," she said, quietly.

Severus never responded; his wand held tightly in his hand, the tip lit, as he glanced around the area. After a few moments he spoke; "You said earlier you believe your son is disappointed in you? Perhaps you and Regulus ought to get together and compare notes."

Lily frowned; "What do you mean?"

"Only that Regulus also believes he is failing as a father," Severus stated, and Lily thought there was an unspoken agreement with the statement in his tone; "You said you believe your son is resentful? Do you believe he has willingly run away?"

Lily hesitated, almost stumbling over a branch, as she was reminded of her more recent dealings with her son. Silly things like not even knowing he was learning an instrument; finding out he thought exactly the same regarding her attitude towards James; being shocked by his maturity when they had finally spoken about all the things that were wrong; "I don't know. To be honest; I don't really know my son at all."

Severus glanced over his shoulder, right at her, but of course he couldn't see her.

"You are doing your best, I'm sure."

Lily smiled slightly, though the comment really didn't make her feel any better. Severus knew so little about everything that had been going on with her; things that were going on at home. With Harry; with Sirius. He only knew the other side of her; the one that pretended all that wasn't happening. The one who pretended everything was okay; that they were still fifteen years old, best friends at Hogwarts.

And, she realised, that's how they had been back then too. Burying their heads in the sand; ignoring the chaos going on around them; ignoring the pointed looks; the stares; the house prejudices. They never addressed them. They simply ignored the world that was falling apart around them until, finally, their tactic of ignorance blew up in their faces and suddenly that's all they could talk about. And it was all that mattered. And they couldn't overcome it. It had consumed them and then destroyed them.

With a sigh she pulled the cloak from her head, revealing herself. And when he turned around sharply at her action she felt as if she were truly revealing herself to him for the first time. He hesitated in his protest, obviously seeing the glimmer of unshed tears in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away before they could fall.

"Lily," Severus' voice was soft, reassuring; "Your son will be fine."

She glanced at him and shook her head; "You don't know that. And even if he was; there's more damage to him that just this," she waved an arm at nothing, with a shrug; "I mean...I've really messed up with him. Like...really..."

She sounded like a teenager again, a whiny teenager; and mused at the irony that here she was trying not to be like that girl she had been back then and, while changing the tactic of concealment, had now revert to the same behaviour.

Severus looked unsurely at her for a moment, before he walked over to her, placing a hand on her arm and guiding her towards a boulder; "Sit down. We shall take a few moments."

He kept his hand on her arm a little longer than strictly necessary after she had sat down and she found herself enjoying the comfort of it; and felt strangely bereft when he removed it.

Lily drew in a deep breath, attempting to gather her thoughts; thoughts that were all coming at once; "I've been neglecting him."

"I highly doubt that."

"No," she shook her head, "No. I mean, not on purpose, of course. I...I've been so concerned with other things. Things that weren't important...well, no that's not true, they are important...were important..." she raised frustrated hands to her face, rubbing it agitatedly; "God...what a fucking mess!"

"Lily, take a moment and breathe," Severus' hand was on her upper arm, rubbing it, and she felt a jolt within her at the contact. She leaned into his touch slightly. After a moment she lowered her hands from her face and raised her eyes to his.

He was looking at her warmly, his eyes full of so much concern and fondness, that she almost caught her breath. She swallowed, before she shifted over and patted the small spot next to her. Severus eyed it, as if doubting he would be able to squeeze onto such a small area, but obliged and they sat with their arms pressed tightly against one another, as they attempted to fit on the small surface.

"Severus..." she hesitated, about to broach subject that they never spoke about. Another subject they never acknowledged; "For a long time...until recently...I was very focused on finding a cure for James."

As expected, she immediately felt Severus tense. He moved slightly, as if to stand, but, after a second, he stilled though never spoke.

"And...and Harry's suffered the consequences of that. I...I haven't been there for him."

She felt Severus relax slightly, as the direction of conversation changed; "I see."

"Sirius and Remus have practically raised him; I've been off wasting money, time, giving everything I have to try and find something that I don't think can even be found –"

"I hope those are not your true sentiments, considering your current placement at the Foundation."

Lily glanced at him; noticed his eyes light with teasing amusement. She gave him a small smile.

"Now he's lost any connection he may have had, even to his father's memory. He looks at Sirius as if he were his father; as if he doesn't even need a mother. He blames James for me not being there for him."

Severus looked like he was struggling over what he wanted to say but, after a few moments of silence, he said; "It is only natural that you would do everything you can to get your husband back, Lily."

To anyone else his expression would look blank; but she remembered how he was when they were at school. She remembered how easily she could read him then; decipher every twitch of his lips, the movement of his jaw, of his eyes. And she found it was something she could still do, even now. She could read everything he was trying to conceal.

It had hurt him to say it.

Lily bit her lip, ten years of guilt suddenly falling upon her shoulders, and she reached for his hand. His hand twitched in surprise when she touched it with hers, but he didn't pull away when she took it and squeezed it.

"Severus," she whispered; "I...I'm really sorry for everything."

"You have already apologised," he attempted to pull back his hand, but she held on tight, and he didn't try any harder to remove it.

"Not for...James."

Severus looked at her fully at that; and she could see a betrayal in his eyes, the same look he had often given her across the rooms whenever their eyes had met in those final few months of Hogwarts. After she and James had become official and the other students had learned about them.

"I do not need your apologies for the behaviour of James Potter."

And he spoke her husband's name with such distain that she almost flinched. She swallowed, lowering her eyes; "I meant for...I know it couldn't have been easy for you; seeing me with him."

This time he did pull his hand from hers; "Stop, Lily. This is all in the past; and not something I wish to discuss."

"But don't you think we ought to discuss it?" she asked, as Severus stood. She also got to her feet; "I mean, how can we really be friends if we've got this hanging over us all the time? We've tried it before, remember? Pretending other things don't matter; that we aren't affected by everything going on around us?"

Severus met her eyes at the reminder of their Hogwarts years.

Lily swallowed; "I just...I don't want to lose you again."

"You won't."

He sounded so certain; so sure. And then he added; "Not if you don't want to."

Lily frowned at the condition; "What do you mean?"

Severus seemed uncertain about whether or not he wanted to elaborate, but went on; "Only that it will not be me who ends this friendship."

Lily couldn't help but notice the obvious indication that it would be her who ended their relationship; and she was left wondering if he was making a point regarding her previous severing of their friendship or if he was implying she may end it in the future; that there may be a reason why she would want to end it in the future.

"Your previous relationship is of no concern to me. I accept your apology and ask that we do not discuss it further. What's done is done. I accept that and acknowledge it."

He walked brusquely by her, deeper into the forest. She quickly grabbed the invisibility cloak, though didn't put it on, and hurried after him; "Severus, I didn't mean to upset you."

"I am not upset."

She reached out, grabbing his arm so she could pull him around, and he turned to face her.

She swallowed, looking up at him, apologetically; "Yes you are."

His expression was passive; emotionless; but she could still tell.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, going on; "I just...I wanted to be honest with you."

Severus stared at her a moment; his lips parted, as if to speak, then pressed tightly together; he looked away and she thought she could see guilt, regret in his eyes. But it was gone when he looked back at her.

"Lily, I know there are things I do not know about you. Things regarding your son; regarding your husband. I do not expect you to tell me the details of this. Or of what you have been doing for the past ten years."

Lily frowned, confused at the reasoning behind his statement.

After a moment he changed the subject; "Perhaps you should check if Lupin has heard anything more regarding your son."

She kept her eyes on his a few moments longer, searching for something; because suddenly she realised he was hiding something from her. Something he didn't want her to know. But she knew better than to expect an answer to her questions; and that she definitely wouldn't get any considering the way Severus had closed up over the past few minutes.

So she nodded and handed the cloak to him; "Put this on, then. I won't be needing it." Severus took it but didn't put it on, only watched as she stepped back and dissaparated.

XXX

"Could you help me look for him?"

Harry was looking at Dumbledore hopefully, having relayed all of the events of the day, as well as why his Uncle Sirius had left them. He wasn't surprised that Dumbledore knew who Peter Pettigrew was either, and that he also knew all about why he was in prison and that he'd now escaped.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts seemed to know everyone and everything!

When he found out they had been out since lunch time and hadn't eaten, he had had the house elf from before bring up roast dinners for them; but they could hardly eat it all after satisfying their appetites with the cakes and biscuits provided to them before that.

"I am sure your Uncle Sirius is fine, Harry. And he will return to you once his task is complete. However, if it brings you comfort, I promise that if I am to come across him I will tell him to get in contact with you."

Harry smiled, pleased, certain that he would see his uncle soon. Dumbledore knew so much that his Uncle Sirius would probably go to him for help sometime to try and find Peter.

"It appears today's events have all been too much for your friend," Dumbledore chuckled.

Harry looked in the direction Dumbledore indicated; Malachi was sleeping, curled up in the chair next to him. Harry yawned, the sight of his friend asleep reminding him how late it was. He looked at the timepiece; "Maybe you could tell my mum that I'm here?"

"I have already sent a message your mother's way," Dumbledore stated, smilingly; "And also to your Uncle Remus."

Harry smiled and nodded, yawning again.

Dumbledore stood; "Come. As Malachi is currently under Professor Snape's care, I am sure he would not mind the two of you waiting in his chambers for him."

Harry quickly shook Malachi's arm to wake him and slid down from the chair, hurrying after the old man.

XXX

Severus scowled as he sat waiting for Lily on a fallen log; Potter's invisibility cloak held tightly in his hands. Hell would freeze over before he would resort to using James Potter's belongings as if they were his own.

The conversation he had just had with Lily had left a sour taste in his mouth; the bitterness of regret and guilt washing over him so hard and fast that he had had to send her away because he couldn't possibly look into those eyes and keep those emotions under control. He needed time to gather his thoughts; his composure.

Here she was declaring honesty and friendship, while he continued to conceal something so big, so abhorrent that it would surely be the end of their friendship if she were to ever find out. He wished he had just confessed from the beginning; better yet, he wished he had gone to trial and she had simply read all about his past mistakes in the Prophet when the war ended almost six years ago.

Instead he had kept the secret; allowing them to become closer, allowing it to get to the point that it would almost be a betrayal to reveal the truth to her now.

He closed his eyes, forcing away the thought; no it wouldn't. They hadn't been friends. And he had owed her nothing back then.

But he owed her now, his mind reminded him. He was her friend now; a good enough friend that she had decided to confide in him about her problems regarding her son.

Though that was another issue that left him feeling bitter.

Although he had expected as much, considering her Fellowship application, to hear her state outright that she continued to long for her husband's return, though obvious, only served to revive the jealous, angry little boy inside him that he had been when he was fourteen, fifteen, and had realised that his enemy fancied his best friend and hoped to take her away from him.

But this was different, he reminded himself. She wasn't his. And Potter wasn't taking her away. He had her. He had taken her heart long ago.

Severus swallowed; but he was her friend now. He had another chance at that. And it wasn't a chance he was willing to destroy; not this time.

So he had to tell her the truth. He had to be honest with her, like she was being with him.

He had to tell her what he had been; that he had been a Death Eater. And he had to tell her about the prophecy. In the end, Neville had been chosen; but she deserved to know why she had been put in hiding for over a year.

It may be the end of their friendship. But they were getting close; so close; and he knew it would destroy him if they got any closer and it ended then, if she found out from someone else.

Something that could no longer be avoided; the darkening mark on his arm a frequent reminder of that.

At that moment she apparated before him, her eyes wide;

"Severus! They're at the Castle!"