Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Eight
Once again, thanks for the kind comments. There's a split on what Shinri thinks and knows, which is probably to the good, and on just how much I know about my own story, which isn't a question I can answer catagorically either. To misapply a few words, I have a strategy in mind, but tactics are left to the muses. This chapter is all about tactics...
Sincerity. In the first instance, that isn't something I should be thinking about.
I walked back, wondering vaguely what it was that Natsuki wanted to say, when I was not around. Somehow, I didn't think it was to ask for lessons.
Well, Otousama probably wouldn't be too uncivilised. Hopefully Okasama and I could ensure that. Either way, there's something to be said for being neutral. I wouldn't particularly relish being caught between two strong and stubborn people like those two. Not to mention, two important people. From the beginning, I definitely wanted to please Otousama. And I wanted to please Natsuki, as well. In both cases nothing went quite as it should have done and I'm just left with the feeling that I've let them down, in the abstract with Otousama and in specific clarity with Natsuki. So I'm not sure that I want them to fight, or even know each other that well, after all. If it's the two of them together, how long would it be before Natsuki became sick of it? And how long would it be before Otousama found certain unpleasant things out? I know without asking that he wouldn't have any patience with my deviancies, forget my more specific crimes. He is that kind of person.
But it's fine provided he doesn't find out, and he really shouldn't, after all. I've grown an awful lot, and even though I'm hardly on the top of my game right now I don't think I've fallen that far. I'm just ascribing to him the omniscience with which any small child regards a parent, from the days when he truly could read me like a book if he had a reason to. Well, small children have small thoughts, and those thoughts are generally more… likely, than falling for their best friends and other complex, improbable and dubious thoughts. Is that innocence? But the point is that I'm worrying far too much. Because he wasn't around me as I grew up slowly, I suppose you could say I haven't become accustomed to keeping secrets from him. Simply continuing as I already am is fine.
Unless Natsuki says something. But she wouldn't. There's just no way. She wouldn't gain anything by it, and she doesn't like him either. She wouldn't tell anyone else, either, I'm sure of it.
Though if it's my family, perhaps they could probe her and play with her until she's trapped or accidentally blurts something incriminating. Especially if she gets mad. She's always been straight-forwards when she's angry, and I could well believe Otousama creating and exploiting that situation idly. But it's not like he'd know what to ask or anything.
On the other hand, am I underestimating him? It's a strange situation, for Natsuki to go this far for me unannounced. Would that be ordinary for a friend? Well, if it's just a hint, I can simply deny everything without acknowledging it. But Natsuki might be a little more open. Perhaps I should say something to her, or would that just accept her? It's not like she's stupid or unaware of the situation, so-
I stopped briefing, putting a hand against the wall and taking a deep breath. Too many circular, neurotic worries. Staying calm would be a lot better, after all.
I was also getting dizzy, though whether that was from overthinking things or from my illness, I wasn't sure. Either way, I hurried back to my room.
When I arrived, I found Hideko tidying up my clothes. She looked up when I entered and nodded. "Welcome back, Ojou-sama."
"Thank you," I replied, smiling weakly. I slid my geta off and sat on my futon again, sliding my legs under the covers. "I'm sorry for troubling you. Maintaining a room when I'm always resting here right in the middle must be a little difficult for you."
"Not at all. I'm only sorry that I am intruding," Hideko replied politely. "Please rest freely."
"Thank you." I rubbed my forehead, feeling tired. Talking to father is always draining at the best of times, and I'm willing to state that despite all logic simply watching his kenjutsu tires me out. In a good way, I mean. It's beautiful, but there's something about watching people exhaust themselves physically. It recalls the number of times that I have done that to myself, which are numerous in various circumstances. "I may do just that…"
Hideko slid the wardrobe door shut, apparently satisfied, and turned to face me. "Is Kuga-san well?"
"As well as she always is. Natsuki will probably be perfectly fine all holiday out of sheer stubbornness." I took a breath, resting my head against the pillow. "She's talking to Otousama right now. I think, or I guess. Otherwise she simply wanted to see the dojo."
Hideko leaned down, picking up my geta and placing them neatly next to the door. "I see. She's a very lively girl, isn't she?"
I smiled thinly. "I doubt that she'd like to hear that description. But she certainly has a forceful personality, if that's what you mean."
Hideko nodded. "One could call it that."
"Hopefully we can get through this holiday with Otousama and Natsuki both alive and well. I can't imagine that she intends to compliment him, if she really is talking to him." I sighed slightly and gave Hideko a wan smile. "Though I suspect that I'm fretting rather too much, after all."
Hideko nodded again. "I'm sure it will be fine. But if you are worried, Ojou-sama, you should simply tell them that. They would certainly listen."
"Is that so?" I mused aloud. "That seems rather a forceful and an elegant way to do things."
"I shouldn't think so, if you state your concerns clearly. They both care for you, and it would be more constructive than fretting alone." Hideko frowned. "Though I'm speaking out of tone. Forgive me, Ojou-sama."
I looked up at her, smiling. "Not at all. Your advice is rather welcome, actually. I guess I'm not in the clearest state of mind right now."
"Thank you for your kind thanks," Hideko said formally. "But is there anything I can get for you? A drink or a snack, perhaps?"
I glanced up at her, considering for a moment. I suppose I'm only alone and surrounded by people I need to worry about, if I allow myself to think that way. Okasama's never allowed that to be true. "Not right now. But if you can spare the time, please sit down."
Hideko nodded, sitting on a cushion by the wall and placing her hands neatly in her lap. A picture of the demure.
"You can sit closer, you know," I said lightly. "If you're like this, it makes me feel like you're keeping away from me."
"Not at all, Ojou-sama. But that is Natsuki… Kuga-san's place."
"Is that so?" I asked, turning my neck slightly. "Well, she's certainly there too often, if you put it that way. And when I consider my sickness, keeping a distance is a very good idea."
"That wasn't my intention-"
"It's fine," I said firmly. "If you'd done anything else, I might have to tell you to sit back anyway. I'm just disappointed that Natsuki's never so kind as to listen herself."
"Kuga-san has a headstrong personality, after all, if you don't mind me saying so." Hideko blinked slowly, looking at the floor. "She is not unlike you in that respect, Ojou-sama."
I chuckled. "That's true. I suppose she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that characteristic, after all." I started coughing again, but it was lighter than yesterday, and stopped more quickly. I took a few breaths, steadying myself. "In any case, I hope you're becoming accustomed to being here again, at home."
Hideko nodded. "And for your part as well, Ojou-sama. If you'll forgive me for saying so, but you appear to be better than you were before."
"A little, though I have some way to go. My immune system's always been good."
"That's certainly true, but I was referring to your mood." Hideko kept her gave focused on some indeterminate point between us. "It's just my feeling, but you're in better spirits now. That's heartening."
"Well, I suppose that's also true," I admitted. "But it's a churlish person who can stay depressed forever, when so much attention is being lavished on them. It's good to be home, though I miss people from the school as well."
"I'm glad."
I sighed. "I've been worrying you all rather a lot, haven't I? I'm sorry for that."
"Not at all." Hideko looked up, smiling modestly. "For us, you smiling again is a far better apology."
"That's a rather feudal phrase, but I'm grateful." I took another breath, brushing the hair out of my eyes. "I'll be doing my best from now on. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm promising anything… but when a lot of people say the same thing and carry the same sense in their actions, I can feel the cares of being asked to live a carefree life."
Hideko coughed in amusement, delicately covering her mouth with the sleeve of her kimono. "Then I will take it that we're also something you worry about. That's heartening and disheartening at the same time."
"Isn't it?" I agreed. "Natsuki does that too, and so many others. I'm getting used to it."
But really, concern isn't so familiar to me as it should be. I didn't receive it often before, because Kaichou-sama needed no help and no comforting in anything she did. I wonder how different my life would have been, if I hadn't taken on that role. Well, there would have been less Natsuki in it. Probably not a great trade, all the same.
And I'm experiencing these things now.
The door slid open, and Natsuki stepped through. She had a conflicted expression on her face, and vaguely nodded at me without a word.
"Good timing, Kuga-san," Hideko said, looking up. "Do you want tea or any other drink?"
"No thanks," Natsuki remarked, sitting abruptly on hercushion. "But I'll have a tuna and mayo sandwich, if that's not too much trouble. I'm hungry."
"Honestly, dinner isn't too far away…" I said lightly.
"And will you have anything?" Hideko asked, standing.
"Just tea, please."
"Then please wait a few minutes. I will return shortly."
I watched her leave swiftly, wondering whether I should say something. But this is probably her consideration, after all. And her way of supporting me.
"You doing okay?" Natsuki asked, hugging her knees and glancing at me distractedly.
Watching her emerald eyes peek over the battlements of her legs was a distractingly cute sight. Not to mention, she was still in those jeans, and close, so I hurriedly looked away. "I'm as well as one could expect. I hope you haven't caught anything off me."
"I'm fine," Natsuki replied, a little unconvincingly. She looked away, her expression still thoughtful. The only thing missing in the picture was her sigh.
And I wanted, I truly wanted, to ask what had transpired, and what she was feeling. But somehow, I didn't dare. That would be too intrusive, perhaps, and I wouldn't enjoy being brushed off by her. Well, she did that all the time before. But I'm, perhaps, more sensitive now. Or do I have higher expectations? I'm not sure.
Either way, there's no way that I could blame her for my fears. For her, that's just being sensible.
Is it the same way with her? Does she have the same worries and fears, when she's worrying about whatever it is I am worrying about at any given moment? I suppose she must do that, in which case I can understand why she resents my habit of silence so much. But I'm trying, now, to be more honest with her. Does she think that way as well? I guess I don't have the right to ask, but perhaps it's okay to wonder. How much trust do we have? How much can we say without regrets?
But before such abstract things, there's what I need to do right now, which is to make her smile again. So I sat up, gathering the covers about my legs, and smiled at her as if I had no cares at all. "Do you fancy a game of cards?"
She looked up and smiled at me. For me, perhaps, as I smile for her. A smile of such caring feelings seems truer than a genuine smile.
"Alright, I'll raise you two minutes," I said, frowning at my cards.
"Hmm." Shizuru's left hand played with her hair. "I'll match you."
I looked at her thoughtfully, trying to work out that blank face of hers. Three tens was strong enough, but after a while you start to credit this girl with anything and everything you can imagine. "Two more. Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm as well as can be expected," Shizuru replied. "And you?"
"I'm fine. I'm not the sick one here, after all." I frowned. "What are you betting?"
"I'm just worried that you might be getting bored. This really isn't a household well-suited to people of our age, as I've said before, and I'm not really in a state to entertain you myself." Shizuru tapped the back of her cards thoughtfully. "It can't be helped, I guess. I'll bet five minutes and be done with it."
I looked at her for a long moment, then sighed. "Fine. I fold."
"Oh? Is that so? If you're sure." Shizuru smiled. "That's sixteen minutes extra work you owe me in total now."
"This is so unfair," I retorted, throwing my cards down. "A normal person shouldn't have to face your demonic luck."
"Do you think?" Shizuru asked, scratching her cheek. "I thought I was being a little unlucky right now. I only have two eights. Presumably you're more unlucky, though."
I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "Oh, well. That'll do for now."
"You still have fourteen minutes still to bet," Shizuru said innocently.
"Stuff it. I know when to quit." I fell backwards theatrically, looking at the ceiling. "Even if I have to do some work, I still want to have something approaching a holiday as well, you know."
"I thought that was why you were playing me?"
"Well, that was the theory. It was reckless, after all." I pouted up at her. "No normal person can beat your poker face."
"I see… well, never mind, then."
And now she's looking melancholy again. Honestly, she still plays free and fast with her own emotions. "In any case, I'm not bored," I assured her quietly. "Spending time with you without having to worry about being a Hime or my mother's daughter or a special person… I guess that's more relaxing than I thought it would be. Though I never admitted it, but those times were very stressful."
"They certainly aren't what one would expect of the average High School student, after all," Shizuru conceded gently. "But I'm sure that would come as a relief to you, wherever you chose to go."
I snorted. "Are you fishing for a compliment or something?"
"No," Shizuru replied lightly. "If I was doing that, I'd be more blunt about it. It's just an observation, which is a little true of me as well. I don't have that power any more."
"Besides, living with a family isn't bad," I said neutrally. "Even if it's a weird family like yours, it could be worse. You all deserve each other, in the sense that you all have the same difficult personalities."
Shizuru chuckled. "You may be right. But Natsuki fits this place very well, too. I was pleasantly surprised to find that out, after being worried."
"It's not really like I'm particularly similar to any of you," I retorted idly. "It just so happens that I've known a Fujino for several years. After a while, even I can get used to the way you people do things."
"Familiarity breeding contempt, is it?" Shizuru asked lightly.
"Nah. More like familiarity breeding familiarity." I closed my eyes. "Well, you all have troublesome personalities and strange senses of humour. But that suits you too. It's not a bad thing."
"I'm glad you think so. And we're getting used to you as well." Shizuru smiled at me. "I think Okasama likes you, which is nice. When she's on your side, a lot of things become easier. That was something I learned even when I was little."
"I guess so." I stretched idly. "It must be due to my magnetic personality. It's only natural."
Shizuru giggled. "I wonder about that."
"It's just too bad about your old man." I sighed, looking up at the ceiling again. "I just have bad luck with guys, or something."
"Otousama isn't an easy person to get along with. He has a difficult personality, because he is honest. In general, he's willing to imply anything he likes should he think about it."
"Yep, he's a rude bastard. I've noticed that."
Shizuru laughed briefly, covering her mouth with her hand.
"What's so funny?" I demanded sulkily.
"Oh, nothing really," Shizuru replied innocently. "I was just going to say that the problem is, that you're the same as him. In that respect."
"I'm nothing like that stuck-up bastard!" I snapped, sitting up and glaring at her. "I resent that allegation."
"It isn't really a bad thing, you know," Shizuru said calmly. "Like I said, he's honest, and he doesn't go to great lengths to hide what he dislikes. Well, that's true of him inside his own home, at least. And you don't have much patience with all the things you disapprove of, either."
"My attitude isn't anywhere near as difficult as his, though," I said firmly. "Honestly, he was the one who started in the first place. Going on about me imposing on him and all that kind of smart implications…"
"Perhaps." Shizuru smiled at me, her face gentle. "It's just a little saddening, that's all. You get on well with everyone else, after all."
"Sorry, sorry. But with him it's probably impossible." I stretched, lying back again. "It's not like he wants to be friends with me, either."
"Well, if it's Otousama, I don't think he'd ever to admit to wanting to be friends with you," Shizuru said. "But that's subtly different from what you said. And he does care about me, in his own way, so…"
I sighed. "Well, if he's just being stubborn, he's being really, really stubborn."
"I know." Shizuru looked at me, her face unreadable. "I can understand that you don't have to like him, but I'd appreciate it if you were a little more gentle."
"I'll give what I receive," I remarked. "But if that's what you want, I'll try not to be too bad. I suppose it's a pain for you and Viola."
Shizuru smiled. "Well, we're used to everything. I just think it would be good for the two of you, too."
I turned my head, watching the light slant into the room through the window. Those expressions of his, and those eyes, were certainly strong. They reminded me of Shizuru, those very few times when she spoke seriously and in earnest. "You know, he told me himself, that I should worry about you and not him."
"So you did have that kind of conversation." Shizuru chuckled. "But you know, it's a little ironic. I worry about you and him. Just as you say that I should worry about myself more, but I'm always, always worried about you…"
"What did I ever do to deserve that?" I asked dryly.
"You're just a stubborn girl who acts in her own way," Shizuru said. "But I find it a little strange. If I was a friend to you, I'm sure I'd tell you not to associate with me, after all."
"Then I'd ignore you. Or whatever shape of words makes sense while saying 'that's discounted'." I closed my eyes. "I'm always going to do what I want to do. Perhaps that's hypocritical of me."
"Just a little."
"Well, strengthening my ties to the people around me sounds a lot more sensible than breaking them. I don't have any to spare, and aren't you the same as me?"
Shizuru sighed and shrugged slightly. "You have a point, of course. But even in a world where people only selfishly worried about themselves, they'd still help others. Anything else is just saddening, and we're still tied responsibly to each other's feelings."
"Rather than a hypothesis, isn't that just how the world is right now?" I asked. "Human relationships are like that."
"How cynical. But perhaps accurate."
"Naturally. So don't have any illusions about what's best for anyone. That's a lot easier for everyone." I sighed. "I say that a lot, but you never change…"
"Well, I am a stubborn girl too."
"Damn right."
She fell silent, and when I opened my eyes and glanced at her face, she was looking at me with another strange expression. A little thoughtful, and a little sad. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I've seen more odd and troubling expressions on her face. She's always so sad, now. "What are you staring at?"
"No, nothing," Shizuru replied quietly.
I raised my neck slightly, rolling my eyes at her. "Nothing doesn't sound that quiet."
"Well, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a personal question…"
"If it's about my bra size, I thought you learned it from thatincident," I said flippantly.
"Your father," Shizuru began. Then she stopped abruptly. "Never mind, I'm sorry. It's not my place to ask-"
So she's in a serious mood, after all. But the sad and serious one, not the strong one. How is it that someone who takes everything lightly at face value actually makes too big a deal out of everything in her head? "We made a promise, didn't we?" I replied easily. "I'd learn about you, and you'd learn about me, and what I thought of you. I'm still holding you to that."
"Even so, if it's personal to you-"
"Shut up and accept my generosity," I ordered. "I'm in a mellow mood right now, so you're lucky, after all."
Shizuru made an amused sound. "As ever, I will wait with great expectations for the terror of you in a bad mood."
"You do that. Well, you've seen it anyway, but still." I sighed. "As for my father… there isn't much of anything to say. A year was too long for him to wait, and I was left for dead. That's all there was to it."
"That's horrible. Though I shouldn't judge anyone…"
"Judge anyone you like. He's a dick," I said bluntly. "Well, it's not like I haven't got over that. Growing up alone, and learning to fight for myself, everything leads back to him. Being happy and strong is my way of spiting him for that betrayal. Of course, he may not even be alive now. I don't know."
"Natsuki is very strong," Shizuru said quietly.
"Do you think so?" I asked, keeping my tone even. "You know, I'm not too sure. Sometimes I think that way of thinking is weak, after all. Trying to find him and know him and understand him, even if it's only a little… even if only to make the attempt… that might be a better thing for me to do."
"I wonder…"
"What do you think?" I asked.
"I don't think it's something where I can have an opinion," Shizuru said delicately.
"What a boring answer." I shrugged, turning my head away. "In any case, I'm not that kind of person. By the time I was old enough and strong enough to have a chance, whatever I might have felt for him was already far behind me. Chasing dead emotions isn't my style."
Shizuru nodded. "Sometimes it may be better to give up, after all."
"But after enough years of my damned isolation, I've learned to fight for what little I have. Those emotions that live on in my heart… I'll chase after them without sparing anything." I coughed. "Though it sounds a little lame, if I put it that way. But you get my meaning."
Shizuru snorted softly, trying to control her amusement.
"Don't laugh!" I ordered hotly.
"Sorry. But that, too, was very wolf-like as a concept. Very Natsuki, after all."
"That's who I am, so get used to it," I said sulkily.
"I suppose so." Shizuru was silent for a moment. "Natsuki-"
"What else?" I asked dryly.
"Just one more thing. Because we did make that promise." Shizuru leaned forwards slightly, holding her hands on her knees. "Aren't you afraid of me?"
I glanced at her briefly. "Afraid of you? What would be the point in something like that?"
"Well… it seems a little sensible, under the circumstances," Shizuru muttered, sounding bemused. "Not that I'm proud of anything, but I am realistic."
"Well, yeah, I was scared at first," I replied honestly. "It's not like that's not true. But it's hard to be scared of someone who looks like she's more of a danger to herself than anyone else."
"That was rather cutting," Shizuru noted quietly.
"You wanted honestly, didn't you?" I replied. "That's how it is. Besides, I'm a simple person. Rather than thinking about it rationally, I just trust my instincts that trust you. I don't need to be afraid."
"Is that so…"
"Get used to it," I advised, sitting upright and looking at her. "That's why I can feel like this, now." I smirked. "And why I find it a little amusing, as well. You're a bit neurotic right now, aren't you? Have you been thinking of stupid things again?"
Shizuru frowned. "I was thinking a little, yes…"
"Well, stop it."
"That's a little unreasonable, you know."
"No, I'm serious. Stop thinking," I ordered, straight-faced.
Shizuru laughed. "Would that make your life easier?"
"Definitely. I'm always assuring you like this, you know." I smiled slightly. "Well, I can understand why you're feeling insecure. But I hope you can believe in me a little, because I'm here for you."
Shizuru flushed, turning her head away in embarrassment. "You're too kind."
To my intense surprise and discomfort, I felt my cheeks warming as well. I guess that was a bit out of character, after all. So I fell back again, feigning a yawn. "Yeah, I am. Don't get used to it, as I have a short attention span. We were supposed to be doing History all this time, right?"
"That's right," Shizuru said. "It looks like I've let you get away with that a little. But somehow I think you'll forgive me..."
"Of course. If you want to keep forgetting, I can keep on forgiving. I'm not in a rush to do this."
"Hmm. You really need to develop your work ethic, after all."
"It's not so bad," I retorted. "I mean, it's not like I've been expelled for it."
"Yes, but I think you should have higher aspirations…"
I watched her sidelong from the corner of my eye, smiling slightly and saying the words that came easily enough. That was closer and easier than how it had been before.
In such ways, I guess, we both reclaim normalcy. I'm not sure whether that's weakness or strength under the circumstance, but it feels fine after all. We can't discuss important things all the time. And, really, the gratitude and affection I feel for Shizuru are strongest when she's doing nothing in particular. It's a strange talent she has, or perhaps a power over me. Does she feel the same way about me? I don't know, though I now know clearly the name and nature of the emotions that tie her to me. Shizuru loves me, and I can't doubt that. Now she can even say it clearly, with those serious melancholy eyes.
But this girl, who's always so sad and so earnest, sometimes smiling, sometimes frowning, sometimes turning her head away, and constrained by the chains she wraps around herself. She has a weakness and a strength, in her nature now which is so delicate and fragile, but also fierce at strange moments. Even so, the face she tries to wear for the world to see is the same as ever before, that of a strong and unflinching person. That's no less impressive, to my eyes, for the wounds and weakness I can see clearly now. I know myself how painful it can be to draw yourself upwards, above and away from the people around you, in order to protect your innermost self. A fragile self-perception, that I had then and she has now, requires that action. All the same, there's an intense loneliness, so she reaches out tentatively as well. She's afraid of me, and what I might think of her, more than I am afraid of her. Just occasionally, she'll show that side of herself. It's endearing, and almost childish. And the bounds between us are rendered complex by her thoughts, as well. She wants to be as close to me as any person can be, and she wants me to be distant from her as well. With such conflicting impulses, sometimes she reaches out, and sometimes she pushes me away. That's not unfamiliar to me, because I can recognise that in myself.
It's comfortable, to think about her, and perhaps I can see her more clearly than I can most people I know. Her breath and her eyes and her smile are also telling, moment to moment, of herself. I'm content just to watch them, for my part of our promise.
And for my part, my feelings for her, which forgave her, and felt her pain, and chased her here, and try to banish her doubts and her sadness… I don't have a name for that. My way of thinking is weak, after all, and I'm still clinging childishly to the shadows and ambiguity that remain between us. To say as clearly that I'm just a friend to her would hurt her- that's the excuse I've been using. Perhaps it would be truer to say that doing that would limit our relationship to exactly that, no more and no less, when I enjoy playing coyly with the gap between such normal feelings and her own. But I can't do that forever, either. Those ambiguous emotions, perhaps, are why I cling so much to everything I can call normal about us.
Some day soon, I will have to fairly answer her feelings with my own. Until that time, I should be searching and thinking and watching to learn more about her, and myself. But that's not completely boring, even if we're waiting.
