Chapter Twenty Eight.

Lauren sat nervously on the sofa, chewing the side of her thumbnail pensively. She was ready and waiting for Kat to come over and she was so incredibly anxious about their arrival. She looked at the time… not for the first, second or even third time since she'd come downstairs. She was at home on her own and she suddenly wished she'd taken Joey up on his offer to be there with her. Was it too late for her to change her mind and call him?

The doorbell rang and Lauren sighed, knowing she was indeed too late. She got to her feet slowly and made her way, equally as slowly, to answer the door. She took a deep breath before opening it, preparing herself for the next few hours. She peered round the door, looking at Kat but then turning her attention to over her shoulder, seeing if anyone had noticed Kat at her door and was staring.

"Hi Lauren…" Kat said hesitantly.

"Hi." Lauren whispered, turning back to Kat.

"Can I come in, darling?" Kat asked, seeing the outright fear on the girl's face. Lauren stepped back, opening the door as she hid behind it. Kat pushed the buggy through the door and she heard Lauren inhale sharply as she caught a glimpse of the twins. As soon as they were safe in the hallway Lauren pushed the front door shut again, leaning back against it heavily. Kat took her coat off, giving the young girl some time to compose herself. She couldn't even begin to imagine how Lauren was feeling right now. And she felt an enormous knot of guilt tighten in her stomach. She'd felt this way ever since they'd heard about the fire and found out that Lauren and the twins had been in it. It had been great to find out Bert and Ernie were okay and hadn't been hurt but to then learn about Lauren's horrific injuries… it was heart breaking and her guilt had been growing ever since… even more so when she discovered how Mo was responsible for it happening. She turned and hung her coat on a hook on the wall, looking at Lauren and seeing the haunted expression on her face as she stared at the pushchair. "Shall we go through to the lounge?" Kat asked.

"Sure…" Lauren whispered.

Kat smiled and pushed the twins into the lounge, hearing Lauren walking behind her. She sat on the sofa and then started to undo the cover of the buggy, pulling down the blanket that was covering both of the boys, only one of whom was now sleeping. "Hello Bert… did you have a nice nap?" she asked as she picked up the eldest of the twins. She held him in her arms and turned him so he could see Lauren… and she could see him. "Look who we've come to see…" she said softly. Lauren was staring at him, her eyes intently running over him. "They were both fine, Lauren…" Kat reassured her.

"Everyone said…" Lauren whispered, "There was a part of me that didn't believe them." She admitted. "I thought maybe they were just telling me that so I wouldn't get more upset."

"They wouldn't lie to you about that, darling…" Kat said.

"It wouldn't be the first time I've been lied to."

"Would you like to hold Bert while I get Ernie out?" Kat asked.

"I don't know…" Lauren murmured, biting her lip, clearly torn between wanting to and being too afraid to hold him.

"He won't bite…" Kat said, smiling at her, hoping to convince her.

"Okay…" Lauren breathed. Kat held Bert out towards her, placing him on her lap. She watched as Lauren put her arms around him, both of them ignoring how her hands were shaking. Lauren bit her lip hard, closing her eyes as a flash of a memory hit her hard. Her arms tightened around the baby in her arms and he protested, much like he had that night.

Kat looked at Lauren again once she'd picked up Ernie, seeing the haunted expression on her face again, "Lauren?" she asked softly. Kat noticed that she was breathing much faster now and she realised what was happening. Bert was crying and it just seemed to make Lauren even worse, her grip on him tightening perceptively. Kat placed Ernie back in the buggy and shifted closer to the young girl, putting her arm around her shoulders, frowning when she flinched from her touch. "Darling…" she said gently to her. "Let me take Bert off you…" she said softly. She tried to pry him from her hands but Lauren wasn't letting go so she gave up, instead trying to get Lauren to relax. "It's okay, darling…" she said softly, brushing some hair back from Lauren's face, her fingers wiping away some tears. After several minutes of talking to her quietly Lauren loosened her hold on Bert and Kat lifted him off her lap, putting him in the buggy.

Lauren looked at her as she turned back to face her, "I'm sorry…" she whispered.

"What are you apologising for, Lauren?" Kat asked, "I should be thanking you… You most certainly have nothing to be sorry about…" she told her.

"I hurt Bert…" she breathed shakily.

"You kept him and Ernie alive… safe…" Kat stated, "Do you know how grateful I am to you?" she said. "When I think about what could've happened…"

"To Bert and Ernie?" Lauren breathed.

"Yes, that… but you as well… I'm so sorry about what happened, Lauren…" Kat said, tears flooding her own eyes. "To know that the explosion happened because of some dodgy hairspray Mo was storing… that because of her latest hare brained scheme, she could've caused you and the boys to die… Of course, Alfie and I were worried about the boys, but our worry didn't disappear once we were told they were okay… we were just as worried about you… more so when your mum and dad told us how bad your injuries were…"

"I didn't mean to worry you…" Lauren whispered guiltily.

"Oh darling… I know that." Kat said. She hugged Lauren gently, wary of hurting her further. "How are you now?" she asked after several minutes of silence.

"Okay, I guess…" she murmured.

"You don't sound so sure…" Kat said. Lauren shrugged. "Talk to me, Lauren…" she prodded.

"Don't I look different?" Lauren whispered.

"A little… you've lost weight… your hair looks a little different… but not in any other way." Kat said, frowning when she saw the disbelief on Lauren's face.

"You don't see the scars?" Lauren asked, staring at her hands as they lay clenched on her lap.

"No, darling… I can't see any…" Kat reassured her.

"I do." Lauren admitted, "When I look in a mirror, which I try not to do, it's all I see… I feel ugly…" She shut her eyes, screwing them shut as she fought back the tears. "I know they aren't there… not really but I see them… and it feels like they're still there." She buried her face in her hands, starting to cry intensely, "It's why I don't want to go outside… I know people will stare at me… will see how ugly I am…"

"Oh Lauren…" Kat whispered. She hugged Lauren, not sure how she could convince her that she was far from ugly. Lauren eventually stopped crying and the room fell silent, apart from the soft babble from the twins. "How are your back and legs?" she asked softly. "Your parents told us you were burnt pretty badly there…"

"I had skin grafts." Lauren whispered. "For the worst of the burns… the doctor says they're healing well…"

"And what do you think?" Kat asked.

"I don't know… I looked at my back for the first time the other day… It was really upsetting to see them... although Joey says they look so much better now than they did… I can't bring myself to look at my legs… I know they were the worst out of all of them… I don't want to see how bad they are… I don't want seeing them to make me feel even worse than I do now…"

*JL*JL*

Sometime later, after Lauren had managed to calm down a little more, Kat picked up Bert again and passed him to Lauren, seeing that she wasn't as stressed this time. Lauren stared down at his little face and she lifted her hand, brushing her fingertip down his chubby little cheek. "I was so scared they were going to get hurt…" she whispered as Kat picked up Ernie. "I didn't want them to get hurt and I was worried about how we would get out… I considered jumping out of the window but I knew I couldn't do it without risking them getting hurt…" she admitted.

"You would've got hurt too, Lauren…" Kat said.

"I know." Lauren said softly, "I didn't care about me though… I just wanted to keep them safe… What happened to me didn't come into it…" she said, lowering her head and kissing Bert softly on the forehead.

"Alfie and I are so grateful for what you did, Lauren… Keeping our little boys safe… Nothing we could do can ever repay you for that…" she told her.

"Seeing them both healthy and unharmed is more than enough, Kat." Lauren said, looking at Ernie and reaching over, tapping the tip of his tiny nose with a finger, bringing forth a giggle from the tot.

"Then you should come over and see them whenever you want…" Kat said, watching Lauren's face.

"I can't do that, Kat… you know that…"

Kat took a deep breath, "I don't know exactly what it's like, Lauren… but I've felt the same way you do." She told her.

"You have?"

"Of course… do you think it was easy for me after it was revealed about my affair with Derek… the whole square knew… and I had to see how much I'd hurt Alfie every day. I felt so ashamed of what I'd done and then Derek died and it seemed like karma somehow… like whoever it is up there doesn't want me to have any happiness." She added. "It was really bad then… I had to go through it all on my own… and I had Alice and Joey to think about… to look out for." She sighed, "I did such an amazing job of that, didn't I?" she said. "Look what happened to Alice… I'm sure Derek is turning in his grave…"

"Probably… Definitely now that Joe and I are back together…" Lauren said, smirking slightly.

"I'm glad you're back together, Lauren… I always thought you made Joey into a lovely boy… You'd better not let him know I said that…" she added quickly.

"I guess he probably wouldn't appreciate it." Lauren giggled.

"I mean it though, sweetheart… I always thought the two of you were really good together… yes, you had your fair share of problems… Derek being one of them… but Joey gave you some stability and being with you made him softer… he showed his softer side with you."

"I couldn't have got through the last few months without him…" Lauren said. "He was the strength I needed… the strength I still need…" she added.

"He's come back to Walford so that must tell you how much he loves you…" Kat said. Lauren nodded absently but Kat could see some doubt on her face, "Why don't you believe me?" she asked.

"Why would he love me…?" Lauren whispered. "I'm not good enough for him… I'm already so different to the person I was when we first got together… I'm Lauren the alcoholic… the girl he can't take out and have a good time with anymore… the girl that one sip of alcohol could kill… and now he's got to deal with this…" she said, waving her hand around to indicate her body.

"You know Joey as well as I do… more so in fact." Kat said, "He wouldn't've come back here if he didn't want to… and he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be… He wasn't with you before he left even though he wanted to be…"

"He did?" Lauren said.

"More than anything… we spoke, you know… after Alice was arrested… he needed someone to talk to so we talked… He nearly didn't leave… even after the court case and Alice was released… He didn't want to leave you here… He wanted the two of you to try again but thought you'd say no… I told him he'd never know if he didn't ask… and he'd live the rest of his life wondering what you would've said…"

"I did say no… I didn't want to… but I was still with Jake and I thought we were good together… I missed him the whole time after he left though… We would still speak to each other but there was an edge to the conversations… like we were avoiding talking about what we really wanted to discuss… We still haven't really spoken about it… we don't talk about much really."

"Why not?" Kat prodded.

"I've told him a bit about what happened… but I don't want him to know everything… I can't tell him because I know it will hurt him." She admitted.

"Aren't you hurting him by keeping him at arm's length?" Kat asked.

"I know." Lauren said, "I feel bad… It's partly because I don't know how to tell him… I can't put it into words…" She sighed, "I'm not sure it's going to work… it was difficult when we were together last time but in some ways it's even harder this time… despite the fact that a lot of the issues we had are gone, they've been replaced by something even more complicated…"

"Do you think he wouldn't understand…?" Kat asked.

"How can he… he hasn't been through it, has he?" Lauren said.

"He has in many ways, darling… He was there right from the beginning, yes?" Kat said and Lauren nodded. "Then he's been through it more than you have in many ways… yes, okay he didn't have the physical injuries you did but he had to watch you suffer through them… he sat next to your bedside… Your parents told me how he wouldn't leave your side… Jack said that it's because of Joey that you still have your leg… Can you imagine what that would've been like for him…? Your dad told him the decision was down to him…"

"You saw Uncle Jack?" Lauren said.

"Yeah, he came to see Tommy while he was back in Walford… he needed some time away from the hospital… it was just after the doctor had told them the options open to them. Joey had made the decision and it nearly caused a huge row between your parents…"

"There's a surprise…"

"Jack said that he only hoped the test results came back with the results they wanted." Lauren looked at Kat blankly. "Didn't they tell you?" Kat asked.

"Tell me what?" Lauren said.

"Joey chose to wait for the test results to see if tissue in your leg was still dying… If it wasn't, there was a chance that you'd be okay and they'd be able to do the skin graft… which is what happened… but the alternative was that you'd have lost your leg… but it could've been too late… the infection you had might've killed you…" Kat told him, "Can you imagine having that responsibility on his shoulders…? So, yes, okay… he hasn't gone through it as much as you have… but it hasn't been easy for him either."

"I never realised…" Lauren said, frowning slightly. "Abs mentioned about Joey being the person who convinced my parents not to chop my leg off… I was still on pretty strong drugs though and it didn't really sink in just what that meant…"

"I think you should talk to him, darling…" Kat said, "Tell him everything… I'm sure you'll feel better about things then… and Joey will understand a little more about what you've been through as well…"

"I'll try." Lauren said, "Thanks Kat." She added.

"You're welcome, sweetheart." She said with a smile. Lauren yawned, her face flushing. "Why don't the three of us leave you in peace, eh?" she said. "You give us a call when you're up for another visit, okay?" Kat told her as she placed Ernie back in the buggy.

"I will." Lauren said, "And maybe I'll pluck up the courage to come to yours this time…"

"Bring that boy of yours with you… I can teach him the finer art of changing nappies while he's there…" Kat said with a smirk, "just in case he ever needs to know for the future…" she added lightly, watching Lauren's face as it darkened in colour. She reached for Bert, placing him back in the buggy beside his brother. "Get some rest, Lauren… and take care of yourself." She said, getting to her feet and heading out of the room. "Thank you, Lauren." She said softly before leaving her again.

A/N: I think that went better than Lauren was expecting it to… but it was still quite an emotional chapter for Lauren than she'd expected it to be. And she learned some new things about the time she was in hospital… I wonder what will happen next… Send me a review and let me know what you think. Back tomorrow…