Ch 28.
In the chaos that surrounded her, she wanted to turn to inner peace, but, she was learning, there was very little inner peace to turn to.
Nataliya
April 17, 2001
As she sat on the bench inside the cathedral, Nataliya wondered at her life. Really, the past two weeks had been the most overwhelming in recent years, despite the sexual abuse she had experienced at the hands of her so-called husband. Alex and Abbie had both managed to get the marriage annulled though, and Alex had established, legally, that there had been no privilege during the time Nataliya had thought she had been married. The Ukrainian women knew that such things were exceedingly beneficial to the case. Despite not changing what had happened to her, Nataliya could freely discuss things that might mean another woman did not have to experience what she had.
That, in itself, was a relief.
More than anything, though, Nataliya had been processing the simple fact that her sister, the one she had spent years searching for and the search which exposed her to trafficking in the first place, was alive. That very meager fact was enough to make all of the suffering she had endured worth it. That she had been able to talk with her sister had been more than her heart had ever hoped for.
Closing her eyes, Nat drew up an image of Alex in her mind, picturing the way she looked. She had seen her so many times, talked with her so many times, and had just never known that it had been her. There was the fierce side of the woman, the protector. Nat had seen it in court, shadowing the prosecutor after Olivia and she had suggested that Nat get a better feel for the American court system in preparation for her own trial. Nat had seen the intense passion for victims in her body language and heard it in her voice. Even when they had talked about Nataliya's own victimization, there had been this ferocity that seemed to have been ignited from deep within the woman.
But, then, there was the vulnerable side of her, the side Nat had seen only after Alex had confessed to learning the two were related, that she was Sofi. Sofiya, though, had been but a girl. Alex was a woman, and, Nat thought she had detected a bit of a need for love and affection as her walls had broken down in her office only two weeks prior. There was only so much affection a stranger-sibling could provide, but Nataliya had also seen the way Olivia had looked at her when she had brought dinner. There, she thought, was someone who could protect the vulnerable side of Alexandra.
That night, Nataliya had talked with her parents for hours, telling them about how beautiful her sister was and how kind and loving and compassionate. She had answered questions as best she could and cried a lot with her mother. Her father, as ever, was more stoic, the one to keep his two girls together. They had asked about talking to Alex, their mother already calling the woman Sasha, a local pet name for Alexandra, already prepared to dote on the missing child emotionally, already asking if Sasha would come visit or if they could go to the United States, already years ahead of where they were. Nataliya had promised to ask Alex if she was ready to meet their parents, her biological parents, but cautioned that once Alex had been rescued from trafficking and adopted, she had very loving parents. Nat worried about the conflict that she feared Alex would feel having a biological set of parents who never stopped looking for her and an adoptive set of parents who loved and doted on her as if she had been their own.
Chewing on her lower lip, Nataliya pulled the phone from her pocket that had been given to her to communicate with her world both in New York and back home. She had called Alex several times, but the attorney had not answered, and Nataliya had not understood why. She had gotten a hold of Olivia the day before who had told her that Alex was emotionally fragile at that moment. The detective had also let slip that Alex had felt rejected, that Nataliya had been the first person Alex had ever actually confirmed her sexuality with – even Olivia had not known with certainty if Alex was a lesbian or if she were bisexual or pansexual – and Nataliya had run out.
At the time, Nat had not been willing to offer an explanation, instead hanging up with the detective with the promise to call back. She spent the night awake, soul searching. It put an ache in her heart, but she knew she needed to talk to Olivia about her reaction that day. After all, she had not meant to reject her sister.
"Benson," the detective answered.
"Detective, it is Nataliya," she said, her voice hushed. "I was hoping to meet you today. I – I need to talk to you about something important. For Sasha – Alex sake."
There was a moment of hesitation in Olivia's response. "Sure," she said. "Can I buy you lunch?"
"I do not think I will be able to eat. It is hard, hard conversation to have. Just, um, you and me. Is okay?" Nataliya continued, fumbling with her English as she fought tears.
"Alright, Nat," Olivia replied, and the woman instantly knew the detective was not angry with her. It felt like a weight was drawn from her back, and she hoped that Alex would not be angry with her, either. She had not meant the offense, and she figured that her family deserved an explanation, but she had no idea how to go about it without talking with Olivia first. "Is everything alright?"
"We meet at eleven at shelter?" she asked, checking her watch. It gave her about an hour to walk back to the domestic violence shelter she called home, and that would be plenty of time.
"Eleven," Olivia agreed.
They hung up and Nat mumbled a quick prayer that her sins – many that they were – would be forgiven. Then, she left, her hands tucked in her pockets. When she had asked for pictures of their childhood and their parents for missing persons to run a composite and try to help locate her missing sister, Nataliya had asked for one additional picture to be sent to her. It was that picture which had never left her pocket upon arrival, one that she had never shared with anyone in the United States, and one that had been private outside of her own family. Even within her family, there had been such a struggle for acceptance and understanding, but it had come.
She walked up the small drive of the shelter just as Olivia was getting out of the car. "Olivia," she said, waving her hand as the detective turned around.
"What perfect timing," the woman said. "Hop in." Olivia drove them out to Battery Park where they walked for several minutes in silence, Nataliya unsure how to begin.
Finally, the foreign born woman pulled the photograph out of her pocket, handing it to the detective. "That is Anya," she said, pointing to the woman in the picture, a shaggy black dog in her arms. It was her favourite picture of the woman, her smile so genuine that it reached her eyes. "She was murdered in 1998."
"I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered. "What happened?"
"A group of men attacked her while she was walking to my apartment. They drag her down alley and beat her with bat. They took turns raping her. When they leave, she crawl to my home for help. Anya, she – she died in hospital that night. Her jaw broken, ribs broken, bleeding from liver and kidneys, they cut her -" She gestured to her private area.
Olivia nodded her understanding. "I'm so sorry, Nataliya."
"Police in Ukraine they, um, did not, uh, what is word? Search?"
"They didn't investigate the murder?" Olivia questioned.
Nat nodded. "They did until found out why she came to my house." Nataliya stopped walking, her lips pressed together, tongue rubbing nervously over the backs of her teeth. "Is lot of, uh, pred – prejudice in Ukraine around homosexuality. Anya and I -" She worked her mouth as she struggled not only for English words but also for words in general. "I am not so different from you and Alex."
Olivia's mouth opened in understanding, and Nataliya could see in the detective's eyes that she followed her perfectly. "Oh, Nataliya," she breathed. "She was killed because she was gay, wasn't she?"
Again, Nat nodded. "We, she – I did not know she was coming over." She pushed her tears away with the back of her hand. "She was – I don't know the word. She had ring in pocket."
"She was going to propose?" Olivia asked. Nat nodded. "What happened to the ring?"
"When men take me, they take ring," the woman said, hanging her head. "It was all I had of her. No one outside my family know I am gay. Was very hard for Father to accept. He afraid people attack me like Anya. I am afraid for Alex. Every day, we hear about attack or something bad. Children are homeless or locked up because of it."
Olivia shook her head. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. America – we're not so tolerant, either. We're getting better, though. And, Nat, I won't let anyone hurt Alex, not any more. I won't let anyone hurt you, either." She pressed her hand on Nataliya's arm, gently squeezing. "You will find support in Alex, Nat, if you want to tell her."
Hugging herself, Nat nodded. "I want to – I did not mean to be offensive. Olivia, I do not reject her. She is my sister. I have loved her my whole life. Nothing can change that."
"I think Alex would like to hear about Anya, Nat. You should tell her your story. She'll understand, and I think having your sister to support you will do a lot of good for you. It sounds like her presence in your life is really meaningful. And, I can tell you right now, she wants your approval, too. When we found out you two were sisters, she didn't want to tell you because she was afraid that she wouldn't be good enough to be your sister."
Nat felt her eyes go wide. "She thought she was not good enough?" she repeated. Licking her lips, Nataliya shook her head. "Can you take me to her? I want to talk to her. Tell her she is good enough. More than good enough. She is amazing. I am so proud to know her, before I knew she was sister. And, now, I brag about her to our parents."
Nataliya smiled. "In office, when you tell me she is my sister, my heart burst. I am so happy it hurts. I know she is alive, and I feel joy. I see she is good human being, and – and I want to be that, too."
Olivia's smile reached her eyes, and Nataliya knew, without a trace of doubt that she had conveyed her point. "You should definitely tell her that," Olivia confided. "Alex is very much questioning her humanity these days." Olivia jerked her head in the direction of the car, her hands tucked in her pockets.
Quickly, Nataliya caught up, looping her arm through one of the detective's. "You know, I not know you very long, but I see in your eyes. You love Alex." She nodded as if this were not up for discussion. "One day, I hope you become sister to me, too."
Flushing deep red, Olivia looked away for a moment. "Don't tell her that," she whispered.
Nataliya furrowed her brow as she looked at the detective, confused by her meaning. Finally, she shook her head. "I do not understand," she said. "She love you, too."
Olivia froze, stopping midstep, and Nataliya looked back. The detective seemed to be speaking without sound as she struggled to regain her composure. And, then, it dawned on Nat. "She does not tell you?" She narrowed her eyes, watching the detective. "You tell her," she demanded, her lips pinching.
"Soon," Olivia promised, and Nataliya could see a glisten in her eyes. It was well concealed, the moisture disappearing in the next blink, but she had seen it.
"Before it too late," Nataliya whispered, her fingers tracing the picture of Anya she still held in her hand.
