Chapter 27 BPOV

Angela was dead. There seemed to be no other possibility. Her body couldn't be found. There was no evidence that she could be alive and Emmett had searched exhaustedly for her.

I couldn't believe she was gone.

My heart bled for Ethan and Hannah. Though they had her for a short period of time, they were too young to ever remember her. I cried for them every day, never in front of anyone of course, and never while I was around the twins. It was usually at night in bed when I would mull over the events of the day. I would think of what it would be like for them to grow up without their mother; to never know her, to never remember the short time they had together.

I loved Ethan and Hannah as if they were my own children. I had been there for them since shortly after they were born and I felt an unbreakable connection to them. Their pain was my pain.

It was the main reason that I decided to drop my classes for the rest of the semester. It was still early enough that I received part of my tuition back. More importantly though, I knew the twins would need me more than ever. And so would Edward.

No one had asked or suggested that I do such a thing. In fact, Alice and Monica had argued with me briefly about it but I was resolved. I had talked to my parents about it as well and they actually agreed with me wholeheartedly.

I never even viewed it as any sacrifice on my part. I loved all of the Cullens and I would do anything for them. In my mind, they were family; and you did things like that for family. What better reason could anyone ever have? I was young and had plenty of time to go back and take classes. The twins would only go through this difficult time once, and damn it I would be there for them.

Then of course there was Edward.

Edward.

I hardly recognized him anymore. He didn't go to work anymore, all he seemed to do was sleep, spend time with the twins and drink at night. I think he tried to drink on the sly but it wasn't hard to notice the telltale signs. Bottles wrapped in newspaper in the garbage, going through bottles of aspirin like candy and the smell of the alcohol on him if I passed him early mornings near the twins' room.

He looked tired and depressed. He had lost weight. He no longer had that twinkle in his eye or lightness to his step. He was absolutely a changed man. He must have loved Angela tremendously to grieve so deeply. It must have been one of those soul mate kind of loves to have effected every part of his life like that.

I had seen people lose their spouse before. I had never seen any of them react like Edward. There was sadness to be sure, and a period of adjustment and depression, but somehow life would go on.

With Edward it looked like life was going to end.

It pained me to see him so sad. Would he ever again be the man that I met when I moved here?

He also avoided me as much as possible. We didn't see a lot of each other anyway with his work schedule, but since the accident, it felt like he went out of his way to never be in the same room with me. If I didn't know any better I would say that he didn't even know I still lived there. I didn't know why that was the case. And of course I couldn't ask him about it. So I just did what I was there to do, take care of the twins.

After the first couple of months, I could feel the depression that enveloped Edward's every step start to seep into my consciousness. It was as if his feelings became my feelings. I couldn't help it. I missed seeing the Edward I knew and loved.

Yes, loved.

I felt as if the moment that Angela died, Edward had died with her. His body was in the house but it was merely a shadow compared to the flesh and blood Edward I had gotten to know.

I missed him terribly and I had no one to talk to about it. I didn't know how to make it better. I didn't know if or how I could help him. I did the only thing I knew I could do; love his children. Loving them still connected me to him somehow. It wasn't enough but it was something.

After the first few months, my tears at night had morphed from grief over Angela's death and its effect on Ethan and Hannah, to the loss of Edward. My love was still there for him, but the man I thought I loved was no longer living in the house.

It was not like I could fight to get him back; he was never mine. He never knew how I felt and now surely he never would. How completely inappropriate it would be for me to tell him how I felt and that I missed him. His wife was dead. He was mourning the love of his life. There would be no amount of time that could go by that would heal him of that wound.

Although I had given up school for the twins, I would have to talk to Edward at some point about how I was to leave Chicago with the least effect on the children. I couldn't stay forever. I needed to start my life too. I was more than willing to help them out for a while, but now that Edward was truly slipping away, it pained me even more to stay. I wanted to help him but there was nothing I could do. Every day that I remained, I died a little more inside.

Surely this wasn't really love… No, this was an obsession. True love wasn't one-sided and that was what my love was; only on my side. Edward didn't even know who I was anymore. Not really.

My parents had been planning to come visit the weekend of St. Patrick's Day. They wanted to see the Chicago River turn green. I told them that would be fine but that I didn't think it was a good idea for them to come to the brownstone. That would mean having to talk to Edward about Angela and giving him their condolences. I didn't want to put him through that again.

So I met them out and about in Chicago over the weekend. We went to some museums and did some shopping. We talked a lot about Edward and the twins. We all agreed that I needed to speak to Edward about leaving at some point. They didn't know him well enough to give me any sound advice as to when I should have that conversation.

It was great to spend time with them. I hadn't realized how lonely I had been lately. Sure, there were plenty of people coming in and out of the brownstone over the last few months, but I had spent the majority of my time with Ethan and Hannah. I occasionally went to a movie with Alice and Jasper, or spent time at the book store, but I hadn't been spending time with other people. I was guessing that this all had something to do with my depression, right along with my 'loss' of Edward.

For their last night in town, they wanted to take me for dinner at the Signature Room on the 95th floor of the John Hancock Building. I had always wanted to have dinner there. So, we went to the Water Tower Place and my mom insisted on buying me a new dress. I loved it. The classic little black dress. This dress was a bit lower cut than I was used to and it hung off the shoulders slightly. It was form fitting and I loved it. I left them to go back to their hotel while I rushed home to check on the twins and change clothes.

When I got to the brownstone the twins were already in bed. It almost seemed as if no one else was home but I knew better. Edward would never leave them alone.

I looked around downstairs and noticed a light on under the door that led to the study. I knocked softly.

"Come in," Edward answered.

"Oh, hi. I just wanted to see who was home, that's all. I'll leave you alone, sorry to disturb you," I told him.

He was sitting in front of his desk with only the little lamp on. The desk was piled with papers that he was going through. Next to the papers on the right was a full open bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass standing next to it. His hair was disheveled as usual, but his eyes had a deeper hue around them. He looked exhausted. I swallowed tightly and closed the door.

I turned around and walked to my room to get ready.

The hot shower offered me no respite. My thoughts were consumed with Edward and how he had looked sitting at his desk.

Lost.

Alone.

A little bit like me.

I shook my head to rid my rattled brain of thoughts of Edward and concentrated on getting ready to meet my parents. I put on my new dress after fixing my hair and makeup. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. As I walked down the hallway toward the front door, I heard a chair sliding out on the floor behind me.

"Going somewhere?" Edward asked. I turned around abruptly and looked at him. He had scooted the chair away from the kitchen table and was leaning back staring at me.

"Yes, I'm going for dinner," I answered him.

His eyes looked me up and down boldly as I stood there facing him. He was silent for the longest time, his eyes raking over my person repeatedly. I started to feel uncomfortable. Obviously he didn't care for what I was wearing; why else would he look at me with such distaste? Maybe I should change? No, my mother helped pick this out for me and she would be disappointed if I wasn't wearing it at dinner.

"Um, well, I gotta go. See you later Edward," I told him as I turned quickly and rushed out the front door.

Dinner was amazing. The food and service was excellent. Neither could be matched by the view of course. Dinner at the Signature Room was everything I had dreamed it would be. It was the perfect place for me to say goodbye to my parents before they left. Mom even had the waiter take a picture of all of us.

As I drove home, I decided I would talk to Edward at the end of the month and formulate a plan to leave Chicago. I missed my parents and I really wanted to finish school. I no longer was interested in being an au pair. After what had happened with the Cullens, I didn't think I could do it again for another family. It would be too painful.

No, it was time to concentrate on my future. My future didn't have Edward in it, or the twins. My future was to go back to school, travel whenever I could, and spend time with my parents. It was good that they came to visit; their presence had put everything into perspective for me.

I tiptoed into the house, closing the front door quietly behind me. I knew my steps wouldn't wake the twins but I didn't want to alert Edward to my arrival. I just wanted to head to bed. I didn't need to be stared at again and made self conscious about my dress.

"Sneaking back in are you?"

I sucked in my breath and shrieked quickly. "Oh, Edward! You scared the shit out of me!"

He was standing in the dark hallway, leaning against the wall.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You look like you're sneaking back into the house after doing something you weren't supposed to do."

"What? What do you mean?" I asked him.

He sauntered slowly over to me. "Were you?" he asked.

"Was I what" I answered back.

"Were. You. Sneaking. Back. Into. The. House?" he said, pausing after each word. Each word took him one step closer towards me. As he neared me I instantly smelled the Jack Daniels on him. It seemed to be oozing from his pores. He was drunk.

"No. I was just coming back from dinner. And now I'm going to bed." I took a step toward my room.

He immediately side stepped in front of me and took another step forward, backing me toward the front door. At the same time his eyes raked over my body again from head to toe. I started to squirm under his intense glare.

"You know, you shouldn't go out in public like that," he said, licking his lips and smirking at me.

I hesitated before I responded. My eyes locked in on his mouth, mesmerized by the sight of his tongue coming out of his mouth and wetting his lips. Drunk or not, he had the most amazing mouth.

"I… I don't know what you mean, Edward."

"You look sinful in that dress Bella, and I think you know that." He took another step forward. I was running out of space between my back and the front door. I moved a step to the right toward my room again but Edward side stepped me once more, effectively backing me against the door.

He lifted both of his arms up, placing them on either side of me and leaned in toward my face.

"Anyone in their right mind wouldn't let you out of their sight in that dress. Who were you out with tonight, Bella? Paul? Jake? Someone new?" He leaned in toward my face and ran the tip of his nose up and down my right cheek, inhaling my scent. "God, you smell so good."

Holy shit! He smelled me. What the hell was I supposed to do? He was drunk; there was no good outcome in this situation. I was screwed. Well, not literally of course, but figuratively. I had a no-win situation here. If I let him go further I would indulge a two year fantasy I had about this man and he obviously would break my heart. If I pushed him away it might embarrass him or worse, piss him off. How do I get out of this mess?

Suddenly I realized he was kissing my neck.

Oh fuck, it felt so good. Yes, I could smell the Jack Daniels all over him, but underneath that was that Edward smell I missed so much since Angela had died. He had never gotten so close to me since then and I missed it terribly.

Oh shit, Angela was dead. That's right. Remember that and get yourself out of this. This is wrong.

"Do you have any idea how you have driven me insane since the first moment I met you?" he told me quietly. He moved to the other side of my neck, kissing me up and down my neck and sucking my ear lobe lightly into his mouth. He brought his lips over to my cheek and backed away slightly from my face. He was looking directly into my eyes and I was bewitched.

I couldn't look away.

Not for all the money in the world.

Not for every good reason to do so.

Not for the memory of a dead woman whom I cared for.

I couldn't.

"Bella," he whispered my name softly like a feather floating in the breeze. He said it reverently like a prayer. "Bella," he said it again, never wavering his eyes from mine. Then he looked at my lips briefly and back into my eyes again.

Oh my God! He was going to kiss me. Holy shit! It was finally going to happen. In that moment, I didn't give a rat's ass that it was because he was drunk.

I knew he would regret it.

I knew I never would.

Somehow, I had been granted a chance to know what it would be like to kiss the love of my existence and I would not turn it down.

I knew it was wrong.

And in that moment, I knew I didn't care.

My heart was racing and my chest was heaving. I was breathless already and he had barely touched me. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. All I knew was that I wanted to kiss him. Really kiss him.

That's all.

That was everything.

He leaned closer still and brushed his lips softly, ever so softly over mine. I closed my eyes in pure bliss. Dear God, if you were planning on taking me young, do so right now because life just didn't get any better than this second.

He deepened the kiss slightly by taking my top lip in between his and sucking slightly and then moving to my bottom lip. I mirrored his kiss, sucking on his lower lip first and then as he switched, his upper one. His tongue peaked out gently from between his lips and begged entrance into my mouth. My tongue greeted his like a long lost lover, twisting and playing with his gently. His body moved in closer to mine and he flattened his fully against mine.

He felt and tasted absolutely heavenly.

My entire body was electrified. Every nerve was on full alert.

My hands raised slowly up to his chest and rose higher up to his shoulders, wrapping themselves around the back of his head and twirling his soft hair between my fingers. Oh, that amazing hair; finally I knew what it really felt like. I couldn't stop playing with it and pulling it gently as his tongue plunged in and out of my mouth. We both turned our heads to the side to deepen the kiss even further and all at once the kissing turned in to what can only be described as mashing.

It was hungry and desperate. Glorious in its passion, beautiful in its simplicity. It just kept going on.

I couldn't get enough of him.

Had I ever thought that I would? Like an addict, once broken, not able to stop.

I heard him moaning and much to my embarrassment I realized I was louder than he was. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way over a kiss, couldn't recall a time my body physically reacted to another in this way. I was so aroused that had we gone further I would be humiliated if he touched me there.

Niagara Falls was the only correct description of what had happened to me.

I could feel his reaction to me as well. I felt it on my stomach as he ground it against me all the while plundering my mouth with his blissful kisses.

"God, help me, I want you Bella," he whispered in between kisses.

He wanted me?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

What the fuck was I going to do?

We were kissing so desperately, our lips bruising each other's in their frantic dance together. His lips were so soft and his tongue did things inside my mouth that I had never felt before.

This was a kiss.

This was what life was all about.

This was what I refused to live my life without.

I wanted him. God, help me, but I did.

I had no more control over what came out of my mouth next than I had control over the weather.

"I want you too, Edward."

There.

I said it.

It was the truth.

I wanted him so badly I could have started to cry. Never had I felt so desperate for another person. I wanted to consume him. I wanted to eat him alive.

He slowed down our kissing until it was soft and languid again.

Then he stopped kissing me altogether and looked down at me.

Both of us were breathing heavily as if we had just finished a 10K run. We sucked in each other's breaths, trying to calm down for a moment.

Other than our heavy breathing there was only silence.

He kissed me one more time gently.

"Why don't you go into the living room for a minute? I need to go to the bathroom quickly and I want to take my shoes off," I told him.

"Sure, sure." He kissed me again, this time a little more forcefully. "Hurry back, ok?"

"Ok," I told him.

My legs were shaking when I reached my bathroom.

I had to pee since I walked in the door but nothing was worth breaking that moment upstairs.

What should I do now? Did I really want to go through with this?

I loved Edward. Of that I was sure.

But he was drunk.

Would he remember anything if we did it tonight? Did I want to lose my virginity to him when he was drunk? Did he even care for me for more than just sex? Would my heart survive it if he didn't?

God, all the questions! And I didn't have any answers.

And THE final question:

If I could have Edward even for only one night, if this was the only chance I would ever have, could I take it?

A/N

As usual thank you to my partner Parama! Not only for her support and ideas but also for hooking me up with the best FF recs EVER. This past week she hooked me into 'A Pound of Flesh' by Jaxon22 and I'm telling you…WOW WOW WOW. Amazing story, I couldn't stop reading for two days. I'm still puckering from the lemons…and the storyline is fantastic truly. LUV that slow burn. Thank you to all our readers and to those loyal fans who always leave reviews…we so appreciate all your support.