Sins of the Mother
Episode 27: I'm a hazard to myself.
"No…" Megan's eyes are red and puffy. However, she is trying her hardest not to cry.
"Hi…Megan.." Paul is feeling rather nervous. "It's…been a while…"
"I…no…" Megan falls on her knees. "No…"
"Honey?" Paul is uncertain whether to approach her or not.
"I…I always…" Megan's tears fall to the ground.
"Megan…honey…" Paul's smile remains, in spite of the fact that inside, his heart is already been torn to shreds.
"You… Why?" Megan looks up at Paul, fury written all over her face. "Why are you dead?"
"Megan…I…" Finally, the smile fades. "What do I say?"
"How about telling me why you are here?"
"I…" Paul's eyes start to tear up. "I…killed myself…"
"What the fuck for!" Megan's fists tightened. Courtney, who had accompanied Megan, placed a comforting hand on her back.
Paul started to cry. "I… I couldn't go on, ok? I just…couldn't continue without her. I…"
"Asshole…" Megan's voice is rather hushed. She gets up, turns back, and starts running away.
"Megan, come back!" Courtney calls to no avail. She turns to Paul. He is a fully broken man now, kneeling on the ground, crying.
As Megan continues running, she remembers how foolish she has been all these years…
It was Father's day, and seven year old Megan was watching TV. She had already given her grandfather the present grandma picked up in her name. At least she wrote the note herself.
"Do you have a daddy? I bet you do." The TV show host wore some type of corny sweater. "Who's your daddy?"
Megan watches the TV special. She sees several kids, right around her age, introduce their fathers. Some of them introduced more than one. This fact didn't register in her mind as odd, not once. What did register was a pang of jealousy. These kids all had their fathers. She still waited for hers to come back…
Megan trips and falls down. As she gets herself up, and continues to run.
Paul remained on the ground, crying. In his mind, he replayed the memory of that awful day…
Paul looked inside the cabinet, to see if there was anything he and his three year old daughter, Megan, could eat. There was a jar of oatmeal. Paul breathes a sigh of relief. He takes it out, opens the jar, and looks inside. There's enough for one person. Paul nods to himself. This will be Megan's breakfast. He pours the oats onto the frying pan, turns the stove on, and begins frying the oats. He looks inside the fridge, to get the milk. There's barely enough milk to make the oatmeal with. Paul sighs, dejected. He hadn't done much shopping since Heather died about a week ago. Paul sighs. He then starts smelling something.
"Shit, the oats!" Paul rushes to his burnt oats. He slaps his forehead. He turns the stove off, and throws the oats away. "Dummy, pour the milk first, THEN the oats! How did Heather survive being married to me?"
Paul sits down, feeling down. Just thinking about Heather gets him down.
"Heather…" Paul's eyes begin to tear up. He dries his tears, swearing that he can't cry. He gets up, and looks inside the fridge for something else to eat. There isn't a thing. Not even a slice of cheese…
"Damn" Paul slams his fist onto the table. He gets an idea. He goes to his room, searches his pants, and takes out his wallet. "Maybe I got a few bucks here."
He opens his wallet. He has three dollars. He smiles. He looks at his watch. It is 6:45 AM. Megan will wake up in a little while. He goes outside. Suddenly, he stops.
"I can't leave Megan alone…" Paul holds onto the apartment building's railings. "Even if it is for 15 minutes… I can't leave her alone…"
"Paul…" Deborah opens her door. "It's early. What's wrong?"
"Hey Mrs. Anderson. No, nothing is wrong." Paul is obviously lying. His stomach growls furiously.
"When will you be going back to work?" Deborah looks at Paul sympathetically.
"Soon." Paul offers a false smile. "I mean…come on, I'm still in mourning, you know?"
"Paul…" Deborah looks away. "I wont be able to take care of Megan for much longer."
"I understand…" Paul was disappointed. "I mean…she is so young, and she can be a handful. Thank you for all the times you did, however."
"It's not that she's a handful." Deborah looks at the sky with much sadness. "I will soon be joining her…"
"No…" Paul slams his fist onto the railing. He then starts to shake off the pain. "I am so sorry."
"Paul…let's be honest. Right now, your top priority should be Megan."
"I swear, it is." Paul rubs his hand.
"Then…do you have any family members that can take care of her?"
"You know I don't have any family left… But…" Paul suddenly gets an idea. "Heather's family likes Megan. They can…"
Paul looks at the ground. "Mrs. Anderson…I mean, Deborah… I should give Megan to her parents. They are well off, and they love Megan…They call her everyday, since the funeral. And Megan loves talking to them… Do you think Megan will like living with them?"
"You need to do the right thing, son." Deborah places a comforting hand on his forearm. She then starts coughing.
"Deborah… I will take Megan to live with her grandparents…" Paul's tears fall down to the floor.
Megan ran as fast as she could. Suddenly, the mist started growing thicker and thicker. But she didn't care, she just ran. Suddenly, she bumps into someone, and falls to the floor.
"Ouch…" Megan begins to whimper.
"Megan? Are you ok?" The voice belonged to Jefferson. He offers her a hand.
"Leave me alone." She slaps the hand away.
"Megan…I'm sorry." Jefferson hangs his head. "I… I didn't mean what I said back then."
"Will you leave me alone, already?" Megan's shout was filled with hate, anger and venom. Her eyes burned with sorrow and rage.
"Megan…I…" Jefferson was at a loss for words.
"Hold on…why are you here?" Megan suddenly realized where they were. "Are you dead?"
"No, neither of us is." Jefferson looks at Megan. He is still offering a helping hand.
"Then go away and leave me alone." Megan gets up, and turns her back on him.
"Megan…" Jefferson is at a loss for words. "Can I…talk to you."
"No. What part of leave me alone don't you understand?"
Jefferson sighs in defeat. He had never seen Megan act like this. Unable to figure out what to do, he decides to simply leave her alone. Geoff arrives around that time.
"Don't give up, son." Geoff pats his son's shoulder. "She never left your side when you were at your lowest. Remember?"
Jefferson suddenly realized what he needs to do. He heads over to Megan, and simply sits beside her.
"Why can't you leave me alone?" Megan says, tears rolling down her eyes.
"Meg… I know something's wrong. And…if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. But, just let me stay by your side, ok?" Jefferson looks at Megan. His heart breaks seeing her like that.
About a whole hour passes before Megan starts talking again.
"I saw my dad here." Megan dries the last of her tears. "He killed himself."
Jefferson's eyes widen at this revelation. "Oh my God, I'm sorry."
Suddenly, a memory of his makes Jefferson wince at the weight of the revelation…
Fifteen year old Megan was hanging out with Jefferson. She merely stared at the small tadpoles in the pond.
"Hey Meg, why do you always stare at those tadpoles?"
"Oh, I just like them." Megan smiles. "I think frogs and tadpoles are cute."
"Most girls find them freaky." Jefferson chuckles.
"It will be father's day next Sunday…" Megan suddenly looks downtrodden.
"Ugh, don't remind me." Jefferson's gaze darkens.
"Know what?"
Jefferson looks at Megan. His gaze softens. "Yeah?"
"Someday, I will go out and find my dad."
Jefferson looks at Megan with a curious gaze. "Why?"
"I don't know. I think he's still alive."
Jefferson scoffs. "Then why isn't he here with you?"
Megan stops talking after he asked that. She would spend a whole week without speaking to Jefferson after that, and only started talking to him after he apologized…
"Jefferson?" Megan starts crying again. "Thank you, for coming here."
"Meg…" Jefferson places an arm around her, and gives her a hug.
"All my life, I wondered why my dad wasn't around. I sometimes thought he had abandoned me. That he left me so he wouldn't have to deal with me. Now, I find out he killed himself. He didn't care about me at all." Megan's crying into Jefferson's shirt.
"That's not true." Megan recognizes that voice. It's Paul. "Megan… I cared about you more than anything else on this planet."
"Bullshit!" Megan gets up, and stares angrily at her father "Then why the hell did you leave me?"
"I couldn't take care of you anymore. I was poor, didn't have much money. I struggled to make ends meet. I knew your grandparents were well off, so…I gave you to them, so they could give you the life you deserved."
"I didn't ask you why you left me with grandma and grandpa." Megan's tears are stinging her eyes. "I am asking you why you killed yourself."
"Meg, I…" Paul looks down on the ground in shame. He kneels down. "I lost your mother. She gave me a reason to live. She then gave me you, my greatest accomplishment. I loved your mother more than anyone else on the planet. More than I ever loved anyone else in my entire life. She was my everything, Megan. But, God took her away from me. When I lost her I lost sight of everything. Even any reason to go on living. The only thing I had left was you. But… I couldn't give you the life you deserved."
"Get to the point." Megan crosses her arms. Her angry glare remains fixed on Paul.
"Megan. When I gave you to Clyde and Susan, I simply didn't have any more reason to live. You didn't need me. No one did." Paul's tears soak the ground. "So, I figured, no one would miss me when I died."
"I grew up thinking you abandoned me. That I had done something wrong." Megan walks over to Paul, and is now standing in front of him. "Every Father's Day, I thought about where you were. I asked myself if you were with mom, in Heaven. I never wanted to think you were dead…Always holding on to the idea that you were still alive…that I would find you someday…"
Megan places her hand on Paul's shoulder. Paul looks up at his daughter. She slaps him across the face.
"Now I find out, my dad killed himself!" Megan can no longer control her seething rage. She tightens her fists, ready to throw a punch. Jefferson grabs her, however.
"Let me go!" Megan tries in vain to struggle out of his grip. "Let me GO!"
The more she struggles, the more she realizes that, no matter how hard she tries, Jefferson would never let her go. He would never allow her to pulverize someone like Paul, who merely laid on the ground, still dazed from the slap he had coming from so long ago. As she finally cools off a bit, she begins weeping. Jefferson holds her, as her furious tears soak up Jefferson's shirt. Geoff, who had seen the whole thing unfold, merely sighs in defeat…
