Chapter 28
Rossi went back up to check on Hotch at nine. The water was still on the nightstand and Hotch was still in the same position, but Rossi thought Hotch was actually asleep. As he stood there and watched him, Hotch started tossing and turning. Shit! Not another nightmare! Hotch mumbled something and Rossi sat down next to him and rubbed his back. Hotch started to calm down with his touch. I know they say you don't give anyone anything they can't handle, God, but I think you might be pushing it with this one. He's been through enough! Please let him get through this. Please God! You know I love him like a son, and I can't handle seeing him this broken. If I've done anything in this life to earn your love, please help him through this. Rossi prayed as a tear fell down his cheek. "Come on, Aaron, you can beat this," Rossi whispered as he leaned down and gave him a kiss on the head and left him to sleep.
XXX
Rossi heard his bedroom door open and he looked at his alarm clock: 4:23. He sat up quickly and saw Hotch standing in his doorway. "Aaron?" Rossi asked frantically as he scrambled out of bed.
Before he could even get close to him, Rossi could hear him sucking in air as he gasped in between sobs. "Jesus Christ, Aaron, what is it?" Rossi asked as he flipped on his light to look at Hotch.
Hotch's face was red and his eyes were swollen from crying so much. Rossi led him to his bed and pushed him down into a sitting position. The frightened look on Hotch's face made Rossi's eyes tear up instantly. "What?" Rossi pleaded. "I can't help, if you don't tell me what's wrong."
Hotch tried to tell him something, but his irregular breathing wouldn't let him form words.
A horrible thought suddenly hit Rossi. "Oh my God! No!" Rossi said as he knelt down in front of him. Hotch shrugged as he struggled to breathe. Rossi stood up and forced Hotch's head down between his knees. "Try to take a deep breath, Aaron." Rossi rubbed Hotch's back. "There you go, a couple more times."
When Hotch's chest stopped heaving so violently, he sat up. His pleading eyes made Rossi pull him into a hug. "Calm down, Aaron. It's going to be okay." Rossi took a shuddering breath. "It's okay. It's okay." He kept repeating until Hotch had settled down enough that Rossi thought he could talk. He held him at arms-length. "Tell me."
Hotch swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. He licked his lips and then looked Rossi in the eyes. "I had a nightmare," Hotch started and then took a deep breath. "It woke me up, and as I was trying to tell myself that it was just a dream," Hotch closed his eyes and hung his head.
"It's gonna be okay," Rossi told him again, but he couldn't even make himself believe it.
Hotch shook his head. "I can't feel her anymore, Dave. She's gone."
Rossi's chest tightened as he knelt down in front of Hotch again. "You think she's dead?" Rossi asked him already knowing the answer.
"I have the big empty space in my chest. I can't feel her anymore."
"You've felt so much, did you feel her. . . Could you tell she. . ." Rossi couldn't bring himself to say it.
Hotch shook his head. "Nothing like that, but she's gone," Hotch repeated as he grabbed his chest and scrunched his shirt up in his hands.
Rossi took that as a positive sign, though, and he reached up and lifted Hotch's chin to make him look at him. "Maybe something else has happened. Maybe that's not the reason you can't feel her. You have to keep believing that's she's alive, Aaron." Rossi took a deep breath. "If he was going to kill her, you would have gotten a lot more than a note and a video."
Hotch considered his words. "But it can't be good."
"Probably not, but that doesn't mean she's dead. You have to keep telling yourself that she's alive, and we will find her." This isn't the help I had in mind, God!
Hotch swallowed and nodded weakly.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up and get you something to drink," Rossi said as he stood up and pulled Hotch into a standing position. Hotch nodded. "You go wash your face, and I'll go put on the coffee," Rossi told him as he steered him to the hallway. He watched as Hotch went into the bathroom and shut the door. He sighed heavily and headed downstairs. He put on the coffee and was glad to have a machine that made it almost instantly. Once it was done, he poured two cups. Right about when he was getting worried about Hotch not coming down, he heard Hotch on the stairs.
Hotch took the coffee with a small nod. He took a sip, decided it wasn't too hot, and took a bigger drink. It burned all the way down. At least I can still feel something.
Rossi led him to the table, and they sat down. Rossi silently let Hotch drink the cup down to give him time to recover. Once Hotch was done with it, Rossi got up to get him a refill.
"Aaron, I know you're hurting, but you need to pull yourself together for the kids."
"I know."
"Are you going home today?"
"After going to work."
"They're not expecting you at work. You can go home and get yourself together."
"No. I'll be fine. I presume we didn't get a case yesterday."
"No, but the kids think we did."
Hotch nodded his understanding. "I'm really sorry for losing it, Dave," Hotch told him as his face flushed with embarrassment.
"If anyone deserves to lose it, Aaron, it's you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm just really glad you're functioning right now," Rossi told him with a small smile.
"Functioning, yes. A hundred present, no."
"No one expects you to be at full capacity, but I think the boys suspect something's wrong. You need to be prepared when you see them."
Hotch looked at the cup in his hand. "While I was lying there last night, I realized that if I didn't get my act together, that the kids would be the ones to suffer. I was starting to straighten myself out, and I had every intension of going home last night, but I guess I fell asleep, and then. . ." Hotch took a deep breath.
Rossi put his hand on Hotch's arm. "You can't let yourself believe she's dead, Aaron."
"I know, but I'm really scared, Dave. The only other time I have felt this much fear is. . ." Hotch stopped as his eyes watered.
Rossi knew he was talking about the horrible day Foyet had gotten to Haley. "I know you're scared, and you have every right to be, but you have to convince yourself that Kahlan's alive or you're never going to be able to cope." Rossi patted his arm and then reached for his cup again.
"I'm trying, Dave. I really am. I was trying to convince myself that she's just on vacation and she'll be back, but after that video. . ."
"I know. It was hard for any of us to watch, and I can't even imagine how you feel, but we're all here for you, Aaron. You have to know that."
"I know, and I really do appreciate it, and I know I don't tell you all that enough." Hotch locked eyes with Rossi and Hotch's eyes started to water again. "I wouldn't know what to do without you, Dave."
Rossi smiled. "I'm just glad I can help. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to help with how you were acting. You scared me." Rossi gave him a small smile. "I don't think I could handle you breaking."
"I thought I was going to break, too, and it scared me, so don't feel bad." Hotch smiled. "Thank you for everything, Dave."
Rossi returned the smile. "Anything for my family."
XXX
Hotch noticed his go bag in the guestroom and he smiled weakly. After showering and changing, Hotch went into the BAU and spent the day catching up on paperwork, but he made it a point to be home before the boys got there. He was able to get ahold of his emotions and he told the boys that he had just had a bad day. They understood and they all spent the evening enjoying family time.
A week filled with two cases helped keep Hotch's mind occupied, but even though Hotch was keeping up a good front for the kids, Rossi knew he was starting to spiral downward again. No new leads or messages were compounding with the fact that Hotch couldn't sense Kahlan, and Rossi was afraid that Hotch was starting to allow himself to think that Kahlan was dead. Even though he would never admit it, Rossi was starting to feel the same way.
XXX
After a Saturday off with the kids, Hotch found himself on the jet with a case in Long Island. It wasn't a long flight, but the whole team didn't like Hotch's silence after the initial case briefing. Someone was kidnapping woman, keeping them for about a month, and dumping their battered bodies along the interstate. Three bodies had been found already, and another woman was missing. No one on the team mentioned the resemblance of the missing woman to Kahlan, and knowing the unsub was a sexual sadist made the case hit a little too close to home for the Unit Chief.
The whole team breathed a sigh of relief when they found the unsub two days later and saved the woman. Rossi almost teared up as the woman hugged Hotch to say 'thank you' for saving her. Hotch hugged her back, and Rossi prayed to God that Kahlan would be hugging Hotch soon, too.
XXXXX
A guard escorted Kahlan to her room. She had become very compliant, and he was relaxed as he followed the broken woman. Her mind was racing as she tried to figure out what she wanted to do. She had no idea what had happened to put her in the strange place, and she couldn't remember how long she had been there; but she was sure Chuck was looking for her. She knew they were messing with her mind, and it scared her more than she had ever been scared before. I have to get him a message! He has to find me! She missed her son dearly, and she cried herself to sleep wondering where he was and who was taking care of him.
She stopped at the door that led to the room she knew to be hers. The only other people she had seen in the place were three armed guards, and she knew they carried dart guns. They want me alive. Why? What could they possibly want from me? They haven't even asked me any questions! She never saw who was in charge and the guards never said a word, but she had come to like the silence. It seemed like noise made her jumpy, but she couldn't figure out why.
The guard made his way into the room with Kahlan and she smiled. As she walked into the room further, she stumbled and fell. As the man bent down to help her up, she pulled the gun from her hands. He wasn't expecting the move, and she relinquished him of the weapon and smashed the butt into his face in one fluid movement. As he fell to the floor, she quickly straddled his back and used the gun to choke him. "Where are we?"
"What?"
"City. State. Now, or you'll die a painful death after I rip out your throat!" She told him vehemently.
The man swallowed hard and answered her.
She thanked him, snapped his neck quickly, and let his body fall to the floor. She knew the guard down the hall would come looking for the now dead man, so she knew she had to hurry. She quickly searched him and found his cell phone. Watching the door, she prepared to send a text. Once she entered the number she glanced at the phone. Who the hell's number is that? She shook her head and deleted the number she had put in without even looking at the phone. Cussing herself for messing up, she quickly typed in Chuck's number. God, please let him have the same number! She quickly typed in a coded message.
The door flew open, and she turned away from it quickly to finish the message. She was able to press the send button before she felt the darts hit her in the back, and she smiled as she slumped to the floor.
