Chapter 29. Unwanted Fragility
Katniss raised her gun and quickly shot the remaining Peacekeeper in the head, not wanting his suffering to be prolonged, but afterwards, she didn't lower her gun. She was unsure if she would have to involve herself in Johanna and Willow's skirmish.
"Johanna!" Willow gasped quietly, closing her eyes quickly, as if accepting the fact that Johanna was going to kill her. She would never fight the older woman and refused to put her hands on her.
Johanna's grip didn't loosen at first, but when she heard Willow's voice, she moved her gaze towards the girl's face. Her eyes widened slowly as all the anger and fear vanished from her eyes and her hands fell limply off her neck. She began to shake suddenly before throwing herself off Willow to the furthest regions of the bed, wrapping her arms around her knees and hiding her face in them.
Willow fought against the need to rub her neck, not wanting to upset Johanna further. She got up on her hands and knees after a moment and crawled over to the older woman, wrapping an arm around her quietly. "It's okay... Johanna, you're okay."
Johanna, however, continued to shake and didn't move. If anything, her grip around her knees tightened. "I-I'm sorry."
"Look at how much ass you kicked, Johanna. Good job," Willow said softly, rubbing Johanna's bicep comfortingly. She refused to reply to Johanna's apology, not wanting to bring it up and upset her more.
Katniss slowly lowered her gun before quickly leaving the room to join back up with Haymitch and Gale, knowing Johanna wouldn't appreciate her staring at her vulnerability.
Johanna paused before slowly lifting her head up. Her eyes immediately went to the dead Peacekeeper at the end of the bed and she felt sick. "I'm in-insane."
"You're not. You're not," Willow reassured her before releasing her shoulders. "You're fragile. I'll get rid of them, okay?"
"S-something fragile... doesn't do what I just did."
"That's what happens when something fragile breaks."
Johanna pulled her eyes away from the corpse before looking up, directly at Willow. Willow half-smiled at her, though it didn't reach her eyes. She kissed the older woman's forehead gently, before kicking the dead body of the Peacekeeper hard off the bed and to the floor.
"I don't want to break again."
Willow pulled her legs back onto the bed after a moment, pulling them underneath her so she was sitting on her knees. She looked directly at Johanna, now eye-to-eye with her, and frowned a little. "I know. Maybe this break was necessary for you to get better, though."
Johanna bit her lips together before looking away from the girl in front of her. She shifted a little, keeping her eyes on the floor. "Y-you should check up on Hazelle, Effie, and the kids."
"I'm not leaving you," Willow said simply. "They have Haymitch, Katniss, and Gale."
"You're not scared I'm going to...?"
"No," Willow replied after a moment, wrapping an arm around Johanna comfortingly again. "You stopped when you realized it was me. I know you'd never hurt me."
Johanna immediately dropped her arms and shifted until she was on her knees. Once up, she reached forward and pulled Willow into a closer embrace, hiding her face in the younger girl's hair. She felt so guilty over what had happened, she almost wanted Willow to be mad at her. The girl had every right to be, in Johanna's mind. But Willow wasn't. She just wrapped her arms calmly around Johanna's waist, pressing her face against her shoulder and hugging her back, rubbing her back soothingly.
The battle finally died down outside after a few more, hard hours. Finnick, Cinna, and Portia were all rushed to the medical building for their wounds, though Cinna was taken to a much more intensive care unit. Peeta watched as the doctors rolled the injured designer on his stretcher down the hall, his eyes fixed and head tilted. He continued to stare for a long time after Cinna and the doctors left before looking back down at the rope in his hands.
Delly continued to sit by Peeta. She had refused to leave his side, even when the doctors had asked nicely. She couldn't and she wouldn't leave him until she was certain he would be okay without her. Even then, she'd probably have to sit with him a little while longer until she was sure she would be okay without him too.
"I wonder how many died," Peeta finally spoke up before he began to run his fingers down the rope. He had gotten a lot of his strength back since arriving at the hospital.
Delly glanced up at him from her hands fidgeting in her lap. "Died when?"
"Now. Today. Because of me."
"This wasn't because of you," Delly stated strongly. "This was because of District 13 and their nuclear weapons. We had to stop them before they bombed us again."
"It's all because of me. Ultimately because of my suicide attempt... I was an idiot, I don't even know what I was thinking."
The blond girl suddenly paused, her hands ceasing in their fidgeting. "Suicide attempt?"
"In the Games," he mumbled as he began to turn the rope over, like there might be a secret message on it, revealing what it was he couldn't seem to remember. "After Cato died."
"With the nightlock berries? Peeta, that was hardly a suicide attempt. If anything, that was Katniss's fault. Not your's. Nothing has ever been your fault."
"Katniss?" Peeta gripped the rope tightly in his hands suddenly, his shoulders starting to shake as the images from his captivity began to pop into his mind again. He tried to push them back, though they remained persistent. "I-I... She had nothing to do with anything, Delly, I don't know what you're talking about."
"She forced you to take the berries, so she could save you and herself from the Games. And she succeeded. You really don't remember?" She turned her eyes toward him and set a hand over his, comfortingly.
"How can a Mutt be in the Games?"
Delly sighed heavily, leaning her head back against the top of her chair. "Peeta, she's not a Mutt."
Peeta went quiet suddenly as he put the rope back down on his lap. He looked almost uncomfortable all of a sudden and paranoid as his eyes shot back towards the door of the room then to the window.
Delly's hand tightened slightly on Peeta's as she turned to look back at him. "What's wrong?"
"I just," he started as he abruptly grasped on to both Delly's hands in his. "D-don't die. Venia, I think her name was... she told me the same thing, before Katniss killed her. They kept trying to convince me, all of them, every one. But it's a lie and lying got them killed."
Delly paused for a moment before pulling her hands gently from Peeta's. She hesitated before reaching up and cupping his face in her hands. "Peeta, will you do something for me? I know it's impossible, but just for a moment, pretend that nothing after you got kidnapped by Panem happened, okay?"
"B-but," he stammered, staring back at her.
"No," she said softly, soothingly, looking into his eyes. "Just trust me. Just forget about it and listen to what I have to say with an open mind. You trust me, right?"
The blond man gave her a small nod as he put his hands on top of hers. "I do. You're real, I know you are. So I trust you."
Delly smiled at him softly, even as her cheeks flushed pink as he touched her hands. "Good. Because I'm going to be blunt with you and I don't want to upset you, but Panem has brainwashed you. I don't know how, I'm not much more than a soldier anymore, but they've done it. They've not only erased a lot of your memories, but they've tricked your brain into believing stuff that isn't real. Katniss is just now getting over a severe mental breakdown. She got over it so she could come and save you. She wouldn't have the strength to go to District 13 without us or kill the stylists. And she wouldn't do it anyway because that's not the type of person she is. And yes, I said person, not Mutt."
Peeta's hands slowly dropped from Delly's on his cheeks as his eyes cast down at the rope on his lap. "Brainwashed? But... but why then would Katniss do all that for me?"
Delly pulled her hands from his face and, even though her brain screamed at her not to, her heart couldn't hurt Peeta. "Because she loves you. And you love her... more than anything."
"L-love her...? I hardly..."
Delly turned her eyes back to her lap as she spoke, fidgeting again. "You don't remember, Peeta. But you've loved her since we were five years old. The Capitol removed those memories from you, but you've always loved her. She went to the Games with you and she saved you, both of you, from them. From there, your lovers routine sparked a rebellion. Panem wants to hurt her and you were the obvious person."
Peeta continued to stare at Delly, almost blankly. Nothing that she said made any sense to him. Those memories were gone from his mind and, tried as he did, he couldn't find them. "I don't..."
She didn't look up at him. She was fighting her tears at having to say these words, but she knew she had to tell him the truth. "I just... I want you to get better, Peeta. I know you don't remember now, but maybe you will. I'm just telling you the truth."
"What about you?"
She paused, blinking for a moment. She waited until she was sure her eyes were free from tears before looking back up at him. "I'm not relevant to this conversation."
"Why not? I..." He stopped himself from continuing as he looked down at the rope again. "You're the... only one who's really been by my side since I got back. I mean Finnick but..."
Delly kept her eyes trained on the side of Peeta's face. She didn't stop the tears from filling her eyes this time as she stared at the boy that she had loved for nearly as long as he had loved Katniss. With every word she spoke on this subject, she felt her heart crack a little further. "You don't... feel that way for me. You don't have eyes for anyone but her. We're just... best friends."
Peeta looked up to ask her another question but stopped when he saw her face. His eyes grew slightly wider with surprise. "You're crying."
"I'm not," she whispered almost immediately, turning her eyes from his and back to her lap, even as her shoulders shook, just once.
Peeta bit his bottom lip a little before running a hand through his hair. "I won't bring it up anymore, Delly. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she replied, a bit stiffly, but didn't look back at him. Selfishly, she wanted him to bring it up. She wanted him to love her. "I just wanted to be sure you understood the situation. I'm sure romance is the last thing on your mind, anyway."
"I-I... I guess so," Peeta mumbled as his eyes went back to the rope. He was so confused and lost as to what was going on that he began to fiddle with the rope a little.
"She... brought you that. Katniss did." Delly spoke quietly, turning her eyes back to him, almost awkwardly. "She uses it for her panic attacks. I guess she thought it would help you."
"She did?" he blinked, his hands stopping.
She nodded slightly. "She gave it to me to give to you, anyway. When you were freaking out on the hovercraft."
"Delly," he began before looking up to her, almost looking like he was close to tears again.
Delly immediately raised her eyebrows slightly in concern. "What?"
"I-I want to believe you, I do, I really do, but I can't... I can't get those images out. E-everyone dying, all because of her and him..."
She swallowed hard and nodded a little, feeling disappointed that she wasn't very good at this. She reached out again and grasped his hand. "We'll work on it, okay? It'll take a while, I'm sure. I'll... I'll get some videos of you two that you can watch. I'm afraid there's probably none of Gale except for during his own Games. And you said yourself, Mutts can't participate in the Hunger Games."
Peeta looked down at their hands before nodding. "M-maybe..."
"And... maybe, when you're ready, of course, you can talk to them. They're probably better at this than I am."
Peeta bit his lip again and said nothing else on the matter, just staring down at her fingers around his, lost in thought. Frowning a little, Delly pulled her hand away from Peeta's, thinking he was uncomfortable. Sighing at the thought of screwing everything up again, she turned her eyes back to her lap, silently. He reached out almost immediately and grasped her hand again.
She hesitated and looked back over at him, confusion twisting painfully in her chest. If he would have been well, she would yell at him for toying with her, but he wasn't. So, she didn't. Instead, she just set her hand back on the side of his bed, allowing him to entwine his fingers with hers.
"I-I'm sorry, I just..." he mumbled as he gripped her hand tightly.
"I understand," she said softly, squeezing his hand gently. "It's just... something I need to get used to. If you want me to get used to it."
"I just need someone... to help me. It's a burden but..."
Delly clenched her jaw, but she nodded. She had to push her emotions away and come at this from a professional place. She had to stop being a stupid, love struck girl and be strong for Peeta. "I already told you I would help you, Peeta. And anything with you involved isn't a burden at all."
Peeta nodded a little before leaning down, pressing his forehead against her hand. His mind and heart were racing, drowning him with all this information, new and old. It was overwhelming and exhausting as his grip on reality further compromised itself with every new thought or memory that popped into his mind.
