Fiction: Fallout 4

Summary: Maxson gives his speech… and it leaves our heroes with nothing but uncertainty for the future.

Category: Chapter 29

Disclaimer: I do not lay claim to any of the following work. While the writings themselves are my own, my character is created fully by myself, the other characters and story elements I do not own. I also do not own any of the Fallout 4 elements that are in play. Full credit goes to where it is due. Thank you. Thanks to Bethesda

-oOo-

Danse slowly puffed out his cheeks and exhaled, skimming his fingers through his dark chestnut hair and scrunching his eyebrows together in an exhausted scowl. He could hear Cade muttering under his breath, mumbling this or that about his work. Danse was doing his best to stay out of the way as the doctor did his job but… it was aggravating to be so utterly useless.

The air was thick with tension, the humidity from outside not helping the situation as it soaked through the metal barrier that was the Prydwen, drenching all within. Rain could faintly be heard plinking off the sides of the airship, a low rumble of thunder crumbling through the clouds that surrounded them.

But it was all background noise to Danse, barely noticeable. He had bigger concerns.

Ashtyn lay on the cot before them, her head lolled to the side, jaw slack. She was hooked up to several monitors that kept a running tally on her core vital signs, the alarms triggering every few seconds whenever she would dip below the programed thresholds. Each time caused his heart to lurch in his chest, his breath to hitch uncomfortably in his throat, and his pulse rate to spike to exceedingly high speeds. His palms felt damp with sweat, and no amount of rubbing them on his jeans was going to make it better.

It had been twenty-four hours. A whole day of intravenous antibiotics, of rehydration, of medical bandages and cleansing of wounds. Of frenzied terminals chirping out warnings as her blood pressure would plummet or her temperature would skyrocket. She had yet to open her eyes.

Danse hadn't been aware of just how many people cared for Ashtyn. Haylen had visited on several occasions. Brandis and Ingram stopped by during their breaks. Quinlan would poke his head in to assess her progress to recovery. Maxson questioned Cade on her condition. Jeremy and Tim were constantly missing drill practice to check on their favorite crew member, often times totting along other squires. Even Rhys peered through the doorway when he thought no one noticed.

And Cade hadn't stepped away from the Medbay for longer than an hour at a time.

Yet, there she lay. Motionless, lifeless aside from the obvious beating of her heart and the rise and fall of her chest. He couldn't help but feel like there was more he could be doing.

Danse's lips parted, "Is there anything I can d-"

Cade waved his hand. "Tate, I know you want to help but… Trust me. I know what I'm doing. You got her back in time, but I need quiet to concentrate or she won't be with us too long."

Right… you said that already. Three times now. Sorry, sir.

Little fingers grasped his pinkie, curling around it and giving a small squeeze. "I believe in Cade," came a small voice.

Danse peeked down at Shaun, the young ten year old beaming up at him, though worry and fright were still evident in his bright blue eyes. Danse tried to give a reassuring nod. He felt that it didn't hold the confidence he wanted it to. Fuck… He shouldn't be seeing this, not right now. "Why don't we let mom rest, okay? We can come back later."

Shaun nodded obediently and allowed Danse to tug him into the corridor, following the once-soldier towards the Mess Hall where dinner was being served. With every step Danse took, however, the pit in his stomach grew larger and heavier. I'm not abandoning her… she's in good hands…

At least, that's what he kept telling himself.

As the duo neared the Hall, Danse paused, crouched down to Shaun's level and met his gaze. "Okay, you remember what we talked about?"

Shaun blinked in understanding. "No one can know what we are."

We. Not 'me'. But 'we', 'us'. Because we are the same. We are both abominations. But… Danse looked at the child once more, truly seeing him. Perhaps the Brotherhood isn't right about everything.

"Outstanding. Alright, let's go," and he stood, taking Shaun's hand in his own once more and entered the cafeteria.

-oOo-

Breathing… Breathing was harder than I remembered it being. It felt like I was working around a brick wall, as if an elephant was comfortably perched on my chest, too content to move. And when I worked to remove the pressure, the exertion left me used, spent, worn out. My heart rate would gallop into overdrive, my head would spin, my stomach would heave…

And then there would be nothing again… I would be left to float in the abyss once more.

The abyss was lonely, and exhausting for other reasons. I felt trapped… as if my life was hanging in the balance, teetering on the edge of 'sure, you can wake up' and 'shit, nah, sleep forever'. And even though the elephant brought me nothing but tireless effort… I was beginning to think I preferred it over the darkness.

At least the effort made me aware that I was alive. That I had a chance.

The abyss… the abyss played cruel games.

Every once in a while, I could hear muffled voices, the hum of a generator. I could feel the breeze of a fan above me, gentle fingers prodding at my wrists and neck. Sometimes I would feel a sting, the sensation similar to if I had been bit by a particularity aggressive mosquito.

Funny, I didn't think there are mosquitos underwater.

Am I still underwater?

Where am I?

I wasn't sure… and last I checked, I wasn't really in a position to ask any questions. I wasn't even one hundred percent certain I could find my mouth, let alone use it.

All I was positive about was that I hurt. Something hurt beyond words. It would go away when the abyss took me, only to return when the elephant wanted to sit once more. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was causing me so much agony, I was only acutely aware of its presence. Of the burning, scorching, pounding, excruciating pain I was in. And I couldn't fix it. Not on my own.

I would just have to trust those around me, whoever they were. I didn't have any options.

I was option-less. In every sense of the word.

Which also meant I was vulnerable.

Please, whoever you are… Please, don't kill me.

-oOo-

"Can you tell me about her?"

Danse rubbed his eyes, hoping the action would remove the sheer fatigue from his conscious. It didn't. "What do you want to know?"

It was early the next morning. Cade had stepped out of the Bay to catch some sleep, leaving Ashtyn in Danse's… Tate's… watch until he returned. Of course, Shaun wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to see his mother, even if she couldn't respond to anything he said. That also meant that Danse and Shaun were figuratively attached at the hip and had been since their return to the Prydwen.

Shaun fidgeted in his metal folding chair, leaning forward to peer at Ash's body. Her color was returning, her cheeks pink, breaths more even. The monitors had yet to scream out an alert. "Do you… Do you think she looks like me?"

Danse arched a brow. "Why would you ask that? She's your mother, she looks like you."

Those blue eyes fixated onto him, the same hue of blue that Ashtyn's held. "I just… Well… Because I'm a…" he whispered the next word, "synth…" before retuning back to his normal tone, "I was worried that maybe… maybe they changed me." His voice broke near the end, his head bowed down to conceal his face, muffling his words.

Oh… Danse hadn't considered that. Wow. For a child to wonder such a thing… He heart went out to the boy. No child should ever have to question whether or not they belong to their parents. Ever. "I don't think they changed anything, Shaun. You have her eyes and her smile. And your nose does the same crinkly thing hers does when you laugh. And I've been told you have your dad's hair and jaw. You may be a synth, but you are her son. And I'm sure she loves you."

"She doesn't know me… Not really." Shaun continued, interlocking his fingers in his lap, cheeks dampening as a stray tear or two trickled from his eyes. "I… I don't even know if she'll be happy to see me when she wakes up… What if she doesn't want me?" His shoulders shuddered, sobs threatening to overtake him.

How long have you been worried about this?

Danse stood, crossing the span of space between them to squat in front of the boy, taking both of his hands in his own. He wasn't good at this. He had never been good at this. But he needed to be. Ashtyn wasn't there to comfort her child. She couldn't be. So he would for her. He wasn't Shaun's dad, he was so far from it. He couldn't even begin to replace Nate… but he could be what Shaun needed in this moment. "Look at me."

Shaun raised his head in the slightest, meeting Danse's gaze under his thick eye lashes.

"Your mother loves you. I know it. She's loved you this entire time. She wouldn't have crossed the entire Commonwealth to find you if that wasn't the case. What you are isn't going to change that. I promise. You mean the whole wide world to her. She is going to be so excited to see you."

Shaun slid out of his chair and latched onto Danse, curling his little arms around his neck, body trembling.

He's only ten… and he's been through more than most grown men have.

"It's going to be okay."

Danse wasn't sure he entirely meant it but… he tried to, for Shaun's sake.

"Thank you," Shaun whispered. "For everything."

"You're welcome, bud. And thank you for saving her."

-oOo-

As the time ticked by… I was beginning to realize that the most frustrating part about my current state of being wasn't the elephant or the abyss. No… the worst part was something so much more gut wrenching.

See, the fog was dispersing a bit. I knew it was a stethoscope pressing against my chest and stomach, knew the tone of the heart monitor when it would flare angrily at whoever was watching, knew that I was feeling a needle bite into my skin, not a mosquito. I knew what Cade wanted me to do. "Squeeze my fingers, move your toes, take a deep breath, say something." I knew he would open my eyes and shine a blinding light in them, offering me a brief glimpse of the world around me only to slam me back to my own personal hell hole once more when he was finished with his assessment.

And I could hear them.

I could hear every one of them.

I could hear Haylen when she would tinker with the machines positioned above my head. I could hear Maxson's questions, hear Cade's answers. I was improving, I was getting better, blah, blah, blah.

I heard Ingram tell me how she was going to beat me senseless if I didn't wake up. Heard Jeremy and Tim go on and on about the little adventures they were having and how I was missing out, and how I should hurry and snap out of it so I could join them. I heard the quiver in their voices as they barely kept their emotions in check.

I heard Danse, felt his hand on my own, thumb skimming over my palm, heard the strain in his voice as he spoke, pitched so low only the two of us could hear. He took the blame for everything, pleaded for forgiveness.

I could hear my son, his voice childish and adorable. Hear his laughter when Cade would tell him a joke to try and lighten the mood. Heard him cry when I wouldn't outright respond to the treatment, his sobs tearing at my heart strings, ripping whatever sanity I gingerly grasped into shreds.

And, the best part? The cherry on top?

I couldn't reply to any of them.

I couldn't say a single fucking word or twitch a single fucking finger to let them know I was listening.

All I could do was lie there.

I thought it had been hell waking up in this apoco-shit-tastic-fuckfest. I thought it had been hell when I realized the Institute took my son. I thought it had been hell when I learned of Kellog and put a bullet in his god damn head. I thought it had been hell when I was ordered to shoot Danse, the man I loved with every fiber of my being even though I didn't want to admit it. I thought it had been hell when I had to stare at my real son and tell him I couldn't support his ideals…

But no… All of that paled in comparison to what I was feeling now.

Not being able to comfort the ones I loved, to let them know I could hear them.

Fuck.

This was so much worse.

I had to wake up…

I have to.

Did I have an on switch? Where was it? How could I flip it?

Just WAKE UP!

-oOo-

"Her white blood cell count is back to normal, her H&H numbers are in an acceptable range thanks to the blood transfusion from Haylen. Her wounds are healing surprisingly well. As far as general health goes… hell, she's healthier than most of the people on this ship," Cade admitted, gloved hands gripping the side of Ashtyn's cart.

"So why hasn't she woken up?" Danse hedged from his position against the perimeter wall of the bay, arms crossed.

"Well… She does have a head injury." Cade gently rotated her head to the side to gesture to the gauzed bandage that covered the back of Ash's skull. "I have no idea how much internal damage it has caused. As far as we know, she could be…" the doctor's eyes flicked to Shaun for a brief second, choosing his words carefully. "Not doing so well. Mentally."

Shaun's gaze moved to Danse, a question in his irises.

"The good doctor means that he isn't sure if she is aware of what's going on," Danse tried, kneeling down.

"So mom may never…?"

Cade's features melted into alarm. "No, no. I didn't…" He bit the inside of his cheek. "Your mother will wake up. It's possible that she just needs some more time so her body can finish making repairs."

"How much longer?" Shaun pivoted towards Cade. His shirt was a size too big, giving his already slender frame a tinier appearance. He looked weak, feeble… so helpless. Danse reached out to rest his hand on the child's shoulder. It hadn't been long, just a few short days… but this boy already meant so much to him. I'll do what I can to protect you.

Cade's attention moved to the monitors. "A day or two? Maybe three? It's only been thirty-six hours since we started treatment. She's come a long way and she's tough. She'll pull through."

"Right," Danse added. "Your mother has managed to survive a lot worse than this."

"Like the mirelurk queen at the Castle?" Shaun asked, eyes brightening by a fraction as he peered up at him.

Danse smiled warmly. "Yes, like at the Castle." To fill the time, and to keep Shaun's mind busy, Danse had told him stories of Ash and his adventures across the Commonwealth. Course, he was careful of which he told… some only Danse would know, not Tate.

Shaun grinned. Good. That was the right reaction, that's the face a ten year old should have.

"Why don't you go play with Tim for a bit?" Danse suggested. "Come back later?"

Shaun hesitated but gave a slow nod. "Sure. Promise you'll come find me if anything happens?"

"Sir, yes, sir," Danse mock saluted.

The boy's figure disappeared around the corner, footsteps echoing back at them.

"Were you lying?" Danse said when he knew Shaun was out of earshot.

Cade sighed. "Not exactly… She should wake up. I just don't know when. She is improving every day. Now we are playing the waiting game. Hell, she could wake up any second… or hours…. I don't know." He removed his gloves and started for the other side of the room.

Danse stood beside her cot, clutching her hand in his, gaze trained on her face.

"You obviously care for her," Cade started.

"I do."

"Glad to see you finally admit it."

Danse froze. "What?"

Cade's back was to him as he washed his hands at the sink. "You were always smitten with her. Even when she first arrived."

Swallowing hard, Danse looked over his shoulder at the doctor, pulse starting to bound, pounding out an unsteady beat in his ears. First arrived… That means… "You know."

Cade met his gaze then. "Course I do, Danse. Never forget my patients."

Danse scanned his surroundings. Did he need an escape plan? A weapon? Could he risk leaving Ash? Would she be punished? What if-

"Hey, calm down." Cade raised his hands, palms up to show he didn't have anything. "I'm not going to go and bust your secret. Paladin Jones and Haylen aren't the only ones who didn't agree with Maxson's order. When I saw you with the Minutemen… I barely recognized you with the bandana, sunglasses, and hat. But I saw you here with Jones. I don't think you knew I was there. But you took off your disguise… I recognized you instantly. Might want to be more careful about that."

Shit... had it been anyone else. "Guess I got lucky that it was you then."

"You were. But, we can catch up another time." Cade took off his white lab coat, resting it on a hook near the door. "You got her for a few hours? Ah, who am I kidding? You got her." Just as matter of fact as always.

"Hey, wait. Cade?"

The Proctor stuck his head back through the threshold.

"Thank you."

"Any time… Paladin." And then he was gone, closing the door firmly shut behind him.

Danse turned to Ash once more, pulling a chair up to take a seat. How many hours had he spent in this room during the past two days? He had lost track…

His finger traced along her jawline, her skin losing the purplish tinge it had held the day before. Her wounds no longer bled, she was healing.

"I can't lose you, I hope you know that," he said, leaning forward until his head was resting against her side. She smelled of antiseptic and tape, lacking the spiced honey scent he had come to love so much. But still, being this close…. It was better than nothing. It was better than never being near her ever again.

"I'm still not sure what love is… or what it means to be in love with someone," he confessed, gliding his fingertips down her arm to her hand. "But I do know that this world means nothing to me if you aren't in it. And I know you love me. For whatever reason." His voice was barely audible amidst the groan of the generators and machines. "I will do whatever I can to be the man you see. But I need you to open your eyes."

His own closed for a brief moment, mind reeling back to the Taffington Boathouse. He remembered her curled up in the sheets, head nestled into the crook of his neck, her breath dancing across his skin. Her slender little fingers were clutching his shirt, anchoring him to her. She would sigh in contentment, drifting off to sleep in a matter of seconds. The soft sound of water lapping against the shore the only thing to listen to. It had been so relaxing… He would do anything to have that back.

Then Shaun flickered into focus. His boyish face grinning up at Danse as he told the child stories. The way he muttered in his sleep just like his mother. The sheer look of determination on his face when they returned to the Prydwen declaring that he would help in any way he could. "I'm not the only one who needs you. Shaun… Ash, he's a smart kid. He did an outstanding job watching over you before we got there. And he adores you. I know he isn't what you expected, but I know he will make you happy. I guess that also means we will have to renovate that second bedroom then, doesn't it?"

He lifted his head from the cot, gaze focusing on her face once more. Her eye lids would flutter every now and then. She was trying. She had been all morning. Sometimes her finger would twitch, her breathing rate would change… little things but they were noticeable.

You're so close… Just a little longer.

"You'll wake up when you're ready. I know it."

-oOo-

"I know it."

Well, I don't.

If I could… why hadn't I? If everyone was so freaking certain that I was going to snap out of this, then why was I still laying here like a lump?

I felt fine. I felt almost better than fine. This was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I felt rested, healthy, fan-fucking-tastic. So why did it feel like my eye lids weighed three thousand pounds, that my fingers felt like they were welded to the cot?

Danse's hand enclosed around mine, his lips pressed against my knuckles. His heard tickled but I couldn't laugh like I wanted to. Couldn't return the gesture.

Fuck this was infuriating.

"What color should we paint the walls for Shaun's room?" he said, filling the silence for me. "I don't know what his favorite color is, haven't gotten around to asking." I could hear his voice catch, the lump from in this throat.

Oh Danse, don't cry… It's going to be okay.

"Do you think he'll like me? Ash, the kid is worried that you won't be thrilled to see him when you wake up. But we both know you will be. But… It made me think. I'm not really his father. Nate is. Or… was." He exhaled. "I don't know the first thing about being a dad. And… it dawned on me too… Well, if you… if you don't wake up, who is Shaun going to have? Me?" He scoffed sounding bitter with himself. "I'm just a machine who had fabricated memories of being an orphan, abandoned by my own parents. I don't know if that was real or fake but, regardless, what do I know about being a father?"

He sounded so much like Nate when we learned that we were expecting Shaun. You're going to make a wonderful father. I had told Nate that. And Danse needed to hear the words too. If only I could say them. If only my lips would do as my mind commanded them to. If only I could just wake up from this hell hole.

Danse sniffled, shifting his weight in the chair. "I can't… Steel, please wake up."

I'm trying.

If I could just…

I focused on my fingers, on the way it felt for his hand to be on mine. It was warm, caring, even as it trembled. I concentrated on that sensation, let it ground me.

How did his stupid training session go when we first met? Visualize what I wanted to happen? Some bull shit… but it had worked with the bottles, right? Picture the bullet pulverizing the glass into nothing but shards… Pretty easy concept.

So, could it work here too?

I could see my hand holding his, feel the heat of his palm against mine, the callouses on his hand scratching against my skin.

I remembered the way he smiled the first time I reached for his hand, the way his cheeks flushed, his eyes shimmered. The way he cleared his throat and tried not to look too overly embarrassed. The way he glanced down to reassure himself he wasn't dreaming. The way he had gasped in the slightest, shocked by the touch and…

No wait… That… I had heard that. Just now.

"By Steel…" he whispered. His grip tightened, the shakiness banished. "Ash? Can you hear me?"

Yes. I gave a gentle squeeze with my point finger and thumb, all I could manage.

But it was enough. "Holy hell… Shit. Okay… Uh… Can you feel?"

Another squeeze.

"Okay… What do I do? Cade… I have to get Cade. Ashtyn, I'll be right back."

And he was gone… footsteps slamming against the metal grating as he ducked out of the MedBay.

But he wasn't gone long. Within a matter of minutes, there was a rush of commotion. Cade's voice was the clearest, "Tate, get me that vial over there that reads Narcan. Shaun, son, you can stand on the left but I need space to work."

I could hear little footsteps pattering around to the other side of my cot, clammy hands gripping at my wrist. "Mom? Mom can you squeeze my fingers too? Tate said you did it to him."

I did and I heard his sharp intake of breath.

"She squeezed them! She squeezed them!"

"What is that going to do to her?" that was Haylen, located by the door.

"I was so foolish," Cade muttered. I heard the cap of a needle being pulled off. "I've had her sedated so she wouldn't be in pain. I thought I was doing a good thing but…"

"You were," Danse reassured. "You let her body heal."

"But what's it going to do?" Ingram pestered, her heavily armored feet tapping against the flooring as she repositioned herself to get a better view.

"It's going to wake her up." His finger flicked against the side of the syringe, tapping the air bubbles out. "But it's not going to be pleasant and I'm sorry about that Jones. This is going to hurt. This drug undoes all the sedatives, all the narcotics I have her on… which means she is going to be fully aware of just how much of a battering her body has taken."

"But she'll open her eyes?" Shaun hedged.

"Yes. She should."

Something wet brushed against the skin on my bicep.

"Tate, Haylen? Grab her hands for me. She might try to jerk once the med hits her system."

I felt them move to my sides as instructed.

I was going to wake up… I was finally going to wake up.

"This is going to sting."

That's okay.

I felt the needle prick, felt the rush of medicine being instilled into my arm.

And then… then I felt everything.

I gritted my teeth as every single one of my muscles tightened as if being pulled by a rubber band, as searing white hot pain seared my flesh. My head pounded, my heart raced.

"Hold her steady."

"I'm so sorry Ash."

It's okay… It's going to be okay.

A cold sweat broke out across my face, the monitors fired into overdrive.

"They will return to normal. Let it pass."

My breath came out in jarred pants, my fingers gripped the hands that held them in a vice. My lips parted but no words came out. No, I was in too much agony for that.

"This will pass," Cade said.

"We are here with you, mom."

Thank you, honey. I'm so proud of you.

"How long?"

Please, not too much longer.

"Any moment now."

As if on cue, the pain started to subside. It was still present but it wasn't as raw. It washed over me, embedded itself into my core… but it wasn't the only thing I was aware of.

I felt Danse's strong hand, Haylen's soft gloved one. I felt Shaun's fingers on my wrist.

I heard Ingram as she walked closer to the cot.

Listened as the monitors quieted.

Then there was silence.

"Jones, open your eyes for us."

And I did.