I wake up shivering without an embrace. I turn over and lazily open my eyes as I notice that Christian is gone. I sit up quickly and look at my surroundings; he's nowhere to be found. I then faintly hear a sad melody coming from downstairs and breathe a sigh of relief. I notice a large, white t-shirt lying a chair and slowly slip it on.
I walk downstairs and see Christian quietly playing the piano and looks lost within the music. I carefully walk onto the foyer and watch him play. The music sounds melancholy and it tugs at my heart. Everything he plays is always so sad and I can't help but wonder if it's because of our last interaction. Why was he so forceful with wanting to sleep with me? We've slept in the same bed before but this time, it was almost as if he wanted to get away. I can't help but feel if something's wrong.
Maybe it's just the situation, my subconscious remarks. Could it really be that serious? I feel as if I should know.
Soon, Christian stops playing and I carefully walk his way. He looks up and catches my gaze.
"Hi", I say sweetly.
"Hello, Miss Steele. I hope I didn't wake you", he responds.
"I just woke up and you weren't there."
"I couldn't sleep."
"Are you okay?"
"Nothing that concerns you", he says as he gazes back down to the keys and starts to play again.
"Can I sit?", I ask carefully. He nods and I do. I gently rest my head on his shoulder and listen to the melody intently. It's sad but beautiful.
"What is this?"
"Chopin. Opus 28, number four. In E minor, if that interests you."
"Everything you do interests me."
"Is that so, Miss Steele?", he smirks.
"Always, Mr. Grey." He chuckles softly.
"Is this the only music you play? It just sounds so sad."
"It suits me."
"Why?"
"I just prefer it", he says and I can tell that's all he wants to say.
"Okay", I respond quietly.
"You should be asleep", he says after a while and I contemplate rolling my eyes at him.
"I missed you", I confess.
"You need your sleep."
"Why is that so important to you?", I scold as I sit up.
"Everything you do is important to me."
"But why feel the need to order me around?" He stops playing and stares at me intently.
"Anastasia, just do as you're told. I'm not used to having a Submissive argue with me."
"Well, then I'm sorry I'm not satisfactory enough for you", I shout louder than I intend and stand up before walking off. I hear Christian do the same and follow me to the staircase.
"Anastasia, you're more than what I've ever wanted and I can't understand why you don't feel that way."
"Then why do you want to punish me?", I remark and I twirl around to meet him face-to-face.
"It's to please me. I've told you this…"
"But why do you want to do anything to me at all, Christian?" As I say this, he's momentarily speechless.
"Tell me", I press him.
"If I told you, you'd never look at me the same way again." I gasp in response.
"So there is a reason?", I ask but he avoids my gaze. "Tell me."
"Anastasia, I don't want to talk about this right now."
"You never want to talk, Christian. I have to keep pushing and pushing just to get one answer out of you and all you want to do is have sex with me. Why is that more important than talking?"
"I'm not used to talking about these things with anyone and I've told you more than I've ever told anyone in my life, including Elena."
"Did she ever have to pressure you like this?"
"No, but she understood how I felt."
"Must be a real saint, then", I say dispassionately.
"Anastasia, that's enough."
"I'm just trying to understand you but you keep shutting me out. We should be talking."
"Like normal people?"
"Yeah. Is that so wrong?", I ask as I go to touch his cheek but he stops me before I can. He exasperatedly runs his hands through his hair and tries to control his temper.
"Is this because of the contract? Because I still haven't signed it?" He finally looks at me before answering.
"Fuck the contract", he responds and I can tell he's mad, really mad.
"Do you wanna punish me right now?"
"Yes."
"Why do you need to? Why do I always have to be punished by you?"
"Because it's the way I am!", he yells and I step a few feet back.
"Your fifty shades?", I ask timidly. He looks down but doesn't answer.
With that in-mind, I run upstairs to the Red Room and Christian follows close behind. I swing open the door just as he catches up. I turn around to face him and take a deep breath.
"Show me then", I demand and for a moment he doesn't know what I mean.
"I want you to punish me. Show me how far it can go."
"Ana…"
"Just do it. It's the only way I can understand."
Christian stares at me as if he can't believe what I'm saying, but ultimately he walks behind me and pulls a belt from a hook on the wall.
"Are you sure about this?", he asks cautiously and I nod.
"Lift your arms", he orders and I slowly do as I'm told. He lifts my shirt above my head and tosses it on the floor.
"Bend over the table", he demands and points at it with his chin. I walk over and comply. "Hold the sides and spread your legs", he orders and I obey.
"I'm gonna hit you six times and you're going to count with me", he instructs and I'm panting heavily as I wait for the first blow. Soon, I feel the belt hit my backside and I cry out at the strike.
"Count, Anastasia."
"One", I respond shakily. He then hits me again, this time a little harder.
"Two."
He hits me again, slightly harder than before.
"Three."
He hits me as the belt bites at my skin.
"Four."
I cry out as the pain evolves across my skin.
"Five", Finally, he hits me one more time and I'm broken by his punishment.
"Six", I whisper as my tears burn across my cheek. Christian drops the belt and starts to help me up.
"No, don't fucking touch me", I shout as I push him away.
"You like seeing me like this? This is what gives you pleasure?", I whimper as I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.
"Ana…", he says as he tries to walk towards me but I stop him by placing my hand on his chest. I cover my chest with my arms and step back.
"I should've known this wouldn't work. You need to get your shit together, Grey. I'm not the one you want." He stares at me as if he doesn't believe what I've said.
Before he can answer, I turn on my heel and walk out. I close the door behind me and slowly sink to the floor. I wince at the pain before I rest my head on my knees and let the tears fall. I soon hear the door open but can't bring myself to care.
"Anastasia", Christian says gently as he reaches down to touch me.
"Don't", I remark and quickly stand as I head for my room. The pain intensifies but I don't fucking care. I slam the door and carefully climb into my bed and wrap myself with a sheet.
This was the wake-up call I needed and now I feel ashamed. I really am not what he wants and I think that's what hurts me the most. Why did I ever let things go this far when I should've run away the first chance I got?
I sob harder into my pillow as I think about our times together; Charlie Tango; the Red Room; gliding; my first night. It all feels like a distant memory and I wish I could revisit them again. Anything to take away the pain.
Will I ever see him again after this? Is it too late to try again? In my heart, I know we can't but I just can't convince myself to leave him for good. I'm so confused right now and I wish I knew what to do. For now, I hug my pillow tighter and do my best to forget my Fifty Shades.
Some time passes and my throat hurts from all the crying. I sniff as I try to sit up but the pain is still there. Soon, I hear my doorknob turning and my heart stops. I feel paralyzed by his presence here and hold myself as he comes and sits beside me.
"Please look at me", he gently orders. I look out the window as I feel his weight shift on the bed. He gently holds me in his arms and kisses my hair.
"Please don't hate me", he whispers. We sit there for a while and I carefully start to turn on the bed so I can face him. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe slowly. Even now I long for his touch.
"I'm sorry", I whisper and he looks at me as if he doesn't know what I mean.
"For what?", he inquires.
"What I said."
"Everything you said was true, Anastasia. You didn't tell me anything I didn't already know."
"I know I'm not the one for you. I can't give you everything you need."
"No, you give me exactly what I need."
"But I can't let you do that to me again. I never knew things would go this far." He kisses the top of my head and wipes away a few tears.
"I'm sorry I hurt you", he says and his eyes soften.
"I asked for it but…I'm wondering if it was worth it for you." He's silent for a few moments before answering.
"No", he says finally and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"I've fallen in love with you, Christian", I whisper. His eyes widen as if he's in fear.
"Ana, you can't love me."
"Why?"
"Because of what I did to you. Look at you. I can't make you happy."
"But you do make me happy."
"Not at the moment, not doing what I want to do."
"We'll never get past that, will we?", I ask but I'm afraid I already know the answer. Soon, I make up my mind and climb off the bed. I start to gather my things together and suddenly Christian looks panicked.
"Ana, don't", he remarks as he rises off the bed.
"Christian, I can't stay. There's no point."
"No, don't go."
"Christian, please." I take a deep steadying breath as I try to contain myself.
"I can't give you what you want. I wasn't lying when I said this wouldn't work, and I think it's best if we both go our separate ways. You need to find someone that obeys you and I'm sorry that it's not me." I put my hand over my mouth as I struggle with the words. "I just…I can't do this."
I look up into his eyes and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know this is what we need. He looks at me warily and gently cups my face.
"I don't want you to go", he says quietly.
"I don't want to go either", I confess. "Thank you for giving me more." I reach up and softly kiss his cheek.
"I need you to leave. Please." He regards me for a moment but ultimately, he releases me and exits the room.
A few minutes go by and I finally make my way down. I look around the great room one last time and Christian is nowhere to be seen. I set my suitcase by the elevator and go to set my gifts from him on a nearby table. I glance at Christian's office and gather the courage to go see if he's there. I timidly knock on the door and he calls out for me to come in.
I see him sitting by his desk but he looks up when I enter. He immediately stands and strides over to me carefully.
"Can Taylor drive you home?", he inquires.
"I prefer to drive alone."
"Ana…"
"Christian, I don't want to argue", I remark as I remember our argument from earlier. He reaches out to touch me but I move away before he can.
"I hope you find exactly what you're looking for", I say before reaching up to kiss him one last time. He deepens the kiss as if begging for me to stay. After a few moments, he pulls away and I'm left longing for more. I give him a final kiss and head for the elevators. He follows behind me and I quickly turn around.
"Stop", I order but he doesn't listen.
"Red", I yell and he stops in his tracks. I grab my suitcase and head into the elevator. I press a button as I try to fight back my tears.
"Ana", Christian says and he looks too broken for me to bear. It reflects too well how I feel inside.
"Christian", I respond and the doors close, leaving our words hanging in the air. I ride down to the first floor and I feel my heart dropping as well.
What have I done?
