Naruto; What If
Fourth Arc; Road Trip!
My standard form of writing applies.
" " - Spoken
' ' - Thought
"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.
( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Chapter 29 - Road Trip! Part 2
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WAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!
10,000 VIEWS! YESSAH!
~~Badadumdunbum~~
We gethered our possessions and left, Jiraiya dropping the girl in our room with a note tucked between her breasts. On our way out the door, Jiraiya caught up with us and gave me a hard stare that practically screamed You WILL tell me what I want to know.
I happily stuck my tongue out at him. Heheh.
He'd sealed Kisame's body into a scroll for study at a later date, probably so he might learn a little more about Akatsuki. On our way down the road, Naruto grilled me about why, and how, my brother the mass-murderering traitor, was on our side.
"What the fuck? Just what the fucking fuck?" He still had Samehada with him. The giant sword had followed Naruto like a lost puppy, so he'd slung the thing over his shoulder, grumbling at the extra weight.
"The entire thing was a set-up. He was ordered to slaughter every Uchiha to prevent a civil war, and then flee the village as a missing-nin. From then on, he joined Akatsuki to keep tabs on them. His orders for today were to kidnap you, so as to remove the demon within you. I had a nice chat with him, and he decided to help us more openly. With his partner dead, he will have much more leeway in how he spends his time." I summed all that up, wrapping it in a pretty pink bow just for them.
"...How did you find out he was under orders?" The old pervert sniped, pointing out the great gaping hole in my story.
"Very fucking carefully. There's a helluva lotta things people hide amongst tax forms, y'know. And I know my brother; if there is one trait he is an avatar of, it is loyalty. If not that, then discipline. He would never betray the village he loved so dearly, not even if he lost all reason."
"I expect to hear a damned good explanation later." I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, pervert. So when are you going to get down to training us?" Naruto perked up, flashing a hopeful look at the white-haired old man.
Jiraiya sighed, looking between the two of us. "You're both as bad as Minato was, way back when."
Naruto and I shared a look, thinking the same exact thing. 'And this guy's as lazy and perverted as he was thirty years ago.'
~~Badadumdunbum~~
A good two hours later, we were in a different town; one with a festival going on. Heh, kinda reminds me of-
Of... Aw, fuckit. Can't remember now.
"SWEET! And here I brought gama-chan just in case!" Naruto had out his treasured frog wallet, gently caressing his cheek with it. Heh, wierdo. But he's my wierdo, so I suppose that's guilt by association.
"Naruto! Don't you know about the three vices? Here, let me hold onto that for you." The old perv was reaching to take Naruto's wallet when I quickly intervened, stomping the old man's toes.
"YEEOWCH! What the hell?!" He glowered at me, hopping on his good foot, cradling his injured one.
"Serves you right, ya cheapskating perv. I catch you trying to steal Naruto's money again, and I'll stomp you where it'll really hurt. And if I don't catch it in time, I'll tell Tsunade. Now sod off, we'll come find you in an hour or two." I started off, still disgusted by that old prick wanting to steal a kid's money; worse, his own godchild's! And the perv is filthy rich! I'd've kicked his balls in for that shit!
Naruto shrugged, eyeing the hopping Sannin with disfavor, following behind me, shaking his head. The old sage grumbled and went off on his own, to get drunk and laid.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Still can't believe the nerve of that whoreson piece of shit." My throw was a tad harder than intended, punching clean through the foam target and hitting the wall on the other side of the booth.
Naruto shook his head, pulling back and matching my throw, right through the same hole. "How'd you know he was trying to take my money, anyway?"
I picked up my next shot. "From the perverted gleam in his eye when he stared at your wallet. He was probably going to spend it on a hooker, or ten. Now he'll have to spend his own damn money, the cheapskate."
"Huh. Maybe he doesn't have much." Naruto's next round was as good as the first, matching my score.
"Bullshit. He's a Sannin, and the author of those Icha Icha novels you see everywhere. Whenever someone buys one of those books, or goes to see one of the movies, he gets royalties from 'em. The guy's raking in the cash, probably got more money than he knows what to do with, he's just real cheap with it. Anytime he can get away with it, he'll avoid spending however he can."
"Huh. Wonder why?" I overshot again, punching a hole through the target and making a crack in the wood behind it.
"Dunno. Maybe he just likes rolling around in the stuff." He matched my throw again, and we both turned to face the cowering booth attendant.
"Yo, we'd like our prizes, please."
He held up a trembling hand, pointing to several giant stuffed animals hanigng from hooks on the boot wall. "Take 'em! J-just don't come back! Please!"
Well, when you put it that way...
~~Badadumdunbum~~
[Cue music; One Hundred and Ten Percent(110%) by Skindred, Union Black]
After an hour and forty minutes of dicking around and having fun, we made our way to the local high-class bar, just after Naruto picked up some fried squid on a stick.
Stepping through the flaps, we found Jiraiya lazing on a couch, a beautiful, buxom woman young enough to be his (Grand)daughter on each arm. He was guffawing nice and loud, the girls giggling behind their hands, offering to refill his cup with sultry voices.
"Yo, hentai-sennin! Are you done spreading your herpes around, yet? Quit dicking around, it's time to get to our training. And come on, why can't you find a woman closer to your own age? Those girls are young enough to be your own children, for Jashin's sake." The old man glared at me, those buxom beauties recoilling from him just as Naruto turned to stare at me with a puzzled expression.
"Huh? Who're you to talk, Sasuke? You've been screwing around with Anko, and she's twice our age!"
What.
The.
Fuck?!
Blinking back my sudden urge to facepalm, I stared at the blonde knucklehead.
"...And just when, nay, HOW did you figure this out?" I could feel my eye twitching involuntarily as Jiraiya giggled to himself, pulling out a notepad and pen.
"Me and Hina-chan came by your house when you didn't show up for our schedualed training session the other day, and you didn't answer when I knocked. Hina-chan peeked inside with her byakugan and said you and Anko were- Well she didn't say, but her face turned bright red so I assumed it was something perverted, and she suggested we not disturb the two of you. Then she asked if I wanted to go back home for awhile." He shrugged, as I heard a scribbling noise from the general direction of Jiraiya.
So that's what those sounds were that morning. Whoops. I had been, ah, a bit preoccupied at that point in time, and Anko was in no condition to notice it. She'd banged her noggin against the headboard one too many times over the course of that night.(Which, of course, flowed into the next day)
"And why is it you failed to mention this until just now?"
He shrugged. "That's not something I can bring up in normal conversation, though. It's not like I care about what you two do, it's just that you shouldn't use that arguement when you're sleeping with someone twice your own age."
Holy shit. I just got lectured, by Naruto of all people. Wow. I'm shocked.
"Naruto, next time, could you lecture me about my hypocritical ways AFTER I've guilt-tripped the pervert? Please?" He shrugged again, which I took for a yes. Good enough.
Though we were both brought out of our little tiff by the sound of a grown man giggling. I loked over at Jiraiya, who was grinning like mad, scribbling something down on that notepad of his.
He put away that pad, taking up his cup of sake, that stupid grin stretching from ear-to-ear. "Yes! The next volume of Icha Icha will be my greatest work yet! I can see it now; forbidden love between teacher and student!" Why I outta...
Suddenly, I heard footsteps just outside the booth. Perfect timing.
Chakra flaring, I kicked the table between us out of the way, dashing right up the old perv and swiping the cup out of his hand and over my shoulder.
"Enough games, you overgrown punk! We aren't going to find your girlfriend by waiting on you to finish swinging your wrinkled old dick around!" I was rightly annoyed, not only because of his womanizing ways, but for the way he'd've stolen from a kid; not to mention him preaching about the three vices with a hooker on each arm, a drink in each hand.
The girls had finally gotten up and away from Jiraiya, much to his chagrin. I think I just completely ruined any chance of him getting laid tonight.(Well, that along with the herpes remark)
Before either of us could retaliate or respond, there was a shout.
"HEY YOU BRAT!"
I could feel my vision changing, my annoyance pulsing chakra through my eyes as I turned to glare at the idiots. "...What?" The bald guy was the loudmouth, but he was fine. His buddy, however-
Had an empty sake cup on his head, and the entire front of his expensive suit jacket was soaked. Heheh, good look for him.
"YOU'VE RUINED AKOKI'S DESIGNER SUIT! YOU DAMN WELL BETTER PAY FOR IT!100,000!" I blinked.
Eh? "...So that's a hundred thousand ryo suit? Huh. Think you outta get your money back, bud." I drily commented, earning a chuckle from Naruto.
"UUOOOH! YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH, BRAT! AKOKI IS A FORMER CHUUNIN OF THE STONE VILLAGE, AN INCREDIBLY SKILLED NINJA!" Eesh, guy never knows how to shut his mouth. Heh, kinda reminds me of a few sluts I once knew. And-
A former chuunin? Of Iwagakure?
"Heheh, so he's the same as those punk-ass bitches we knocked around in the Chuunin exams? Well, tell me, mister Akoki; are the shinobi of Stone Village named for the stones in their heads? Or for their getting stoned on sake whenever they've half a chance?"
The big-name bitch spoke for the first, and last, time. "You- You- I'LL KILL YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He dashed forward, a kunai appearing in his hand. He was aiming for my neck, intent on tearing my head off.
With all the sluggish indifference of Kakashi browsing his beloved porn, I casually shunshined behind the unlucky bastard, planting a boot in his ass to send him sprawling at my feet as my hands came together in a familiar set of handseals.
*Pul-CHIchichichichichichi!*
I could feel the pure energy coursing through my arm, congregating in the palm of my hand, the symphony of destruction ringing in my ears.
"Too slow. Now, why don't I show you boys what a real shinobi can do?"
"That's enough, Sasuke. You two," Jiraiya appeared between myself and the cowering Akoki, hand resting against my right forearm, before hooking a thumb at the exit. "Get the hell out of here and don't come back."
Loudmouth and buttface ran the hell out of there, while I sighed and cut the flow of chakra. "Hmph. Those two're gonna get themselves killed soon enough, anyway."
"Both of you, go wait for me at the hotel. I'll meet you there in half an hour." He tossed his bag to Naruto and headed for the bar, where the bartender was looking nonchalant as ever. Guess this happens a lot.
Once we got to the hotel, Naruto asked, "Sasuke, what's wrong? You've been snappy and pissed-off ever since we got here." I could feel his concerned gaze boring into my back as he frowned.
I unlocked and opened our room door, walking inside. "Not sure. That old perv frustrates me with how immature he is, and especially with how he acts. Maybe... It's that I lost my family, and found that Itachi left for a reason. I can forgive him that, as he's doing his best to make up for what he was forced to do. But when I look at Jiraiya, and I know that he left you on your own for no reason whatsoever, I can't help but want to throttle him. He is only now helping because he's being forced to do what he chose not to do years ago."
"I get that, but he's helping now. That's what counts. He may be a perverted, hypcritical old bastard, but Kakashi-sensei said he's one of the strongest ninjas in the village, so he has to know what he's doing. He taught the F- ...My dad."
A third voice interrupted our heart-to-heart. "You two can stop talking about me, now."
We turned, sizing up the bag-bearing Sannin. Hm. So he went and got the water balloons.
"What's all that?" Naru asked, staring at the brown paper bags.
Jiraiya grinned ear-to-ear. "Training materials."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
He lead us out to a secluded area overlooking the town, setting down his burden.
"Alright, this is the technique I'm going to teach you both." He held out his hand as I activated my sharingan, observing as his chakra flowed and congregated, focused and swirled.
Soon, he held a visible maelstrom of chakra. "The Rasengan. This is a technique created by your father, Naruto; an A-rank ninjutsu that requires no handseals, only chakra. It's based on mastery of spacial chakra manipulation; there are only three steps to mastering it, the first of which," He reached down, pulling a water balloon out of one of the bags. "Is to pop a water balloon with only chakra."
He tossed one to each of us, turning around and plopping down on the ground, leaning against a tree. "Well, what're you waiting for? Get started."
Riiight.
"Uh, hentai-sennin? How're we supposed to-?" While he gabbed, I focused my chakra; time to pull a Gary Oak.
Focus. Now, swirl chakra through my right arm as normal, except this time, I push it out of my hand, forcing it to swirl.
The balloon shifted, stretching, flattening.
Good.
I placed my left hand on it, forcing the chakra in that arm to exit as well, swirling in a completely different direction. C'mon, c'mon!
*POP!*
Jiraiya shot upwards, blinking as he stared at me in shock. "What the hell? You- You got it that quickly?!"
I beamed, a tranquil smile deflecting Naruto's irritated glare. "See? It's not that hard, Naruto. If even I can get it, you'll have no trouble whatsoever." I calmly strolled over to the tree next to Jiraiya's, mimicking his act of dropping down on the ground, propped against the trunk.
Blondie was still staring at me. Then he glared at the balloon, grumbling as he started trying to get it to burst.
"...How'd you do it?"
Hm? I turned to look at the Sannin, who was curiously staring at me.
"It wasn't that difficult. I saw that if I spun the water in one direction, it would only stretch the balloon. So, spin it in both directions at once to get it to pop."
"Smart; you're pretty quick for a Genin. And before either of us forgets, that information you have on Akatsuki." I rolled my eyes, once again reaching into my bag and pulling out a small scroll.
"A list of bank accounts and who they're affiliated with. Crippling them financially should prove easy enough with this." He took the scroll, casually flipping it open. After a few moments, he rolled it shut, tucking it inside of his shirt.
"Hmph. Alright, do you want to start on the second step?"
I shrugged. "Nah, I'll stick with Naruto's pace and help him out a bit. Oy, you better pass that gourd if you know what's good for you." The big man took a swig from a gourd, recorking and tossing it to me.
Eheh, not that I'm real big on alchohol after that incident with Anko, but hey. If alky lead me to great relations like that, who am I to knock an occasional drink?
~~Badadumdunbum~~
A good two hours passed, as dusk set in. I corked and tossed the now-empty sake jug away, pulling myself to my feet.
Naruto was still working, trying to get it to work, to no avail. And Jiraiya was quietly snoozing, two or three gourds laying next to him. Hm.
Yawning, I waltzed over to Naruto, looking over his work.
"ARRGH! BREAK, DAMNIT!"
Not good, I take it.
"Oy, oy, Naruto. Go easy, you're gonna hurt its feelings. No progress yet, huh?" He slowly turned his head to glare at me. Nope, not in a good mood. "Want a tip?" He sighed, nodding.
"Try swirling chakra in both directions at once. Go in one direction for each hand."
That should get him going.
A few minutes later,
*POP!*
"HAHA! Yessah!" He punched the air, grinning like a crazy bastard.
I tapped his shoulder. "Wanna wake up sleeping beauty?"
Our evil grins matched perfectly.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
What do you call four klansmen pushing a truck? White power.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," The victim responds.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" Asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" He asks casually.
