Shepard leaned back in her chair gently rubbing her temples to keep the migraine at bay. Her bed beckoned from the dark depths of her room, but that was one siren song she had to ignore. Nothing had gone as planned all day, but that was no surprise; they rarely did. As a result, the mission debrief was considerably more hands-on than she'd liked, the call with the council got a tad heated when Sparatus accused her of wantonly destroying a unique species for the sake of a few human lives, and she was somehow named temporary guardian of an orphan child currently struggling for her life in the med bay. Any one of those alone would be cause enough for a headache, but she was somehow lucky enough to have all of them land in her lap at once.
Deep raps at the door shattered the silence of Shepard's quarters. A deep frown creased her brows as she tried to focus on the clock, but every heartbeat pounded deafeningly against her skull making the numbers blur together. It had to be late, but she was up anyway.
"It's open." The door slipped open to reveal the final little element of her migraine stew. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"
"Commander," Alenko nodded slightly as he entered the dark room; the use of his title was not lost on him, "Dr. Chakwas sent me by with a gentle reminder that you still need to be seen."
"Did she tell you to make sure I ate, too?"
"Who said this was for you?" Alenko asked as he raised the fork to his mouth, but the straight-faced act lasted all of a few seconds. He laughed and set the tray down after an audible grumble echoed through the room. "No, this was my idea. You're in enough trouble with her as it is, so I figured I'd spare you the full wrath. Plus, that'll keep me from being in a rather awkward position."
"And what would that be?"
"Making you sit out while I take over one of your missions – on doctor's orders, of course."
"Yeah, we wouldn't want to make things awkward, would we?" Shepard laughed, but instantly regretted it at her head pounded with the sound.
Alenko frowned as he pushed the metal tray full of food across her desk. "Eat," his voice was firm but gentle, and Shepard did as instructed without even raising an eyebrow at being given orders. That only concerned him more.
"I need to make sure all these forms are complete…" Shepard gestured to her desk as she ignored the food.
"You mean the forms that were filled out, signed, and submitted before we even took off?"
Shepard sighed heavily as she nodded. Medical evacuations were common enough to not cause much concern, but this case was complicated on every level possible. The child fighting for her life in the med bay was an orphan apparently without a single living blood relative, but ExoGeni's systems were in such disarray they couldn't even find proof of her existence, let alone a custody line to follow for proper notification and permission. Juliana Baynham and Ken Jeong acted jointly on behalf of ExoGeni and signed temporary guardianship over to Shepard, which allowed her to make any and all decisions on the child's behalf, otherwise any treatment would be delayed until an official guardian could be determined and contacted – which was time they just didn't have. This was iffy territory and she wanted to make damn sure it couldn't be turned around to bite her on the ass.
"You've done everything by the book. If there was any cause for concern you would've heard about it immediately."
"I know… but I would've felt a bit better about this if one of the colonists came with her as a chaperone – someone she knew..."
"Well, someone offered to come…"
"Dr. Baynham did not make that offer for the sake of the child. She didn't even know the girl's name," Shepard snapped. Alenko threw his hands up in submission but couldn't quite keep the self-satisfied grin off his face, which pushed Shepard even more. "There was only one reason she made that offer, and it was selfish. Besides, I meant what I said: she was the only Thorian expert in the area and would be of more use to the recovering colonists."
Shepard grabbed the tray and began mindlessly shoving food into her face without even tasting it. A full mouth was the most direct way to keep from saying more on the situation, as if she hadn't said too much as it was. There was clearly no love lost between her and the young doctor, but that wasn't the only thing she was suppressing with food. One other person came forward as an escort just before liftoff – after all paperwork had been submitted and approved. In fact, Arcelia Silva Martinez seemed rather eager to leave the colony… a little too eager. Shepard dealt with the offer by quietly and quickly shutting it down under the guise of the colony needing its sole guard. Arcelia was Zhu's Hope's only line of defense and it would be unethical for her to leave them vulnerable. It was easier than Shepard coming right out and admitting she knew of the woman's past and didn't trust the guard on her ship. And since that was all dealt with and left behind there was no reason to tell the Lieutenant. It was just one more thing to mull over in her downtime.
"I was just teasing you…" Alenko finally broke the silence.
"I know; I'm sorry I snapped at you. My pounding head's giving me a shorter fuse than normal."
"Migraine?" he asked gently. Concern creased his brows as Shepard gave an almost imperceptible nod. "Why didn't you see Chakwas as soon as it started?"
"I didn't want to face everything else in there. I wasn't ready for it," she admitted softly.
"I was just in there and it isn't too bad. The convulsions stopped and she appears to be comfortable…"
The corners of Shepard's mouth turned up in a small, sad smile. "I'm glad to hear that, but she wasn't my only concern."
Alenko cocked his head slightly as he tried to work out what she was getting at. He carefully watched Shepard, but she steadfastly avoided eye contact for the second time that day. That had to be a clue. The first time Shepard was still reeling from receiving the cipher…
"The rest of the med bay is empty. Everyone was patched up and shooed out, and Dr. T'Soni requested a sedative and disappeared into her quarters immediately after the mission debrief," Alenko mentioned casually, but he watched her reaction like a hawk.
A hot blush crawled up Shepard's neck. Somehow Alenko managed to read her mind, to know exactly what was bothering her… or at least he was getting to know her well enough to figure it out with a vague clue. Or maybe he suspected there was something else going on and felt the need to bring the young asari up in conversation.
"Did… did something happen when you joined minds? No… don't answer that."
"All I saw was death and destruction and if my experience with Shiala is any indication, she only saw what I did. That's not the kind of thing to give anyone the warm-and-fuzzies." Shepard stared at the empty tray, unwilling to meet the lieutenant's eyes as guilt coursed through her. Liara practically collapsed after the joining, said it was because human subconscious instinctively resists the joining, but that wasn't the entire truth. Shepard consciously closed off large swaths of her mind to keep Liara from seeing anything aside from the bare necessities and made her fight for every bit of info.
"That was one hell of a mission, wasn't it?" Alenko sighed. "We've played it pretty close to the vest so far, but we're a long way from backup and have some tough calls to make. Just… make sure to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone, and I'd hate for that to happen to you, Shepard."
Shepard jerked her head up in surprise, but Alenko didn't flinch. He merely met her gaze and held it.
"That's not how you address your commanding officer, Lieutenant," she responded carefully.
"I wasn't speaking to you as my commanding officer," he replied evenly. "I've learned that if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes."
"Special?" Shepard asked tentatively, and was more than a little embarrassed at the girly, flirting lilt to her voice as it echoed through the now-silent cabin.
"I know we haven't had a lot of downtime lately so we could discuss… everything. I just want to put that out there." A shy smile played along his mouth as he carefully reached forward and brushed his hand against hers, the touch soft and fleeting. "I want to be clear: I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard. It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. And it's hard to tell who will be hurt in the long run."
Shepard stared at him in confusion. What had she let slide? Was she careless and hadn't even realized it? And the talk about hurting someone in the long run was equally perplexing. It was more than her tender head could piece together. "Talk to me, Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head."
"I'll try to keep the deck dry," he deadpanned. "It's just…"
A loud knock cut him off and both pulled back as if they'd been caught doing something they shouldn't. Alenko grabbed the tray and rose as Shepard called out to the new arrival. He was at the door by the time it slid open.
"Hey there, LT. Hope I wasn't interrupting anything," Williams greeted the Lieutenant with a broad, knowing smile.
"Nope; just giving Shepard a little jab to remind her to see the doc…"
"Phrasing…" Shepard winced and covered her face with one hand as Williams busted up laughing. Alenko looked between the two women in confusion then turned bright red as he realized what he said.
"Oh no… I didn't mean…"
Shepard held up a hand to stop him – he was just digging the hole deeper anyway. "We'll finish this discussion later, Lieutenant. I'll find you when I have some downtime." She'd chosen her words carefully to fully convey the meaning behind them, and his smile was assurance that the message was received loud and clear. "Now, how can I help you, Williams?"
"I'm glad I caught you before you saw Dr. Chakwas. I wanted you to hear the story from me, not her…"
Shepard stumbled into the med bay, desperate for some pain relief. The laughing fit she was still trying to shake sent her migraine into dangerous territory, but the whole situation was so damn funny she couldn't help it. The laughs just kind of happened, despite the pain. She had some serious chops to bust once she felt better, that much was certain. Dr. Chakwas looked up from her task long enough to give a stern glare and gesture to the cots. Shepard knew the drill by now. She walked back to the cot she'd already claimed as her own and got comfortable. Fuzzy halos of vibrant blues and violets were already surrounding all the dim light sources in the room, which meant things were about to get worse. If her current headache was any indication, she was going to be there awhile. Fortunately, Chakwas knew a migraine when she saw one and the meds were almost as good as the doctor administering them.
Blissful, pain-free darkness enveloped Shepard in no time, but there was no peace in the dark recesses of her mind.
A gasp shattered the silence as Shepard shot upright in the darkness, her hands cradling the thick scar under the elastic waistband of her pants. There was no pain; there never was. The dead numbness, a complete and total lack of sensation, had been present from the moment of injury all those years ago when the nerves were completely severed and sacrificed along with so much more. Bile crept up the back of her throat as phantom smells of burning flesh and putrid blood plagued her. She swallowed hard against the bitterness, the burning sting a welcome distraction, but it was not enough. Deep, gulping breaths pulled in the sterile ship air, chasing away the olfactory hallucinations, but nothing could drive out the haunting images burned into her mind.
"Are you alright, Commander?" a tentative voice called out from the far corner of the med bay.
No. This was about as far from alright a person could get. After-images of the death and destruction flashed before her eyes with each blink as the gut-wrenching cries of orphaned children hugging their parents' corpses slowly died away. Sitting back, Shepard pulled a shaky hand across her face, wiping away the last vestiges of moisture from her brow. The nightmares were nothing new, she'd struggled with them for years, but this one was by far the worst. Hopefully this was nothing more than a flare-up caused by the Cipher because a mind could only handle so much. A nightly supply of that would make for a seriously sleep-deprived commander, especially since the inner demons that haunted her sleep had more terrors to pull from. The rotting flesh of the husks and creepers merged with the damnable images burned into her mind by the beacon and they all converged with her staple nightmare that was the hell of the Blitz. And that was before they preyed on her newest weakness.
"I will be," Shepard replied as honestly as possible as she tried to fight past the horrors still dancing before her eyes. There would be no more sleep for now. The nightmares were too fresh, too real. Shepard shook them away as best she could and focused on the large, oddly-shaped figure in the corner. Curiosity got the better of her, so she slid from her cot and approached as she spoke. "I'm sorry if I woke you…"
Blonde hair peeked out from the top of a cocoon of blankets that draped awkwardly in front. The young woman within smiled as Shepard sat down next to her, happy for a little companionship, but her eyes held pain and longing as well.
"How about you, Chase? Are you alright?" Shepard asked the copilot. As far as she knew, there were no injury reports or underlying medical issues that would explain her presence in the med bay, especially wrapped in blankets and emotional as she was.
"I heard her crying and it just broke my heart," she smiled as a single tear ran down her cheek. The front of the blanket dropped to reveal the small child nestled within, who was clearly not happy with the sudden temperature change. "Don't worry, I asked the doctor before I picked her up."
Shepard watched entranced as Chase murmured something into the little girl's dark hair and the soft whimpers died away instantly. The machines along the wall proved the calming effect the pilot had on the girl, with the readings evening out as she settled down once more. Seeing the mothering instinct in action was so… amazing, like a magic trick that would always be just out of reach. Chase glanced back up and caught Shepard staring.
"I learned that trick from my mom when my daughter was a baby. It works like a charm… most of the time." Chase's face fell and the tears welled up once more. "I miss this; just being a mom, completely enveloping them in your arms. They're too big to snuggle before you know it." A wistful look crossed her face as she stared out into thin air enraptured by memories only she could see. "I miss so much of my daughter's life while I'm deployed. I guess I needed this as much as she did," she whispered as she pulled the girl close.
"Your daughter can't be much older than her, though…"
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Chase chuckled slightly. "My little bug isn't so little anymore. She just turned 8. I was the warning story of my high school and I played the part a little too well. At least all of my friends learned to use protection and avoid the bad boys thanks to me. They tend to disappear when things get real."
"That's a rough situation," Shepard commiserated quietly without letting on that her heart was pounding within her chest.
"It could've been so much worse. My family was super supportive and my best friend vowed to help me raise her, no matter what. That's when I realized how much he loved me… and that I felt the same." A broad smile crossed her lips as she looked the Commander in the eye. "So yeah, it was rough and made me grow up fast, but I wouldn't change anything. I have a perfect little person at home who I love more than life itself."
Shepard looked down at her wrist, desperate for any distraction while she pulled herself together. Falling apart in front of a crew member after they just revealed something so deeply personal tended to send the wrong message. It was a losing battle, though. There were cracks in the damn and everything she'd been tucking away threatened to break free. Escape was the only solution at this point, so she claimed to be needed for an urgent matter and made a hasty retreat for the one place she felt safest.
"I was wondering when you'd make time for your favorite pilot." Joker called over his shoulder as Shepard approached the cockpit, but his smile fell as she came fully into view. "You look like hell. Nightmares are back, huh?" It was more statement than question, so Shepard didn't feel the need to reply. The answer was as obvious as the bags under her eyes and nobody really liked hearing about other people's dreams anyway. Besides, the way she unconsciously held one hand over her abdomen told him everything he needed to know. "The batarian from the Blitz again?"
"I don't want to talk about it." The answer was short and to the point. Anything more and she'd risk admitting more than she wanted, since the phantom blade was held by someone new this time – someone who'd just lost everything because of their disregard of regs. Gurgling noises escaped from under her palm and her stomach spun sickly as she remembered Alenko's handsome features twisting with rage and disgust as the blade hit home. In her dreams he'd called her broken and now she actually felt it.
Joker watched her carefully; he knew her better than anyone else, probably better than she knew herself. There was more to it than just the nightmares. He gestured to the empty seat next to him and waited for her to get comfortable.
"Are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess?"
Shepard stared out into open space for several minutes, and Joker knew better than to press. The stars were her security blanket, the shimmering points of light within the inky darkness surrounded and comforted her in times of need, so he let her take all the time she needed.
"Do you and Chase talk much about your private lives?" Shepard asked casually, but the question seemed to come out of nowhere.
"A bit, why?"
"I woke up in the med bay. Chase was in there rocking the girl so we started talking. She told me how she got pregnant when she was really young, the dad disappeared, and her best friend stepped in to help raise the baby…" Shepard's voice cracked. The dam broke and there was no holding back.
"Oh Rae…" he whispered. His hand rubbed small, comforting circles along her shoulder as she shook. "Did you tell her?"
"Tell her what? That I was in the exact same boat, but my baby never got a chance to be held; that a batarian's rusty sword guaranteed I'll never have the opportunity again?" Shepard searched her friend's face. "She doesn't need to know. Nobody does. It's just…" she sighed heavily as she searched for the right words, "it all hit me at once and it was too much. The nightmares alone were too much. The story just pushed me over the edge."
"I get it," he nodded somberly, "and having to face Sparatus on a regular basis doesn't help at all, I'm sure… though I doubt he even knows how much you lost when his thugs attacked you. And I shouldn't have brought that up. Stop crying, please," he begged as he clumsily wiped the fresh tears away.
"Stop trying to cheer me up, damn it. You suck at it." Shepard glared, but a hint of a smile peeked through the tears.
"At least you can take comfort in the fact that I never would've married your crazy ass." Joker flashed a wild, hopeful smile.
"Thank god," Shepard laughed as she wiped her face dry.
Joker visibly relaxed. The little Shepard-storm was over and they weathered it together as usual. "How 'bout you shut your mouth and get some rest?" he teased as the copilot's chair reclined with a press of a button. "You need it if you want to look human by the time we reach the Citadel."
"I don't think I can sleep right now."
"Fine by me," Joker shrugged as an ornery smile twisted the corners of his mouth, "let's talk about your hair, then. I like what you've done. Side-mullet is a daring choice."
"This is what happens when you use your face as an emergency brake. Unfortunately, my hair doesn't grow as fast as my skin heals, but that doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure I'm rocking it. Now how 'bout you shut up and do your job," Shepard mumbled as the darkness of space washed over her.
Shepard's eyes flew open as an unmistakable scent filled the air. "Coffee…?"
"Good morning to you to, Commander," Williams laughed as she set a full tray down between the two pilots' chairs.
"It lives!" Joker teased as Shepard sat up. "You missed the jump, by the way. And don't even think about eating that here."
"Don't be such a hard-ass, Joker. The Commander can eat where she wants – it's her ship after all."
"No, it's my ship. She just tells me where to go," he corrected Williams, but she just calmly stared back. A few seconds passed in a stalemate before he sighed and turned back to Shepard. "Fine, eat your food. Just don't make a mess." He didn't acknowledge the fact that Shepard was already half done with the plate by the time he gave permission.
Shepard's focus was on the data pad in her hand, though. It was a status update on the child, and it wasn't good. The girl's condition deteriorated sometime after Shepard left, and now it was simply a matter of luck and timing.
"How far out are we?"
"See for yourself."
The nebula pulsed in soft pinks and violets as they approached. The wards' lights glowed along each arm like veins of life within a flower's petals. It was beautiful and reassuring. They were almost there.
"Get suited up; you're coming with me," Shepard instructed Williams as she leaned over the console and activated the comm. link to the med bay. "How's it going down there?"
"Dr. Chakwas has her as stable as possible. We're almost ready for transfer," Alenko replied.
"Tell her to keep fighting; we're almost there. I want to make sure the medical team is waiting on the docks and then I'll be down…"
"Uh, Shepard…" Joker interrupted, "It looks like we have more than a medical team waiting for us."
Little figures along the dock came into view as Joker landed with expert precision. Dark dress blues stood out in stark contrast to the small army in medical whites. Joker had a good eye to see that before they'd even landed. It was impossible to tell who their greeting party was, but they looked important. Shepard muttered a slew of colorful words under her breath as she punched something in to her 'tool.
"Change of plans, Lieutenant. Looks like I get to play politics. I'm sending you authorization to act in the child's best interest on my behalf. Anyone who questions it will have to answer to me. Just... keep me posted." Shepard waited for acknowledgement before cutting the line. At least she could count on Alenko to get the job done. She pulled one hand over her weary face only to find Joker looking entirely too pleased once she was finished. "What?"
"Oh… nothing," he replied innocently. "So, does this mean the two of you have joint custody? Like a real family?"
"I have a better question," Shepard shot back. "How did Williams sprain her wrist?" A feral grin spread across her face as Joker paled considerably. "Far as I can tell, you two suck at flirting and both have egos that wouldn't let you lose an arm wrestling match. Let's talk about that instead. It's a better story… at least Williams' version was."
