I return to Hoth in 35 days.

But I do not return with Torian.

Somehow, I let Torian out. He wanted me to. I was too weak to deny him. I lost a lot of control. I hurt him in those days. Physically. And maybe something else. What we had will never be the same. Our bond may be stronger, but we lost something. There were no stories or drinking in those nights. But I needed them. I'm not sure I'm ready for this stage where talking becomes unnecessary.

Guess I didn't really open myself to the option of drinking. Spent the time I wasn't training Torian in the bridge watching the stars as we floated or travelled aimlessly to shake off any pursuers. Or I stayed in my room. Kept reading that datapad over and over. Looking for some hint on where to find It. Know I'm not ready to find It though. Need to find some other things first.

I am different now. My body is the same, but I have changed. I am not sure how yet. But I feel it. I killed everyone I found. I took what I needed. And then I burnt the place to the ground. It burned away a part of me.

It took two days to reach Tython. We planned and strategized. The attack took another three. After that, I spent eight days healing. Torian never left. He contacted Gault and Mako who remained on Hoth. I don't know what Torian had to say, I didn't listen in, but I know they will come back and join us when we return.

The serum is working. The pain has become something I can almost ignore, kind of like Mako's constant prattle. But then I am on only three doses and taking as many meds as I can find. Results are interesting to say the least. Suppose it's the lack of any real result that is most interesting. Still hurts like fucking hell, but it doesn't stop me from doing anything.

My body has almost regrown what it had lost. Scabs falling off to reveal white, thin skin. Strange how quickly it's happening. My chest still has no beat, but I have found something that I can live for. Without a heart. I still wear gloves. And armour. I hate the memories of Torian seeing me. Alone, I wonder if he can still see something worth looking at. If he ever did. But when I am with him, this sadness dissipates. It is enough that he is with me. In this small way.

Nights are far from fun. Memories haunt my dreams. Worse I've ever had. Pain feels so real, as if it was happening all over again. Sometimes, though, I'm the one torturing someone. And sometimes that person is Torian. Not sure what to do with that. Always wake slightly calm though. And that's kind of terrifying. Think the worst dreams are the ones where he is in the room, holding my hand and watching over me. Because I know that will never happen.

Three weeks before landing on Hoth, we reclaim our old seats in the cargo hold. They are dusty. Apart from that, it's almost as if there has been no change. We drink. Speculate on what havoc Gault and Mako would have reeked on the unsuspecting Hoth. And we sit in silence. We don't need to talk.

'That friend I said you remind me of? Got a holocall from him a week ago.' The way Torian never speaks in full sentences amuses me. Very Mandalorian. So direct. I suppose I kinda sound the same. A lot the same. Not quite sure what that says about us. 'Turns out Corridan heard about us taking down Jicoln on Taris.' He pauses a little. I wave him on. 'Sent me an invitation.'

'A friendly invitation?' I stare at the carbonite man in the cargo hold. I still find it hard to look Torian in the eye. 'Didn't draw a line in the sand I hope.' I draw a line between us in the thin layer of dust. It clings to the tip of my leather gloved finger.

'Over Jicoln? No, he'd have done the same as us.' I like the way he speaks about his father. As if his blood did not run through his veins. Another thing we have in common.

'So, what kind of invitation?' I can't imagine Madalorians throwing birthday parties. The thought makes me smile a little.

'Said he's hunting big game. Offered to let me in on it.' I don't know why I didn't guess. 'Plan to take him up on that. Now that we're done and heading back to Hoth soon.' So. He'd stayed with me this long. I feel a little... touched by this. I know how much the hunt would mean to Torian. I am surprised he hadn't left earlier. When I think earlier, I mean straight away. Everything is too raw and soon for happiness that he stayed with me. I don't really know what we are. Where we stand. But I'm hoping it isn't in quicksand.*

'Wanted to let you know.' I nod my head. But if he leaves, I know he might not come back. When it comes down to it, would he choose a place as a Mandalorian at Corridan's side, a place as an equal in a clan? Or would he come back to the woman who tried to kill him and her two other 'companions'? Yes. It is obvious where you would want to be. Mako and Gault are only here because they have no one and nowhere else. And because there's big credits involved.

'Won't be long.' I look him in the eye. So, I'm that easy to read now. He knows me too well. It still terrifies me. I suppose it's not surprising. And I like a man that surprises me. I've never needed someone before. Not even the General. It's a new and petrifying experience. And his voice was gentle. It makes me bite back a retort. Literally.

'Not going to introduce me to this friend of yours? Or is it no girls aloud?' I poke my tongue out a little. A juvenile move. I think it might be bleeding though. But it makes him smile. 'Or are you just scared I'll upstage you?' I smile a little. It's a tiny, wavering thing. I still find genuine smiles hard.

'I'd like to see you try.' He smiles a little more. Slowly getting bigger. He leans forward. Dust clings to his elbows. 'But I don't like competition. With you along, Corridan'd spend the whole trip trying to impress.' I laugh it off. His voice was light. But he always looks so serious. I don't want to be led to hope again. I thought it was over once. I thought we were broken. Before we even began. And I don't want it again.

'I want you to meet him,' he sounds intent. Serious. 'Got catching up to do first.' This stops my laughter. I don't want to think of what Torian will have to tell. I can't imagine him having many good things to say. It doesn't occur to me that Madalorians earn respect and status through battle and skill. I don't think Champion of the Great Hunt could make up for anything. It doesn't occur to me that Torian would claim me as his hunt to others. It does occur to me that you would have to be seriously fucked up to want a woman that tried to kill you repeatedly. Guess Mako's card is back on the table. When did you think it wasn't?

I nod. I can't speak for awhile. 'I'll meet you back on Hoth. Stay alive.' It's all I can manage. He has a bag packed already.

'I'll see you again. Soon.'

And then he was gone.