Chapters 116-119 of Nobody Sees Me Wishing
It took Peter an awfully long time to say something. After all of the staring (in the corridors, during class, while eating at lunch and dinner, sitting in the common room), I was expecting the questions. Finally, after Ivy left to go up into the dormitory (and Peter stared at her with wide eyes), he finally said something.
"Why are you dating her?"
I raised an eyebrow at his comment, playing with chess piece in my hand. "What do you mean?"
I couldn't tell what he meant by the comment – it almost sounded like disgust. But it couldn't be – he liked Ivy...well, I think.
"She's Ivy Bennett. You like girls that...aren't Ivy Bennett."
I rolled my eyes at his description, ready with a sarcastic retort, but James quickly interrupted.
"Actually, Wormtail's got a point. You're not using her, are you?"
I stared at them, trying to read the expressions on their faces. They couldn't be serious – did they actually think I would use her like that? She wasn't like any other girl I could just throw away and forget about her.
Remus wouldn't even look me in the eye. He kept his gaze determinedly on the book in front of him.
"I would never do that," I said, emphasizing my words. "I actually like her a lot, okay?"
James gave me a skeptical look. "You say that about every girl you snog. Ivy's different – she doesn't deserve your act of "dating and ditching them." She's been in love with you only fo-"
"You said that already!" I cut him off, frustrated. "Just last night. And I swear, I'm not going to hurt her."
I ignored the way Peter was looking at me with an open-mouthed expression and the fact Remus was still ignoring me. Instead, I locked eyes with James, never blinking, making sure he understood I was being completely honest.
"Solemnly swear?" James asked.
I nodded sharply. "Solemnly swear."
Remus suddenly closed his book and quickly stood up out of his seat. "I have a headache, so I'm going to read over there," he muttered quickly, barely glancing at us before he strode over to the opposite side of the common room. He turned a chair around, facing it away from us and toward the wall and began reading.
James made a face before slowly letting out a breath that sounded like a low hiss. "This isn't good," he said quietly.
Shaking my head, I leaned back in my chair. "I knew he'd be like this." It was only a matter time before he would slip a potion in my pumpkin juice.
"Maybe I'll talk to him," James offered. "It's not like you can just break up with Ivy now; he'd hate you for hurting her. Besides, it's not your fault she loves you."
Did it make me a bad friend for doing this to him? I sighed and then noticed Lily coming down from the dormitories.
She gave us a smile before wrinkling her brow, probably wondering where Remus was. James discreetly pointed over to where Remus was hiding. She glanced over and raised an eyebrow back at us.
Striding over, Lily whispered, "Is he okay?" like he could hear us from all the way over there.
"He'll be fine," James assured her with a smile. "Come on – the library's still open for another hour."
Normally, it would have been my cue to add in a suggestive remark, but instead, I just watched them go with another sigh.
Peter moved in front of me, his wide eyes staring me down. "Do you think you can stay in a relationship?"
I blinked at him, and then answered, "I'm not incompetent – I can be in a relationship, you know."
"But it's...Ivy Bennett," Peter said again, and I definitely heard something off in his voice.
I leaned forward slowly, narrowing my eyes at him. "And what about her?"
He didn't hesitate to answer, "Well, she's not that pretty and she's very quiet and strange and she doesn't talk and likes writing and there's so many-"
His voice trailed off as I gradually leaned in closer to him, an intense look in my eyes. Peter backed away, holding out his hands in defense. "And she's amazing and I'm so jealous of you, Padfoot. I'm so jealous that I can't – DON'T HURT ME." Peter raised his arms, shielding his face away from me.
"Let me tell you something," I said as calmly as possible. Peter peered out from behind his cover. "If anything, I'm not good enough for her. She's perfect – beautiful and smart and intriguing, so don't try to say I can find someone better."
Peter nodded frantically. "Okay, you're not going to hurt me, right?"
I moved back in my chair and twiddled my thumbs. "I don't know – what did you say about Ivy again?"
He immediately began mumbling, "She's amazing and you've got the nicest, prettiest girlfriend in the world?"
I had to grin at his frantic tone. "Sounds about right."
My eyes fell onto Ivy quickly coming down the staircase, bounding down the steps and heading over to – Remus?
I watched with a raised eyebrow as she hesitantly made her way over, stopping next to his chair. Maybe Remus would talk to her and she would finally make him see reason.
But, by the way he was ignoring her too, I knew that it probably wasn't going to happen. Their voices carried across the common room (after Remus started raising her voice at her) and I could hear words of their conversation.
Full moon, uncomfortable, hostile...
He was being hostile and I had no clue what to do about it. I could only hope that he would get over it sooner or later. I fancied Ivy and she fancied me in return and there was nothing I could do about that. But I couldn't help but feel like I was stealing my friend's girlfriend.
She didn't come over and talk to me after Remus went back to his book. Instead, she teetered on her toes and then made her way back up to the dormitories.
I needed to do something for her – anything that would cheer her up. And I had the perfect idea.
-x-
She hesitated, looking at me strangely before taking my hand as I lead her out of the oak doors onto the grounds.
It was still chilly and I knew Ivy was wondering for my sanity as I dragged her further out onto the grounds, trudging through the crunchy snow. She shivered suddenly and I curled my fingers tighter around hers and brought her close to me.
I stopped in front of the oak tree by the lake and gestured for Ivy to take a seat. She looked at me like I was crazy and I laughed. Taking out my wand, I quickly placed a spell on the ground to get rid of the snow and create a warm, dry place to sit.
Ivy smiled at me and we sat down in the shadow of the tree. She immediately rummaged through her bag, taking out her journal to set in her lap. Situating her ink and quills in front of her, she didn't waste any time before scribbling her first sentence.
I grabbed one of her quills and dipped it into the ink, leaning over to see how close I could get to the page before Ivy would freak out. "What are you doing?" It only took a second before she asked.
Keeping a straight face, I answered, "I'm helping you write." I was only centimeters from the page before Ivy yelped, moving away from me.
"Sirius, you can't write in my journal," she tried to tell me.
But I wasn't having it. I stuck out my tongue at her and she laughed, rolling her eyes before going back to her writing. I slowly inched closer, trying to catch a glimpse of what she was reading. Peering over her shoulder, I was only able to read two words before she turned her head to look at me.
I grinned at her and she paused, biting her lip (and I resisted the urge to bring her into a kiss at the sight of it). "Sirius," she said slowly, glancing up at me.
After my murmur of "mmm," she said, "What do you like about me?"
Had she been talking to Peter? How could she not see why I liked her? I moved back, never breaking her gaze as she stared back at me with a nervous expression.
Taking a moment to answer, I tapped my finger on my chin. Ivy let out an anxious chuckle and I smiled at her. "I suppose it's because you're different," I finally answered her question.
She blinked at me, her eyebrows coming together in confusion. I smiled at how adorable she was and leaned forward again and continued, "I also love the way you're shy around others. You just don't open up to everyone – only who's close to you. I love the way you blush when I get too close to you-" I looked down briefly to see her cheeks tinged pink. "-now, for instance." She looked down, the blush worsening. "Every other girl I've ever went out with was outgoing, loud, told me exactly what was on their mind. You, Ivy Bennett, you're a mystery. You're quiet and reserved and I have to fight to know what's going through that mind of your's. And I absolutely love it. I love you."
I didn't even worry about saying those words to her; it just seemed natural, like I had felt like this forever, even though it had took me a long while to finally figure it out.
She took in a shaking breath, a smile playing on her lips. "That's..." she breathed and all I could think was how bright her eyes were and how happy she looked.
She was happy with me – how could I ever think that she didn't like me in return?
"Oh," I remembered, reaching into the pocket of my cloak and closing my hand around the box that held her birthday preset. "I never gave you your birthday present."
Bringing it out in front of her, I waited for her to take it. Instead, she gave me a confused look. "But...you said that you already gave me my present."
I grinned at her puzzled expression and naivety. "You didn't really think all I got you was me, right?"
Ivy laughed and I placed the gift in her hand. She looked at me for a second before lifting off the cover and peering inside.
Holding my breath, I waited for her to say something, anything. I didn't know if she'd like the gift; I thought it was pretty and it reminded me of her. But what if she didn't want it?
She took it into one of her hands, bringing it out of the box. Maybe she didn't know what it was – maybe she thought it was an old grandmother brooch.
"It's a hair clip," I told her, surprised to find my voice wavering slightly. "I thought that since your hair longer now, you'd need something to keep it back."
Moving it slightly back and forth, it caught the light. The red tulips shone brightly against the ivy petals and I smiled at the significance of the whole present.
Ivy finally caught my gaze and then I felt the present being pushing in my hand. For a second, I thought she was giving it back.
And that I was in a nightmare.
Or reality – the past days were just a dream. I almost dropped the clip from my shaking hands, eyes widening with the realization that I had either messed up or none of this was really happening.
But then she said, "Can you-?" and I understood. With a relieved sigh and a new smile, I opened up the clip and, hoping I was doing it right, clipped the hair that Ivy was pulling back for me. Her hair thankfully stayed in place and she turned around to face me with a brilliant smile.
"Thank you." Her voice was soft and sincere.
I smiled back at her and whispered, "You're very welcome."
And, instead of resisting the urge, I leaned down, meeting her halfway into a gentle kiss. It was perfect, she was perfect, everything was perfect.
-x-
I fell down into the first chair, my body giving out on me and my breath coming out in a whoosh. Holding my head in my hands, I looked down into my lap and let the night's events replay in my mind.
He was awful and hostile and mean – he had lashed out and I had to push and shove him around.
I hated these nights. When he was tolerable, then it was okay. But these nights – when he was bottling up his emotions all month and let himself do this...
But it was my fault, right?
I looked over next to me to see James running a hand through his hair and Peter collapsed in a chair.
Madame Pomfrey fretted over Remus's new injuries, silently and quickly, forcing potions down his throat and performing spells on his new scratches.
I watched as Remus took it all; he was so used to it. "It's my fault," I murmured softly, catching James's attention.
He glanced over at me, slowly shaking his head. "No, you didn't-"
"I can't do anything about it," I added, looking down at the floor. "It's...horrible, Prongs – I'm ruining everything."
He continued shaking his head. "You love her," he said softly, so Remus couldn't hear. "There's no crime against it. He won't talk about her anymore and-"
Suddenly, he stopped in mid-word, looking behind me at something. I turned around and saw Ivy standing behind me, biting her lip nervously. She took a hesitant step forward and asked, in a hushed voice, "Is anything...wrong?"
I quickly looked over at James, wondering what to say. "It's just Remus isn't feeling too well," James explained quickly. "He's...feeling under the weather, I suppose."
He couldn't tell her the real reason; she didn't need to hear about Remus's problems, especially when it dealt with her. She wouldn't want to hear about Remus hurting.
But, as she looked over at him in the bed, I knew that she would be able to figure it out. She wasn't stupid, even looking at Remus said everything.
"Remus?"
He wouldn't even look at her. I watched as she slowly made her way over to his bed. James and I shared a quick look before turning back to see Remus met her eyes very quickly.
"Are you okay?" Ivy asked softly.
He was staring at her now – just staring as if he had nothing to say to her.
Maybe I should have felt jealousy when she leaned forward and started tracing the bruise on the side of his face. But I was too preoccupied with the fact that Remus wouldn't even hold a conversation with her – they were supposed to be friends, and because of our relationship, he was going to throw it all away?
He only said one thing to her and it was about his bruise stinging. I couldn't stand to watch this tension anymore. Walking over to Ivy, I pulled her slightly by the arm. "Ivy, let's let Remus get some rest."
She nodded with no fight and he walked out of hearing range, stopping next to the hospital wing doors.
"What happened tonight?" she asked after a bout of awkward silence (and not the good awkward silence).
I sighed, wondering how to answer without making her panic. "Honestly, I don't know, Ivy," I tried to lie. "I wish I could tell you. I think he's not telling us something but we don't know what it is."
I felt awful for lying but-
"Is it about me?"
She knew. "What?" I asked.
"I don't think he's telling me something and I have a feeling it's about me." She was visibly shaking, almost as if she was sobbing.
"You're shaking," I said, trying to calm her down, do something to stop her. I placed my hands on her arms, hoping it would comfort her.
"I'm worried," she whispered.
She needed rest – something that would calm her. "Don't worry," I reassured her. "It'll all turn out okay." She was looking down at he floor again, breathing erratically. I leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead, feeling her tremble underneath my touch. "Go back to bed. Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
Slowly nodding, she made her way out of the hospital wing doors. I turned back to Remus, wondering what to do next.
James caught my gaze and I knew what he was thinking. We needed to do something for Remus – and the perfect day was coming up.
-x-
"Ah, Ivy!" James noticed her coming down the the staircase first, pulling her into the group. It was early the next morning and James and I were planning a certain birthday coming up.
It was the perfect plan – we were going to get Remus's mind off of his misfortunes and give him the best birthday ever.
"As you know," James continued, "Remus hasn't been feeling well lately-"
"Hard to miss," she muttered, rolling her eyes.
James ignored it. "And his birthday is next week. So, Sirius, Peter, and I have come up with this amazing, spectacular idea. Really, it's genius."
She rolled her eyes again, making me smile. "A surprise party?"
Groaning, James turned to me. "Your girlfriend ruined my explanation," he began whining, even going so far as pouting.
I just grinned. "Don't complain to me. You're her friend too."
"No fair," he muttered, before turning his attention to something behind us. "Lily, love! How nice to see you this morning!"
I rolled my eyes as he ran away from us and then laughed when Ivy had the same look on her face. Taking her hand, I brought her close to me and asked, "Sleep well?"
I kissed her quickly and she pulled away to respond with "okay." After a short pause an a soft sigh, she asked, "How's Remus?"
I shook my head, not exactly sure anymore. He refused to talk all last night and I still didn't know exactly what was going through his head. "Awful, to tell you the truth. That bruise on the side of his face was made by me last night." Ivy's eyes widened and I continued, "He had a rough night – kept attacking everything that moved. I got in his way and had to push him. He hit a wall."
She cringed. "I need to talk to him. I just need to know what's wrong. It's killing me that I don't know."
All I wanted was for Remus to finally admit his problems. "Well, if you succeed at finding out what it is, the rest of us would like to know. Because he didn't tell us a single word."
And, knowing Remus, he was going to try to keep silent as long as possible. And it wasn't going to work. If anything, it was going to worry Ivy to death.
Tightening my grip on her hand, I smiled reassuringly at her. She smiled back at me, but I knew it was forced. Would it always be?
I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to ignore those thoughts.
No, it was going to work out.
It had to.
Yes, I wrote a new chapter! And it's pretty long.
Thanks to Suliac Griffin for all of his suggesions - I did use some of them and it helped a lot.
And thanks for reading everyone. You're too awesome.
