Chapter Twenty-Nine

Amy sat against the tree while the ducks float across the pond and she tucked her legs under her. Opening the journal, she smiled as the wind gently moved the leaves in the trees and the clouds moved across the sky.

11 September 1794

As I sit here, I think back to the adventure that reunited me with the Doctor and Zoe and introduced me to a young lassie with ginger hair named Amelia Pond. There is something familiar about this young lassie, but I can't put my finger on it. Not only did I meet a new friend, but I also was given a new lease on life. I guess I should explain what I am talking about. Embarrassing as it is, I could not move my bowels for a long time and whatever came out was in bits and pieces. The doctor Anne had contacted tried everything he could think of to get me to release my bowls, but nothing was working and told Anne that if I didn't move them soon then my bowels would explode.

"Ew," Amy said and the TARDIS agreed with her by blasting her with warm air.

Anne didn't want to upset me by telling me that I was dying, but my children and grandchildren knew. The day I met you, I was just going out for a walk and, truth be told, I wasn't feeling all that well. I guess, like a horse, I knew that it was time and was going to go find somewhere to lay down these old bones.

(Don't worry. Hannah went off to play with her cousins and didn't read that.)

I was stunned when I saw the TARDIS and felt like a lass when I passed out after seeing the Doctor again. He did tell me that I was severely constipated, but he could fix it and I never felt so good taking a shite in my life afterwards!

"That's too much information, Jamie!" she said and the TARDIS grumbled a laugh.

Now, after the Doctor returned me to my timeline, I had two problems. One was when Hannah found out about that her grandfather used to travel through time and space with an alien time traveler in his amazing police call box and the other was how to explain to my wife what happened.

"Yeah, that would be a problem," Amy said, nodding her head.

(I'm not sure when you showed him this, or he just found it, but what you're about to read really happened.)

"Where have you been?" Anne asked in an angry tone as I placed Hannah down and gently squeezed her hand.

"I went out for a walk," I said as Anne walked closer and touched my hair.

"That was four hours ago! What did you do to your hair? You shaved your beard off."

"Aye, I cut my hair off and shaved. I dinnae ken that I needed your permission tae do that," I said with a pout and she stroked my cheek. "As for the walk, I just needed some air tae sort my head."

"It's just that…" Anne said when I looked down at Hannah and swung her hand back and forth.

"Go find your brothers, your sister and your cousins and tell them that I have a new story," I said as Hannah nodded then let go of my hand, running out of the room. Anne looked at me when I moved closer and slid my arms around her waist. "Right, I think it's time for us tae clear something up. I ken what you are nae telling, but that stops now. I am nae dying."

"But the doctor…" she said and I placed my finger on her lips.

"Is wrong, is what he is. I ken my body better than he does and…" I said when I felt something move through me and smiled. "Excuse me."

Anne watched while I picked the chamber pot off the floor, walked behind the privacy screen and, after a short set of grunts, walked out from behind the privacy screen, holding the chamber pot in my hands.

"Look, Mama, I pooped!" I said with a big grin and she looked into the chamber pot.

"Yes, I see that. Now, go put your trousers on!" she said with a laugh and I nodded, headed to the table, placed the chamber pot on the table, washed my hands then went back behind the privacy screen.

"Oh, Jamie, that was disgusting!" Amy said and rolled her eyes.

When I came back out from behind the privacy screen, I slid my arms around her and Anne placed her head against my shoulder.

"Is that the first time?" she asked and I laughed.

"No, I went before. You should have seen it."

"No, I think I'll pass," she said with a laugh and I nodded. Taking her face in my hands, I kissed her lips then placed my forehead against hers and smiled. "So, are you going to tell me where you've been?"

"I will once Hannah comes back."

"And you're sure you're alright?"

"Aye, I'm fine, but I also ken why I couldn't poo."

"Why?"

"It was during my walk. I was thinking aboot what I had been doing differently to cause all this. That's when it hit me. There was something missing."

"And that was?"

"Parritch, I havenae had any in weeks. See, I've had parritch for breakfast all my life. It's something Highlanders usually eat tae keep…well…it helps to go and I asked Mrs. Connolly tae give me parritch for breakfast after I first came here. She did until she left and her daughter took over as head of the house then she left and her daughter took over."

"But Elisabeth left….," she said when she came to the same conclusion I did and I softly smiled.

"She left a few weeks ago and I havenae had parritch since. I had asked for it, but Mrs. Kincaide keeps forgetting tae make it. Ah, dinnae get mad, Sassenach, she didnae mean any harm!"

"She didn't mean any harm?! Jamie, you were going to die!"

"Aye, but now I'm nae," I said and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I still don't understand why."

Before I could answer her, a low wheezing and grinding sound filled the air and I held her against me. Her eyes were wide when the TARDIS appeared and I grinned so wide I thought my face was going to split in half.

"What is that?!" she demanded while pointing at the TARDIS and the door opened. The Doctor came out as he looked around then saw us and walked closer. I wasn't sure why he was wearing a tuxedo, a white scarf and a top hat, but he looked dapper and took the top hat off, placing it under his arm.

"That was what he wore to my wedding after I remembered him," she whispered and the TARDIS grumbled in agreement.

"Hello, Jamie, nice to see you again. Unless this is before I saw you again," he said, getting confused and I laughed.

"No, Doctor, you just left a few minutes ago," I said and Anne started shaking.

"I think your wife needs to sit down. This is your wife, right?" he asked.

"Aye, this is my Anne," I said then turned her so she was looking at me. "Anne, do you remember those tales I told you and the children aboot a clever man in a magic blue box?"

"Yes," she said with a nod of her head.

"I'm real," the Doctor said then turned and pointed to the TARDIS. "And this is my magic blue box!"

Taking Anne's hand, I led her to the TARDIS as she gently touched the soft wood then looked inside and her mouth dropped open. The Doctor led the way as we went inside and the TARDIS purred around us.

"Oh my word, it's bigger on the inside!" Anne said and the Doctor rolled his eyes. I figured he had heard that often enough and I sat Anne down on the chair that the TARDIS provided for her. "This is really yours?"

"Yes, she is. Well, technically, I stole her, but that's not the point! The point is that I am the Doctor and Jamie did travel with me for a while," he said as Anne looked at me and I nodded. She stood up as I sat down then placed her on my lap and wrapped my arms around her.

"When did Jamie meet the man in my story?" I asked and the Doctor gave me a confused look.

"You told stories about me?"

"Aye, I did, and have a new one tae tell them once Hannah goes and get the rest of the children."

"Wait, Hannah knows about all this?!" Anne asked and I nodded.

"She was here when I brought Jamie home," the Doctor said then knelt down on his haunches in front of the chair. Anne looked at him then around the room when she placed her hand on his knee and smiled.

"Jamie always said that the Doctor took good care of his friends and made sure they were safe," she said and he actually blushed.

"Yes, I do, though things happen and they sometimes get hurt."

"Did you take care of what was wrong with Jamie?" she asked and he stood up, looking at me.

"Yeah, I did," he said while Anne stood up and hugged him. He hushed her as she started crying and I shrugged. He gently took her by the shoulders then gave her a serious look and locked eyes with her. "He isn't going to die."

"I believe you," she said and he smiled, kissing her cheek.

"Doctor, where is Amy?" I asked when I realized that you weren't there and he scratched the back of his neck. "Amy's the one he's traveling with now."

"I see," Anne said and the Doctor walked to the console.

"Doctor, where is she?" I asked and he walked around the console, pushing buttons and moving levers.

"She's home. In fact, I was on my way to her wedding when I thought I'd drop back here and help you explain what happened," he said and I knew he was hiding something. Whatever it was, he didn't want to talk about it and I nodded.

"I have a wedding present for her," I said when I ran into the room and went to the desk. The odd thing was I couldn't find this journal. It was like it disappeared and I scratched my head then walked back into the TARDIS. "I cannae find it."

"That's ok. I'm sure she'll get it," he said then turned and led us to the door. "Right, crisis solved and I really have to go. I'll give Amelia a kiss from you. Now, off you go."

We left the TARDIS then backed away when he stopped closing the door and looked toward the window.

"Who is that?" he asked as Anne turned around and saw Daniel standing in front of the window.

"That's my brother, Daniel," she said.

"He's a ghost," he said then shrugged and closed the door. We watched the TARDIS disappear and Anne held me around my waist. Daniel walked closer as he blinked then wiggled his fingers and pointed.

"That was the Doctor," I said and his eyes went wide. He wiggled his fingers and I laughed. "Aye, he's real." He wiggled fingers again and I nodded. "Aye and I used to travel with him."

"Bugger," he mouthed and vanished. Anne and I had been teaching him how to form words with his mouth as Anne placed her head on my shoulder and I kissed her hair.

"So that's what he was doing before he showed up," Amy said and turned the page.

That night I was lying while listening to the soft sound of the fire crackling when I felt the bed shifting and Anne gently climbed on top of me, sliding her hands under my shoulders. The children were amazed by my story about the Tri Eye and Hannah softly giggled because the Jamie in the story brought his youngest granddaughter, whose name just happened to be Hannah, with him.

"Are you sure that you're alright?" Anne asked as I gently brushed the hair behind her ears and a small shiver moved through her.

"Aye," I said while nodding my head and brushed some hair behind her ear. "But, seeing that you're an expert on this body of mine, why dinnae you see for yourself?"

Moving down a little, she placed her head on my chest as I gently stroked her hair and she smiled, placing her hands on my shoulder.

"What's it telling you?"

"It's telling me that you're happy."

"How can you tell?"

"You're relaxed. You're breathing softly. Your skin's warm. Your heart beats in a soft and steady rhythm. And, um, I can hear your stomach growling."

"It's supposed tae, aye?"

"Yes, and that's why the doctor was so concerned. There was no sound and your stomach was rock hard."

"But now it's nae?"

"No, your stomach's soft and making all these noises."

"Which is a good thing," I said and she smiled.

"Yes, but, to be on the safe side, I told Angus to fetch the doctor after breakfast tomorrow."

"But I'm fine!" I said, getting angry.

"I know, but I just want to be sure."

"I did a large poop just before bed."

"I know. Do you know how long it's been since I heard you grunt like that?" she asked and I moved my fingers up and down her arms.

"Are you talking aboot when I poop or when we're rutting around like piggies?" I asked and she placed her head against his chest, shaking her head.

"You are such a child!" she said and I wiggled my eyebrows up and down.

"Aye, I am full of mischief," I said then sighed, gently moving my fingers through her hair. "Um, Anne, do you love me?"

"Of course I do. Where is this coming from?" she asked, moving up my body and looked at me. The firelight softened his features as I blinked and started chewing on the fingernail of my right hand.

"Well, it's been a long time since we were rutting like piggies. I thought it was because you're tired of me."

"No, I am not tired of you."

"Then why havenae you wanted me in your bed?"

"Um…" she said softly as I titled my head to one side and she looked down, moving a finger along my chest. "It's because I don't want you to be disappointed."

"Disappointed, how on God's green Earth could I be disappointed?!"

"With my body," she sighed and my eyes went wide.

"Anne Elizabeth Catherine Watertin-McCrimmon, I adore your body!" I said and she looked down at my chest.

"But I'm old."

"What I am then, a spring chick?" I asked and she giggled. She moved closer when I started kissing her and the fire crackled softly in the background.

"Ok, I do NOT want to hear anymore!" Amy said then smiled and turned the page.

22 September 1795

Now I have a question for you. Do you or the Doctor know someone named River Song?

"River?!" Amy asked as she sat up and the TARDIS growled.

The reason I'm asking is because I met her and took a disliking to her. Whoever she is, please keep the Doctor away from her.

"Hello, Sweetie," was what I heard while I was out watching the horses running in the paddock and turned around, looking at her. She was wearing this blue dress, but had something on her wrist and had something in her hands.

"Who are you?" I asked as she stopped next to me and what was in her hands looked like a journal in the shape of the TARDIS.

"You are Jamie McCrimmon, right?" she asked and I gave her a blank look.

"Who wants tae ken?"

"I am Doctor River Song and I have something of yours," she said then took my journal out of her purse.

"Where did you get this?!" I demanded and grabbed her arm.

"Spoilers," she said as she jerked her arm away and smiled at me. That smile made my skin crawl and she seemed to know it. "So I am right. You are Jamie, though you look a lot older than you were when you traveled with the Doctor. That's the problem with my diary. I keep meeting people in reverse."

"What are you on aboot?"

"Well, I'm something of a traveler and I meet people sometimes out of order. Well, I have to go. Don't forget to put our meeting in there. I'm sure Amy would love to hear all about it," she said then walked away and I looked at the journal. When I looked up, she was gone and a cold chill ran through me.

"Shit," Amy said when the air grew cold and she placed the bookmark in the journal, closed it and saw the Doctor walking toward her. He stopped in front of her when he placed his hands behind his back and bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. "Do you need something?"

"Yes, I need you to come and help me move something," he said and she sighed.

"Can't Rory help you?"

"Ah, see, that's the problem. Rory is stuck under what I need you to help me move," he said as she sighed, got up and took his hand and they headed for the door.