Once I finally came to, the first thing I saw was Butters leaning over me, his concern as evident as the tears in his eyes. Man, this kid cries easily.
When Butters noticed that my eyes were open, he couldn't hold his tears back anymore and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my shoulder. I patted his back comfortingly, looking up at Terrance and Phillip, who were sitting on the bed chatting with one another. I heard something about "queef bitches" before they turned to us.
"Well, you did it." Terrance said, smiling at me, "Now go and use your anus for the good of mankind"
Butters looked from me to the Canadian celebrities in confusion. I simply nodded, walking out of the cottage.
"And remember." Phillip added, "Never, ever fart on a man's balls."
I nodded again, this time bowing in gratitude. Butters followed my lead, and we both left Vancouver, heading for the Catacombs of Quebec just northeast of Ottawa. On the way, Butters bugged me about what his (and every other young boy in South Park's) idols taught me, but I just shook my head, telling him that he'd see for himself soon enough.
Almost as soon as we entered the Catacombs, we were faced with a stone wall that blocked our path.
"Aw, hamburgers." Butters muttered, looking up at the wall, which rose all the way to the ceiling, "How're we gonna get through that?"
I looked up at the wall as well. I could tell that Butters couldn't see them, but I could. The glowing green cracks running up the wall, a sign of its weakness to the power of Nagasaki. I held out my hand, signaling for Butters to stand back. Then, I knelt in front of the wall, my ass pointed at it like a cannon. Finding the right frequency, I quickly stored the magic in my body and unleashed it, completely demolishing the wall. I brushed my hands over my cloak to remove the dirt and turned back to Butters. He was staring at me with eyes the size of dinner plates, his jaw hitting the floor. I arched an eyebrow at him.
"S-Sage…" he muttered, confusion in his voice giving way to awe, "…that…was…AWESOME!" He then glomped me, nearly knocking me to the ground. "Is that the technique Terrance and Phillip taught you?" When I nodded, he practically squealed, "That's amazing! When this war is over, you've GOT to use that on the Grand Wizard's castle! That'd be hilarious!"
I walked down the corridor, dragging the still-rambling Butters along with me. As we approached the entrance to a wider area of the Catacombs, we were met with a large group of Dire Animals (four Dire Snakes, three Dire Wolves, and two Dire Bears).
"Oh Christ, what a pickle!" Butters cried, staring at the large group of animals as they prepared to attack.
"Oh Christ indeed." I thought, telling Butters to get back as I pulled out a strand of beads. Their purpose was clear.
Remember when I said that I had visited an old friend that I had not seen in many years after helping the underpants gnome collect underpants? He gave me these beads so that I could summon him if I needed help. I couldn't count on him for really tough fights, but he could handle a battle like this with ease. I held up the rosary beads, the cross gleaming in the darkness of the cave.
Suddenly, the roof of the cave seemed to split open as the sun shined down upon us. Then, from the clouds, flew none other than Jesus Christ himself. The Messenger of Christianity landed heavily on the ground, putting on a pair of sunglasses and pulling out a machine gun, mowing down the group of animals that opposed us. They didn't stand a chance.
"Oh Lord Jesus…" Butters mumbled. He clearly had not been expecting this, although I can hardly blame him.
"You are safe now, my son." Jesus replied, smiling at us as he took off his sunglasses. In my mind, I heard his voice ring out loud and clear.
I am glad that you summoned me, Dragonborn. This land is indeed in great peril. I shall see what I can do about the corruption that has taken hold of this great nation.
I smiled.
Please do. I may be able to unite people, but I cannot turn them back from their harmful ways on my own. The Canadians need your guidance more than my power.
You are as wise as ever, my brother. I shall do what I can for Canada. I trust you to stop the evil gathering in South Park. Also, give my regards to L. Ron Hubbarb.
I nodded to my fellow messenger, and he nodded in return, replacing his sunglasses over his eyes and leaping back into the sky, the cave ceiling closing behind him.
"He always did know how to make an entrance." I thought, smiling in amusement as I turned back to Butters, who was still gawking at the ceiling. At my urging, he followed me deeper into the cave, gradually shaking off his shock and awe.
"Gee whiz…" he panted, the adrenaline from his divine encounter starting to wear off. I put my hand on his back to steady him as we entered the dark chamber. I activated the sight, although I kept it weak so that I didn't startle the Minister, who I knew was in there. Underneath my hand, Butters flinched. He was still a little bit sensitive to it.
Looking back into the darkness, I saw a Canadian chained to the wall by his wrists. He was squinting at me, as if trying to figure out what the little red lights in the entrance to his prison cell were. I pulled my hood further over my eyes, dulling the glow. Even though I couldn't see as clearly, I could see well enough to cut the chains that bound the Minister's wrists.
"Qui êtes-vous?" he asked me. I didn't speak French, but I got the feeling he was asking who I was.
"Uh…Hello, sir." Butters mumbled cautiously, still not really able to see the Minister, "We're here to release you, but we need you to translate something."
The Minister squinted at us, seeming to ponder a) Why two children were releasing him and b) Should he trust us. He then nodded, seeing as he didn't really have any other options.
Since the Minister (obviously) couldn't see the abortion records in the pitch-black darkness, we led him to the entrance. Steering clear of Ottawa (for fear of the Prince finding out about the Minister's escape), we found a clearing in the wilderness. After offing a few Dire Animals, we handed him the records, along with a pencil and a blank sheet of paper that we brought with us. The Minister looked at the document, then at the paper and pencil, then at us like we were insane.
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?" he asked us. I just gestured to a relatively flat log as Butters explained.
"We need you to translate this for us." he said slowly, hoping the Minister would understand. The Minister eyed us curiously before shrugging and writing down the English translation on the other piece of paper.
"Okay!" he said happily, handing us the finished translation and walking away, waving and smiling happily, "Merci beaucoup!" We just waved back, heading for the US-Canadian border. On the way, we stopped by Ike's parent's house to thank them for their hospitality.
"Take care, you two!" the couple called after us. We smiled at them (well, Butters did) and headed out of Ottawa. Before we got too far, we heard Ike's mother call, "And please look after Pe…Ike…please look after Ike for us!" We nodded.
When we reached the border, the mounty guarding it opened the gate. "Had enough of Canada, eh? Can't say I blame you." he said as we passed through. Butters waved at him cheerfully. I just nodded, my trademark apathetic look once again in place.
Once we finally made it back to South Park, it was nearly sunset. Knowing that we didn't have much time before we had to return home (so Butters' parents wouldn't ground him again), we made our way to the girls' base.
"Butters! New Kid! You're back!" Wendy exclaimed when she saw us enter. All of the girls turned to look at us. "Did you get the document translated?"
I nodded, handing her the translated document. As she looked over it, the rest of the girls crowded around us.
"You have the Prince AND Princess of Canada as your friends on Facebook!?" one of the girls squealed excitedly.
"Terrance and Phillip, too!" another added, looking at me with admiration, and I could've sworn she was blushing. I just kept a blank poker face, expertly hiding my annoyance at the high-pitched squealing, although I could sense Butters getting nervous. I doubt he'll ever get over his jealousy, not that I'm complaining.
"Hey, girls! Check this out!" Wendy called, summoning the other girls back to her. I sighed internally. I could swear that foam was starting to form at the corners of their mouths.
"See? Right here it says that five women were in the clinic that day-" Wendy began, pointing to a section of the paper.
"And right there it says Nancy Turner, 3:30 pm!" a girl with a purple jacket exclaimed, looking around at the other girls for confirmation.
"That's Heidi's mom!" Red gasped, eyes wide, "So Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch!" The other girls nodded in agreement.
"The evidence is irrefutable." Wendy said calmly, gaining everyone's attention once more, "It was Heidi Turner who was spreading the rumors all along."
"Freaking whore!" one of the girls yelled angrily.
"Two-faced butt rag!" another growled.
"Fuck Heidi Turner and her fucking two-faced ass!" Bebe snarled, her tone especially brutal.
I noticed Butters looking off to the side, so I followed his gaze to find a girl with long gray-brown hair and a light green jacket with red gloves. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. Butters looked like he felt sorry for her. I felt a twinge of jealousy in my core, but I kept a straight face, reminding myself that sympathy was a major part of Butters' personality. That must be Heidi.
As the chorus of insults died down, Wendy spoke again. "But Heidi's really sorry, so we're deciding to forgive her." Really? Wow, that was quick…
"I love you guys so much!" Heidi cried happily, tears falling down her face.
"We love you too, Heidi!" Bebe said, her friendly tone back again. I sweatdropped. You're all a bunch of two-faced bitches, if you ask me. Butters just smiled.
"You have served us well, New Kid, so you have our services." Wendy told me. The other girls nodded in agreement. "Tell the boys we will play their game." She then banged her gavel on her desk. "Sparkle!"
"Sunshine!" the girls all chorused in response. I nodded in thanks, my poker face still in place. Butters grinned happily.
"Aw, thanks girls. We'll let the kings know." he said, grabbing my hand and walking out the door, stopping only to call back, "Make sure to get cool costumes in preparation for the final battle!"
"Will do!" Wendy replied, and we left, heading back to the Elven Forest. As soon as we came through the door to the backyard, we were immediately surrounded by humans and elves alike.
"You're back!" one of the elves exclaimed.
"Are you guys okay?" Token asked, glancing at the scar on my eye as he remembered my fight with the Bard. I saw Tweek standing close behind him, still unusually quiet and looking depressed. I signaled Butters to comfort the coffee addict while I spoke with the leaders.
"Well, look who's back." a familiar voice spoke to me. I turned to see Stan approaching me. "You finally get the girls on our side?"
I nodded, not failing to notice the hint of nervousness in his voice at the mention of the girls.
He looked at me, noticing the odd look I was giving him, and sighed. "The girls' leader, Wendy, was my off-and-on girlfriend for a time. I don't think she's forgiven me for breaking up with her. None of them have, actually."
I nodded in understanding, turning to look at Stan's secret boyfriend, who was, at that moment, arguing with the Grand Wizard. Stan and I walked over to them, gaining their attention.
"Commander Douchebag! You have returned!" Kyle exclaimed when he saw me.
"Where are the girls, Commander Douchebag?" Cartman asked, getting straight to the point.
Being a man (boy) and few (no) words, I simply pulled up my Facebook page, where the girls could be seen discussing the battle (or, rather, what to wear to the battle). The two kings smiled at my success. The Elven King went over to the base of his throne, his loyal warrior guard at his side.
"Everyone, listen up!" he called, slamming his staff on the first step of the platform. Everyone in the kingdom turned toward him. "The girls have agreed to fight by our side!" he announced, raising his arms. The kingdom erupted in cheers, accompanied by several awed gasps at my accomplishment. They clearly didn't think I could do it, as determined by some frustrated groans and mumbles of "There goes my allowance for the week…"
"The Pirates and the Federation factions are standing by to fight as well, my Lord." Stan informed his King, looking at his iPhone.
"Then the time for talk is over!" Cartman yelled, "Let us make haste to Clyde's House!"
"I don't think so." I thought, looking at the rapidly-darkening sky. As if on cue, Kyle's mother appeared in the doorway.
"It's time for bed, Bubbala." she called, eliciting laughs form several of the boys in the yard.
"Mom!" Kyle yelled, embarrassed.
"You boys better get home, too. Your parents are worried sick." Kyle's mother addressed the rest of us.
At her command, everyone dispersed, seeming to know better that to argue with the hot-headed Jewish woman, whom I had heard rumors about. Stan headed inside with Kyle in order to "discuss the battle plans" for tomorrow. I hid a knowing smile, looking around for Butters, only to find him still comforting Tweek. Nodding to myself, I messaged Butters' parents, asking them to let Butters stay at Tweek's for the night.
As we were all walking back home, I saw Butters check his phone out of the corner of my eye, his eyes widening at the message he had received. I knew it was his parents giving him permission to have a sleepover with Tweek when he turned to look at me with an odd mixture of shock and appreciation. Tweek, reading the message over Butters' shoulder, also looked at me, smiling in gratitude. He knew I was responsible. I simply pretended not to notice, although they both caught the sideways glance I sent their way.
After I got back to my house, I was greeted by my parents, my dad scolding me for not answering as usual. Making my way up to my room, I checked my phone to see a message from Butters thanking me for arranging the sleepover with Tweek. I told him to take care of the caffeine addict, and after he texted me goodnight, I typed a message to someone who really needed to be snapped back to his senses.
