"What hurts the most,
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you just walk away."
-What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts
Jacob Black POV
Three weeks. That's how long it's been since Leah and I had a full conversation. Or been in a room together for more than five minutes. Or interacted in any way, shape, or form. She was avoiding me. And it was the most inconvenient thing that she could ever do.
I wish she could've just told me that she didn't love me. That I would've understood. That I could've handled. But no, Leah Clearwater, ever making my life complicated, has to put me through hell. The torture of not knowing how she really feels.
Leah has always been open about her feelings towards me. In the beginning playful annoyance. It was all just a game then. When she joined my pack it was a safe camaraderie. When she came back to La Push she was my best friend. And now...
Well, now I have no fucking idea.
I guess I've always loved Leah. I knew I cared about her. But I didn't really know the magnitude of my feelings for her. I knew I thought she was beautiful. I knew I'd been crushing on her. But still.
When she'd disappeared to Hawaii- before I knew where she'd gone- I'd gone a little insane with worry. I started imagining the worst case scenario. I'd actually considered the idea that Leah may have killed herself. That's when I started thinking what I would do without her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she was dead. It was my job as her alpha to protect her, and I'd failed. It was more than that, though. I loved her. I loved her more than anything. I didn't know why, or when, or how it had happened, but I'd fallen in love with her. And this not-quite-rejection, not-quite-acceptance was killing me. I needed to know.
I had a feeling that Leah wouldn't allow me in close proximity of her for a long time.
It seemed we always had this problem. We refused to talk about the issues between us, and let them sit there until it blew up in our faces. We never dealt with the obstacles put before us, we kind of just worked around them and kept moving. It wasn't safe, and it wasn't healthy. It needed to stop. I should've done something. I wanted to do something. But it seemed as if I'd done everything I could. I'd called, and she'd hung up on me. I'd tried to talk to her and she'd weaseled out of it. So what else was there to do?
I was in my car before I'd even really thought about going somewhere. She had to be somewhere on the reservation. I tried the beach, but she wasn't there. I tried her house, but it was only Seth, saying Sue had taken Jayme out to Seattle for the day. He was sure Leah hadn't gone with them, but he had no idea where she was. Real helpful, Seth. Really.
I exited the Clearwater house, defeated. It would be hard to find her if she didn't want to be found. Something caught my attention from the woods behind the house. I ran off towards the sound of music- the strumming of a guitar.
I smelled her before I saw her. After catching her scent, it wasn't hard to pinpoint her location. She was sitting on a boulder, playing guitar. That was odd. I watched her for a few minutes. She seemed totally engrossed in the music. I slowly approached her, hoping that she would finish before she saw me.
Her ears still must have been stronger than human ears because her head whipped around. She scowled when she saw me. I chose to ignore that.
"I didn't know you played," I said.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, Black," she snapped, setting the guitar down next to her. Her expression had softened, though, and she smiled seemingly to herself. "My dad taught me to play. I haven't picked up the guitar since the funeral, though. I found it in the back of my closet, so I came out here to be alone." She obviously meant something by the last comment, but I chose to ignore that too.
"Leah..."
"If you're going to say we need to talk...well...I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to say."
"Well, I do," I said. "So just listen to me. You don't need to talk, just hear me out. I meant what I said the other day on the beach. You know me, Leah. I don't lie. And you can pretend that you didn't feel anything when I kissed you, but you and I both know that you did. You'd be lying to yourself if you said that there was nothing there. I'm here, and I'm willing to try this if you are. I love you. It might sound crazy, but I do. I can't help the way I feel about you. I'm sorry about the way I went about telling you. There were better ways to do it...I just..."
"Jacob, stop," she said, lifting her hand. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't love you. I do. But right now...I'm confused. I don't know how I love you...in what way...And you know that I've been hurt before, Jake. I'm trying to be everything that I need to be for Jayme, and for you...and...I know I'm not doing a good job, I just...this is me, Jake. I'm broken. I'm ruined. I've tried to fix myself, and I just can't. I'm done trying, because this is who I am now. It doesn't matter what I do," she said, her voice weakening little by little. I hated Sam for doing this to her. For hurting her. For breaking her. "Right now...I just can't be doing this. If you give me time..." Like I hadn't heard that before. This was starting to be a total repeat of Bella. This time it just hurt more. Maybe it was because I chose to love Leah. With Bella, there was never a choice. Renesmee was a part of Bella, and that's the whole reason I was attracted to her in the first place. So I was almost glad that Bella didn't choose me. We would have been happy, sure. But it's nothing compared to what I could have with Leah. If she'd only give me a chance.
But knowing Leah, she wouldn't.
And that's what hurt the most.
A/N: I'm sorry it's so short, but this was one of those chapters where I sat down to write, and was like...'so...where the hell do I go from here?'.
So now you know what's going on in Jacob's head.
In between these two chapters, I got my 500th review. Thank you guys so much! I would never have had the inspiration to continue this story if it weren't for your never-ending support and praise. Writing is something I really enjoy and it's even better when people appreciate it. This chapter is dedicated to Kei Kat Jones, AimeexLauren, MrsBlaCKwiFe, inthehallwaywithjeans, jacobblackismineduh, liljenrocks, teeesah, and ari11990 who have been epic reviewers since the beginning. Thanks, ladies, and please stay awesome :)
Oh my God I'm so sorry about this chapter. I do not like it at all, but this is the best it's going to get for now.
So please review, even if you hate it, tell me. Don't hold back.
Okay...maybe hold back a little :)
