Author's Note: Despite the chapter title, no games of mahjongg are played in the chapter.
Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece.
One very ordinary day on the Grand Line, Enlai was carrying a box with a squirrel on it. Why? Because the world needs more boxes with squirrels on them, unlike all of the stuff today that has birds on things. Fortunately, your authoress has nothing against Portlandia and the sketch "Put a Bird on It".
"Hey, everybody, get out here! Baka Wolfgang, this may or may not apply to you, so, put up and shut up!" Enlai called out. Kartik entered the common room first, because he was wearing a fancy, white suit with a black tie.
"Kartik, why are you dressed so nice? This isn't The Great Gatsby," Enlai pointed out.
"All my other clothes are in the laundry," Kartik explained. On the deck of the Hyperion, Nami was hand-washing Kartik's IZOD polos, DKNY polos, Tommy Hilfiger polos, Ralph Lauren polos, Dior polos, Armani polos, Guess? Polos, Dolce and Gabbana polos, Neiman Marcus polos, Prada polos, Burberry polos, Lacoste polos, Sperry polos, Burberry coats, Burberry suits, Hugo Boss suits, Armani suits, Prada pants, Armani pants, Guess? Pants, Neiman Marcus pants, Tommy Hilfiger pants, Dior pants, Dolce and Gabbana pants, DKNY pants, Hugo Boss shoes, Armani shoes, Armani ties, Gucci ties, Prada ties, and Swatch watches.
"I'm seriously going to steal all of Kartik's clothes, sell them on Ebay, and have enough money to retire to Halifax," Nami said to herself. Back inside, Z.G. entered, looking teary-eyed.
"Leave Britney Spears alone!" Z.G. cried to Blaise, who was entering the room with a bucket of fried chicken and Tinkertoys.
"Uhh… What did I miss?" Blaise asked Z.G., Kartik, and Enlai.
"Uhh… You missed Adventure Time," Enlai answered as he snapped his fingers.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Blaise shouted before Akari and a hungover Thierry entered the room.
"Not so loud," Thierry told Blaise as Ageha entered.
"I know what will cure this hangover!" Ageha said as she got out ingredients to make Bloody Marys.
"Booze?" Thierry said hopefully with sparkles in his eyes and his hands clasped. Ageha said nothing as she got out a small bottle and poured its contents into a glass of water. She held the water up to the viewers. (Read: You.)
"Make it yours. Make it MiO," Ageha told the audience before throwing the colored water at Kazuma.
"Is this some type of holiday celebrated in the Soul Society?" Kazuma asked everyone. All eyes turned to Kazuma, who was dripping wet with purple water.
"Because I'm in a content mood, I won't tell you how much of an aggressive seme you look like today with that T-shirt on," Blaise explained. Hana poked her head in through the doorframe.
"Did somebody say 'seme'?" Hana asked evilly. Enlai, Kartik, Z.G., Blaise, Akari, Thierry, Ageha, and Kazuma gasped.
"No, we didn't! We said 'semi-formal'. We're discussing dress codes for country clubs," Blaise lied.
"Up-bup-bup, I hear yaoi terms when I hear them," Hana said as she, Drusilla, Kaoru, Mina, and Rubio entered.
"You're speaking nonsense," Ageha said as she began chopping vegetables, thereby, making Sebastian lose his job.
"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked the narrator, obviously P.O.'ed.
"Speak for yourself," Rubio said as the rest of the Capricorns entered the room.
"Okay, what the hell did I miss? Kartik's in a suit, Thierry's hungover, Ageha took Sebastian's job, Hana's in her yaoi mode, and Kazuma has some purple liquid all over him," Yuki-Rin asked everyone.
"I just want everyone to play mahjongg together so I can have an excuse to humiliate Shitty Katsuragi," Enlai said with a cheesy smile on his face. While he was talking, his clothes magically became Lavi's clothes from D. Gray-man. Nobody spoke.
"A gay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns! Planet unicorn! Unicorn planet! Give it up for feathers! Ooh, Cadillac! And, Tom Cruise!" Blaise sang. All eyes turned to him.
"Was that gay boy you, Blaise?" Hana asked Blaise.
"How long were you under the illusion that I was a gay boy named Shannon who wished for a planet filled with unicorns?" Blaise asked everyone as he shifted his eyes back and fourth.
And, then, the Capricorns decided to rehearse for a play they weren't in!
"And, here I am. My heart breaking. Forced to splinter. Forced to began," Matsu read from a script. (1)
"I don't know where that's from," Yuki-Rin said, tilting her head.
"Me neither. Let's just say it's from some musical, because it sounds like it does," Kazuma explained.
"Okey-dokey!" Yuki-Rin said. Daisuke's face turned to shock.
"Oh, God! DO NOT tell Kartik about this!" Daisuke told everyone but Kartik.
"Tell him what? He's right here, dumbass!" Yulia pointed out. Then, the CP9 entered with tons of Chinese food.
"I've got a catering delivery for Daisuke Saburo!" Blueno announced.
"My name's Borat. I like you. I like sex," Gareth introduced himself to Blueno, who put him in handcuffs.
"What the broken toaster?" Gareth cried.
"I've been watching you, Gareth. You pretended to be Borat, Billy Mays, Kisuke Urahara, AND Yoruichi Shihounen. We'll pretend the last one didn't happen for reasons very obvious to Bleach fans," Blueno explained. Then, the CP9 danced funkily to the Usher song "Yeah".
"Okay, now what?" Holden asked everyone. Funkfreed – an elephant for those of you that thought Spandam was schizophrenic because he talked to his sword – was sucking on his head.
"Your bill comes out to $32.36," Kalifa explained as she read off Daisuke's bill for all of the Chinese food he bought. Daisuke struck Kalifa so hard, she fell to the floor.
"Bitch, I'm a thief. I can steal this food for free," Daisuke explained. Kalifa got back up, unintentionally giving everyone a view of her panties.
"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled as SHE struck Daisuke to the ground. Daisuke got back up, unintentionally giving everyone a view of his panda-covered boxers.
"Your mom thinks that's sexual harassment!" Daisuke argued. Everyone "oohed".
"Burned," Spandam commented. Kaku stomped his foot.
"I have no time for this! I'm going to go see Lestat!" Kaku said before he left the Hyperion. Lucci facepalmed.
"Aw, hell naw. Not Lestat. Anything BUT Lestat," Lucci said before he and the CP9 left the ship in search of Kaku.
"Does Kaku realize that there are better musicals out there such as Phantom of the Opera, Lés Miserables, Moulin Rouge, Wicked, Sweeny Todd, Nine, Annie, My Fair Lady, Little Shop of Horrors, Mamma Mia!, Evita, A Little Night Music, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Fame, Rent, The Sound of Music, Oklahoma, The Princess and the Frog, Hairspray, West Side Story, Chicago, The Music Man, Newsies, Fiddler on the Roof, Dancer in the Dark, Oliver!, The King and I, Guys and Dolls, South Pacific, and Bleach Rock Musical?" Kartik asked everyone.
"Kartik, dude, you left American Idiot out!" Heathcliffe pointed out.
"And, you left out Repo! The Genetic Opera!" Yuki-Rin cried.
"Where's Love Never Dies? I thought you were a Phantom of the Opera fan," Thierry asked Kartik, who glared at him.
"That musical is NOT canon!" Kartik shouted as if he were possed by an Akuma, which is a D. Gray-man reference for the people at home who don't know.
"Well, then, let's eat all of this food before it gets cold or warm," Daisuke said.
"Thank God, I'm starving!" Yuki-Rin said before Daisuke began serving the food.
"How odd, we didn't play mahjongg like the chapter title said," Kazuma commented. Hana nudged him in his side.
"Don't say stuff like that, or the authoress will extend this oneshot!" Hana advised. But, the authoress did the right thing and ended the oneshot right now. You're welcome, Capricorn Pirates.
Ending Note: (1) - Can somebody please tell me where the line - I know I got it wrong - "And, here I am. My heart breaking. Forced to splinter. Forced to began." comes from? I heard it in one of those Hetalia crack videos, and I am very curious as to where it's from.
Review if you want to see stuff such as the CP9 getting funky, the Capricorns in their own musical, or even a spoof of Great Expectations.
