Be sure to visit my page on the DeGrassi Saviors website to vote for which story will replace Waiting on a Spark that hasn't Happened Yet when that ends. You have three choices and there are brief descriptions for each story in the poll. The poll will remain up until the last chapter of Waiting on a Spark that hasn't Happened Yet goes up which might be as few as four weeks or as many as ten it all depends on how much goes into these last few chapters. Love Me Back to Life and The Girls Next Door continue to stay within a few votes of the other so make sure to get your votes in.

Well I didn't have to work today but the long and crazy week left me fairly burnt out and this chapter is a bit on the short side still.

Ch. 29 Forever's Been & Gone

(CLARE)

My phone starts ringing as I hear Fitz leave my room. Jeff's phone rings a couple of times before he answers.

"Hey."

"Hi, about last night I'm sorry for kicking you out I just…we lost a friend and I need some time. Zig's death was hard and I need some space to deal. Fitz is right though I'll regret it later if I push you away now and I don't want to do that. You drove all the way here to see me and make sure I was okay and I was rude to you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't just tell you I needed some space to grieve and deal."

"Okay I get that but you wouldn't answer my calls or texts or e-mails and I was worried. I didn't even know you'd been shot," Jeff replies. When he says the word shot the whole scene with Vince under the bridge and us running from him replays in my mind. I close my eyes and bite my lip, suddenly my leg is searing and I put it under some pillows but can't find the words to reply to Jeff. "Clare?" He asks when I don't respond after a couple of minutes.

"I'm here," I choke out.

"You're obviously going through a lot and need some space so why don't you call me when you want me again, if you do," Jeff says and hangs up. I set down my and shut my eyes tight just as Fitz comes back in my room.

"Clare? What's wrong? Did Jeff upset you?" Fitz asks and I shake my head. "Then what's wrong?" He questions and I shake my head again. "Is your leg hurting?" He asks and I nod. "I'll get you some aspirin but you need to eat something Clare," Fitz insists and I shake my head again. "Clare you need to eat."

"Not hungry," I reply wiping my eyes, "I feel sick."

"Fine at least drink some water," Fitz says handing me the water bottle. He pulls me up a little and sits behind me so I'm leaning against him as I drink. "You want to talk about your conversation with Jeff?" Fitz ventures and I shake my head.

"Where's Adam?"

"He was in the living room eating a few minutes ago do you want me to get him?" Fitz asks and I nod. Fitz gets up and goes out to the living room and returns a moment later with my twin. Adam doesn't say anything when he comes in my room. He knows there's nothing to say, he just lies on the bed with me. "Try to get her to eat something," Fitz says before leaving my room.

Adam and I lie on my bed for a while, we don't say anything, we barely move we're just together. Right now we're all we need. When there's a knock at the door we're both so spaced out and mired into our own thoughts we barely hear it. Neither of us reply so the person comes in, it's Paige.

"Adam Maya's here she wants to talk to you," Paige tells him.

"You should talk to her," I encourage my brother.

Adam gets up reluctantly and leaves my room to talk to his girlfriend. Paige closes my door and I get up walking to my desk where the food is still sitting. My leg still hurts but I'm standing on it anyway, I'm sort of hoping the physical pain I feel will overwhelm everything else I'm feeling. I hear Adam arguing in his room with Maya, I can't hear what their saying but I hear Adam is angry. I poke at the food Fitz brought me but I'm really not hungry at all, I'm still poking at the food when Fitz comes back in.

"Your leg is shaking you shouldn't be standing on it for so long. Are you putting all your weight on it?"

"It's fine," I reply.

"No it isn't," Fitz says lifting me up and putting me on the desk. "You still haven't eaten."

"I told you I'm not hungry."

"At least drink some water then," Fitz asserts grabbing my water bottle just as we hear Adam's door slam and then the front door.

"Adam just left, he's going to Johnny's," I comment to Fitz.

"How do you know that I didn't hear anything?"

"I just know," I shrug.

"Right the twin thing," Fitz says holding the bottle to my lips. I drink several sips and set the bottle down. "Clare I know there's something wrong, something more than Zig's death is bothering you please talk to me. This is more than grief, you're on your leg when you're not supposed to be and I think it's more than just pushing yourself to use your again. You're trying to cause yourself pain, you're not eating, you're killing yourself," Fitz says the last part as a realization.

I bite my lip and look down, tears start flowing from eyes and I put my head down in my hands. It's enough of an answer for Fitz, I hear him sigh and he steps closer to me. He puts his hand on my knee and brushes a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Why Clare? Getting shot and almost bleeding out wasn't enough to scare you into wanting to live?"

"I never should have been alive to begin with."

"If you weren't meant to be here then you wouldn't be Clare," Fitz says and I look up at him.

"What kind of sense does that make? Zig was a good person and he died over nothing, his life was stolen does that mean he's not supposed to be here?"

"I don't know Clare; I don't think anyone can answer that. Zig died over nothing but he never told any of us that he was involved with a gang. They fired at us a lot and only one bullet hit you. If anything had changed you could have died but you didn't. I know you feel like you never should have lived but you did and if you died now do you have any idea what that would do to your brothers or the rest of us? I'm not sure that your brothers would survive that, even if they lived they would never be the same. If you die, by your own hand or otherwise you'll be taking more than just your life. Not just your brothers, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you anymore. So whether you feel like you're supposed to be here or not the rest of us need you Clare," Fitz implores.

I don't respond, I just lean on Fit and burst into tears again leaning on Fitz.

(ADAM)

"Adam Maya's here she wants to talk to you," Paige informs me.

"You should talk to her," Clare asserts.

I get up with a slight huff and leave my sister's room for mine. Maya is in here sitting on my bed and I close the door.

"You turned off your phone," Maya says quietly.

"Why are you here?"

"I was drunk Adam I wasn't thinking, I was upset over Zig's death a…"

"And you drank something that you weren't even sure what it was. You were flirting with guys and then you disappeared and when I find you you're in bed with another guy and fooling around. You were smiling Maya, you were drunk but you were conscious and some part of you had to know what you were doing. I know you're in pain because of Zig's death but so am I."

"I know Adam I just wanted to have some fun and forget about losing my friend."

"You just wanted to have some fun? There are a dozen ways you could have had fun, even gotten drunk without fooling around with another guy. Not just fooling around but you disappeared, we had to go looking for you. If we hadn't found you when we did would have gone further with Harry? Would you have gone all the way? Did you really want to forget the pain or did you just want to be physical?"

"I don't know Adam I was drunk I wasn't thinking. I was just going with it but I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I spent a week holding you and watching you, being your rock while you grieved over Zig's death and then you cheat on me because you were just going with it?! I can't talk to you right now; I don't want to look at you right now."

I grab my coat slamming the bedroom door and storming out slam the front door. I start walking to Johnny's place, I don't have my phone but I'll text Spinner from there. It's a few blocks to Johnny's but I'm enjoying the cold air and relative solitude of the snowy evening. When I get to Johnny's I knock on the door and he opens it a few seconds later. He doesn't say anything just steps aside to let me in.

"I didn't tell them where I was going," I tell Johnny when I sit down on his sofa.

"I'm on it," Johnny says getting out his phone and sending a text. "Is this about Maya?"

"Yeah," I nod.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really," I shake my head.

"You want some dinner?"

"I could eat."

"Pizza?"

"Yeah."

Johnny orders pizza and we watch TV, I sleep here and text Drew asking him to bring me a change of clothes to school. Johnny drops me at DeGrassi and I see Drew, Bianca, Clare and Fitz on the steps. Drew hands me the fresh clothes and I go inside to change in the washroom. I put my other clothes in the bag and stuff it in my locker.

"Looks like you're walking better," I remark to my sister as she walks to her locker.

"My leg is fine," Clare replies.

"No it's not but she insists on walking on it anyway," Fitz speaks up.

"Does your leg hurt?"

"It's fine," she responds again.

"Have you eaten?"

"Paige forced her to drink a nutritional shake for breakfast," Fitz informs me.

The bell rings and I put my arm around my sister to support her as we walk to homeroom. English is fairly quite as we're just writing and when the bell rings I walk with Clare to our second period history class. After history class it's lunch and Clare is beginning to limp so her leg is obviously bothering her.

"Where are your crutches?" I question.

"I told them to leave them at home but Drew put them in his car," Clare says.

"Sit I'll get your crutches you shouldn't be walking I know you're in pain you can't lie to me," I assert forcing her to sit on a bench.

She twists her mouth at me but doesn't argue, she puts her leg up on the bench. I walk outside without my coat but I don't care, I'll only be out here for a moment.

"Adam can we talk?" Maya requests.

"Not now I have to get my sister's crutches."

"Can't someone else get them?"

"Probably but I'm already here," I reply and unlock Drew's car.

"Adam you can't stay mad at me forever," Maya pleads as I grab Clare's crutches.

"I wasn't planning on it but I'm not so sure I'm ready to just forgive and forget either," I respond locking Drew's car again.

I start walking back inside and Maya follows me, of course she needs to be in the school too. When I return to Clare Fitz is with her, not that I'm surprised. Clare stands up and I hand her the crutches. She hobbles off with Fitz at her side, hopefully to eat lunch.

"I'm not asking you to forget Adam or forgive Adam if you're not ready but please at least listen," Maya begs with pleading eyes.

"Okay I'll listen," I give in.

Maya smiles a little and takes my hand pulling me into an empty classroom. I sit on a desk and lean back looking at her.

"I never went to the party intending to cheat on you Adam, you must believe that. I wanted to be drunk yes, I wanted to be so very drunk that I was happy and didn't feel the pain of Zig's death. I don't remember much about that night, honestly Adam I remember you getting hit and I went to get ice and then…I sort of remember Harry smiling at me. After that I just remember laughing a lot and then I woke up in my bed feeling terrible. I wanted you with me and didn't even remember cheating on you. I'm sorry Adam," Maya cries.

"I know you were hurting a lot because Zig's death and I know why you wanted to get drunk. Whether you remember it or not you were cheating with Harry and you have to know how very much that hurt me. I struggled most of my life with who I was, born a girl but knowing I'm guy and you have no clue how difficult that is or how crazy you feel. When I came out everyone was supportive but it's hard enough to go through puberty let alone doing it in the wrong gender. As if it wasn't hard enough to watch my older brothers attract girls like sugar attracts ants any time I attracted a girl and she found out about me if I was lucky she'd politely lose interest but it got a lot worse. And then came you, one day you weren't just a K.C.'s kid sister any longer you were this gorgeous girl with incredible musical talent and you already knew about me. You knew I was trans but more than that you knew me, you knew what kind of guy I was. Our age difference didn't matter to me and you knew I couldn't be very physical, I thought you didn't want to be but when I saw you with Harry," I pause for a deep breath and to swallow the lump in my throat. "Maya when I saw you with Harry my heart broke. The only thing I saw was the girl I love fooling around with another guy and enjoying it. Seeing you with Harry, feeling that betrayal for me was almost worse than Zig's death."

"I'm sorry Adam I really am terribly sorry I would give anything to go back in time and take that moment back. I don't remember it at all and if I was enjoying it then it was the liquor not me. I can't imagine how much that hurt but I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. What can I do to make it up to you? Please Adam I'll do anything."

"You can start by never getting that drunk again."

"That's easy after the hangover I had I never want to be that drunk again."

"Answer honestly do you want to be more physical?"

"I…I don't know Adam maybe. I don't remember anything I was doing with Harry but I've thought about it before."

"If you want to get more physical or even think about it promise me that you'll talk to me."

"I promise. Does this mean I'm forgiven?"

"I forgive you but if you ever cheat on me again, drunk or not, I won't be able to forgive so easily."

"Never again I love you Adam."

"I love you to Maya," I smile and kiss my girlfriend.

(K.C.)

I wake up when I realize that Jenna isn't in bed. We're the only ones home right now, Mom is working a double and Maya is sleeping at Adam's as she has been the last couple of nights since he forgave her for cheating. I get up and check the washroom but Jenna's not in there, I find her on the sofa watching TV.

"Are you okay?" I ask sitting down next to her.

"Yeah I just had a dream about Zig," she says leaning on me when I sit next to her.

"Can you get back to sleep? We have our appointment in the morning," I remind her.

"I don't think so I'm not very tired anymore," she replies.

I stroke her arm and we watch TV until Mom gets home from work and then we go back to bed sleeping for just a few hours before we get up. Joey and Caitlin are coming to pick us up because we have a prenatal, Jenna and I will miss homeroom but Adam and Clare can fill us in on what happened in English class.

"You two look tired," Caitlin comments when we get into the car.

"We didn't sleep much last night," I reply.

They know that Zig died of course so they just give us a sympathetic look. Joey drives us to the doctor's office and we sign in, after a few minutes a nurse takes Jenna back for a urine test and to get her vitals. I go back with her and Joey and Caitlin will be shown back in a few minutes. Once all of Jenna's vitals have been taken Joey and Caitlin come back and they are followed shortly by the doctor.

"Good morning everyone. Jenna how have you been feeling?"

"Pretty good for the most part but we lost a friend recently," Jenna responds.

"Yes I saw that such a tragedy, well why don't you lie back on the table and we'll have a look. We couldn't see anything at your last appointment but if the baby's in a good position this time we'll be able to see the sex," the doctor says and Jenna lies back on the table lifting her shirt.

The doctor puts the gel on her belly and turns on the machine moving the wand over her belly. We see the image of the baby come on the screen, she moves the wand around a bit more and then we all see it at the same time.

"It's a boy," Joey grins wide.

"It is indeed," the doctor smiles.

We stay for a while longer, the doctor asks Jenna more questions and tells us we should be able to feel the baby move soon. After the appointment we go out to breakfast with Joey and Caitlin.

"Now that we know we're having a boy we'll have to think of names," Caitlin says as we begin eating.

"How about Joseph Jerimiah Junior?" Joey says.

"No," Caitlin laughs.

They talk about names for a few more minutes but there's still lots of time before the baby is born. After breakfast they drop us off at school and say they'll see us for dinner next week, Caitlin usually picks Jenna up from school so they can spend time together. We walk through to our lockers and get our books. There's a photo memorial for Zig in the foyer and his locker has black ribbon on it. We still have a few minutes before the bell rings for second period but we walk over there anyway and go into class when the bell rings. Only Wes and Connor are in the class with us, we don't see our other friends until lunch.

"How was the appointment?" Bianca asks when we're all sitting in the caf.

"It's a boy," I tell them.

"Joey and Caitlin are very happy but they couldn't agree on a name," Jenna says.

"They still have time to decide," Adam remarks.

"Yeah that's what they realized," I reply.

We get through school and then I have football practice. After football Owen drops me at home. Jenna is here so Caitlin probably brought her home not long ago. Mom won't be home until after dinner and Maya is sleeping at Adam's again so we're the only ones here at the moment. Jenna says she's not hungry just tired so she goes to lie down and I heat up a microwave dinner. After I eat I sit down to do homework and Jenna comes out of the room, she looks sad.

"Another dream?" I question.

"I don't know why I'm having them now but I keep dreaming about Zig. He had this huge crush on me and I can't help thinking I should have kissed him, even just once. Are you mad?"

"No I'm not angry, I think we've all had those thoughts in the last couple of weeks. Probably not that we all should have kissed Zig but that we should have done certain things with him or all the things we'll miss about him and that he'll miss in our lives."

"I wish this hurt and this hole would go away," Jenna sighs.

"I know," I say putting my arm around her, "I know me too but it can't last forever."

Update next Saturday will begin the following day probably in Sean's pov and will include Spin finding out his baby sister is no longer a virgin!