It wasn't until Verkal closed the door behind him that the itching began. First, it burrowed under his skin and then it spread to his fingertips, his gut, his mind until he had to walk, to work his way up and down the room, faster and faster until his breath came short. He couldn't talk to her as she sat staring at him amidst the ripples of silk that spread out beneath her. She'd settled in to meditate, but he sensed her own disturbance as strong as the tickling inside that he swore would drive him insane. Talk, Jay, say something! Anything! But she waited, silent, unperturbed, until the words came rushing out of him.
"Damn it! I'm a prisoner again, and you won't let me use the Force to break free. Why, Jay? Why did you tie me up here and keep me from using what you showed me? I feel it in me, chewing away, and you let me…"
"Atton, see."
Pinkish-grey, and she, deep and electric, soft and warm on top of endless burgundy. The deep color of Revan's madness.
"You won't let me use the Force and I'm stuck here in this room unless you release me."
"No one is stopping you, love."
"You said I can't."
"I suggested you don't. It's not the same thing."
"I… You want me as your slave, tied down. Chained."
"Well, that could be fun… Come here—be with me."
"Jedi chain you with your own mind. I need your permission to leave."
"So go, if you want. I'll open the door for you."
"Don't you get it? I'm stuck at your whim. I can only come and go if you allow me to."
"We can go back to the Hawk if you really want to." The door swung open almost to spite him.
"I don't… I can't. Force, you're impossible, Jay."
"Tell me what you want, love, or come here. Meditate, or make love, or whatever you want."
"It isn't what I want, it's what I need. I need to be free to leave if I want."
"You are free. I'm doing nothing to you. You're doing all this to yourself."
"You sound like Darth Traya."
"What?"
"Read me."
"You're sure about this? Anyway, the door's open, and I think we can keep it open if it's bugging you so much. We're the only ones up here."
"Just do it!" He hadn't meant the words to come out so furious, with a snarl that made him recoil even more than she did.
"Whatever you want."
He felt the flicker of her mind on his, and he remembered.
The only one holding you here is you, and let me show you why…
"Tell me, love, do you want to improve and return to yourself? Or to fall down into Revan's madness? The choice is yours. I'm here to help you, nothing more."
"I want… I want you, Jay. I want to protect you however I can, to be with you. I want what we had…"
"Have."
"Whatever."
"Then you know what you have to do. The choice to use the Force has always been yours. It might feel binding now, and it might be easier to blame me for the consequences of your choice, but the only 'chains' are the ones you choose. Just remember how it was to be uncontrolled with the darkness in you. Did it free you?"
"No. But the door…"
"Will stay open if you want. The door is nothing more than a symbol of your own choice. Your own chains are always in your mind." She gave him a small smile, but he sensed she wasn't really teasing him.
"Damned Jedi—always messing with your head!"
"I'm not a Jedi. The Order made sure of that."
"You just can't take a joke, can you?" He forced a smile, even if he really hadn't been joking.
"Just come here, love. Hold me. Let me help you."
The itch lessened just enough as he basked in their bond and in the feel of her surrounding him that he stopped trembling. His hand felt real in her constantly moving hair, and the tickle of individual bits against the back of his hand made him forget his twitching for a moment or two. He pressed his nose against the crown of her head, and let the scent of her hair bring him back to her first tentative embrace on Nar Shaddaa, when he told her of his past. She'd survived him so far and the onslaught of his memories. This must have been nothing to her after all he'd put her through. Why am I like this? What am I doing wrong? This shouldn't be harder…
"I was fine on the Hawk, Jay. What's wrong with this place? Why is it so hard here? The Force isn't as corrupted."
"You felt something in the hallway. I felt it in you—some kind of pull. What happened?"
"The carvings in the wall feel strange. They want me to surrender to the darkness. To seek power." Her eyes widened as they met his, and he wondered just how crazy he might sound.
"Verkal chose this room for that reason, love. The walls carry the impressions of those who worked on them, both slave and master, and the power and misery echoes still. Maybe they'll fade as the Force lightens, but I think traces will always remain."
"What reason?"
"This room was designed for meditation and cleansing. For the ancient visiting Masters who sought the Force in the purest to grow their power. The impressions here are of contemplation."
"Why can't I feel this?"
"You just have to listen closer, and trust your perceptions. But I know you felt some of it when you first entered."
"I'm not doing so well in coming back, am I? Be honest."
"You're fine. Bastila's acts echo here and resonate everywhere. Revan might not have felt the madness she spread, but I think you do, even if you don't know what it is."
"Revan can't feel it? I thought he was the strongest dark Jedi our space ever produced."
"The bond is a blindness, I think. Or maybe her madness has dulled his perceptions even with her 'nulled.' His own insanity hasn't helped things, and I'm sure the bond I have with him handicaps him further."
"And here I thought I was the prisoner. Maybe Darth Traya was right: I am a fool."
She grinned. "Maybe a little bit. Or maybe not."
"I don't feel Revan either."
"Nor do I. You saw the carving on Revan's door, didn't you? It was also Verkal's choice—a room where a slave was once sacrificed to Aska-lash to bind the darkness to the inn. It's a warding room, a place where darkness is contained and sealed within."
"Warding. Nullification. 'Mancy."
"What about them?"
"Jedi don't know much about the Force, do they?"
"Not these ways. Not the ancient reliance upon it before the fledgling Republic's technology and medicine replaced the divining the old dark Sith used. But I don't want to know about it. You've seen what it's led to and what we have to fight."
"Shutting out knowledge doesn't seem like the Jedi way. Don't your Masters learn this stuff?"
"There's a whole huge store of knowledge the Jedi consider forbidden, including most dark side techniques. Kreia dabbled, as did Revan and Atris, and you saw what happened to them. This knowledge, beyond the techniques used to combat it should stay here."
"You don't want to learn? You don't want that power? Even if it helps us?"
"No. I didn't even want the Force reawakened in me when we were on Peragus. But beyond that, do you think I have the wisdom to use any of it? I'll say this for these half-Sith: they use the techniques with relative restraint. I've always been a little cavalier with using the Force, and this would just be another temptation where I don't need it."
"If anyone has the wisdom, you do."
"No, I don't. Just as I didn't have the fortitude to listen to all Kreia tried to teach me. It's the only thing that's kept me sane."
"You? Sane?" He smiled and hoped he didn't sound too incredulous.
"I'm not the one thinking he's imprisoned for no reason."
"Hey!"
"Just in case you forgot, I love you, fool."
"Close the door." He pushed her back onto the covers.
"You sure about that?"
"I don't want that crazy poodoo magic sneaking in, or Revan while I…"
"You what?"
"Show you what's good about closed doors."
