A/N: Yeeeeah, check out all these updates!
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"Soooo, this is the way to Ikana Canyon," said Pichu, gazing up at the large rock wall directly in front of them. "Well unfortunately, throughout my many travels I still haven't learned how to fly. Ooh! I know! I'll just blow up the wall."
He triumphantly slapped on the Blast Mask, which immediately blew up in his face and sent him flying backwards with a high-pitched scream. The stone wall was unaffected.
"Apparently I'm still working out the basic logistics."
"Yee hee hee… what are you doing in a place like this?" came a voice from up above their heads, and Pichu and Clefairy looked up to see a Gourgeist sitting on top of the wall. "Ikana Hill beyond here is the place where spirits with troubles and lingering regrets wander. The air is filled with their wails of disillusionment and feelings of lacking purpose, like a bunch of jaded twentysomethings on Tumblr."
Clefairy shuddered. "At least we know whatever's over there can't be as bad as that."
"Well I hate to tell you this, but it's my job as a heroic hero to go over there and purge the land of the great evil. At least I assume that's what it is. The story's been pretty vague about it," said Pichu.
"Hmph. Fine, then. If you still insist on passing through here, you must obtain the mask containing wandering spirits that can be found near the ranch. Without that mask, you cannot calm the souls of the undead."
"Near the ranch? Oh, you mean this thing?" asked Pichu, putting on his Lampent Mask that he'd forgotten all about until now. You did too, admit it.
"Yee hee hee… that's a nice mask you're wearing," said the Gourgeist. "That is the mask of the leader of the ninjas who invaded this kingdom long ago. May I ask how you obtained such a thing?"
"I 'unno man, I just burned some guy's house down. You know, standard heroic stuff."
"…Right. I just remembered I have to go do my laundry," muttered the Gourgeist, vanishing quite hastily and leaving a tree springing up in its wake.
After climbing up to the tree by way of his Vine Whip, Pichu and Clefairy traveled through a narrow pass and finally emerged at Ikana Canyon. It truly was a land of the dead, as outside of a bunch of Murkrows flying around there was nothing living to be found. Across the river they were standing in front of was Ikana Hill, a barren rocky wasteland littered with dead trees and a dried-up riverbed.
"Boy, this would be a great place to throw a birthday party, wouldn't it?" Clefairy quipped.
"Not really. It's all dried up and everything's dead."
"I don't know why I bother. Look, I can't see anything, but I can sense there's a thirst for blood looming all around us. You'd better put on that Lampent Mask just in case."
"Good idea! If the ghosts think I'm one of them, I'll be safe!" said Pichu, putting the mask on and then leaping back in surprise as his action suddenly summoned a Lampent out of the air.
"Master! You called!"
Pichu blinked. "Wait… did you just say master?" he exclaimed. "Dude! C-Money gets the skeleton army, but I get the ninja army! BALLER!"
The Lampent glared at Pichu. "Wait a minute… you're not the master! How dare you impersonate our leader!"
"SON OF A B*TCH!" Pichu screamed as the Lampent hurled itself at him.
"The day you get an army is the day I flee the country forever," said Clefairy. Pichu finally got fed up with being beaten up by a ghost, grabbed it and performed a piledriver, smashing it into the ground.
"R-regrettable…" the Lampent moaned from where it lay on the ground in a defeated heap. "Although my rival, you were spectacular."
"Damn straight. I'm Pichu, the Hero of Time. Maybe you've heard of me."
"As proof of my defeat, I shall reveal my wisdom to you. To cross the valley of Ikana, aim at the river beasts with the attack that freezes," said the ninja. "To die without leaving a corpse… that is the way of us Lampent."
It suddenly pulled out an Egg Bomb that instantly detonated, leaving nothing of the ghost behind.
"Well, that was weird," said Clefairy.
"All I want is an army of the undead at my beck and call… is that really too much to ask?"
Following the Lampent's rather vague suggestion, Pichu crossed over the river by freezing the Octillerys sticking their heads out with his Icicle Spears and hopping across their heads. Then he scaled the cliff and the two of them got their first good look at Ikana Hill, which neither of them was too thrilled about.
"Ugh… I don't like the feeling of this place," Clefairy muttered. "There's something horrible in the air that's making me feel sick."
"Ohohoho! Hello there, fairy boy!"
"Aaaaaaaand that would explain it."
Pichu and Clefairy both looked up and groaned loudly at the sight of Trubbish floating high above their heads via one of his red balloons. He quickly deflated the balloon and landed right next to Pichu.
"Oh! Oh! To think I would find another fairy boy like myself in a place like this!" Trubbish sang in delight, twirling around and throwing a bunch of sparkles into the air. "I think you and I were destined to meet each other, fairy boy! We are bound by the eternal bonds of friendship!"
Pichu was most displeased. "Wait – what? Eternal friendship? Don't I get a say in this?"
"Of course not! Friendship is mandatory!" Trubbish laughed. "Now you must buy a map from me to seal our friendship!"
"Ugh, yeah, no… if you wanna be friends so badly, why don't we just play a game instead."
"Ooh! Ooh! What sort of game, wonders Trubbish!" said Trubbish as he pranced around in a circle.
"Well, the rules are simple. You cover your eyes and count to ten, and then I drop kick you into the river."
"What the – YEAAAAAUGHHHH!" Trubbish screamed as Pichu did just that. He went careening over the cliff and splashed into the water, resurfacing after a matter of moments.
"Ohohoho! We must do this again sometiiiiiiime!" he sang as he went floating off.
Pichu looked disappointed. "Oh yeah, trash bags float… damn it."
––
"Well I hate to say it, but getting rid of that guy didn't do anything about the bad feeling I get from this place," Clefairy said after she and Pichu had explored the barren and desolate land. "I just know there's ghosts around here… Pichu, can't you put on that mask and draw them out?"
"What? Why? I just tried doing that and the dude tried to kill me!"
"Yeah, and if you don't die then they'll give us valuable information about this place. So it's win-win."
Pichu grumbled under his breath and put on the Lampent Mask, instantly summoning another ghost ninja.
"What in the – you are not my master! Who are you?" the Lampent demanded, charging into battle. Pichu was really not in the mood and just stabbed it in the forehead before it could do anything.
"ARRRGH!" it roared in pain, slumping to the ground in one hit. "Alas… I have been defeated."
"Man, you suck as a ninja."
"Before I take my leave, I shall impart to you the information I have gleaned from spying on this kingdom. To revive the dried-up river on Ikana Hill, you must go to the spring water cave."
"Uhh, what? Why do I want to revive the river? Is this going to help me on the path toward stabbing evil in the face?"
"To die without leaving a corpse… that is the way of us Lampent," said the ghost, pulling out an Egg Bomb and blowing itself up.
"THAT WASN'T AN ANSWER!"
Having no other leads, Pichu finally decided that going to the spring water cave was the only thing left to do. As he and Clefairy walked across the canyon, they passed a strange-looking house with a waterwheel and three large horns sticking out of the roof. A bunch of moaning, groaning Dusclops were marching around the house, and several others were bashing at the walls and door, trying to break in.
"Keep away from our house! My father is not one of you!" mewled a desperate voice from inside the house.
"What's going on over there?" Clefairy wondered.
"Probably nothing important," Pichu said confidently.
The two of them followed the riverbed over to the only cave in the vicinity, rather displeased to find that the inside was covered in an ominous purple fog and littered with skulls and bones.
"There's barely any water in here. How are we supposed to revive the river this way?" asked Pichu.
"Outside of your magic song that spontaneously produces a thunderstorm out of nowhere? I have no idea."
"What business have you in Ikana Kingdom, land where only the dead roam?" came a voice, and Pichu and Clefairy looked up in surprise to see a Duskull appear over their heads. Rather tellingly, this one was holding a conductor's baton, identifying him as Sharp of the composer brothers.
"Oh, great… is this gonna be another boss fight? And I really have to pee right now."
"This is no place for those as full of life as the two of you," said the Duskull, clearly trying to ignore Pichu's comment. "Unless you wish to join the dead? That is fine…"
"What? No! We don't want to join the dead! Stop putting words in our mouths!" Clefairy snapped. "You must really piss off your wife with that tactic."
"Wait a minute… did that Lampent guy know you were in here? That dude just tried to send me to my death!" Pichu realized.
"Yes, it's almost as though he were a murderous ninja with no qualms toward wiping out an entire kingdom."
"Yeah! What an asshole!"
"Well, thank you both for thoroughly derailing my big dramatic moment. Just shut up and join the ranks of the dead," Sharp said irritably. He held up his baton and looked like he was about to start conducting with it, but instead just flew down on Pichu and started stabbing him with it.
"OW! OW! WHAT THE – THAT THING IS REALLY POINTY! CUT IT OUT!"
"And once again it falls to me, the intelligent and beautiful one, to save the day," said Clefairy, grabbing the Pokéflute of Time and playing the Song of Storms.
"Oh great, now I'm bleeding and wet," Pichu complained as it started to rain inside the cave somehow.
The song's effect on Sharp was instantaneous. "W-what is this? This song?" he gasped, breaking off his attack on Pichu, looking dazed and disoriented. "N-no, it can't be. This song…"
He suddenly grabbed at his head and started screaming, thrashing and rolling around in the air as the rain continued to pound down and threatened to flood the cave.
"I blame you for this," Pichu said to Clefairy.
––
The rainfall inside the cave caused the pool inside to overflow, draining out into the riverbed. As the newly revived river flowed over the Music Box House, the waterwheel began to turn, which caused some overly cheerful-sounding carnival music to start playing out of the large horns, completely out of place with the dead and barren landscape. It was probably a purposeful aesthetic choice.
"Errrgh-urrrgh…" the Dusclops moaned in pain at the noise, swaying around before vanishing beneath the earth.
––
Back inside the cave, Sharp seemed to have finally collected himself.
"Flat, my dear brother… please forgive me. That Nuzleaf seduced me with the promise of epic Guitar Hero skills and I played right into his hand."
"A common mistake," Pichu assured him.
"You who do not fear the dead… with my brother's song, you have broken the curse that was placed upon me. It is all thanks to you," said the ghost. "I should properly introduce myself. I am Sharp, one of the composers of the Ikana Royal Family with my younger brother Flat. Of course there was also our redheaded middle brother Natural, but we don't talk about him."
"Good, we don't want to hear about him," said Clefairy.
"We dead should not be lingering here in this land. It was all a trick of the masked Nuzleaf who had upset things," said Sharp.
"Geez, where is Nuzleaf getting the time to do all this shit?" Pichu demanded. "It's not like he has a magic warping song that can take him wherever! Does this place have Amtrak or something?"
"You know, you two would probably have a lot more friends if you would let people finish their trains of thought."
"Is that supposed to be an incentive?" asked Clefairy.
"…If you truly do not fear the dead, I would ask you both to travel to Ikana Castle and meet with the king. He is the one who shall guide you to the temple of this land, where you may destroy the evil curse that has plagued us. Maybe your incessant chattering will drive the monster to kill itself."
"No luck. That would have happened multiple times over by now if it were an option," said Clefairy.
"Wait, is he suggesting he doesn't like hearing us talk? But we're full of interesting and insightful comments!" said Pichu. "Isn't that right, Mr. Sharp?"
"I hate you both. Now get going before I start killing you again," Sharp said before vanishing.
"I'll take that as a yes."
––
Now that the Dusclops around the house were all gone, Pichu and Clefairy saw that a little Skitty had stepped outside and was warily inspecting the river.
"Gods, that music makes me want to kill something. Preferably you. Let's go inside and shut it off," Clefairy griped. "Although I don't know how we'll sneak past that little kid."
"Ah, that's no problem! I'll just put this rock on my head!" said Pichu as he put on the Stone Mask, which basically looked like a big gray blob with a very rudimentary face. "See! Completely inconspicuous!"
"Hello, Mr. Rock. Please stay out of my house," the Skitty said miserably as he walked past her.
"Yeah, no can do," said Pichu, kicking the door open and striding in.
The music was still playing inside the house, though as the two of them walked down the stairs to the bottom floor, they momentarily found themselves occupied with something else.
"Well, I don't see anything down here that'll turn off the HOLY SH*T!" Pichu shrieked as the doors of a nearby cabinet burst open and a Loudred came staggering out… at least it looked like a Loudred, but then it also looked like it was in the process of turning into a Dusclops, its body covered in bandages and its gaze totally vacant.
"KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!" Pichu screamed as he and Clefairy scrambled backwards into the back wall, the Loudred slowly lurching toward them with an unearthly moan.
"Wait! Stop!" came a voice, and the two of them were stunned to see the Skitty racing past them before coming to a stop directly in front of the Loudred. "Father, wait! It's me! It's Skitty!"
Pichu's eyes bulged. "'Father'?!"
"Well this just keeps getting better," Clefairy griped.
Skitty turned back to face the two of them with a wild look in her eyes. "Both of you get out! Forget everything you saw here and leave!"
"I am a-okay with this plan!" Pichu declared, turning around and frantically trying to run up the stairs before Clefairy grabbed him by the tail and pulled him back.
"Don't you have a song that could rectify this situation?"
"Like what?! The Song of Kill It with Fire?!" Pichu demanded. Clefairy punched him in the head. "Oh right, that one." He quickly played the Song of Healing.
"Errrrgh-urrrrgh…" The mummified Loudred started swaying around, grabbing its head in pain… and then with a flash of light he had been returned to normal, a wooden mask clattering to the ground in front of him.
"F-Father?" Skitty gasped at the sight of him. "Father!" she wailed, jumping into his arms.
"Oh… Skitty?" Loudred had on a very confused expression as he looked down at her. "What… what have I been doing all this time?"
"Y-you haven't been doing anything…" Skitty sobbed uncontrollably, nuzzling against him. "You were just having a little nightmare…"
"…Oh, Skitty… I should probably stop eating all those burritos right before bed."
Clefairy stood back and watched the two of them. "Wow… even for someone as cold and heartless as I am, this is really sweet. Pichu, we should leave them and not spoil the moment."
"DA-na-na NA-na-na NAAAAAA! I got the Dusclops Mask!" Pichu cheered as he held up the mask on the floor, completely spoiling the moment.
"You're an ass."
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A/N: That scene with Pamela and her dad is my favorite in the game (except maybe Anju and Kafei?). I just couldn't play it for laughs.
