to Carbon65, it was exceptionally painful to write some of the later chapters as well. Gosh, anything nearing the end was heart-wrenching. Cooper is a bastard, but he has somewhat of good intentions. xD. beta cells. that's the only thing i can now remember off IB Bio HL. i thought of doing a mini Nickbastian fanfic for you where Nick explains them to Sebastian so you can have a mini-heart attack considering in my head cannon, Nick is a Bio nerd. :'D and Jeff's in love with him and Nick is all '...yeah. okay.' i actually have this comedy/romance/drama Niffbastian thing where the only reason Nick had a solo is because he slept with Sebastian. AND I FANGIRL THAT YOURE STILL READING THIS ASDFGHJKL;.
29 – deeper waters
Sebastian Smythe sat by Chandler Kiehl as they sipped coffee. Chandler apparently was in recovery from severe cutting and was getting very better at it. Last time, he was kept in a room with a blade, after he was given a very fake letter from his Mother that she didn't want him anymore, and he didn't reach for the blade in all of the twenty-four hours he was locked in the room. Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "That sounds extreme."
Chandler nodded his head very slowly. "But…I cut a lot when I'm upset, or I guess I used to so they had to put it up to test, right? That was the only way that Dr Devon would agree to let me go out when she didn't believe I'd be okay enough."
"Oh," Sebastian said, staring at him.
"I have had fourteen suicide attempts."
Sebastian shut his eyes – oh, so that was why they were treating him with caution. Chandler looked very ashamed at admitting this. His arms were still marred with the silvery cuts and all that Sebastian can do was stare at how horrible they looked like to him. They made him cringe that someone can ever want to hurt himself so bad, abuse their bodies so bad, but at the same time, his mind was torn between thinking it was disgusting and revolting and it was beautiful and genius.
You promised Blaine.
That was the only thing restraining the other thoughts right now. Blaine. Chandler was shifting to another bit of his chair, and Sebastian can see that the boy had many of them spelling out words. At the sight of Disgusting, Worthless, Short, and Gay Freak, Sebastian blinked. "You're gay?"
Chandler blushed when he caught sight of the cuts. "Y-yeah." His voice was wobbly right now. "I'm gay."
That must've taken a lot of freaking courage to admit. "Oh." Sebastian was staring at the boy's arms right now. It made him want to wonder about this Chandler. Kurt seemed to like Chandler, even go as far as stare at him and make sweet comments.
"Bassie, people like that shouldn't be so hurt…" Kurt's eyes were now on Chandler's arms, something that Sebastian was trying very hard not to look at. "He's really nice, Bassie. I can tell, you know? He looks as lost as we are…"
Sebastian shot up all thoughts of Chandler, and thanked him for joining him in for coffee. That would not be the last time that Sebastian Smythe would be staring into Chandler Kiehl's face.
The Afesat laboratories were grand, and they were making Sebastian cringe with disgust. It smelled like rubbing alcohol and cuts, fresh ones. All Sebastian knew was that he was neither fond of the smell or the feelings that were encompassing him. Sebastian laid on a chair beside a few chemicals. Suddenly, George's eyes twinkled towards him and he picked up a vial from the table, turning to Andrew and Bruce.
"Hey, Andrew!" George's eyes were full of exhilaration right now, almost as if he was sure this device was going to work.
Sebastian and Kurt were the only ones there. Kurt had mumbled something about Blaine being a coward and not showing up, making Sebastian want to slap Kurt, this feeling he hadn't had for a very long time, not to Kurt at least. Andrew walked towards them, and was holding a metal band in his hand. The metal band had a very thick, huge circle in the middle of it, that was a clear colour. It looked like an oversized pearl, just made out of glass. Andrew placed one on Kurt's head. "Okay."
Andrew pulled out his remote. "Just move your hands or kick me or something if it feels really uncomfortable." Andrew suggested as Kurt nodded his head very slowly, as if still debating if this was worth it. Andrew seemed to be less hesitant about trying it out as he pushed a button. The glass orb on Kurt's head in the middle of the metallic band started to glow an amethyst colour.
Sebastian watched as George led Kurt to the bed. Bruce looked like he was the chain of authority, tapping his foot, with his arms crossed and glaring at the mere existence of Kurt Alexander Hummel. Soon after, Kurt fell into a deep slumber. The deep slumber allowed Sebastian to move towards him without getting punched or slapped. "Is he just in that world?"
Andrew nodded his head, as George placed a band on Sebastian's hand. "We have quite a few of these. Tell me if you're in the right place. You should know it better, right?"
Sebastian slowly nodded. Soon after, he'd be lying down just beside Kurt. Sebastian would idly hold onto Kurt's hand, hoping that Hummel wouldn't wake up at punch him and then count from ten to one, falling into a slumber, with that circular orb glowing an aqua blue so bright that it was almost like it was trying to beat stars.
"Sebastian!" Kurt grinned, now throwing himself onto Sebastian's mere presence. Now, Sebastian can feel him even more now, but he could always feel Kurt.
Kurt was shocked right now, able to see the small brunette hallucination. "That's…what you see?" Kurt knew but it was still shocking to actually see it. Kurt, in celebration, had allowed some sort of teacup to appear in his hands, filled with raspberry tea from nowhere. Kurt looked around, and found that the world looked just like theirs – except this one was suddenly just brighter, more beautiful. He noticed a flock of butterflies, something that wasn't in Lima at all, if only for one or two butterflies here and there. Roses and flowers blooming. It was actually the perfect place of pure and utter joy and happiness.
Kurt had bumped into another small boy, and looked down to see one with fearful eyes. He was chubby, acquiring just a little padding of fat around his stomach, with adorable big fists and big, brown eyes. Kurt was just staring as Kurt introduced this as Blaine, and then shot him a very evil-looking glare. Blaine's eyes immediately filled with tears.
"Coop left me again," Blaine softly muttered.
"Serves you right!" Kurt stomped on his feet. "I don't like you anymore."
"Idiots," another voice piped in. Sebastian was suddenly eye-to-eye with his childish self. He hated himself, all of a sudden, all tall, thin and brown-haired. Nothing had changed beside that for years. He towered over both Blaine and Kurt like he did in reality.
"Stop it, Bassie," Kurt smiled at him.
Kurt raised an eyebrow, as Kurt abandoned Blaine, running over to the taller child and then grabbing him by his shoulder. Just before Kurt can process if the child liked Sebastian, the small child suddenly pressed his lips against Sebastian's and Kurt was left there staring, his mind full of confusion, as Kurt giggled, pulling back. Sebastian grinned back and reached in for another kiss. Blaine was looking sad and was sitting on a rock by himself. "I want love too."
Kurt huffed. "Hmmph. I don't like you, Blainey!"
"We're together in this world," Kurt deciphered, voice soft, but there was some sort of edge in his voice.
Sebastian just nodded his head slowly. "I guess so."
"I don't feel anything," Kurt suddenly said, and Sebastian nodded his head. Kurt suddenly realised just as fast that that was why Sebastian went through periods of emotionlessness, because they were sucking every emotion – right now, all Kurt was feeling was contempt, making Kurt realise that the Blaine was his, just like Kurt was Sebastian's. This was expected of it all then. Sebastian sat down and Kurt sat down beside him. "I think Blaine's me right now."
Sebastian nodded his head. Lonely. Isolated. Scared. That was Blaine there, curled up in a ball, unhappy, upset, staring at everyone else and just wishing he had what they had. Sebastian and Kurt were laughing and Sebastian didn't think he'd ever looked that happy before, just that Kurt had asked him to go on the swing and he'd obliged to his wishes. There was just one thing that Sebastian wanted to do right now. Sebastian threw the band off him, knowing exactly what he should do.
In the real world, somehow Sebastian's mind complied with that order, tearing off the band. Happily, it wasn't glued to his head or else it would've been a bloody mess. Before George can say anything, Sebastian said he'll call them later. It was a six minute walk towards his car park and a sixteen minute drive to his destination. Sebastian flung the door right now, with determination in his mind, as he stepped inside. It was even more disgusting than he remembered, so white and horrifying. Sebastian stepped towards Blaine's bed, staring at him, whom was awake and staring back at him in confusion as Sebastian whispered. "Shhhhh…"
He placed the band around Blaine's head.
"What are we doing, Bassie? I was showing you how much I love you so you can be happier!" Kurt was ushering him, but Sebastian was thinking elsewhere.
Follow me, was Sebastian's only command. Kurt obeyed. Suddenly, Sebastian didn't need a band to see this. He sat on the plastic chair – his mind was programmed and just by wanting to see it, was suddenly fuzzily appearing before him. They were in a forest and Blaine was lying just beside him, looking around. Somehow, Blaine had taken off his machine, taking a deep breath of the air around him, his breaths were still laboured. Those big, brown eyes filled with tears. "Bassie." His voice was shocked and in pain.
"Blaine," Sebastian called out.
Blaine looked around, with those big eyes, and then that was just it. The tears started to fall silently. All Sebastian can do was stare at him. Blaine was trying to touch the tree in front of him. Sebastian carried the small Blaine who'd lost a drastic amount of weight and he can tell just by how light Blaine was in his arms right now. If he'd lost just a bit more, he'd probably disappear on him. Sebastian laid Blaine in the pad of lilies, lying beside him, and then Blaine looked up at the branches. The branches that had no leaves, the birches.
"I want to just grab on and swing to Heaven," Blaine marvelled, his voice soft and delicate.
Sebastian stared back at Blaine. Blaine looked back at him. "Sebastian," his voice was soft. "Thank you."
Sebastian wasn't expecting this as Sebastian laid his head on Blaine's shoulder. All he can smell were lilies. "Is this why you called that damn cat, Lilly?"
Blaine nodded slowly. "Mmmhmm."
But it wouldn't last. Eventually Sebastian would have to take the band off, and he'd be in reality, where Blaine was confined to bed, with that pressure giving him his airway, not like in that world, not like it at all. Sebastian didn't realise he was drawing until he was looking down. Apparently, the only way he can access was to draw, maybe in his mind, that was the only way that Kurt can give him a boost to the other realm without the helmet, just like last time. Except this time, Sebastian couldn't remember Kurt ordering him to draw this or that like normal. Blaine's eyes were hopeful.
Realising his situation right now, Sebastian knew the only way he can talk to Blaine was trying to decipher the emotion through his eyes – right now, it was happiness and gratitude. Sebastian kissed Blaine's forehead. "Don't worry, you hobbit, I'll take the anti-meds, okay?" Blaine didn't nod his head, but the delight in his eyes and humour made Sebastian realise that all was well, even if Blaine was trapped with a tube to breathe.
Sebastian didn't realise that Blaine was trying to communicate with him until he saw that Blaine was pointing to himself, and then made a heart sign, before pointing to Sebastian.
Sebastian smiled. "I love you too, you dolt."
But I'm not in love with you, Sebastian. Sebastian somehow managed to not think about that, if just for a moment. Sebastian pressed his mouth to Blaine's forehead. "Get well soon, okay?" he didn't realise how weak his voice was until he spoke and it shattered him.
Sebastian stood up, placing his hand on Blaine's forehead to check his temperature, which wasn't as high or as bad, his fever was going down – that meant he was getting better, right?
With a shaky hand, Sebastian left, and took only one glance back at Blaine's exhausted body.
On his way back towards his car, he bumped into a woman that was on the back of his mind. It was his Mother and she was staring down at him, unable to decipher what was going on in Sebastian's head. He offered coffee for her and his Mother nodded, even though he was pretty sure she didn't need anymore coffee, from the look of her bloodshot eyes that had sent a pang of pain to his hair. Her dishevelled hair was scaring him and her eyes were always so close to tears. He'd known her story just by looking at her right now.
They bought tall mochas and large croissants that tasted like fluffy air and bread.
They spun back, each one of them to two different destinations, only for that moment then Sebastian reverted his destination to his dying Father, whom looked nothing like himself. He was still so unconscious, still holding on a lifeline, and Nathalie's eyes were still pooling with the same tears. Suddenly, Sebastian was stuck in time three weeks ago – maybe he'd hear Quinn screaming, or Kurt walking in – maybe they'd share coffee again and hope false hopes until the man that had the Devil's black heart arose. Except maybe not. Except maybe this time, it would hurt just a little bit more.
Sebastian stared at Nathalie, their eyes were in contact, and he knew. Just right then, he knew.
"He's not in love with you," Sebastian's thick voice was making her nod rapidly as all of her blonde-dyed curls bobbed along with her head.
"But he loves me."
"Does that even matter?" Sebastian snapped, his voice cold, his heart pumping with some sort of fiery adrenaline. "Does it matter whether he loves you if he's in love with someone else? If you're just keeping him to your selfish heart's desire and when he wakes up, he's going to realise how much of a fool he's been to ever…ever….love you, after all you did to him."
Sebastian realised just, then, he was voicing out his own story, the fact that Blaine loved him, but was so deeply in love with Kurt, and the fact that he was afraid just then, when he truly arose from that bed, he'd love him just as much as Kurt did – maybe he'd find himself regretting every touch, everything…
"I'm sorry, Sebastian." Nathalie was crying full-blown tears right now. "He was in love. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know he'd…I didn't think he'd…I'm so sorry that he'd…"
Sebastian froze in on an instance as his Mother confessed the demons that were in her mind, and heart, and that was when Sebastian Smythe retreated and sprung out of the doorway as quickly as possible realising the story behind Nathalie Bianca Chase and Jean Claude Smythe.
"I'm so sorry." Nathalie shook her head, those tears still spilling down her cheeks. "I killed her. I killed Elizabeth Langdon-Hummel and framed it as a suicide attempt…"
