Warning: This chapter contains serious subject material not suitable for younger readers.
Disclaimers: I do not own anything.
The first few weeks at P.S. 118 High without Helga were a little shaky. Gerald spent all his free time with Phoebe as like last year, and when he wasn't with her, he was busy restoring the '80 Camaro he'd bought with the money he'd saved from his summer job. I hung out with Henry, my new physics lab partner, a few times if only to catch a glimpse of Helga in Tae Kwon Do class. Not that he wasn't suitable for me to socialize with, but the situation proved awkward since he'd started dating Lila. That led me to associate myself with his best friend Jack, who appeared just as lonely as I was. At least I had the new toy Helga bought me for my upcoming birthday.
We talked to each other almost every night, but wasn't feasible during her exams. She kept saying she had something to tell me, but was waiting until the time was right. Other than the phone calls, we scarcely came into contact with one another, and I was becoming inpatient with her impending news. Talking wasn't enough, because I missed slithering my fingers through her silky blonde hair while gliding my tongue along her teeth. Her soft kisses along my lower abdomen had me yearning to feel the warmth of her bare breasts against my chest. How I longed to pour every ounce of my love inside her body again. If only I could get up to Westport to see those deep blue oceans delve into my eyes with such devotion.
"What's up, Jack?" I asked stepping into his dad's liquor store while he unpacked a couple cases of whiskey.
"Oh, hey, Arnold," he turned around, setting the glass bottles of Wild Turkey on the shelf, "what movie are we seeing tonight? The one that's based on Annie Proulx's short story, or Fright Frenzy?"
"I don't feel like going to the movies tonight," I owned up to him. "You got anything in here to take away my misery? I need something potent."
"Got the Helga blues, eh?" he asked questioning my unkempt attire with his eyes. "You don't need any of this stuff. All you need is your optimistic outlook on life back."
"It's too late for that," I mumbled. "Too much has happened to me to take on that unrealistic point of view again."
"I don't know what you're looking for, Arnold," Jack spat back at me, "but your life isn't that bad. So your girlfriend's going to another school? Big deal! Be thankful you're not living in the streets climbing into dumpsters for scraps of food! What you need to do is quit moping around."
"I see your point, Jack," I acknowledge, eyeing a bottle of 180 proof Southern Comfort, "but you don't know what it's like having nothing to do."
"Nothing to do? Then find yourself a hobby," he suggested taking a pack of cigarettes out for me. "Look at me. I took up Ju Jit Su. It helps me focus better. You like Karate and science, don't you? Why don't you concentrate on that? You can't sit around daydreaming about Helga all day."
"I practice Karate with Grandma every week," I answered, handing him his money. He was unaware I was supposedly forbidden to see Helga. "I'm always experimenting when it comes to science, but there's got to be something else."
"When you figure it out," he grinned, "let me know."
"Yeah, whatever." Leaving through the entrance, I bumped into a young college student in his early twenties smiling down at me.
"You say you need some excitement in your life? I have just the thing that'll help."
"If you're trying to sell me some kind of energy drink, I'm not interested," I declined the clean cut salesman's offer.
"I'm not talking about health drinks," the man returned, "I'm talkin' happy dust."
"Happy dust?" I asked unable to decipher what he meant.
"You know," he illustrated sliding a finger across his nostrils, "nose candy."
"No way!" I declined firmly, "Get out of here. I don't need that stuff."
"Oh, but I think you do," he persuaded, stepping in front of me, waving a small bag of white powder in my face. "How 'bout a week's worth?"
"Leave me alone!" I shouted, trying to shove him out of the way, but he was persistent.
"I'll leave you alone," he proposed, if you buy a week's worth of stardust for me."
"Fine," I made a deal with the guy, "follow me home and I'll give you the money for it. It's probably your only source of income anyway. Then get off my back."
"Wonderful!" the man clapped excitedly, "I knew you would see it my way. Name's Ross, by the way."
I figured I'd flush the stuff down the toilet once Ross was out of my site. He waited on top of the stoop until I returned from the attic with my entire savings just to get rid of him. After he'd left, Grandpa inquired as to he was.
"Hey, Arnold, who was that shady character you were talkin' to outside," he asked sitting in the living room chair devouring a hoagie while he watched T.V.
"OH, just one of those pesky salesmen," I stretched the truth a little bit. "He was selling candy, so I have him some money to leave me alone."
"All right," Grandpa returned flipping through stations on the television, but then advised, "you shouldn't give money away for stuff you don't need. Those crazy solicitors are always trying to steal my money."
"Believe me, I know," I headed up the stairs for the bathroom, but when I arrived, I couldn't bring myself to flush the stash of snow down the toilet. "This cost too much money just to waste it."
Instead, I brought it up to my bedroom with me, contemplating on what I should do with the stuff.
"Maybe I should experiment with how this drug actually affects the body," I reasoned, locking the bedroom door, lying the plastic bag down onto my computer table. This was obviously an excuse to pick up another habit to replace my erotic nights with Helga.
I emptied a small amount powder from the bag next to the mouse, lining it up along the length of the mouse pad. When it came to a drug like this, I had no clue what I was doing, but leaned my nose over the table and started snorting the little white line I'd just formed.
"This is just an experiment," I convince myself after I'd felt cocaine's exhilarating rush. "No more, that's enough...for tonight."
The next morning, I couldn't fight the desire to consume another dose of the enticing drug, but decided to wait until evening. I'd written down the power trip I'd receive from it in my journal, but after almost a month, the experiment I'd been conducting transformed into a full blown addiction. My grades started dropping in school and I became isolated from friends and family. Several times I missed Helga's calls because I'd been inhaling a line, or scrambling all over my room tidying up the place. Jack was the first to notice the change in my behavior, and he was downright concerned, especially since he learned from Helga that I wasn't returning her calls. He also noticed the drop in my attendance at the movies. What else was disturbing was I blew him off at the store, demanding he fetch my cigarettes. It was as if I had no conscience.
When his pal Henry called me on the main phone line in the boarding house, I became irritated with the fact he'd interrupted my using time and yelled at him. Genuinely a nice guy, he didn't deserve my bad attitude. He'd called to explain to me he would no longer be my partner in physics class.
"Why not?" I asked furiously wiping my fingers across my nose. "Dr. Parks's rule is no partner changes! How did you manage to get out of that? I guess it's because you're never there!"
"Arnold" he pointed out calmly, "I haven't been in class because it interferes with my work program. I had to transfer to an earlier class."
"Yeah, right!" I refused to believe him, "you just want extra play time with Lila!"
"Arnold," Henry tried to reason with me over the phone, "Lila broke up with me last weekend. She said she wanted to start seeing your cousin Arnie."
"What?" I replied pacing the floor, ready to get off the phone. That surely wasn't any surprising news to me. "That's a load of crap. Who's going to be my lab partner then?"
"Rhonda," he disclosed to me.
"Oh man! Not her!" I complained, "I bet she took the opportunity so she could break up with Curly to start dating Harold again. You know he broke up with Patty. Two faced bitch!"
"Is there something bothering you, Arnold?" Henry implied, "Helga called me last night to say she hasn't heard from you for almost five days."
"Oh, please!" I made a crack at Helga's expense, "It's only been five days. She's just paranoid."
"What is wrong with you, Arnold?" he demanded, "I'm always here if you need someone to talk to."
"What's wrong," I answered angrily, eyeing my bedroom door, "is I don't have time for idle chit chat when I've got physics homework to do!"
"That reminds me. I set up a lab session with Arnie, Lila, and Rhonda at your house for tomorrow at seven thirty."
"What?" This would ruin my entire routine. "Don't ever make those kind of plans unless you have my permission first!"
"Since when have you become so-..." Click! I placed the receiver onto the phone hold and climbed up the stairs.
In my bedroom, I sat down at the computer desk to open the drawer stuffed with another week's supply of snow. Since one line wasn't enough, I measure out two, but before I could start, there came a knock on the door. It was Grandpa calling me down to dinner. I told him I wasn't hungry right now, but would come down and eat something later. This had been going on for about two weeks now. Then he asked me about Ernie's and Oscar's rent, since I'd told him they were paying it late because I'd used their cash to buy my stash. Several ideas came to my head as I thought about how I'd replace their money. When the coast was clear, I sniffed up whatever powder lay on the table before me.
The following night the three individuals attending lab session at my house could visibly see I wasn't myself. I'd done three lines that morning because the two the night before wasn't enough, and by the time Rhonda, Lila, and cousin Arnie arrived, I was craving the white lady again. They all seemed to think I needed to settle down due to the fact I couldn't sit still.
"Arnold, relax," Rhonda recommended I should sit down. "There's no need to be in a hurry."
"Too bad, Rhonda," I returned hastily, "I want to get this over with."
"Whatever had come over you lately, Arnold?" Lila asked worriedly, taking her place next to Arnie on the little red couch. "Has Helga done anything to hurt you? You seem awfully distraught."
"Why would she do that?" I asked setting up one of the mobile experiments on top of the table. "You just want to see me forever unhappy, don't you, Lila?"
"That was totally inexcusable, Arnold," Rhonda asserted. "After all, Lila was only expressing her concern."
"What do you know, Rhonda?" I protested. "You can't make up your mind when it comes to who you want to sleep with each weekend!"
"Arnold!" Lila gasped while Rhonda pursed her lips firmly. "That was an oh so horrible thing to say. It was totally uncalled for."
"Yeah, whatever." I ignored her comment when my cell phone started to ring. Since I didn't feel like entertaining my guests, I decided to answer it. "The experiment's about wrapped up. You guys can look it over while I take this call. Hello?"
"Arnold!" I heard Helga cry through the receiver, "I've finally got a hold of you! Happy Birthday!"
"Yeah, so it is," I answered nonchalantly. "What do you need?"
"Are you feeling all right?" she asked suspiciously, "you sound like you wanna kill the world. Did something happen while I've been away?"
"Nothing that's any of your business, Helga," I roared at her all the while keeping my eyes fixated on the computer desk, pretending to dust.
"Look, Bucko!" she spat back, "I didn't call for you to-..."
"Oh, stop, Arnie!" Lila laughed at my cousin's ticklish touch. "Ha! Ha! Please stop!"
"Will you two cut it out!" I hollered, "I'm trying to have a conversation here!"
"I'm ever so sorry, Arnold," Lila continued to laugh as my cousin blew into her hear, "it's just that your cousin..ha ha ha!"
"What?" Helga asked me with aggravation in her voice, "You've got dork and dorkette over there with you?"
"We're doing a physics assignment," I informed her pacing all around my bedroom.
"Oh, tell Henry I said hi!" she exclaimed. "How's he doing?"
"He's not my lab partner anymore," I blurted out. "He had to take an earlier class."
"Did Dr. Parks stick it to you then?" she inquired with great interest.
"Oh, yeah. He really stuck it to me, Helga." I responded by staring at Rhonda, who'd folded her arms across her chest and given me some of the dirtiest looks I'd ever received from her.
"So, who is it then?"
"It's Rhonda," I answered curtly.
"Rhonda?" Helga was outraged by this information. "That's why you haven't been returning my phone calls, isn't it?...Isn't it?"
"No!" I told her. "It's not, and besides, why would I want to go out with such a materialistic bitch anyway?"
At that, Rhonda walked over to where I was standing and slapped me across the cheek. She was as furious as Helga, who'd screamed into the phone she didn't believe a word coming out of my mouth. Lila and Arnie looked to one another, trying to stay out of the picture, but they could hear every word Helga said to me.
"I try to call you on your birthday and this is the thanks I get? You know, I might as well just forget about what I was going to tell you, because it's clear you're not interested! How about I go and start dating Ludwig again? How about I just go and sleep with him? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, Arnold? Well, you just got your wish, 'cause he's here right now!"
"Helga!" I pleaded, "I don't want to see anybody else but you. I miss you! Please tell what you were going to say!"
"You miss me?" she laughed contemptuously, "Yeah, right! Dad was right about you! You only wanted me for one thing! First me, now Rhonda! Who's next?"
"Helga! That's not true and you know it!" I was shouting so loud I was unable to hear the knock on my door. Gerald entered into a room full of chaos.
"What the hell is goin' on in here?" he requested, observing me arguing over the phone with Helga.
"Not true, my ass!" she could hear me sniffling into the phone, "unless you've got another pleasure you'd like to share with me!"
"No," I denied my drug habit. "Will you please tell me what little secret you've been hiding from me?"
"I'll tell you," she sneered, "when you get rid of your attitude and clean up your act!"
"Tell me now!" I commanded, the entire room's eyes upon me.
"I'm...I'm..." Click!
"Damn it!" I bellowed now aware everyone in my bedroom was staring at me. "Everybody, get the hell out!"
"Arnold," Lila explained, taking up for Rhonda as she and Arnie started to leave the room, "Rhonda might be into fashion, but she does have a heart."
"Get out!" I pointed them to the door, "I'm so tired of your sugar coated demeanor! You're so full of shit! I've seen you eyeing Sid!"
I could see everyone's look of surprise at my comment. Clearly, Lila was undeserving of it.
"The velocity experiment looks fine," was the only thing Arnie had spoken the entire night.
"Do I have to escort you out, Arnie?" At my insistence, he slowly dragged his feet out the door.
"Arnold? What's wrong, buddy?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong, Gerald," I returned, clearing off the lab table full of wooden cars and rubber bands. "My girlfriend just broke up with me!"
"It was bound to happen sooner or later, Arnold," he remarked, "however, she called me because she couldn't get a hold of you. It's why I came over. That's a sign of desperation on her part. Are you sure there's not something going on between you and Rhonda?"
"Hell no!" I shot back. "Whether she has a heart or not, she'd still a bitch!"
"And Helga's not?" Gerald suggested, raising his eyebrow.
"You don't know anything about her, so shut the hell up and get out of here!"
"Man, Arnold," Gerald replied, shocked to hear those words coming from me. "You are not acting like yourself."
"I said get out!" I slung the cell phone my now ex-girlfriend had given to me at him, but he caught it and set it back down on the now spotless lab table.
"All right! All right!" he surrendered to my demands. "I'm going! I'm going!"
He closed the door quietly behind him. I could feel my heart racing around that NASCAR track again, only this time it was speeding dangerously out of control. I locked my door, then removed the plastic bag of white powder from the drawer onto the mouse pad, once again forming four little white lines along it's length. The rush I'd felt was overwhelming, until I heard a thud on the bedroom door behind me. Twirling the computer chair around, I found Gerald dusting the knees of his jeans off.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" I pressed him, standing in front of the remaining lines of coke.
"I knew I'd find some way to get in," he answered heading straight for the computer. "Whatever's goin' on wit you, I'm gettin' to the bottom of it."
"Leave my stuff alone!" I told him after he'd grabbed my arms, shaking me.
"Look at me, Arnold," he forced my chin up, "look into my eyes. I didn't argue, and let him see me for what I'd started to become. "My...you are stoned out of your mind! Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't need drugs to make yourself feel better! Everyone knows that! You know that! Let me see that bag behind you!"
"No!" I tried to push him off me, but being taller and stronger than I was, he forced himself onto my chest, reaching over my shoulder for my bag. No matter how hard I tried resist, he was just too heavy for me to pull him off my body. The thought of killing him occurred to me as he dangled my stash over his head.
"This," he stated firmly, "is goin' down the toilet."
"Not unless you want to pay for it!" I jumped up trying to get a hold of the bag.
"I don't care how lonely and desperate you've become," he told me. "You're too smart to be doin' this shit. Now, I'm going downstairs into your bathroom, and you're comin' with me. We're gonna rid you of your addiction, together. You can hit me, punch me, climb up and down your bedroom walls, but I ain't leavin' this house until the coke's out of your system. Why am I doin' this? Because I don't wanna lose my best friend."
"Who's to say I won't buy some more?" I put the pressure on him.
I won't let you, buddy," his eyes told me he was dead serious, "unless you wanna lose your best friend."
"No." I realized how desperate of an ass I'd become. "It won't be easy, and I can't say I won't fight you every step of the way, but I'm willing to let you help me."
"So let's do it then."
We walked downstairs, entering the bathroom together. Gerald wouldn't allow me to touch the bag for obvious reasons. He opened the plastic seal and dumped it's content into the commode, then pushed the lever. As I stood by his side, I watched every ounce of my substitute for love swirl down the toilet.
"Don't you think you were overreacting?" Amy asked me sitting on top of her bed, smoothing her shoulder length blonde hair behind her head. "He only said that girl was his lab partner. You know, for as long as you two have been together, you should be more trusting of him than that."
"Then why didn't he call me for five days?" I contested, taking my prescribed vitamin. "What does that tell me? It tells me he's foolin' around on me. He's probably sleeping with Rhonda! That's what!"
"You're jumping to conclusions, Helga," she wasn't going to stop until she won this little debate of ours. "I heard what he said about Rhonda through the phone. He wouldn't have said it if he was having some kind of fling with her. It's probably just your hormones acting up."
"Come to think of it," I thought aloud, plopping down on the bed next to hers, "he was acting really strange. I've never heard him say anything bad about anyone, including her. Something's not right here."
"Well," Amy rose from the bed and limped to the vanity to put her glasses back on. "Maybe you should review your telephone conversation to see what's out of place."
"Wait!" I recalled. "He didn't seem to give a rip about his birthday, and that's not like him. You know what, Amy?" He was sniffling when he was on the phone, but from the sound of his voice, I don't think he had a cold."
"Sounds like he was smacked out to me," she bluntly stated, opening up a tabloid magazine. "Irritability's one of the side effects of the drug, as well as an accelerated heart rate."
"How can you say that, Amy?" I was in denial, but deep down knew the truth. Arnold would never acted like that unless he was under the influence of some drug. "He's the nicest guy you could ever meet."
"What about your friend Henry?" she brought up, turning another page in her magazine. "He's not a nice guy? That reminds me, he and Jack are coming along with Wolfgang and Ludwig on our little weekend excursion, so you better find yourself a long T-shirt to wear. You're started to get a little pudgy around the middle. I forgot. How far along are you now?"
"Almost fourteen weeks now." I rubbed my hands over my slightly protruding stomach. "Yes, Henry's a nice guy too, just not my type."
"You're that far along and you still haven't told Arnold yet?" Amy threw the magazine she was reading down on the bed to look up at me. "What's wrong with you, girl?"
"I tried to, tonight!" I reminded her. "You heard what I said to him over the phone!"
"But you didn't tell him, did you?" she limped back over to the dresser, pulling out one of here night gowns. "Here, put this on. You pajamas are getting too tight, and if you need a pair of my jeans for our trip let me know. So, what are you going to do the next time you see Arnold? Hide?"
"That's not funny, Amy," I told her lying my head against the pillow. "I know I have to tell him soon, but after that phone call, I don't think it's a wise decision right now."
"I think you're right, especially if he's all coked up," she advised. "He needs time to dry out. How are you feeling anyway?"
"Tired," I yawned, closing my eyes ready for some sleep, "very tired. Let me make it through this next weekend before I tell him, okay?"
"Sweet dreams, Helga," she wished me goodnight turning out the lamp on the night stand beside the bed.
I drifted off to sleep in hopes Arnold would agree I had made the right decision.
The next Friday, four husky males awaited us outside the academy. Henry, a true red head, looked incredibly handsome in his black jeans and dark blue button down shirt. He rarely dressed up, mostly wearing T-shirts. It was a shame he wasn't my date tonight. Ludwig was my escort for the evening and although his rugged appearance scared some ladies off, he cleaned up nicely in blue jeans and a black T-shirt. No matter what he wore, Jack always maintained his clean shaven look. I couldn't pinpoint why his green polo didn't suit him well on this special occasion, but somehow felt he should be wearing red. As for Wolfgang, he dressed in a simple white button down shirt, somewhat like Henry's, and a pair of black dress pants. It was obvious the single red rose he held in his hand was for Amy. I found it amusing such a tough guy like him could turn into such a wuss when it came to love.
It was evident I had to dress in casual clothing, wearing one of Amy's peasant shirts and a pair of her blue jeans. The shirt was the only article of clothing long enough to cover the entire length of my torso to the bottom of my rear. Amy, on the other hand wanted to impress Wolfgang with her navy blue sweater that clung to her shapely body and her matching navy blue skirt with a slit on one side. When it came to clothes, I could really care less. I just wore whatever I felt comfortable in, although I did have a preference for pink.
"Hey, Helga," Henry hugged me, "how are you? It's been a while. Were have you been? I haven't seen you in Tae Kwon Do class the last few weekends."
"I've been really busy with school," I made up an excuse. "Junior year here is really tough."
"All that studying's made you soft," Jack commented. "I see you've put on a little weight."
"You have no idea, Jack," I replied avoiding the desire to rub my hands over my growing middle.
"Who cares?" Ludwig said heading for Wolfgang's Monte Carlo. "Let's blow this joint so we can party!"
"What club are we going to anyway?" Henry asked, opening the car door for me.
I slid into the middle of the back seat, Ludwig taking the right window beside me. Henry sat on the side opposite Ludwig squeezing me between the two. Since Wolfgang was the driver, he let Amy snuggle in the middle of the front seat beside him. That left Jack to set in the front passenger seat by the window. After we settled ourselves in comfortably, we discussed the club we were supposedly going to.
"What's the name of this place we're going to anyway?" I asked warily. "Are you sure we can get in?"
"Actually," Wolfgang admitted, "it's no so much a club as it is a private bar. I know the owner. We'll be allowed in as long as we don't try to order any alcohol and listen quietly to the band."
"You mean to tell me," Amy started, giving him a suspicious glance, "that you drove two hour to take us girls and other respected gentlemen, to a dive?"
"It's not a dive," he argued with her. "This place is an establishment with class."
"So, it's not that tiny little tavern there on the corner?" she pointed out the window to a wooden shack like building with numerous pick up trucks parked outside of it.
"Hell no!" he affirmed, turning on his car stereo. "Why would I take you to a hick joint?"
"All right, guys," Henry spoke up, "let's not stereotype people."
"Then is it that one?" Amy pointed to a small brick building with several choppers lined up around it. "The one with all the motorcycles?"
"Hey! Don't mess with the biker bar!" he defended it, still trying to find a decent song to listen to on his radio. "Besides, I said I was taking you to a classy place."
Henry and I eyed each other, shaking our heads. Jack seemed preoccupied, staring out the window at the passing buildings. Ludwig laughed as if the entire conversation was some sort of joke. We were all at peace with ourselves it seemed, but I knew someone would bring up the subject of Arnold. It was Jack.
"Helga, have you heard anything from Arnold lately?" he asked. "The last time I saw him he didn't look like he felt well. His clothes were a mess and it looked like his pupils were as big as marbles. He had to be high or something."
"Sorry, I haven't heard a thing." The guys all knew about our argument over Rhonda, but none of them were concerned about that issue.
"Hopefully, he's all right," Henry placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Why don't you come visit next weekend. I'll come with you for moral support if you need it."
"Thanks, Henry. I appreciate your offer, but I think I need to talk with Arnold alone." Although I was enjoying time with my pals, the drive to this bar seemed like it was taking an eternity. I longed to feel the warmth of Arnold's loving embrace. Oh, how I missed those soft lips brushing across my neck, and that smooth tongue gliding along my bare breasts. Amy was right. I'd overreacted at the announcement of his new lab partner, Rhonda. Although they got along okay, chances were he wasn't going to take the risk of dating her.
Wolfgang was still playing with his stereo controls when Jack all of a sudden let out a yell.
"Oncoming truck! LOOK OUT!" but before Wolfgang could swerve his care out of the way, the truck crumpled the mid and front passenger side of the vehicle, shattering glass everywhere. Glass flew everywhere, and because the impact was so great, I felt Amy's head knife into my stomach. If it was the cause of the impact, or my current condition, I wasn't so sure, but I passed out, only knowing the slight taps I'd began feeling inside my stomach had ceased.
"You are not going downstairs to meet Ross outside this boarding house!" Gerald had me pinned to the bed, straddling my body. He'd proved to me he'd been seroius about not leaving until the cocaine I'd been sniffing was completely out of my system. "Do you wanna blow a hole through your nose like that little blonde rock singer from Fleetwood Mack? How 'bout I send you to rehab?"
The last week had felt like I'd been living in prison. Gerald wouldn't leave me alone for a second. He even escorted me to the bathroom and dinner table. When I refuse to eat, he'd take the plate up to my bedroom until I was so hungry I'd eventually eat it. I punched him, kicked him where it counted, even sped around the entire bedroom cleaning, but like he said, he wasn't fazed by any of it. If I threw up, he'd bring me the wastebasket, and when I got the shakes, he'd hold me down onto the bed until it passed. Going through withdrawl felt like dying and going to hell. I told Gerald I needed the drug to stabilize my system. Of course he didn't buy it and refused to offer me anything.
"Can I at least smoke?" I asked the man hovering over me.
"Arnold, are you purposely trying to kill yourself?" he asked releasing his grip on my arms slightly. "Fine, but don't even think about climbing out that skylight door again."
"Thanks." After he allowed me to get off the bed, I walked over to my computer desk, knowing only a pack of cigarettes remained. Gerald had cleaned out all my dressers, making sure there was no sign of stardust hidden anywhere in the room. As I retrieved my pack from the drawer, I couldn't help but think of Ronnie, the little boy they used to call Chocolate Boy, wondering if I was this bad only after a month or so, what possibly became of him? The thought made me shudder.
I sat down on the bed beside Gerald, taking in a long drag, then exhaled the smoke out through my nostrils. At least I wasn't inhaling anything through my nose. The power trips I'd experienced from cocaine were like nothing else, but as I continued going through withdrawl, realized the cost wasn't worth it. There was no doubt I still longed for it's stimulating effects though.
"What possessed you to even think about snortin' coke?"
"I don't know, Gerald, I guess it's just-..." The ring of the cell phone interrupted my thoughts. "I don't recognize this number."
"You better answer it," Gerald suggested. "It could be Helga. You owe her a serious apology, and everyone else, for that matter."
"This late?" It was 11:45pm, but I had a feeling I should answer it. "You're probably right Gerald. I better take this call."
I pressed the send button and put the phone to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hello, may I speak with Arnold...oh I can't seem to find the sheet with your full name on it."
"This is Arnold," I confirmed, wondering who could be calling me this late at night.
"Hello Arnold, this is Dr. Yates at Westport Memorial Hospital. I'm afraid I have some bad news." My heart started pounding at the words 'hospital' and 'Westport'. "Your girlfriend's been in an accident."
"Helga?" I breathed, my hands shaking uncontrollably.
"Yes, sir," the doctor confirmed. "I need you to come as soon as you possibly can. It's about your baby."
"B-..." I dropped the phone, absorbing the impact of the shock.
"Sir?...Sir?..." Gerald picked up the phone to talk to the doctor.
"I'm sorry, Arnold seems a little distressed at the moment. Yes, sir. Hold on."
"Arnold, the Dr. Yates says he needs to talk to you." he said holding the phone out to me.
"Huh?" I drifted out of my daze and took the phone from Gerald. "Dr. Yates? I'll be there as soon as I can get there. Yes sir, I will."
"What's going on, Arnold?" Gerald seemed confused after I'd hung up the phone.
"Gerald," I asked impatiently, "can I borrow your car?"
"What for?" he had every right to be suspicious of me.
"Helga was in a car accident. I need to leave now."
"Is she okay?"
"I don't know."
"Can I trust you not to make any pit stops on the way?"
"You can trust me not to do any of that kind of crap again! If you feel uncomfortable with it, you're welcome to drive me to Westport."
"No," Gerald could see that I was serious. "I trust you. Take the keys and drive carefully. Helga needs you right now."
"You have no idea how much!" I told him grabbing his keys and rushing downstairs out the front entrance of the boarding house to Gerlad's Camaro.
After I'd started the car, I tried to drive as safely as possible, but once I entered the highway, I sped like lightening because I couldn't bear the thought of Helga lying in a hospital bed all by herself, let alone knowing she'd been carrying our unborn child. Thankfully, Gerald's car ran smoothly at a high speed and didn't start shaking once you passed 75mph. Each exit passed like a blur and I almost missed the Westport exit, but was able to wedge in between a few cars. Once I arrived at the hospital, I found the closest parking space to the emergency room and ran toward the entrance. Henry and Ludwig were waiting outside for me. They sat on a bench, and while Ludwig smoked, Henry held his hands between his head. Ludwig wore a cast over his right leg and suffered a deep cut from the temple of his eye to the base of his chin. Henry seemed to have only suffered a few scrapes and bruise.
"Where's Helga?" was the first question to come from my mouth. "Is she okay?"
"The doctors said she was going to be fine," Henry sniffed, "but they had to take her upstairs. They wouldn't tell us why. Nobody could get a hold of her parents or sister, so I guess they must have called you."
"Were you guys with her when this happened?" Both of them nodded silently, until Ludwig finally answered.
"All of us were in the car. It was Wolfgang, Henry, Helga, me and...and...Amy and...Jack," he choked. "A drunken man with a blood alcohol level of 1.8 slammed into us."
"Are the others all right?" I knew I'd regret hearing the answer.
"Amy...Amy...and...and...Jack...didn't make it," Henry burst into sobs. "Wolfgang couldn't handle it. He freaked out, and kept blaming himself for Amy's death. The hospital staff had to take him to the psych ward. He also need some medical attention for his broken collar bone."
"Does Helga know about Amy?" this was the worst thing that could have happened to her, and I felt responsible.
"Yes. The paramedics had to pull Amy's body off her when they removed her from the car." Ludwig answered quietly, rubbing his thumbs against his fingers. "She'd passed out, but was conscious by that time."
"How did she take it?"
"I think she was in shock. It's hard to say."
"Are you guys going to be all right if I go upstairs to see Helga?"
"We're not going to be all right for a long time to come, Arnold, but we're waiting for our parents to come pick us up. I think we can handle ourselves, as long as we have each other's support." Ludwig did most of the talking since Henry was mourning the loss of his best friend. "Helga needs you. Go on! Get upstairs!"
Henry and Ludwig informed me Helga was on the second floor, so I found the elevator, pressing the level 2 button hastily. When I entered that floor I asked around because I had no clue where room B312 was. Once I finally found it, I stepped through the door to see a couple medical assistants tending to Helga. She looked so pale in the florescent light, shining over her hospital bed, but was still beautiful as ever at least in my eyes. I hated seeing her in a hospital gown hooked up to an I.V. with all those plugs right above and beside her bed.
"Are you Arnold?" one of the assistants asked me while she checked Helga's I.V.
"Yes."
"The doctor needs to talk to you. He's right around the corner. I'll go get him for you." She left Helga's bedside and walked to the next room. "Arnold is here, Dr. Yates."
After several minutes that seemed like hours, a tall gentleman in a white lab coat greeted me.
"Hello, Arnold." he shook my hand. "I'm Dr. Yates. I have some good news, and some bad news for you, sir."
"Is Helga going to be all right?" I asked nervously, my heart still pounding as fast as it had been when I left Hillwood.
"That's the good news," he assured me. "Helga is going to be just fine. We had to give her some pain meds after her procedure, so she might be a little groggy when you go to visit her."
"Procedure?" I questioned.
"I'm afraid that's the bad news, Arnold," he gestured for me to sit down. "It's about your baby. I'm afraid because he had a heart condition, he couldn't handle the impact of the crash. He didn't make it."
"It...it was a boy?" my lips quivered while I felt hot tears roll over my cheeks.
"Yes, he was. I'm sorry, Arnold," he answered as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "You can see Helga now, if you're feeling up to it."
He didn't have to tell me twice. I ran to Helga's bedside, took a hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly. She turned her head to the side to face me and smiled.
"Why?...Why didn't you tell me?" I choked pressing my forehead into her own. "Why?"
"I tried to, Arnold," he glassy eyes looked into mine. "I tried to tell you, but you seemed...busy."
"I'm so sorry, Helga," I cried, my tears dripping onto her cheeks. "I should have been there for you. If only I would have known, I would have stayed right by your side. What kind of monster have I become?"
"You're no monster, Arnold," she tried to comfort me, but clearly, her medicine was taking over. "You're an angel, just like our baby."
"Our baby," I repeated slowly, still in disbelief.
"They said I could...name him...Arnold, but I wanted...to..wait for you...there was no time...I think you'll like the name I...chose." she was fading but I managed to get it out of her.
"What name did you choose?" I asked kissing her lips gently.
"I...I...chose...m..m..m...Miles," she stuttered before the medicine put her to sleep. All I could hear was the blip, blip, blip of her heart monitor.
"Miles," I breathed, then started hyperventilating once the name hit me. The nurses rushed over to my side and sat me down.
"Breathe," the nurse with the long black hair instructed me. I was too overwhelmed to read her name tag. "I know this is a lot to take in."
"I need to get out of here for a while," I told her, standing up once again, then I gave Helga another kiss, though she was fast asleep. "I need some fresh air."
"Do what you think you need to do, Arnold," she advised me. "Visiting hours have been over for at least three hours now. You can see Helga in the morning."
I raced out of that hospital like a demon, heading straight for Gerald's car. Although it was at least two o'clock in the morning and pouring down rain, I felt more relaxed in that car than in the hospital room seeing Helga drugged up and hooked to an I.V. Thinking the radio might calm me down, I turned it on, switching stations until I could find a decent song. Lighting up a cigarette, I couldn't help but think the accident was all my fault. If I hadn't been snorting up the borders' income, this never would have happened. Then I would have visited her every weekend. Changing stations on Gerald's car stereo once again, I came across I song I hadn't heard for several years and started to sing after the drum intro from The Offspring's "Gone Away" led into the lyrics. The words drew me in.
"'Maybe in another life, I could find you there, pulled away before you time, I can't deal, it's so unfair'" I inhaled deeply off my cigarette, listening to the chorus, then belted out at the top of my lungs, "'I reach to the sky, and call out your name, oh please let me trade, I would. And it feels, and it feels, like heaven's so far away, and it feels, and it feels...'"
Unable to finish because I couldn't stop choking up tears, I buried my head into the steering wheel.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you Helga. Mom, Dad, Miles, why did you all have to die?" I sobbed.
AN: This song is dedicated to my dear friend. Please don't drink and drive. Thank you for your support.
"Gone Away" -The Offspring
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal
It's so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
To show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Please let me trade
I would
In loving memory of Amy B. May 5, 1969-March 3, 1991
