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Chapter 29, years 1981-1990 - part 1
Everything went fairly quickly from then on. Once Severus got out of prison and employed indefinitely at Hogwarts, thus making him the youngest Potions Master since Merlin knows when exactly, he took up residence there permanently. We never really talked about it, it was self-evident from the start. We both knew Voldemort wasn't dead and it was obvious he wasn't trusted despite his Vow. I hated leaving him behind, surrounded by distrust and enmity, beset by bad memories, nightmares and regrets, suffocating in shame and guilt. He had lost everything. His freedom, his dreams, his expectations. He would never get the recognition he so strove for, he would never get his skills rewarded by a job he liked, he would never be allowed more than a tight leash. He was reformed but Lily was dead and he was even more shunned than before. Potter was dead and Sirius a wanted man but it didn't erase his previous suffering. The damage was done anyway, what was the point? He shut me out, as he had always done. Severus had always been very private, very secretive. He hates showing any kind of emotion, lest somebody uses it against him. We may be close, even intimate but it didn't mean he would bare his heart to me if he could avoid it. There was nothing I could say that would assuage his inner turmoil and there was nothing he was willing to let me do. Even less under the watchful eyes of his wardens who but a few years earlier had been his teachers and accomplices by negligence to the harassment he had to bear.
For my part, I was wallowing in guilt over the Potters' death. And the sudden revelation I had in Dumbledore's office a few weeks earlier had shaken me badly and left me breathless. This unexpected clarity was unwelcomed. Severus was beyond my reach in every possible way. I had never hoped to be more than close friends, his heart had been given to Lily and had disappeared with her. He would not love me. He would care for me and treasure me without a doubt. He was comfortable with me, respected my abilities, appreciated my input and opinions and found me enticing enough. I had made my peace with this situation as Ron was dead and I had been convinced I wouldn't love anyone else. Severus and I, we had an implicit arrangement with mutual benefits. Our friendship run too deep and had survived too much hardships to be endangered by quarrels and heated arguments, even by separation. But love? It should have never entered the equation. But it did. And what should I do with it? I couldn't reveal it to him— I would be embarrassed beyond belief and he would not take it well. He should be flattered I suppose but he wouldn't. I don't think he would believe me— such low self-esteem is rare. It is hardly possible to see it in Severus because of the public image he has created and takes great care into maintaining. But from his point of view, nobody ever appreciated him— not his parents, not his peers, not his teachers, not Lily, not even his fellow Death-Eaters. There was no reason his students or colleagues would, so why change now? No, no declaration of love would go well. It didn't resolve my dilemma. What do to now? Hopefully, my line of work required me to travel abroad. As soon as Severus was settled into the castle, I fled. It's not very Gryffindor but I felt oppressed and about to scream in frustration. I needed out and jumped on the first occasion. I cared little what I was sent to find nor where. I only cared that I would be Portkeyed to another country where I could have time and space to recover.
Months went by. I slowly managed to reconcile with the idea my love would forever be unrequited. I left behind my grief and guilt and spent some glorious years cavorting. I had fun working, developed healthy work relations, discovered many new spells and unearthed ancient books, made unfettered amities, had flings and one-night stands one after the other, never getting involved personally and leaving before anything could become serious. I looked for physical intimacy, not companionship. When I finally acquired the artefact, I usually brought it back to England myself and used the opportunity to meet Severus. He didn't fare well but was very apt at hiding it. He was wasting away in a job he disliked and that was obvious to anyone who cared enough to look. He showed up at my place very late in the night, after his nightshift had ended and when he had ruled out every other means to ward off the insomnia. We would debate and drink until the middle of the night. Sometimes we would just bask in the others' willing embrace and spent the time memorizing every scar, every inch of skin, every tingle as if it would be the last. Sometimes we merely fell asleep, comfortably cuddled against the other, breathing each other's unique scent and lulled by the thud of the other's beating heart. Sometimes we would talk until the early rays of sunshine. He would smile then, in the safety of my small flat. It wasn't the open laugh he had too rarely barked when we were still in seventh year. It wasn't the dazzling smile he had displayed when he had talked about his Apprenticeship, the joy and pride he had felt then. It wasn't the playful smirk he had flashed when he got the upper hand in a debate. His spirits were too dampened. But I got him to grin wanly or to smile slightly. I could get him to relax and share his burdens. I even managed to convince him to do research and publish the results. There really was no need to waste his talents thus. We talked about Voldemort— rarely about what had been but often about what was about to happen. We agreed he wasn't dead and debated what he would have to do once He came back. We talked about my work and about his dreams.
During the day when he was required at Hogwarts, I would search for the Horcruxes. I had looked for the diary then dismissed the search as inconsequential. I had no means to get it and it was too interwoven into the very fabric of Time to try to kill it. The same could be said for Marvolo's ring. I wasn't sure Nagini was a Horcrux yet and I could do nothing about Harry. That left three Horcruxes to take care of.
The locket was the easiest to get my hands on. I knew exactly where it was and who had it. It wasn't hard to Polyjuice myself as Sirius and order Kreacher to give it to me. Destroying it however wasn't such a small feat. Despite all the spells I had learned, I could not kill it. In a desperate act, I turned to Severus. I conjured a little white lie about an artefact which curse I had to break and went on listing all the spells I had tried fruitlessly. I do not know if I should feel very afraid or very awed by the sheer number and complexity of dark spells he mastered. Once destroyed, I put up a spell on it that wouldn't harm us like the real Horcrux did but it would still be troublesome to wear and gave it back to Kreacher to safeguard.
Ravenclaw diadem was hidden in the Room of Requirement. The major difficulty resided in getting into the castle. I adamantly refused to send Severus after it. He was too knowledgeable in the Dark Arts not to recognize the item for what it really was. I had no wish for him to delve into the matter because he would inevitably come to me and ask embarrassing questions I had no way to answer without revealing my true identity. And I wasn't ready for it. All the Founders help me, I don't think I would ever be ready to face the betrayal in his eyes, the abject misery in his voice and the outraged fury of his heart. And Merlin knew he didn't deserve the bitter taste of another grievous lie done to him. I had to get into Hogwarts and sneak into the Room of Requirements then to return either the diadem or a fake one once it was destroyed. A lot of work was waiting ahead for me. Creating another diadem wasn't all that difficult. I took out the sealed set of memories I had carefully hidden and extracted the one concerning it. I dove headfirst into it and was assaulted by the vivid quality of this memory. I had been right to copy and compile them. The last battle had been the first set I had done — I wanted them to be as accurate as possible and knew time would alter my memory. It was too much. I drew out. It took me several trips down memory lane before I was able to sustain it. Once located, I dug out the picture of the diadem and started work on a new object. It required hard labor and long hours, strenuous Charms and intense concentration. It would never be the little piece of art and amazing Magic that Rowena Ravenclaw did but it wasn't my purpose either. This small part of the feat took me months. Concerning the acquisition of the real one, I decided I would spring a surprise visit to Severus — assuming I secured Albus Dumbledore's consent. Yes, it would be much fun. I resolved to send a letter to the Headmaster to ask permission into Hogwarts for my next visit in England. It didn't happen for more than a year.
A/N : I know what you think : why hasn't she done this before ? Well, she needed to move freely and to destroy them without drawing Voldemort's attention so she waited for his "death". Because there was still a probability he would have made replacements. She was also focused on her own personal life and what happened with Severus. You might be wondering too why these changes are possible whereas other ones weren't. In fact in depends on her previous knowing of it - she didn't know the whereabouts of these Horcruxes, so she could do something about it.
