A/N: Happy Thanksgiving!
No ownership of CSI is claimed. Some inspiration and dialogue are borrowed from episode 422, "No More Bets."
2016
Grissom stares at Sara, the hand that was carrying Laura's spoon to her mouth stopping mid-air. Laura whines, bringing his focus back. He feeds her the spoonful, still staring at Sara.
"A baby?" he finally asks. "You want to have a baby?"
"Yeah," Sara says. She smiles, her features suddenly dreamy. "Wouldn't it be great to have a baby again?"
Grissom looks at Laura, then back at Sara. "What is Laura, exactly, if not a baby?"
"She can walk now! She's practically a toddler!"
Grissom chuckles. "One who is still quite reliant on us for things like food, my dear."
"Griss, think about it. She started walking today. Walking! And, as I watched her, all I could think of were her firsts that we missed. Smiling, rolling over, sitting up … we didn't get to see any of that! And, I just … I want that. I want to have a baby, to watch her grow up and become a little person the way Anna has."
Grissom feeds Laura her last bite and shakes his head. "I don't know, Sara …"
"Gil, please …"
"Sara, do you realize how old we are?" Grissom asks, getting up to get a cloth to wipe Laura's face before releasing her from her highchair.
"Age is –"
"No," Grissom says flatly. "This time, age is not just a number. It's a very serious biological concern. Think of all the risk factors for a pregnancy at this point. Think of how old we'll be – I'll be – when this baby graduates from high school." He shakes his head. "I offer no guarantee that I'll be there for that, Sara. How fair is that to a baby? To let him grow up without a father?"
"The alternative is not letting him grow up at all," Sara says. She frowns. "Where is all this negativity coming from? A few months ago, you were quite excited about the prospect of becoming a father again."
"A few months ago, it wasn't a choice," he replies. "We were having a baby, and that was it. And, yes, I was happy about it. Excited. Eager to meet our new baby. But, Sara, it wasn't something we discussed or planned. It just happened."
"So … you think that we're better off that things happened the way they did?" Sara asks, her words forced out, tears shining in her eyes. "You think it's better that our baby died?"
"No," Grissom says forcefully. "That baby was a wonderful surprise, and it broke my heart that …" He pauses and swallows. "Sara, I don't know if we can go through something like that again. I just don't know if we can make it."
Sara frowns. "What do you mean?"
"If we try for another baby, there is every chance that we'll have another miscarriage. Is that really something we can live through twice?"
A tear slides down Sara's cheek. "But, what if -?"
"Exactly," Grissom interrupts. "What if?"
"Gil, you're not being fair. You're arguing two points at once, one of them pure conjecture."
"Both are valid arguments."
Sara shakes her head. "I can't have this conversation with you right now."
"You started it."
Sara stands up. "And, I'm ending it."
She stalks out of the room, leaving Grissom and Laura alone. Grissom looks at Laura and sighs.
"This is all your fault," he says as he lifts her out of her highchair. "You're the one who started walking."
Laura grabbed his collar, and he smiled and tickled her. She giggled.
"Ah, Laura," he sighed, kissing her cheek. "What am I going to do now?"
2004
After working with Warrick, occasionally Grissom, and spending a good deal of time working alone for several shifts in a row, Sara was almost surprised to see Nick sitting in the locker room when she entered it before the start of their shift.
"Hey," she said, wondering where he had been hiding for most of the week.
"Hey," he replied without looking up from the paper in his hands.
As Sara watched, he lowered it slowly and stared at the open locker in front of him.
"Everything okay?" she asked as he looked down at the paper again.
"This is about the Key CSI position," he said, holding the paper up. "Grissom recommended me."
Sara had not known that such searing hurt and disappointment could be brought about by such a small statement. She forced herself to mask her emotions and to smile in the face of her friend's good fortune.
"Congratulations," she said, noting that her efforts to smile were for nothing; Nick had looked down to shove the letter back into its envelope.
"That's not necessary," he said, standing up. "The position was cut. The budget had room for a new promotion or qiagen, bio-robot ez one. Greg will be thrilled."
"Yeah," Sara managed to say.
"Oh, well, it's just an honor to be nominated, right?" Nick said, smiling at Sara as he left the locker room.
Sara returned his smile with effort, thankful when he was finally gone. Still holding her jacket, she sank down onto the bench in front of her.
She had nearly forgotten about the promotion. She and Nick had applied so long ago that it seemed like a distant dream. And, after working together for so long to ensure that they were both on the departmental radar for advancement, it came as a shock that only one of them had been chosen for it.
Grissom nominated me.
Nick's words rang in her head, taunting her. How could Grissom have done this? How could he have chosen Nick over her?
Their failed relationship seemed to be the obvious answer. She shook her head in disbelief. Could he really be that petty? Could he really put their personal issues – issues they had agreed to leave out of the lab – ahead of Sara's career?
She exhaled slowly, trying to be rational. Maybe she had it completely wrong. Maybe it wasn't something she had or had not done. Maybe it was something Nick had done.
Either way, she wanted – needed – to know why Nick had been nominated over her. She would talk to Grissom as soon as she had a good opportunity.
2016
Grissom and Sara spend the day avoiding continuing their discussion. This is quite easy to accomplish; the children are all home on a sunny Sunday, providing an excellent distraction.
Grissom feels only slightly guilty for avoiding Sara by turning on the Cubs' game. She likes baseball enough to watch it with him when she's in the mood, but he knows that turning the game on after their morning conversation is an excellent way to buy himself some solitude.
As the game goes to a commercial, Grissom sighs. He is not nearly as absorbed in the game as he should be, and he knows exactly why.
"Another baby," he whispers to himself. He exhales and scrubs his hands over his face.
The reality is that he loves children, particularly his own. Anna's birth was the highlight of his life, and he adores her. After so many months with them in his house, he has come to love Jake and Laura as his own children. And, despite what Sara may think after their conversation over Laura's breakfast, he was incredibly excited to have another baby when she told him their surprising news that winter.
Even so …
The idea of planning to have another baby is terrifying. He was very honest with Sara: He does not want to put a child in a situation where he or she is likely to grow up without a father. He knows that pain, and would never wish it on any child, much less his own.
As the commercial ends, Grissom notes that the game is only in the third inning. He can't help but feel relieved. He still has quite a bit of time to use this excuse not to talk to Sara.
He still has plenty of time to find a way to convince her that having another baby at this point in their lives is not a good idea.
"Hey."
Grissom looks up as Jake comes into the room. "Hi," he says. He waves a hand toward the television. "Do you like baseball?"
Jake nods and sits down with him on the couch. "The Cubs?" he asks.
Grissom nods. "They're my favorite team."
Jake looks at him in disbelief. "Really?"
"Well, who's your favorite?"
"The Yankees."
Grissom shakes his head. "Sell-out."
Jake grins. "At least my team wins."
"Because they buy their talent."
"Because they can afford to."
Grissom slides the bowl of pretzels he has been munching on toward Jake. "Have some."
"No, thanks. If I start eating those, I'll have to go into the kitchen for a drink."
Grissom raises his eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
"Sara and Anna are baking."
Grissom slides his own glass of water across the coffee table. "We can share."
Grinning, Jake takes a handful of pretzels. "Thanks."
Grissom smiles at him. "You're welcome."
Companionable silence falls as they watch the game together.
2004
"So, are we still going with Sam Braun?" Sara asked as she, Nick and Warrick studied evidence in the layout room.
"He's our only suspect," Warrick acknowledged. "The kid was found in the neon graveyard under one of his old casino signs. He had a receipt in his pocket and technology in his shoe that tell us he was ripping off the Rampart. He has broken knuckles – old style Vegas punishment for cheaters."
Sara shook her head. "I don't know …"
"What's bothering you?" Nick asked.
"It just seems too … easy. Sam Braun isn't going to make it obvious if he kills someone."
"She's right," Nick said. "Why would he leave him in the neon graveyard under the Whiskey Town sign? Why would he leave the receipt in his pocket?"
"You think he was framed?" Warrick asked.
"I think it's a possibility," Sara said.
"New evidence," Grissom said, walking into the layout room.
"What have you got?" Warrick asked.
"Sam Braun's limo."
Nick and Warrick looked at each other with identical grins, their faces lighting up. Grissom looked between them and shook his head.
"Sara, come with me to process it," he said.
Nick's and Warrick's faces fell. Sara grinned.
"I'll see you two later."
As they walked to the garage in silence, Sara felt nervousness coursing through her. She had to ask him – this was the opportunity she had been waiting for all day. Even though she knew she needed answers, she was terrified to get them.
"Let's measure first," Grissom said as they walked into the garage. He picked a tape measure up off the table. "If it doesn't match the measurements Catherine took at the scene, our work is done."
Sara nodded.
He pulled out the tape and handed the end to her. Sara crouched down beside the rear tire and took out her flashlight to begin inspecting it while she waited for him to walk to the front tire. She gathered her courage as she avoided looking at him.
"Nick said the budget was cut for the promotion," she said as he crouched down facing her.
"Two hundred forty inches, twenty feet," he said, reading the tape measure rather than responding to her statement.
"He also said you recommended him," Sara said, finally pointing her flashlight away from the tire and looking up. She released the tape, letting it snap back toward him.
"I did," Grissoms said.
He held her eyes, trying to read them. They were almost unreadable. Yet, despite her brave exterior, he could see the flickers of hurt and disappointment.
When he did not say anything further, Sara turned back to her work. She shone her flashlight on the tire again.
"Possible neon glass fragments," she said, putting the flashlight aside to collect the evidence.
Grissom abandoned the front of the car under the pretense of checking her evidence. He crouched down in front of her and barely glanced at the neon glass that she held between them. Rather, he looked at her, trying to gauge her emotions. Feeling his eyes on her face, Sara looked up. Recognizing the warning in her eyes, he stood up.
"Interior?"
Sara nodded and secured her glass fragments before standing up to open the nearest door of the car. She immediately moved to the seats closer to the front of the limo while Grissom started on those that were the farthest back.
"You said you didn't have a problem with me," Sara said, finding it immensely easier to talk to the seat than to Grissom.
"I don't," he said, turning slightly to talk to her. "I thought that Nick was the best candidate for the position."
"Why?" Sara asked, still talking to the seat.
Grissom paused, trying to decide how honest to be. Finally, he decided that she deserved the truth. He turned to face her, even though she would not look at him.
"Because he didn't care if he got the job or not."
Sara wanted to rage at him. How could he treat her like a child? How could he give her such a ridiculous answer? And, worse yet, how could he believe that it was true?
"That's a stupid reason," was all she said.
Grissom glanced at her. He was considering defending his rationale when he stumbled upon something that changed the entire course of the conversation.
"Blood."
Sara abandoned her own search for blood to join him. "I'll swab it and send a sample to Greg."
Grissom looked at her. "Sara –"
She shook her head. "Don't."
He sighed and backed out of the car. If she wanted space, he would give it to her.
2016
Normally, it is Grissom's favorite night. Sara doesn't have to work, and they can go to bed at the same time. He is already in bed reading when she comes into their bedroom. She barely glances at him as she makes her way to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Grissom sighs, but doesn't call her back.
It is not until she silently pulls back the covers on her side of the bed that he speaks.
"You're not being fair."
She turns to look at him. "What?"
"You sprung this on me out of nowhere, Sara. Children aren't material things! This isn't like deciding to get a new lamp! I need time to think, time to consider …"
Sara sighs. "You're right. I'm sorry. But, Gil, you didn't have to be so … mean about it."
"That's true," he says fairly. "I am sorry about the way I reacted. I think … I just didn't know how to react, that's all."
"Have you had time to think about it?"
"Some."
"But, you need more."
"Yes."
Sara studies him. "You need time to find a way to tell me no, don't you?"
"Sara, that's not fair."
"It's what you're thinking, though, isn't it?"
He can't bear to look into her eyes and see the hurt and disappointment. He reaches for her, drawing her to him.
"I love you," he says as she settles against his chest. "And, I love our family. You have to know that."
"I do," she agrees. "I do know."
"Good."
"Gil, I just … I really need you to think about this as a potential positive, okay? Stop thinking about all the negatives."
"I just …" He trails off.
"Tell me."
Somehow, it is easier to talk to her now, when she is in his arms, not looking into his eyes. "I'm terrified of leaving my children without a father," he admits. "You and I both know what it's like to grow up without a parent. I don't want to put my children through that."
Sara nods. "I understand," she says. "It's a noble thing to think of them – to love them that much. But, I think you're selling yourself short."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you're incredibly healthy. That you take good care of yourself. That you stand a good chance of outliving me."
Grissom chuckles. "I don't know about that."
"I just … don't think we should make this decision based on maybe or what if. I think we should make it based on the fact that we love each other." Sara sits up and takes his face in her hands. "I love you, Gil. I want to have your child." She leans forward and kisses him. "I want to watch a little piece of both of us grow up. I want to be a part of his or her life."
Grissom pulls her to him, hugging her tightly. "I'll … think about it."
Sara smiles against him. They are getting closer.
2004
Grissom signed the report and filed it. The case may not have gone the way he anticipated, but he was glad that justice would be served.
He glanced up as a shadow came toward his office door. Within moments, its owner walked past.
"Sara!" he called before he could stop himself.
She doubled back and stood in his doorway. "Yeah?"
"Come in a minute."
Sara stepped fully into the office and crossed to stand across his desk from him. She looked at him expectantly.
"Are you leaving?" he asked, noting the jacket she carried.
"Yeah," she replied. "It's nice to be done on time for a change."
He nodded. "Case closed, too."
"Yeah," she said yet again. "Are you … surprised?"
"That it wasn't Sam Braun?"
Sara nodded.
Grissom shrugged. "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Sara couldn't help the small smile that crossed her face at that. "Well … good night."
"Wait."
Sara stopped her near-turn away from him. She looked at him quizzically.
"About the promotion …"
She raised her eyebrows, silently waiting for him to continue.
"I think … no, I know that you could do the job. It's just that Nick …"
"I know. He didn't want it."
"Which is what would make him so good at it."
Any surge of hope that Sara had felt with Grissom's initial assertion that she could do that job was lost in the stabbing hurt that followed his words.
"You mean, he could do it better than me."
Grissom remained silent, trying to find a good way to answer that.
Sara shook her head in disbelief. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Grissom stared after her as she left his office, completely baffled as to how the conversation had spun so far from what he had intended.
2016
Even though Sara is home and awake, Grissom still takes Anna and Jake to school on his way to work. As he pulls to a stop in front of the school, Jake grabs his book bag.
"Bye," he says. "Thanks."
"See you tonight," Grissom says.
Anna unbuckles herself a bit slower. "Bye, Daddy," she says.
"Bye, lady bug," he replies.
She purses her lips in an expression so reminiscent of Sara that he smiles. "I'm not a boy."
"Not all lady bugs are boys," he replies. "Just the one in the movie."
"Okay," she says in a rather disbelieving tone.
Grissom wants to laugh, but stops himself. "I love you, sweet pea."
"Love you, too!"
She darts out of the car and joins the waiting Jake for the walk up to the school. Grissom watches her go with a smile.
I want to watch a little piece of both of us grow up.
Sara's words ring in his head as he drives to work.
Grissom drives home from work much slower than usual. It is not that he does not want to get home. It is more that he is in a state of near-complete distraction.
He cannot stop thinking of Sara's words from the night before. She is right, of course. They can't dwell on all the potential pitfalls of every decision they make. He did enough of that when it came to Sara in the past. He thought that he had conquered that old habit, but, apparently, like so many others, it dies hard.
But, it is not only Sara's words that weigh on his thoughts. It is Anna, as well.
She is, as Sara said, a little piece of both of them. He sees Sara in her every day, but, with Sara's prompting, he can see himself, too. And, he knows that it means as much to Sara to see him in their daughter as it does to him to see his wife.
There are so many reasons that having another baby is a bad idea. And, yet …
He can't stop thinking of the ways that Anna's smile that is just like her mother's.
Grissom arrives home to find the house quiet. Anna and Jake are still at school, but Sara and Laura should be home; Sara's car is still in the garage. Grissom walks through the house slowly, trying to find his family.
After exhausting the first floor, he climbs the stairs. The door to Laura's room is open; soft light is coming from it.
Grissom walks into the baby's room to find Sara sitting in the rocking chair with Laura cuddled in her arms. As he steps closer, he realizes that they are both asleep. Smiling slightly, he takes Laura from Sara and settles her in her crib without waking her. When he turns back to his wife, he sees that she is waking up.
"Hi," she mumbles.
Grissom smiles and kneels down in front of her. "Hi," he replies, reaching up to touch her cheek.
Sara smiles. "Sorry," she says. "I guess I didn't realize how long we were in here."
"It's fine," he replies. He leans forward, pulling the rocker toward him so that he can kiss Sara. "Yes," he whispers against her lips.
Sara pulls back enough to be able to look into his eyes. "Yes, what?"
"Yes, let's have another baby."
Sara's eyes widen. "Yeah?" she repeats.
He nods. "Let's do it."
The last thing he sees before he gets caught in her kiss is her beaming smile.
