A/N: thanks for being so patient everybody and thank you so much for the feedback, each review makes me smile :) I have a lot planned after this chapter and feel that it lends itself quite nicely to the events to come...
Thank you to my incredible incredible beta: LiveLoveLaughHope who is a constant source of wisdom and kindness, I couldn't do this without her!
On with the story!
It had been a week since my mother had left District 12, and I felt as though a hole was missing in my day to day life. It was strange how I'd managed to live without her all these years, or so I thought, and yet here I was missing her. The fact that she'd made it, that she'd even come back was such an accomplishment. This year felt like such a milestone for a lot of things, and that was certainly one of them.
Peeta had taken Eve with him to the bakery for the day, and it was one of the few times I was without her. This felt like a much bigger hole. In fact, it felt like her absence could swallow me whole if I let it. I couldn't stand not being near her; protecting her. It wasn't that I didn't trust Peeta, far from it. I just didn't trust myself without her.
The last six, nearly seven months now since Eve was born, and some of the time whilst I'd been carrying her, I had been so preoccupied with the thought of my child, always having something to focus on, that I hadn't had time to dwell on things. There were certain things that I was dwelling on today. Before I even knew it, my shoes were on and I was walking out my front door as if my feet were taking over my mind. It felt like today was the right day to do this. I'd tried to forget about her, but without my daughter in my arms or by my side, other things crept in.
The sun was high in the sky: mid-day now. It had been a quiet morning, and I'd attempted to busy myself with preparing food for tonight for when Delly and Thom came over for dinner, but it was fruitless. Peeta would be having the time of his life having her there with him, and the boys in the bakery would be cooing over her too, in addition to all the customers. A part of me was defensive though.
I walked slower than usual, for the heat made me feel sluggish and even more tired than I already was. Sleep deprivation was already a normal occurrence for Peeta and I, so adding a baby into the mix hadn't thrown us off too much. The rays of the sun seeped into my skin, soaking into my muscle as if to drain all the energy I had. I shielded my eyes, and carried on walking-down past Haymitch's house, out of the housing estate, past the grocers, past the village hall, and before I knew it, past the doctor's surgery near the meadow. I turned to the side as I continued to walk, catching more yellow than normal in my vision.
I'd hunted again a little while ago but there weren't as many then. They were blossoming by the week. Primroses: and tens of them. This added a little happiness to the day at least, even if it also came with a punch in the gut.
When I arrived, I slowly unhooked the slightly creaky gate and closed it behind me after I had walked through. I hated these places; they made me shudder. Then again, there were only a few these days that didn't. I wasn't good at this stuff, I never had been. But today it felt like I had to…
Dragging my feet, I looked around. This place was prettier than it used to be. Blossom trees with heavy boughs hung down over the stones, and the grass (where there was some) was lush and green. A slight breeze grazed my face. I walked a little further, scanning for the name that I needed. I had been here, of course, a while ago but that day seemed like a blur and I couldn't remember where it had been...I carried on looking. The arrangement of letters I was looking for appeared in my vision, and I stepped towards it.
'A loving friend to all' was written underneath her name. These simple words didn't seem like enough. She was more than a friend: she was a mother, a grandmother, and an aunty to anyone who needed her. I bent down, leaning on one knee as I brushed a little dirt off the cold stone.
"Oh Sae." Was all I was able to mutter before my voice caught in my throat. I swallowed hard, looking at all of the things people had put on her grave. A bunch of daffodils, cards that were full of memories and unspoken thank-yous, pretty pebbles arranged into a heart, and a familiar green ribbon tied in a bow amongst it all. My heart sank as I realized I'd come bearing nothing. I should have stopped and bought some flowers, or picked some, or come before now...
Then I suddenly thought about how Sae wouldn't care about all of this stuff. In its own way it was tragically beautiful but she would never have been fussed with such trivialities whilst she was alive. It was lovely that the people had shown their appreciation, but I had a feeling if she was aware that I was here, that would be enough. I cleared my throat and sat down properly on the grass beside the stone. The place was empty; not a single soul was here. I let a small tear fall.
"I needed to come today and say goodbye." I whispered, sniffing a little. It felt strange talking to someone I knew couldn't respond, but I had a gut feeling inside that she was listening. Sae knew, she always knew.
"I've been putting it off these last few months, I know I have. It just felt right today to come and do it… I wanted to thank you for everything." Rubbing my eyes, I sighed. "This doesn't feel like enough. I don't think it ever will." My voice was barely audible. Already, a small weight I never knew I had, was lifting from my chest. I had been holding onto so much anger, and resentment at the world, that I took it out on others, or myself. I had always done it that way. I wasn't good at saying what I was feeling, and when things got bottled up inside, they grew. They grew into something that filled me up and overflowed through my veins until one day I snapped. I'd felt on the edge of snapping for a while. And although the weight was lifted, I was aware of another coiled up inside that wasn't moving. Ignoring the feeling, I stroked the stone, feeling the coolness of it in contrast of the day. Rubbing my eyes again, I stood up.
"Thank you." I muttered before wandering away again. I didn't know where I was going; but it wasn't back home. I needed to walk. Maybe go to the meadow, or the forest, or do some shopping. No matter what I played with in my head, it didn't seem right. I couldn't face any of those things, and now that the tears were falling I was finding it hard to find a thought capable of stopping them. Suddenly, like a vision, I saw Eve in my mind, happy and smiling at me… Smiling at everyone… That was enough, I knew then that I could stop, and I did. I walked away from the graveyard, strolling a little aimlessly, just wanting to be near her. I decided I'd have to go to the bakery. I'd spent longer than normal without her: it had been several hours. Peeta wouldn't be worried; he'd just think I was missing her, which I was. Separation was something I was no longer good at. I smiled, knowing that my daughter and my husband were waiting for me, and I suddenly had a direction to aim for.
"Thanks for the dinner Katniss. It was delicious!" Delly said enthusiastically, rubbing her full stomach. Thom nodded his head in agreement. "Damn right." He said, taking a swig of his beer. Peeta took my hand. "Well done honey." Peeta added in.
"Shall we move to a more comfy chair perhaps?" I suggested, feeling tired and too full to move. Mika clapped his hands as he threw several grapes in the air, which we'd given him after dinner to keep him occupied.
"Mika!" Thom chided but not so seriously. Mika giggled cheekily as Peeta bent down to pick them up. "Don't worry about it, I got it." He said retrieving them and putting them in front of him again.
"So Thom, what have you been up to recently? I feel like I never see you anymore." I asked him, and he gave me a wink with a face that looked just like Mika's.
"I'm a busy man Kat." He joked. "Work has been a little crazy actually. District 3 just created a new one so it's chaos with stocks." I knew from that sentence, he meant a new medicine. They were being found and developed quicker than ever now that technology was at its finest. In the capitol and most of the districts, there were never people with the common cold anymore. I personally preferred a little active immunity. If you never had the sniffles, how were you supposed to be able to fight off something worse?
"I've also been training Gale on some of the new machinery we got in a couple of weeks ago. He's been picking everything up really well. Even talked my boss into giving him an interview for this promotion everyone's talking about." Thom added, wiping his mouth with his napkin and ruffling Mika's hair.
"Really?" I asked. I hadn't seen Gale in a few weeks, as I'd been so busy with my mother and everything else. "I'm glad he's really settled in so well." I caught Peeta's eye but there was no sign that he was unnerved by talking about him. Ever since Peeta's attack that night I'd been a little worried that he would have one again, but we seemed fine, for now.
"Yeah, he's doing good. And y'know what? I saw Saffra checking him out. I think she likes him." Thom added with a chuckle. I saw Delly nudge him slightly.
"What?" Thom asked, confused and unaware that he was supposed to be conspicuous. Delly gave him a glare, looking a bit uncomfortably at me, though I couldn't figure out why. Peeta seemed to take more notice of this fact, and broke the silence.
"I know Saffra. When I helped out with some construction here a long time ago, her family put in some money. She's a nice girl." Peeta said sincerely. It didn't surprise me that he was happy someone had taken an interest in Gale, it meant the focus was off me. I was happy too, although I didn't understand why a little jealousy ran through me. It wasn't that I wanted to be with Gale- of course not. I loved Peeta with my whole heart and couldn't live without him. The jelousy more resembeled the way a sister would be jealous and protective of her brother. I didn't know Saffra- though now I thought about it-I recognized her name. Her family was quite wealthy: merchants back in the day. They had helped a lot in the re-building of District12.
"Do you think he likes her back?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even. I didn't want them to think I wasn't okay with this. I was genuinely curious.
Thom raised his eyebrow, and then shook his head. "I don't even think he knows she exists." He half laughed, half sighed.
"Why not?" I asked. If she knew about him, surely Gale knew about her?
Thom looked at Mika, taking his eyes off us for a moment. "I don't think he had his eyes open."
A quietness fell onto the room. I knew what he meant by that, and it stung a bit, but everyone else seemed quite oblivious.
"Maybe you should introduce them." Delly suggested, rubbing Thom's shoulder, and he glanced back at me before looking at her again.
"Good idea, I'll make sure to do that." He concluded, looking thoughtful.
"Night guys, see you real soon!" Peeta shouted as he waved to our guests leaving. Mika gave a big wave back over Thom's shoulder and Peeta's face lit up. He closed the door behind him.
"What is it about Mika that lights you up so much?" I asked, placing an arm around Peeta's waist as we stood in the hall. He put the arm furthest away from me on my hip, bringing us into an embrace.
"I don't know." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces too, you know I do. You two just have such a connection though." I added, moving some of his hair away from his face. He smiled.
"Did you ever think about what having a boy would be like?" He asked, and suddenly my mouth went dry. He seemed to regret his words, and backtracked.
"I mean, before Eve was born, did you ever wonder if it was a boy or a girl and picture it? I just meant, I love Eve more than anything in the world, but I did think about it, about having a son too." Peeta said, squeezing me, bringing me closer to him.
"I guess I did. I don't know, I never really put as much thought into kids as you did." I whispered, stroking his neck. "And you do..." I trailed off at the statement I'd just added on. He nodded his head meekly, as if we'd had a different conversation; the real ones in our minds that we weren't speaking. He had already accepted defeat, for now…
"You want another child: a boy." I mumbled, and as soon as I'd said the words I felt like acid was burning down my throat.
He shook his head violently, pulling me away a little so I could see his face properly. "Katniss no, that's not what I meant at all. Please Katniss, don't take that the wrong way. I love our life and how it is; you know that. I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to. I never thought we'd have even one child." He whispered, and there was a hurt look in his eyes. I decided it was enough for one night. I couldn't face this conversation, I couldn't disappoint him again and again like I always did. I couldn't face it. I was too tired.
"Let's make some tea." I said, turning away from him so he couldn't see the emotions on my face. He was the only one who could read me.
The evening was still light and warm, and I wasn't quite sleepy enough to head to bed yet. Eve was still awake and in her chair that I'd moved through to the living room whilst we were in there. I walked into the kitchen to put the kettle on, when I heard a knock at the door. I heard Peeta answer it, and a familiar gruff voice reply. Haymitch. It wasn't uncommon for him to just drop by nowadays, as he had done over the last few months. He now looked considerably better than he used to. His cheeks were less sunken, and his eyes a little more alive. I pulled out another mug from the cupboard, strictly keeping to my tea-only policy in this household.
"Katniss." He greeted as he walked in behind me. I turned around and smiled.
"Hi Haymitch, how are you doing?" I asked routinely. I knew the answer.
"Good, good." He replied before walking over to Eve as Peeta picked her up out of her chair, before putting him in Haymitch's arms. He'd only held her a few times, but I noticed he grimaced less and less each time. I had a feeling Peeta was handing over Eve on purpose. I trusted Haymitch now, more so than ever. I knew he was safe to be around Eve, after everything he'd done for us, and her. He bounced a little with her as I brought the tea over. Peeta rubbed my back as I passed him and sat down on the sofa. I knew he felt guilty about our short conversation. I did too, but I wanted to forget it, just for tonight. Eve cooed and wriggled, putting her hand on his face, stroking Haymitch's gristly beard. He smiled.
"Haymitch you always seem more human when you're holding my daughter." I noted, with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he didn't take it too seriously. I took a sip of my tea.
"Haha. It's the old man within him. He's like a grumpy old Grandpa normally, aren't you Haymitch? Chasing kids off your lawn and sleeping all day." Peeta joked at Haymitch even gave a small chuckle. Just then, a noise was heard that made our heart stop beating.
"Gwampah!" Eve let out in a shriek as she put a hand over his nose. I spat out my tea in disbelief, nearly dropping my cup in surprise at her tiny voice. Peeta's eyes widened to twice their normal size. Haymitch frowned.
"What did she just say?" He asked, pulling her hand away from his face for a moment. It didn't seem real.
"Oh my god! Katniss, she just said her first word. Eve said her first word!" Peeta shouted, leaping out of his chair and towards our daughter, stroking her head, and bending down to her level. I couldn't believe it, my heart beat so fast I thought it would burst.
"Our daughter's first word is Grandpa?! And it's towards Haymitch!" I cried out in horror, half of me overwhelmed that she had spoken; she'd finally done it, and the other half of me recoiling from the thought.
"Yeah, I'm not so okay about that either." Haymitch said looking uncomfortable, prying Eve away from him as Peeta took her, swooning over her and kissing her face.
"Katniss, honey she spoke. She did it! Can you believe how clever she is? It's okay Katniss, calm down." He said turning from unbelievably happy to realizing the look on my face. I narrowed my eyes at Haymitch.
"Not even dada! I've been trying to get her to say that for weeks..." I trailed off. I was aware that I may have been overreacting, but Eve calling Haymitch Grandpa... I didn't know how I felt about that, but my body was telling me to be angry. Of course I couldn't stay angry. My adorable, perfect daughter had just formed words and used them. I was overwhelmed. My eyes filled with tears, but better ones than this morning.
"The kid doesn't even know what it means. She was just repeating Peeta." Haymitch said, and I could tell he was trying to convince himself just as much as I was. Peeta however was still telling her how clever she was and smoothing a hand over her back.
"I hope you're right." I said, now getting past the shock and becoming aware that my daughter was now a proper human being. She was beginning to talk. It was scary how fast the time was going, like sand slipping through our fingers. She seemed so grown up from that one word. My love for her swelled.
I stood up and walked over to Peeta, looking lovingly at my family. Peeta kissed my forehead as I bent down to Eve. I felt like I was going to explode, and Peeta was all but crying too.
"You and me both. I'm nobody's Grandpa." Haymitch said, furrowing his brows, but as I looked out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw his lip twist upwards a little as he looked at her.
