Warnings: lots of angst. Apologies in advance. Also, because I uploaded 3 to AO3 for readers who asked for it, you get 3 too. Just be warned, the angst is strong with this one, the next, and actually, the next several for a while. Might just want to keep the tissues handy if you're an emotional reader.
CHAPTER 29
Fallout
1 MAY
Severus paced his office, deep in thought over his young friend. Something odd had happened yesterday. That Patronus message—"Sorry, Sev. I'm feeling a bit poorly. We'll pick up lessons tomorrow, okay?"—Severus hadn't believed it for a second. Harry had skived off lessons as promised, but Severus had expected him to show up that evening and explain. The boy had been visiting past curfew all term, and his absence last night—it had hurt and frightened Severus.
Had he done something wrong? Had he been cruel? Perhaps Harry had simply tired of dealing with his phobias, but why now? He had always been so patient and kind.
"You don't trust me yet, but I hope you will someday…."
Severus sighed and dropped his head into his hand. He shouldn't doubt Harry. The boy had stood by his side through so much. Only something serious could break his usual pattern, but that concerned Severus even further. Harry had confided in him since that first day after their truce. Every painful jibe, every libellous article the Prophet touted as truth, every time supposed friends turned their backs on him—he had come to Severus for help with all of it. What could have possibly happened to make him turn away?
Wait. That wasn't strictly true, was it?
Flashes of memories ran through Severus' mind. First had been the incident with the plate. Whatever had happened, Harry could not speak of it. Then the event in the pensieve—or even just the subject of the pensieve itself—Harry would not bring it up in any of their talks, and the moment Severus did, he panicked and shut down. And his home life—any mention of it, and Harry refused to speak at all until Severus changed the subject. And perhaps most concerning of all was the moment he had broken down in Severus' arms in the Infirmary just after the basilisk poisoning.
"…You will undergo treatment for all the injuries and conditions I see on this list…."
What injuries? Dear gods, what had Harry been hiding all this time?
Severus sat behind his desk and mulled over what he knew. Something about a plate had terrified Harry. He had some kind of frightening secret about food, too, perhaps related to the plate issue. He was hiding old injuries. He couldn't speak of his life at home and… and… there were those images in his mind. They came few and far between these days, but every now and then, Severus would come across a glimpse of a 'punishment' that seemed far too hard, too cruel for a gentle soul like Harry. What kind of guardian let a five-year-old boy go hungry while they devoured every crumb?
Was it possible that it wasn't simply a difficult punishment? Had Harry been—
A sharp rap at the door interrupted Severus' thoughts. He shook himself and glanced at the clock. Merlin. Four already. He stood and opened the door for his friend.
"Enter, Mister Potter."
Harry dashed in and looked away, refusing to make eye contact. His cheeks had gone red and he trembled all over. Severus closed the door behind Harry and frowned. Harry never acted like this. Not even when he had feared Severus, had he refused to meet his eyes.
"Harry? Have I done something wrong?"
Harry blushed brighter. "N-no, sir."
Severus' heart constricted. "Sir? It has been months since you have called me by my title in private. What is troubling you?"
"N-nothing. I mean, it's just embarrassing, si—Severus." Harry covered his face and stared at the floor. "Just, I… I don't want you to…." His voice was small and afraid. "Don't hate me. Please don't hate me again."
Severus rubbed a hand through Harry's hair. "Come now. You know I care for you."
"Y-yeah." Harry sighed and sat in front of Severus' desk. "I'm sorry, Sev. Maybe, could we just get on with the lesson please? But… no, Luna said I should…." He paced and tore at his hair. "But what if…? Gods, I can't. I know I'm being stupid, but I just can't face the possibility that…."
"Harry. What are you so afraid of?"
"I…." Harry blinked hard and shook his head. "I can't. C-could we just do the lesson, Sev?"
Severus stared at him a long moment. "As you wish." Something strange was going on with the boy, but a bit of carefully placed prodding would get him to open up about it after the lesson without breaching his trust. At least, Severus hoped he would confide in him. He hated seeing Harry so distressed without knowing how to help.
At Harry's pleading look, Severus sighed and put his musing away. Perhaps Harry would overcome his fears eventually. Until then, Severus could be patient.
"Legilimens."
Harry's mind blocked him out like a steel trap. Merlin. Whatever the boy was hiding, he did not want Severus to discover it.
Well, Severus would leave him his privacy then. Gods knew he had secrets too. He went easy for once, simply testing Harry's mental defences, advising him of where his shields lacked structure, helping him to build walls.
Then, in one of the weak spots, he saw a flicker of something he had never imagined he would find in Harry's mind: a fantasy of his own naked body.
Severus' gut dropped and his heart pounded in his ears. No. No. Harry wouldn't—it couldn't be!
Unable to resist, Severus dove in through the weak spot and found himself in the middle of an image out of his nightmares. The mist around the image indicated he was viewing a fantasy and not a true memory, but he would have known that by the content regardless. A sixteen-year-old Harry, stripped as naked as Severus' teenage form, hung naked in the air beside him. Their hands were intertwined, tears running down both of their faces.
Horror and nausea overwhelmed him. No. Harry couldn't—he wouldn't use this against him.
In the fantasy, Black grabbed Severus between the legs, and the real Severus released a cry of appalled shock. He reeled at an instant scream from Harry and a burst of raw magic—within the fantasy apparently, not in reality—and opened his eyes to find Harry holding his younger form, a broken nose bleeding down Severus' back.
"Episkey." The young Severus whispered something in Harry's ear—Severus stepped closer to hear their quiet conversation, though his stomach rebelled at the thought that Harry would go so far with his image. "I thought of you," the young Severus whispered, and then they were kissing.
"No," Severus breathed aloud. "It can't b-be… no."
The dream shifted, and Harry was inside him, and no! Fuck no! He jerked out of Harry's mind with a strangled cry.
"Severus," Harry looked up at him with tears in his eyes. "Please. It's not—not what you think."
"Get out." Severus' voice was low and lethal to hide the bleeding pain of betrayal inside.
"Severus, please! It was just a d—"
"Get out!" At his scream of rage and pain, Harry looked at him in despair, but at Severus' refusal to relent, he gave a stricken sob and fled.
Severus sank into his chair, shivering and weak with anguish. He couldn't believe what he had just seen. Couldn't believe Harry—the boy who had fought for him, saved his life time and time again—would use him so badly. Even as a mere fantasy, the thought of having his worst memories used as sexual fodder appalled him. He could not shake the creeping feeling of horror along his veins.
Was it a dream? He pinched his face, but the pain convinced him he was awake.
Gods. How had it happened? Why?
But he was not to be given time to work it out. A searing pain up his left arm sent curses flying from his tongue.
Fuck. Of all times, why did he have to be called now?
~SSHP~
Severus slammed back another shot of whisky and hoped the next might drown him.
Draco had asked him out for a drink after the meeting—a useless discussion of which Ministry pawns would be easiest to overpower and which to avoid—and following the revelations of Harry's fantasies and the betrayal of his only friend, Severus had been glad for the opportunity to dull the pain. He had drunk far more than was wise, but try as he might, he couldn't get the image of Harry—no.
Not Harry. Not anymore. He had to be Potter again from here on out.
He couldn't forget the sight of them together, Potter buried inside him and obviously enjoying Severus' body.
The part that left Severus ill and quaking was his own face. That trusting, puppy-dog look he would never have given anyone, let alone one he was submitting to.
Although, he wasn't sure how much riding his partner counted as submission—fuck! He downed another shot. He shouldn't be thinking of this. Harry—Potter, damn it—was a student. An underage student. And even if the boy did have some kind of crush on him, Merlin, Severus could go to Azkaban for daring to entertain such dreams.
If not for the start of the fantasy, he couldn't deny he might have reacted in a different manner. But the fact that the boy had used Severus' abuse to fantasise about making love to him left him cold. Har—Potter knew how much that memory horrified him. To have used it as the basis of his sexual fantasies… fuck. Severus hadn't drunk nearly enough to wash that stain from his soul.
"So, Sev'rus," Draco slurred, "rumour around the dorms is you're gay."
Severus fixed him with a sharp glare. "What's it to you?"
"That's the thing—me too. Don'wanna marry the pug girl."
"Fascinating." Dear Merlin, Severus hadn't drunk enough for this conversation either.
"Could be." Draco scooted closer, and Severus had a strange feeling of Déjà vu.
"Been watchin' you for a long time," Draco said, pink flushing his cheeks. "Want you. Maybe, want to give it a go?"
Severus choked on his scotch. Waste of a good drink.
"You what? Have you lost the bloody plot?"
The boy pouted. "Oh, come on. You know you want me."
"You are seventeen! I could go to Azkaban for the mere thought." Not to mention, the idea turned his stomach and made him wish he hadn't dumped so much alcohol down his throat after all.
Draco laid his hand on Severus' left wrist. "Since when does that matter?"
"Oh dear gods." Severus shook Draco off and buried his head in his hand, wondering what on earth he had done to deserve this from two students within twenty-four hours. One of whom had broken his heart to pieces.
Maybe he could pawn them off on each other. They would deserve it, the foolish Malfoy heir and the traitorous Potter.
The words spilled from his lips before he could stop them. "I am most assuredly not interested. However, if you are truly so desperate for a date, you might ask Potter."
"Potter?" Draco stood and glared. "How dare you? I'd never touch that scrawny little runt. Bloody teacher's pet."
Severus snorted. Potter had probably broken more rules in a month than Draco did in an entire year. It was just that, until that afternoon, Severus had believed he broke them to save people. Now he wasn't so sure.
Maybe Potter had fooled them all.
Draco jerked to his feet and staggered. "I'm leavin', if you're gonna treat me like that."
The brat spun on his heel and staggered to the floo, leaving Severus with the tab, not that he hadn't expected it. He left some galleons for the waitress and stood, swaying under a surge of dizziness. Maybe he'd best just get home and call the night a horror of a loss. He could report to Albus in the morning.
Severus staggered out of his hearth and collapsed on the sofa.
Solaris hooted from his desk, calling Severus' attention to a folded parchment sitting there. He frowned and trudged to the desk, hoping Draco hadn't extended an invitation in letter form as well, but no. A different hand graced the front.
"Severus, I'm so sorry. Please… please read this. Please."
"Harry…." The name escaped him in a broken whisper. Tears blurred the greeting, and Severus threw it aside, neither seeing nor caring where it landed. No. He couldn't trust Potter any longer, couldn't give him a single foothold into his heart. He'd been a fool to do so in the first place.
~SSHP~
Severus woke with a drill between his eyes. He groaned and flopped over, then whimpered as the day's events came back to him in a rush. Harry had betrayed him. Had been using his pain to fuel sexual fantasies. And Draco apparently had romantic inclinations towards him as well.
What was it with the students lately? They could solve everyone's problems by dating each other, but no, they had to be—wait a moment!
Horror crashed through his veins. Oh gods. Severus sat bolt upright, uncaring of the pain in his head. Oh gods! He had told Draco to ask Potter on a date last night. He had given Harry's sexual orientation to a Death Eater and his worst rival. And worse, he couldn't walk it back now without making them both look suspicious.
"Bloody hell," he muttered, then groaned in pain.
Maybe it was best he stayed away from Harry from now on. Severus' folly had only hurt them both.
~SSHP~
Harry hadn't slept at all. He staggered down to the Great Hall the next morning, barely conscious of anything happening around him. Neville muttered something on his left, but Harry didn't know what he said. He kept his eyes glued to the teachers' door, waiting. If Severus had read his letter, maybe… maybe everything would be okay.
But when Severus came in, his eyes hardened as he met Harry's gaze. The man sneered and turned his back, and through his Empathy, Harry sensed it wasn't an act this time. Heartsick and shattered, Harry turned and left without a word. He had no appetite anyway.
"Harry? Merlin, wait up." Neville called after him, and Harry wished he hadn't given his invisibility cloak to Severus. He couldn't talk right now. Not about this.
"Harry… what is it? What's wrong?"
Harry just shook his head and followed his feet wherever they would take him. He shouldn't have been surprised to find himself standing in front of a familiar broken tap.
~O-open,~ he hissed.
"Whoa," Neville breathed. "So this is the Chamber, huh?"
Harry nodded and jumped in. He hadn't brought his broom, but at the moment, he didn't care. Without Severus, everything felt broken and grey.
Neville followed with a shriek. Harry hissed the entrance closed after him and trudged on to the main quarters.
Somehow, a part of him had half-expected to find their conjured beds still there, Severus' sofa and bookcases, and his temporary lab in the corner.
But the Chamber was empty. Had been for several months. Harry didn't understand why when he knew it would be empty, but it hurt, seeing this sanctuary stripped bare, hollow and desolate as his spirit.
"Harry," Neville said, "can you talk about it?"
Harry shook his head and sank, cross-legged, to the floor. Neville sat next to him and laid a hand on Harry's wrist.
"That's okay. I can't always talk when it hurts either."
Harry gave him a tearful smile. "T-thanks, Nev."
"No problem."
They sat in the silence of Harry's broken heart for a long time
